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Discussion Starter #1
Maybe I am naive ...

I had a certain way of what I thought an hoped marriage would be, but the older I get I realize that I was mistaken.

I know so many people around me who's spouses have had emotional and physical affairs, more than I thought were possible and I didn't think it would happen to me because we were different ... but I was wrong.

My husband has had a min of 3 emotional affairs online on sites such as whisper, tumblr and kik where he sends and receives naked pictures. I am a snooper so I had found them and when he is confronted he takes responsibility yet claims that he is a normal 26 year old man who has high sexual desires. It does not mean he is not happy or doesn't love me or doesn't want to be with me - he says he just becomes curious.

At first he thought he has an addiction, but quickly recanted that after Marriage/Sex therapy happened but I keep finding out its happening even though I make his life hell after he does it and I describe how awful it makes me feel about myself and our marriage.

Please someone tell me that with all the interenet out there accesible to our men that this behavior is a phase or is somewhat normal? That nothing is wrong with me?

We have such a good marriage and life together I just dont understand this one bit, I need help educating myself or something.

I dont need any negative or judgmental responses, move the F on if you don't have some good healthy advice, thanks!
 

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Good point, TimeHeals.

I wish I understood it and what it means and why.

Those things would help me move past it or move on.
 

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Emotional affairs are not normal and it's a horrible excuse for him to tell you he was "just curious" or a "male with a high sex drive"

What consequences have you given him if he continues this behavior? Has he given you passwords to all of his social media/email/phone accounts?

Do not for one second believe that this behavior is acceptable in committed, monogamous relationships because it's not. And that's why you're having issues trying to accept the reasons he's given you for his actions.

You can't accept it or understand it because you know it isn't right!

It sounds like he does not respect you at all and continues to do it because you haven't given him any consequences if the behavior continues. For example, making it clear that you will not tolerate his continued disrespect and will leave the relationship.
 

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MoonBay -

Thank you and I agree it is a horrible excuse. I do have all his passwords and free range to snoop, check and do anything I want or need on his phone and our shared computer.
He even got rid of his smart phone for 5 months because he felt it got rid of the accessibility to go on those types of sites, but ultimatley it is his decision (which I told him that) He agreed.

He's a grown man, I mean seriously!

Consequences, he has stayed away for a couple days. We have had many long talks and heart to hearts about this. We went to therapy for 2 months. We moved. We have made commitments to work on ourselves apart and together. But .... we have 2 small children and a life together, maybe he knows theres not a lot else I can do ... and a full on divorce bc of an "emotional" affair seems like a drastic decision for my childrens sake. (of course I dont tell him that, I act tough to him)

I am no door mat, let me tell you.

But you are right he doesn't respect me. I have given him more than a happy and fufilling life, he literally had nothing before me so it leads me to believe that his "excuses" and "reasons" are true.
Curiousity, excitment and horomones.

I dont know ....
 

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Please someone tell me that with all the interenet out there accesible to our men that this behavior is a phase or is somewhat normal? That nothing is wrong with me?
There is nothing wrong with you, and this isn't normal male behavior. I know (with a serial cheating WW, boy do I know) how easy it is to lose faith in humanity and the opposite sex due to their actions. Just know this is not normal behavior and your H needs help.

If it was a sex addiction he would spend time looking at porn, but he is spending time and energy "interacting" with other women (so see it is not just a male thing) and trying to hide it so it is an issue within him. I am not saying that there are not issues in your marriage for which you may be responsible (you say you have a happy marriage, but then I said the same thing until I discovered my wife's carnal adventures and she told me it was because of how unhappy our marriage is), but his EA's are not your fault, those are 100% his to own.

It is amazing how two people within the same "everything", can perceive it as completely different.

Good luck, get him help, and decide if this is something that you can tolerate the rest of your marriage if he can't change (as he has currently demonstrated that he has little desire or ability to by repeating the actions and repeatedly getting caught. Consequences and boundaries are in order.).
 
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What did the counselor say that this was normal?

I am confused by that sentence about the counseling.

When some people are in a committed relationship, they realize that they have made vows, promises to people that they love and care about their feelings.

to some people, the promises that they make have meaning and they choose boundaries so that they do not hurt the people they profess to love.

my son complains that I go thru life with blinders on. So I made vows when I got married. If I need to keep blinders on, so much the better. At least with good boundaries, and I guess the "blinders", at least I feel that I have tried to be a good husband.

I do know that I work too hard, and I have many mistakes and that I am not the best H. Probably working too hard to provide for my family has caused some of the problems in our marriage.

Some day I hope to retire, and not spend so much time working.

But at this stage of life, I do think sometimes it is better to not have an EA, because I do not think that is always a normal experience.

So I do not agree that EAs are normal. there are too many of them, but if you avoid them, that is one less horrible problem in life.
 

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Squeakr -

It is amazing how two people within the same "everything", can perceive it as completely different.

Best line of the day. This is exactly my dilemia. He says it's one thing and I feel it's another. He thinks its a small thing and I think its a big issue. Are we both right?

He does watch porn and a lot of it, this has been another issue and one that has been banned from our marriage, but I felt the bigger issue is the pictures with other random women.
 

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Squeakr -

It is amazing how two people within the same "everything", can perceive it as completely different.

Best line of the day. This is exactly my dilemia. He says it's one thing and I feel it's another. He thinks its a small thing and I think its a big issue. Are we both right?

He does watch porn and a lot of it, this has been another issue and one that has been banned from our marriage, but I felt the bigger issue is the pictures with other random women.
He's saying it's a small thing to justify his behavior. I highly doubt it would be a small thing to him if you were doing the same thing with other men.
 

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He went to a counsler on his own that told him that he was not "cheating" 100% and that his sexual peak and desires for his age were somewhat normal.

Our marriage/sex counsler together would no define normal bc that is different for everyone in all types of marriages.

So again, not answers there.
 

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He's saying it's a small thing to justify his behavior. I highly doubt it would be a small thing to him if you were doing the same thing with other men.
I told him the same thing and have threatened to do it. Obliviously, I wont and know I shouldnt.
 

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Nah, I don't think that's normal. He's palming it off as something harmless, because he didn't actually have sex with anyone. IMO, I still feel it is indicative or a personality flaw that he would interact with women like this outside his marriage.

Does it make him more likely to cheat in real time if you shut him down? Who knows. Is it an entrance into the world of infidelity that could escalate? I'd think it is.

He needs to sit and confront himself about his motivations, and not simply try to talk his way out of trouble. Ask he where he sees this leading, and is that the type of husband that will hold his pride later on.
 

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He went to a counsler on his own that told him that he was not "cheating" 100% and that his sexual peak and desires for his age were somewhat normal.
What was said. Versus what he heard:

Blah, Blah, Blah not "cheating" and blah blah blah normal.
 
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I told him the same thing and have threatened to do it. Obliviously, I wont and know I shouldnt.
Don't or you will stoop to his level and feel bad about yourself. That is an open marriage essentially and I don't think that is what you want.
 

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He went to a counsler on his own that told him that he was not "cheating" 100% and that his sexual peak and desires for his age were somewhat normal.

Our marriage/sex counsler together would no define normal bc that is different for everyone in all types of marriages.

So again, not answers there.
Do you hear the counselor say he was not cheating 100%, or was that what H told you the counselor said. Big difference: One is an actual statement by a counselor, the other is a cheater's lie.
 

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Paleblue, don't let your husband get away with trying to talk you into accepting that his behavior is normal. What a jerk. Sorry but he is.

I'm a guy, and yes, it would be fun and exciting to flirt with chicks online, but I'm married so I made the choice to not do stuff like that. It's hurtful to the person I've built a life with and had kids with. Why would I hurt my wife deeply? Because I've got sexual urges and crave excitement from others? No, I can't do that. It's one of those things considerate and good people do...they have empathy for the other person. Your husband is lacking in that area

Like I said, he's a jerk and you need to get really tough. Actually I almost think you should file for divorce for just treating you like an idiot for claiming what he's doing is natural and normal. He's testing you to see what he can get away with.

Since he's trying to weasel out of it and make excuses, you need to scare the heck out of him by filing for divorce if it happens again. You both are young and have a lot of years ahead of you. If you don't put a stop to this now, you're doomed. This kind of stuff only gets worse with time.
 

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I told him the same thing and have threatened to do it. Obliviously, I wont and know I shouldnt.
You're right to keep the moral high ground. Revenge affairs hurt no one but yourself.

Empty threats won't make him stop.

It would be a good idea to get into marriage counseling and individual counseling. Find a counselor that will hold him accountable for his actions and make it clear that his behavior isn't acceptable in your relationship.

He is not a therapist and can't diagnose himself, it only helps him make more excuses and rationalizations to continue on his path.

He needs to understand that he is wrong for his actions and he needs to do the heavy lifting to make sure you feel secure again in the relationship.

You are 50% responsible for whatever was going on in the marriage, however he is 100% responsible for deciding to cheat. Don't ever let him blame that on you.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
He needs to sit and confront himself about his motivations, and not simply try to talk his way out of trouble. Ask he where he sees this leading, and is that the type of husband that will hold his pride later on.
Thanks Forest for your help. I have felt that our deep convos have uncovered he has no desire to actually cheat (so he says) He also admits to feel really ashamed of his actions that of a Father, Husband and hard working man who once had nothing to now having everything.
He says he loves me and wants to be with only me but has moments of weakness that cause him to be curious and bored. (Again maybe excuses)

Do you think because he came from nothing he still sees himself as nothing and deserving nothing therefore is self sabotaging? Or am i just making excuses now ...
 

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Thanks Forest for your help. I have felt that our deep convos have uncovered he has no desire to actually cheat (so he says) He also admits to feel really ashamed of his actions that of a Father, Husband and hard working man who once had nothing to now having everything.
He says he loves me and wants to be with only me but has moments of weakness that cause him to be curious and bored. (Again maybe excuses)

Do you think because he came from nothing he still sees himself as nothing and deserving nothing therefore is self sabotaging? Or am i just making excuses now ...
You're just making excuses now. It's real simple. He stops. That's it. Or you file for divorce.
 
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