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With all the problems plaguing sex in marriage, I wonder if this is the obese pink elephant sitting in the room that few have the desire, or the guts, to acknowledge.

Let us be brutally honest for just a moment; most people are not hot. Or sexy. Or extremely attractive. The truly exceptionally beautiful, handsome, and sexy are lauded partly because they are less typical.

If most people are pretty average looking, and are likely married to equally as average looking spouses, could one of the major issues facing low, and no, sex marriages be an inherent lack of sexual attraction.

I'm talking pure sexual desire. Not love. Not gratitude. Not companionship. Not friendship. But pure, unadulterated, I want to rip-you-clothes-off-because-I-find-you-so-hot sexual passion. The kind of attraction, and desire, that would make you want to bed this person even if they were not your spouse, and you didn't have a history of love, and non-physical connection.

If you remove all of the vitally important other aspects of a successful marriage, and focus momentarily on just the sexual attraction, the degree to which spouses actually find each other to be sexy, and beautiful/handsome, do you think it is possible that millions upon millions of people just do not find their spouses sexually attractive beings?
 

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I am completely attracted to my husband sexually, and he is not likely what most people would call handsome or attractive.

I hear his truck driving into our yard, and the butterflies start. I think about him during the day, and love to be touch by him, but also to satisfy him.
 

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I am very attracted to my wife, and even her features that she is self-conscious about I find attractive. It is partly what has made me think we are "soul mates." You might even say I have a fetish or draw to those physical characteristics. Unfortunately, she is so self-conscious about some of those things that she doesn't believe me & sort of recoils in disbelief & shame when I mention my love for them.:(
 

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Same here. My husband does not have what others would call a hot body, he would be considered average looking in his best day, less than now-a-days, except for to me. But I had always been very sexually attracted to him.
 

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I am very attracted to my wife, and even her features that she is self-conscious about I find attractive. It is partly what has made me think we are "soul mates." You might even say I have a fetish or draw to those physical characteristics. Unfortunately, she is so self-conscious about some of those things that she doesn't believe me & sort of recoils in disbelief & shame when I mention my love for them.:(
Exactly!!! Isn't this frustrating and kinda hurtful?
 

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jaquen, I find this is a very relevant, and difficult subject.

To answer your question, in regards to my ex spouse, no. But then I've never once been able to even date someone I find that hot and sexy (not in person anyway). I feel like I've always had to settle... I don't need a "10" but a good woman who I view as a "9" or even an "8" sure seems like it would be smoking hot (under which circumstances I think the multiple times a day sex people are talking about on the ladies thread would be very attainable), but then those who understand about sex rank would say I would then need to make myself an 8 or a 9, but decades of wanting to be haven't gotten me closer to that mark, and so the relationships I've made work (for awhile atleast) I settled, if you call it that, for women that are beautiful as an overall package, and whom were approachable enough for me to feel like I had a chance.

Lately I've begun to discern that what it would would take for me to be, and remain, attracted to a woman in a general physical sense is a pretty face, and as shallow as it will sound in the sexual way (not accounting for personality which is the utmost importance), but physically, a small waist-hip ratio (combination of a great derriere and/or a slim waistline). Maybe my perception is skewed by the media, porn, the women I see walking past my window at work every day, or other external factors... but looking at my sexual relationships I'm all about the hands-on, and the visual, and when I was with my ex I could barely get my hands around her waist and it was all I could think of during sex sometimes. I don't like to think of myself as a shallow person, but I don't know perhaps it is biological, or just preference, I could "overlook" that for a time (it wasn't her body that made me fall in love with her, or that I came to love and respect) but over and over, that little shred of repulsion amplified in time. I couldn't even just close my eyes and make it go away, I was always aware of it. And when she cheated she told me how good it felt to be with someone who found her so sexy despite her "curves" (of course a little strange is always hot despite the looks).

This hangup is probably a huge reason why I've been afraid to get into a relationship again, and why I feel I'm lusting so badly for sex with someone that appeals to me in this way. I have a lot of shame about this and don't know why this should be something so important to me. Perhaps I became aware of it because of a lady I was sexual with after my separation, who was petite compared to the other women I've been with, felt so incredibly different, just as I imagined it would - but of course the "Strange" factor was at play too.

I believe I understand exactly the question you are asking, and yes I think it is certainly at play, and while I focussed on women's appearances, sexual attraction obviously has to do with many different factors for everyone.
 

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My H and I are completely sexually attracted to each other, have been since day one, but it does actually get stronger and stronger as the years pass...because as we add our sexual experiences together to our memory banks, we now also have those moments pulling us toward each other. Mmmmm.
 

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Sexual attraction is complex. And what turns each individual on and what makes them sexually attractive is different. I mean - if you have a hardcore foot fetish, what your partner looks like otherwise (AKA not being "hot" in the traditional sense) you might not care about at all. And yet for you - they might be the most sexually attractive personal imaginable.

I mean case in point - Rasputin supposedly had all the ladies going wild, and have you looked at a picture of the guy? Because his attractive power for those women wasn't about his looks, it was about his elusive power or his way with words. This is what got them hot and bothered.

Sure - you can have a wham-bam that is stunningly hot if you are ferociously attracted to your partner, but - what is going to keep fueling that fire after the initial attraction. Man does indeed, not live on sex alone. When your sexy Brazilian model doesn't want to do the dishes, and squanders all the money - are you still going to feel driven and attracted to her? Will her being "hot" be enough to overcome that?

Which isn't to say people don't, on some level maintain the fantasy of having sex with a stunningly attractive mate - and hence porn and romance novels. But it stays there - a fantasy, a relationship based purely on sex and looks isn't going to last the long haul. (As much as 50 Shades of Grey might try and convince anyone otherwise.)

Also - what each society considers "hot" differs. I mean - people overall are more attractive than they used to be - due to a better diet and the availability of corrective surgery and orthodontia. But - people being better looking, and then the change of a "hot" hookup - doesn't seem to have improved marriage statistics.
 

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I don't see how one can separate out the personality from pure physical attraction. I have met some really good-looking people and after talking with them a while they become less attractive because they don't have much going on upstairs. Attraction is more than purely physical. Even in hollywood there are some less than perfect actors who because of their charisma have a lot of sex appeal. Nicholas Cage comes to mind.
 

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I have never seen a man and thought "wow he's hot! I just need to peel right out of these panties". That type of sexual attraction doesn't exist in my life. HOWEVER, I have seen men do things that have me thinking "damn, why the hell am I wearing panties right now?!? *%^&", namely Idris Elba licking his lips in the movie Obsessed. I could literaly feel my body going into a state of arousal, nipples suddenly erect, inner thighs moist from sweat, clitoral swelling, flushed face. I was there and if he had been there in that moment, I would have been all over him in a second and would've sucked him dry and f*cked him raw. Just hotness. And my husband absolutely does things that can just put me there.
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I don't see how one can separate out the personality from pure physical attraction. I have met some really good-looking people and after talking with them a while they become less attractive because they don't have much going on upstairs. Attraction is more than purely physical. Even in hollywood there are some less than perfect actors who because of their charisma have a lot of sex appeal. Nicholas Cage comes to mind.

I completely agree. I've dated few men in my day who were as gorgeous as they were dumb. I can't deal with that. Or a man who takes longer than me to get ready lol. I value intelligence first and foremost when looking for a potential life partner. However I could never date someone I'm not physically attracted to.
 

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Absolutely, 100%. And yup I mean to include the stretch marks, the post baby tummy, the cellulite and everything because there is more to the book than just the dust jacket.
 

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On a purely physical level, yes, I find my husband extremely attractive. He has a thin build, well defined arms, back, chest and abs (6 pack)! I love his dark curly hair and intense blue eyes. Yes, he is definitely physically attractive!

Do I want to have sex with him? That's all in the mind and our exchanges. Lately it's been NO.

Would he say the same thing about me? Maybe, maybe not. I have no clue, honestly.
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In my case, without a doubt.

It has been over 35 years now and she still has 'it' as far as I am concerned. She is still gorgeous, just older.

It is only recently, though, that I have realised how very blessed I am to be married to her.
 

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If you remove all of the vitally important other aspects of a successful marriage, and focus momentarily on just the sexual attraction, the degree to which spouses actually find each other to be sexy, and beautiful/handsome, do you think it is possible that millions upon millions of people just do not find their spouses sexually attractive beings?
I'm sure it is, but I think it says a lot more about the people who are not finding the attraction than it does about their partners.
 

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I mean case in point - Rasputin supposedly had all the ladies going wild, and have you looked at a picture of the guy? Because his attractive power for those women wasn't about his looks, it was about his elusive power or his way with words. This is what got them hot and bothered.
You forgot one thing about Gregoire Rasputin.
He was " THE MAN" and he had a BIG d!ck.





As for the OP's question,
Initially I wasn't heads over heels sexually attracted to my wife. That's how I knew I was in love with her. Odd , I know, but before her I only dated hotties.
She is pretty, but at that time, in my mind ,she didn't ooze much sex appeal , so I knew what I felt must be love.

Fast forward to today.
We've been married for quite a while and that sexual attraction grew, the more sexually intimate we became.
Sex was never boring.
This his morning , she,just came out from the shower naked
[ she usually walks around half naked ], I was on the couch on my laptop.
She looked at me, blew a kiss before heading into the bedroom and immediately ,the blood started flowing to my penis!

I smiled at myself,
I never thought that after all these years, it would still be like this.
 

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I'm sure it is, but I think it says a lot more about the people who are not finding the attraction than it does about their partners.
this is definitely true. As for my example, I am separating the physical from the non-physical, but in reality you can't do that, and also in reality there can be exceptions. What I find "attractive" vs what I think an attractive sex symbol looks like are two entirely different things, but just sometimes, often, overlap. In fact there is someone I'm setting my sights on who is absolutely beautiful, who I've even know for a long time and still find just as beautiful (ie sexually attractive), who doesn't even really fit into the description in my earlier post.
 

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As for me, yes, there is an element of a woman's physiological beauty that I deem to be extremely sexy. But I could only think that that would be greatly defined as biological lust and quite frankly be deemed as only a natural comprehension of most men.

But what makes a woman, by far, sexier than anything in the world is her intelligence level, her empathy, and her attitude about life in general.

And while that greatly helps to permeate her aforementioned physical attributes along with these psychological ones, at least in my eyes, it simply helps to transcend her into the totally desirable woman that I would want to spend every waking day of my life with!
 

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The first time I laid eyes on my H he had just walked in late to a college class and I experienced my very first “want-to-rip-your-clothes-off-because-I-find-you-so-hot” moment. I have always been a very sexual person and, sure I had seen/dated some good-looking guys in my time, however that moment was my first truly instant and visceral sexual reaction to a man. I will always remember that moment. I discovered, years later, that H had the same reaction upon seeing me. After we became a couple, friends would joke that we were like Malibu Ken and Barbie. So yeah, H is hot.

Today, at 53 years old, he is the same hot guy in my eyes. He was and still is a competitive cyclist; a 6’ 3”, 190 lb man (then and now). I was also an athlete (long-distance runner and baseball) and still run 50-55 miles per week; a 5’ 9”, 150 lb woman (then and now).

However, none of this helped our sex life in the long-term because were “like rabbits” for 5 years prior to and 3 years after marriage and then, it just stopped. :( By his choice our frequency went down to 4-6 times per year and stayed there for the next 23 years. And no, nothing significant happened at year 3 (as far as I can discern) … no children, no fighting, no health changes, no financial or career changes, etc. My point here is that you can have the sexual attraction and physical beauty and still not get laid. This is a complex subject and there is much more involved.
 

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I disagree with the notion that there are "very few" really, truly, hot people in this world. What you find really hot and sexy is not going to be the same as what I would. I happen to think there are a lot of very sexually appealing people in this world. (Josh Holloway...*melt* Henry Cavil....*double melt*) My husband is one...*triple melt* And I am very sexually attracted to him.

We've been hitting the gym a lot lately and watching him workout is one of the single most sexy things he could ever do, right up there with growing a goatee and watching Downton Abbey with me. There isn't another man on this earth that I could be more sexually attracted to.

I remember before we dated and knew each other very well, I would see him in church and feel my heart and stomach flutter like crazy. I was attracted to everything about him; his smile, his green eyes, the way he walked and carried himself, his voice, his laugh, his talent on the drums, his talent on the piano(probably one of the most intoxicatingly sexy things ever), his shoulders...all of those things made me wild with something utterly new. He is the first, and only, man I have ever felt sexual attraction for.

And in the last two weeks, it's been even stronger. Our relationship has increased by leaps and bounds.
 
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