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Do you know that she wants to get married again?

I’ve been married twice and won’t do it again. But I may be in a totally committed LTR again one day.

If I was and he asked me to marry him, I’d have to say no.
 

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Yes, statistically, subsequent marriages have an increasingly high failure rate. Is that a bad thing? Probably not. However, after two failed marriages, it's far more likely the person has issues that make them (or their ability to choose wisely) a high risk. Also, having divorced once and seeing that it is better than staying in a bad marriage, it becomes easier to end a subsequent marriage that is also going bad. It's also impossible to predict how someone may change once you've married them, and stupid to stay with them if it turns out to be a bad match. Somewhere, there is a fuzzy line separating those who are wise enough to move on for cause, and those foolish enough to keep trying (either in the existing marriage, or a future one).
 

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Yes, statistically, subsequent marriages have an increasingly high failure rate. Is that a bad thing? Probably not. However, after two failed marriages, it's far more likely the person has issues that make them (or their ability to choose wisely) a high risk. Also, having divorced once and seeing that it is better than staying in a bad marriage, it becomes easier to end a subsequent marriage that is also going bad. It's also impossible to predict how someone may change once you've married them, and stupid to stay with them if it turns out to be a bad match. Somewhere, there is a fuzzy line separating those who are wise enough to move on for cause, and those foolish enough to keep trying (either in the existing marriage, or a future one).
I don't think statistics tell the whole story. My first and last marriage lasted twenty-five years, and if I had died to years ago it would have been a statistical success. Truth be known, there are many first marriages that are a dead within the first two years yet linger because neither spouse will bury the corpse.

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I don't think it has to be a given, but it often happens because people don't do the hard work of looking at themselves and their choices.

I just ended my second marriage and looking back I can say that I definitely didn't do enough reflecting after the first. If I had I wouldn't have married him.....red flags were there.

My first was a military marriage and we didn't know each other well..... anyone who's been in the military knows these things happen and the failure rate is high (we were both in). So in a way I almost don't count the first one.

I've done a lot of counseling and introspecting this time around and while I'm undecided as to whether I'd get married again, I feel like I'm in a much better position to make a healthy choice.

It's taken a lot of work and I'm sure said work will continue.

If you put in this work I do think it's possible to have a successful subsequent marriage, but its hard to do and I suspect many people don't.
 

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I can't speak from personal experience, as I am on my hopefully one and only marriage. We have been married for 41 years, and together for 45. I do, however, work with a lot of divorce in my accounting practice. The glaring example of this is a good friend, and one of the groomsmen at my wedding. His first wife bankrupted him, had an affair, and spent most of her subsequent life chasing after him to reopen their financial settlement. The marriage was for nine years. His second wife was a rebound that he had absolutely no business marrying in the first place. To be frank, she was a psychological dogs breakfast. She settled arguments with suicide attempts. We ended up having her committed while he filed for divorce. The marriage lasted three months. The third wife is/was his lawyer's admin assistant. This one is working out. On the advice of friends, he changed his picker. Learned to appreciate the "smart" girl. They've actually made it past ten years. So as always, broad generalizations are never quite true.
 

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not sure if someone asked this or not, can you tell me why the her first three marriages failed ?
Good question. Anyone who can't explain why their marriages failed and what their part in it was is not a good prospect.

I remember a former coworker telling me that his three marriages ended because he got tired of putting up with them.

Really? Three divorces and you have no part in any of it?

In fairness to him he is on marriage number four and they seen to be doing ok.... and they've been together at least 6-7 years now. Maybe he changed his picker though because he'd made mention of how his first three wives were all smoking hot but he married this one because she's smart. I'd say she's of average attractiveness.... though she's a few years older then him and looks really good for her age, and she's a lawyer. So maybe they just have more in common.... he's a smart guy (IT manager).
 

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Ok. I'm on my first and almost surely, my only marriage.

Mrs. C went through two marriages before meeting me but they were not good choices and, by the time she met me, she had learned to prioritize certain traits and disregard others.

She would not have given me much more than a good roll in the hay otherwise.

I am 11 years her junior but when she met me, she had resolved not to care about it if other characteristics were there.

We have been together for over 27 years, 23 married.

We did have to deal with a lot of her emotional baggage but we have made it so far.

Both her previous husbands cheated on her and didn't treat her well.

Find out what happened with your girlfriend.

Investing some time before you marry her by talking to her seems worth it.
 

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Is it known why subsequent marriages are more likely to fail? I tend to jump to the conclusion that people with poor morals or poor mental health inflate those failure percentages. My ex wife and I mutually agreed that divorce was in the best interest of all involved. We were a happy couple, who later grew apart and we went our separate ways, as much as possible with shared children. Neither my ex or I was happy, and now we are friends and both happy. I don't feel as though I should be flagged as high risk because I have had a failed marriage.

I had no intent on have a prenuptial agreement. Does that not start the marriage off on the wrong foot? It seems to me that it would send a message that there is no trust in the other person. I have been through a divorce, so I know how they can go and perhaps I am lucky that we had a very even division of assets with no alimony or child support. I don't live in the US, and from what I have read we're not as screwy as the US.
I've read the same things, about subsequent marriages being at a higher rate of failure. I've also read that first husbands make fantastic second husbands. Honestly though, I think it depends on the people involved, how open and honest their relationship and communication are.

Please stop thinking that a prenup starts the marriage off on the wrong foot; that couldn't be further from the truth, although I have some friends who think like this as well, for their own reasons. I've been told that they think prenups take the romance out of relationships. Like you, I live in Canada, and I thank the good Lord that I had a prenup because had it not been in place, my now XH would've gotten my home and my pets. He told me when we were planning our wedding that if things went south, he wouldn't be angry; he'd be accepting. When things actually did go south, I'd never seen him so angry. He went back home and promptly put a hole in one of our dressers. He also wanted about $20K from me for his contributions to living expenses. So, thanks to our prenup, I was able to keep the home that I built (by myself) well before our marriage, and the dogs that I rescued before he was even in the picture. Yes, you got lucky in your first marriage and subsequent divorce. Not everyone is so lucky, so get a prenup. Her reaction to that request will be very telling.
 

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Never never never marry without a prenup and if you do not have one get a post-nuptual contract. My divorce cost me 75% of our shared assets and 30% of my gross for the rest of my life, based on laws that did not even exist when we married.

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WOW sorry this happened. I feel the same, it is easy to get married which is a legal contract but the laws and repercussions surrounding divorce are not known at the time which is a weird way of doing things in the modern world.

Even Prenups can be challenged which i find crazy since you get married based on the agreement in the prenup.
 

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Is it known why subsequent marriages are more likely to fail? I tend to jump to the conclusion that people with poor morals or poor mental health inflate those failure percentages. My ex wife and I mutually agreed that divorce was in the best interest of all involved. We were a happy couple, who later grew apart and we went our separate ways, as much as possible with shared children. Neither my ex or I was happy, and now we are friends and both happy. I don't feel as though I should be flagged as high risk because I have had a failed marriage.

I had no intent on have a prenuptial agreement. Does that not start the marriage off on the wrong foot? It seems to me that it would send a message that there is no trust in the other person. I have been through a divorce, so I know how they can go and perhaps I am lucky that we had a very even division of assets with no alimony or child support. I don't live in the US, and from what I have read we're not as screwy as the US.
Prenup is just an agreement on who gets what should a problem arise, it is not romantic and has a bad stigma but in reality it is taking control of your situation versus letting the law decide what is 'fair' although since you have pretty even division of assets it could be OK.
 

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WOW sorry this happened. I feel the same, it is easy to get married which is a legal contract but the laws and repercussions surrounding divorce are not known at the time which is a weird way of doing things in the modern world.

Even Prenups can be challenged which i find crazy since you get married based on the agreement in the prenup.
In regards to the bolded, when my XH and I were going through our collaborative divorce process, this was brought up. I could tell that my X was interested in pursuing that option, and I was confused about why it would even be offered! Makes no sense to me; if you go through the process and expense of putting a prenup together, honour it.
 

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In regards to the bolded, when my XH and I were going through our collaborative divorce process, this was brought up. I could tell that my X was interested in pursuing that option, and I was confused about why it would even be offered! Makes no sense to me; if you go through the process and expense of putting a prenup together, honour it.
It makes no sense does it? you get married on the agreed terms of the prenup, if you didn't have a prenup you may just refuse marriage since the financial risks are too high for it to make sense You dont get to get divorced and decide some laws dont work for you so you want to challenge them lol.

A former spouse who would challenge a prenup shows a bad character.
 

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It makes no sense does it? you get married on the agreed terms of the prenup, if you didn't have a prenup you may just refuse marriage since the financial risks are too high for it to make sense You dont get to get divorced and decide some laws dont work for you so you want to challenge them lol.

A former spouse who would challenge a prenup shows a bad character.
Bad character may well be the reason for the divorce in the first place.

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Discussion Starter #35 (Edited)
Thank you for the feedback. I as well have read that blending families can be difficult. Blending the children together will be a first for both of us. She has her own children, but none of her ex husband’s had children prior to marrying her. I read that it’s easier to blend families when the order of children (age) isn’t messed up too much. The ages are scattered from 6 to 20, so we expect difficulty having everyone adjust. Not so much the older two, because they are in university and sharing an apartment. Does anyone have good information, books or websites on blending families?

EDIT: She does want to be married again. It is something that we have discussed and I believe she knows the proposal is coming. She is 36, so a bit younger than I am. We have talked about our previous marriages in detail. We have both had a lot of questions for each other. She had one marriage that was doomed from the start, a bad one, and one good one. Her marriages were from age 16-22, 22-22, and at 24 (to 29). Her most recent husband was killed by a drunk driver, 7 years ago. She has talked about her faults in each her marriages, not just the first two. Most of the problems came down to age and immaturity.

There is not much of a reason not to marry, if we would otherwise stay together. Regardless of being married or not, after 3 years living together common-law partners have some of the same rights as married partners (like spousal support if necessary and a fair asset division).
 

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How old is she? Look at her history and why the marriages failed. How long had she known the men before she married and how long did the marriages last. How long between each marriage etc. Question her family, friends and if possible the ex-husbands.
Ok, Ok....

You want a happy woman.
You want to 'give' her a chance.
MeToo.

But if only if you love her skinny little butt. Plump one's count, also.

And you cannot live without her.

Live with her, marry her in the short term, having hope for the long term.
History here is not on your side.

Love is one sided. It wants what it wants.
It gets what it wants, not what it deserves [sometimes, not always].
 

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I havent read through the thread, but her 4th Marriage???? If you had said you were both on your 2nd marriage, then I wouldn't see a red flag. Many people do remarry successfully, but there are some that get bored too quick, really have no business being married and bring down the stats for remarriage.

Anyway, if she is hopping around that much, I'd definately be worried if she is one of those 'bored too quick' type.
 

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I'm a little bit late to the game on this thread, but I've read it in its entirety and feel I have something to add.

I think the chance of failure of 2nd, et al, marriages depend on the individuals. I've known many couples who have had successful second marriages, and they did so because they took the time to learn from their mistakes and to grow out of the experience to choose better partners and also BE better partners in their second marriages.

Most of the people I've known who have had more than 2 marriages (and divorces) are those who did not learn/grow from their experiences, and keep making the same mistakes and the same choices over and over again. As long as they continue to do this, the pattern will never change, and their relationships will never be successful.

Now, onto your specific situation (additional comments to follow the quote below) ...

Thank you for the feedback. I as well have read that blending families can be difficult. Blending the children together will be a first for both of us. She has her own children, but none of her ex husband’s had children prior to marrying her. I read that it’s easier to blend families when the order of children (age) isn’t messed up too much. The ages are scattered from 6 to 20, so we expect difficulty having everyone adjust. Not so much the older two, because they are in university and sharing an apartment. Does anyone have good information, books or websites on blending families?

EDIT: She does want to be married again. It is something that we have discussed and I believe she knows the proposal is coming. She is 36, so a bit younger than I am. We have talked about our previous marriages in detail. We have both had a lot of questions for each other. She had one marriage that was doomed from the start, a bad one, and one good one. Her marriages were from age 16-22, 22-22, and at 24 (to 29). Her most recent husband was killed by a drunk driver, 7 years ago. She has talked about her faults in each her marriages, not just the first two. Most of the problems came down to age and immaturity.

There is not much of a reason not to marry, if we would otherwise stay together. Regardless of being married or not, after 3 years living together common-law partners have some of the same rights as married partners (like spousal support if necessary and a fair asset division).
Not a ton of info here, but actually a lot more to go on than the average reader might think.

First marriage: Married at 16, and she has a child in college (I'm assuming that at least one of the older two children are hers), and she is 36 now? The first marriage sounds like a shotgun wedding because she got pregnant in high school. These marriages rarely work out, and frequently end in divorce. This perhaps can be chalked up to two people who should have never been together in the first place finally agreeing that they need to stop forcing something that was never right to begin with.

Second marriage: Right after the first one ended, and lasted less than a year. I'm guessing she started dating husband #2 during the separation, and married quickly after the divorce, and just as quickly found out that this wasn't a good guy. At the very least, the guy wasn't emotionally mature enough to know that dating during separation and a marriage right after a divorce is clearly a rebound relationship, but because the OP said the marriage was BAD, I'm guessing that the guy in question was either abusive, an addict, or both. At any rate, SHE (at age 22) was too young and had too little relationship experience (remember, she married the first husband at age 16) to recognize that this was clearly a rebound relationship, and she likely wasn't in a good place emotionally to recognize the red flags that she might have seen with a little more experience and maturity.

Third marriage: Actually appears to have been solid, from the OP's assessment, and only ended after 5 years because her husband died--there's a good chance that they would still be together if he hadn't died, and is she indeed learned from her prior experiences. As @Affaircare said, I don't think that a marriage ending because a partner died should be held against her.

But I think the most telling thing here is that it has been seven years since her last marriage ended. That is a CLEAR change in her earlier pattern, where there was much less time between her previous marriages. I think that may indicate that she has matured and has learned from her previous experiences--she didn't rush out and try to get married again right away to the first man who came along. I think this is probably a good sign.

However, I would still proceed with caution. Not necessarily because of her, but because of the KIDS. As others have said, children and blending of families is one of the MAJOR causes of 2nd marriages breaking up, so this needs to be your primary focus. I actually think that being intentional and working through how you will blend your families is MORE important than a prenup. You need to get on the same page in terms of parenting styles and discipline, and how your exes parent, how this could create conflict, and how all of this is going to work together. If you want this marriage to work, how you go about blending is the absolute most important thing, and sometimes, no matter how intentional you are, and no matter how hard you work at the blending, the kids could still create conflict and tension that is intense enough to end the marriage anyway.
 

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I just do not understand saying “I will love you forever till death do us part” - then, oops, no, that was a mistake.

I will love YOU new man till death do us part. Oops again.

Now YOU! You are the one to love for all eternity. Oh no, another oops.

Now YOU op - man number four, you are the man I will truely love forever.....

The odds of that “sticking” and truly lasting forever are quite slim.

My mom was marrried, and divorced 5 times. I had relationships with high school boyfriends that lasted longer than some of her marriages.

My dad on the other hand has been married twice. This is also the second marriage for his wife of 25+ years now.

So - why do you want to be husband number four? The odds really are stacked against you. Sure it happens when the 4th marriage “sticks” but it is an extreme rarity.
 
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