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As a psychologist your wife should be familiar with what I have to say.

The attention she gets from FB, texting, posting, getting smilies etc is addictive. The attention triggers the same centers in the brain as heroin.

Plus: old high school friends are high risk for infidelity (something else she should be aware of). This is very unfair to you. Typically contact triggers a feeling of being young again which is also a feeling that's difficult to let go of.

Finally, the answer is for her to stop all social media. She's addicted the attention and she needs to shut down the source.
I totally agree with this!
Also her behavior shows a total disrespect for you and your marriage!
And she is a therapist? Ugh!

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I’m not really sure. I guess I was looking for confirmation that some women go through a similar situation at some points. I really think it’s a midlife crisis or some sort of chemical imbalance. She wants to quit as much as I want her to quit.
Yep...most women go through it right before they enter into a full blown affair

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There’s no allowing or disallowing. She’s an adult. I can’t MAKE her do anything.

She definitely would not have been ok with that agreement at the beginning of our marriage. Nor would have I. But she has always been an extremely strong personality type. If you don’t like it you’re free to leave type. She’s not going to change her mind for anybody at anytime. That’s basically where we are now. She has said what she is doing is wrong, but she doesn’t want to stop. She hopes it’s a phase and she doesn’t want the attention before long, but she’s not going to stop while she wants it.
No. You can't make her do anything. But YOU sure as hell can do something. Remove yourself from the situation. Or you can ask her to leave.

She gets an A for honesty I guess? Not wearing her wedding ring because she wants compliments from other men (and women) is a big **** you to your face. Do you get that?

Just because she's in the business doesn't mean she's beyond help. That she refuses to seek professional help makes her narcissistic and a know-it-all. She doesn't know everything. She's most likely tone-deaf to many things because she's so caught up in how hot she is and reveling in the attention she's getting. So no, she doesn't know it all. How about marital counseling?

I know you're not at the divorce stage and I respect that. Don't think I would be, either. We're all different. But man,you've gotta bone up in the strength department and quit being so "understanding." Do you even get angry in front of her about this? You're allowed to, you know. She's treating your marriage like a farce and you like a friend who's gossiping about boys who like her. It's all really immature.

Just because she admits it's wrong doesn't mitigate the damage she's doing. In fact, I think it makes it worse. She is digging her heels in and doesn't GAF what you say or think. All she has to do is turn off all social media. I firmly believe she doesn't want to quit despite what she says. She loves it too much.

ETA: I've read more of your responses. What is your plan if her checkup comes back clean? Is there an end-date for how long you will tolerate her behavior? I rarely throw this word out, but do you know how close you sound to that of a cuckold? If you're ok with that,cool. No judging from me.
 

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Discussion Starter #44
No. You can't make her do anything. But YOU sure as hell can do something. Remove yourself from the situation. Or you can ask her to leave.

She gets an A for honesty I guess? Not wearing her wedding ring because she wants compliments from other men (and women) is a big **** you to your face. Do you get that?

Just because she's in the business doesn't mean she's beyond help. That she refuses to seek professional help makes her narcissistic and a know-it-all. She doesn't know everything. She's most likely tone-deaf to many things because she's so caught up in how hot she is and reveling in the attention she's getting. So no, she doesn't know it all. How about marital counseling?

I know you're not at the divorce stage and I respect that. Don't think I would be, either. We're all different. But man,you've gotta bone up in the strength department and quit being so "understanding." Do you even get angry in front of her about this? You're allowed to, you know. She's treating your marriage like a farce and you like a friend who's gossiping about boys who like her. It's all really immature.

Just because she admits it's wrong doesn't mitigate the damage she's doing. In fact, I think it makes it worse. She is digging her heels in and doesn't GAF what you say or think. All she has to do is turn off all social media. I firmly believe she doesn't want to quit despite what she says. She loves it too much.
Yep, the not wearing the wedding ring is an argument everyday. She’s at a point where she’s frankly just tired of hearing me talk about it. She said the time will come she’ll tired start wearing it again, but it’s not yet.
I get it. I’m weak, I’m too understanding. After 15 years, I’m still head over heels in love. I have zero desire to ever be with another person and frankly the thought of it makes me sick. I haven’t heard anything hear that I didn’t expect. I know exactly how things sound. What are the odds if I nut up, she straightens out? Or what needs to be done on my end to start preparing myself for a separation?
 

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Discussion Starter #45
The question put forth was "do women go through this, is it normal?" Yes, women go through this at times. Every single women I've met to go through it cheated on her doting husband and turned into a complete POS wife. I'm sorry to say it but it's true. My boyfriend was scrolling through his Facebook feed the other day and said very sadly "there goes another one" when he saw his friend's wife posting all kinds of selfies and sexy shots on her wall. I asked what he meant "it always starts off that way...next year they'll be divorced." It happened with his ex wife...she had weight loss surgery and by the end of the year she was cheating on him. Every woman I know who has had this "I need attention so much!!" phase has cheated on her husband.

She says she'd be gutted if you changed your status on Facebook to single but it's okay for her to do it to you? Um...nope. If she wants to be single so badly, treat her that way. Start the 180, make your own plans to go out. Make sure to post pictures of your good times. And change your facebook status immediately.

She says she won't go to a counselor because she already knows what they'll say. Ask her what she would tell a male client who came in with your story? What would she advise him???

Incidentally, EVERYONE lies, everyone. So don't think for even one hot minute that your wife can't lie to you. I promise you, she can and she has.
Yeah, I know things sound terrible. And I can’t explain why it’s different but it’s just different. But, what are the chances if I but up, she straightens up? Or will this likely just erode things more quickly? I’m not to a point yet where separation is an option.
 

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At this point, I think you're only chance is to let her see what her actions will cause...ie...you're going to go out and have fun too. She thinks she can put you on a shelf and go have her fun. Show her that won't happen. The fear of losing you might be enough to get her back to reality.
 

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Discussion Starter #47
At this point, I think you're only chance is to let her see what her actions will cause...ie...you're going to go out and have fun too. She thinks she can put you on a shelf and go have her fun. Show her that won't happen. The fear of losing you might be enough to get her back to reality.
She encourages me to go out and have fun. I have gone out for drinks with friends a few times. She’s glad I’m having a good time. I just don’t tell her I’d have more fun staying home with her. Maybe I’m smothering. I honestly don’t want to do anything if it doesn’t involve her.
She has mentioned she thinks we’re getting old and boring. We need to go out and have more fun. I have proposed finding some other couples to go out with and she loves the idea. But she also firmly believes she needs to have her friends and I have mine that we spend time with without each other every once and awhile.
 

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What are the odds if I nut up, she straightens out? Or what needs to be done on my end to start preparing myself for a separation?
She might not straighten out. Probably won't. But do you not respect yourself or love yourself enough to not allow anyone, even the love of your life, to walk all over you? She knows you'll never leave and that's the problem. She can do whatever she wants and you won't leave.

She's basically getting numerous hall passes (without getting physical that we know of). How is that fair to you? What about you? I'm not one for playing games, but I think you should live your own life while under the same roof (the 180) and do your own thing. Hell, take off your wedding ring, go do what she's doing. If you don't want to, make her think that's what you're doing. This whole situation is so egregious and inequitable . It's gross. Her entitlement is astounding.

And, you need to go see a lawyer and find out what a legal separation and/or divorce would look like. Doesn't mean you have to go through with it. Consider it a fact-finding mission.

I'll also let you in on a secret. Women abhor weak men. The respect dwindles to one scintilla if their man doesn't have a spine. Be a man of action.
 

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There’s no allowing or disallowing. She’s an adult. I can’t MAKE her do anything.

She definitely would not have been ok with that agreement at the beginning of our marriage. Nor would have I. But she has always been an extremely strong personality type. If you don’t like it you’re free to leave type. She’s not going to change her mind for anybody at anytime. That’s basically where we are now. She has said what she is doing is wrong, but she doesn’t want to stop. She hopes it’s a phase and she doesn’t want the attention before long, but she’s not going to stop while she wants it.
So then there's nothing really to complain about because this is all stuff which you would have allowed, had you given it any thought? You didn't define boundaries in your relationship and marriage but, if you had, they would have been along the lines of what many would consider an "open" marriage?

Pretending that's not an issue for a moment, let's just look at her knowing something is wrong but not wanting to stop.

-What happens when you ask her if she'd like help stopping?

-What happens if you point out that people who can't stop doing something they know is wrong, will progress to rationalizing things even further from their sense of right & wrong over time?
 

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You’re right, I could be wrong. But I choose to believe her because I still trust her. I feel 100% confident she will not cheat. I guess I’m just wondering if this is a normal type of phase some women go through. And if you knew 100% your wife would remain faithful, would you still have a problem with these actions?
Your wife wants to separate so that she can go out on dates with other guys?
She takes off her wedding ring and removes any mention on FB that she is married?
Seriously? Do you not realize how disrespectful that is to you and your marriage?
Even if she can't admit it to you and herself, she is either looking for a side piece or your replacement.
You need to have more respect for your self and nip the s**t in the bud.
Either she gets her ego boost from you or your out.
You may as well issue this edict now and stand a chance of having a marriage.
Because if you don't you will either be cheated on or summarily dismissed.
 

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We have discussed that. She admits that the way she feels is wrong, but she doesn’t want to change it. She said she would be absolutely destroyed if I were to remove marriage labels on Facebook, etc, but cannot be mad because she is doing it. Though she has said she would have zero issue with me hanging out with female friends in a platonic setting, which is what she’s asking for. She just wants to be told she’s good looking by other men when she’s out.
She has a problem with double standards, huh?
Give her a double dose of what she is giving you.
When she freaks, tell you you will quit when she does.
It's not the most mature way to handle it; however, it might be the only way that she quits.
 

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Discussion Starter #52
She might not straighten out. Probably won't. But do you not respect yourself or love yourself enough to not allow anyone, even the love of your life, to walk all over you? She knows you'll never leave and that's the problem. She can do whatever she wants and you won't leave.

She's basically getting numerous hall passes (without getting physical that we know of). How is that fair to you? What about you? I'm not one for playing games, but I think you should live your own life while under the same roof (the 180) and do your own thing. Hell, take off your wedding ring, go do what she's doing. If you don't want to, make her think that's what you're doing. This whole situation is so egregious and inequitable . It's gross. Her entitlement is astounding.

And, you need to go see a lawyer and find out what a legal separation and/or divorce would look like. Doesn't mean you have to go through with it. Consider it a fact-finding mission.

I'll also let you in on a secret. Women abhor weak men. The respect dwindles to one scintilla if their man doesn't have a spine. Be a man of action.
It’s weird, I don’t let anybody walk over me, usually not even her. I’ve always been strong. But she came to me and just said she needs the attention for awhile and I tried to empathize with her. I don’t want her to be unhappy.
She encourages me to go out with friends as well. She has even said it can be females because it’s only fair. She doesn’t want me to sit at home and be miserable.
I have actually had the talk with her about whether or not I’m weak for going along with it. She said stupid maybe, but definitely not weak. I feel that it takes an incredibly strong man to put that much trust in his spouse.
 

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Discussion Starter #53
No. You can't make her do anything. But YOU sure as hell can do something. Remove yourself from the situation. Or you can ask her to leave.

She gets an A for honesty I guess? Not wearing her wedding ring because she wants compliments from other men (and women) is a big **** you to your face. Do you get that?

Just because she's in the business doesn't mean she's beyond help. That she refuses to seek professional help makes her narcissistic and a know-it-all. She doesn't know everything. She's most likely tone-deaf to many things because she's so caught up in how hot she is and reveling in the attention she's getting. So no, she doesn't know it all. How about marital counseling?

I know you're not at the divorce stage and I respect that. Don't think I would be, either. We're all different. But man,you've gotta bone up in the strength department and quit being so "understanding." Do you even get angry in front of her about this? You're allowed to, you know. She's treating your marriage like a farce and you like a friend who's gossiping about boys who like her. It's all really immature.

Just because she admits it's wrong doesn't mitigate the damage she's doing. In fact, I think it makes it worse. She is digging her heels in and doesn't GAF what you say or think. All she has to do is turn off all social media. I firmly believe she doesn't want to quit despite what she says. She loves it too much.

ETA: I've read more of your responses. What is your plan if her checkup comes back clean? Is there an end-date for how long you will tolerate her behavior? I rarely throw this word out, but do you know how close you sound to that of a cuckold? If you're ok with that,cool. No judging from me.
Absolutely no, not a cuck. If she does cheat or comes to me asking if she can, I draw the line. That won’t happen and our marriage stay together. I’ve made that abundantly clear. She agrees and says that’s not what she’s after. She is purely in it for the high of being desired.
 

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Discussion Starter #54
Your wife wants to separate so that she can go out on dates with other guys?
She takes off her wedding ring and removes any mention on FB that she is married?
Seriously? Do you not realize how disrespectful that is to you and your marriage?
Even if she can't admit it to you and herself, she is either looking for a side piece or your replacement.
You need to have more respect for your self and nip the s**t in the bud.
Either she gets her ego boost from you or your out.
You may as well issue this edict now and stand a chance of having a marriage.
Because if you don't you will either be cheated on or summarily dismissed.
No, she’s not going on dates. She’s never one on one with the guys. It always a group setting, mixed men and women. Like fishing trips, etc. But sometimes the main inviter is a male friend. Other times our son has gone and hung out with them too. So I know she’s not doing anything nefarious.
 

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No, she’s not going on dates. She’s never one on one with the guys. It always a group setting, mixed men and women. Like fishing trips, etc. But sometimes the main inviter is a male friend. Other times our son has gone and hung out with them too. So I know she’s not doing anything nefarious.
If she is going out with a mixed group, ask her why she is so ashamed of you that you can't be in the mix?
If it is all so above board, and she has said that she would have no problem going out with you and other couples, what is so different about this?
I'll tell you what the difference is, she is out "Shopping." She can't do that if you are around.
She has said that you may be stupid for going along with it.
When they make a statement like that, believe them!
You either need to toughen up and lay down the law or mimic her down to the letter.
List your status on FB as "Single", lose the wedding ring, find your own mixed group with some real "Hot" women in it. Liberally sprinkle your pictures on FB and other media. Show her that there are some other woman that want to hang with you, even if your own wife doesn't.
Why do you like playing Russian Roulette with your marriage?
 

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She’s doing what she wants. She doesn’t care about your feelings enough to stop. Unfortunately, there are no magic words you can offer that will make her stop. It’s up to her what she does and it’s up to you what you’re willing to tolerate. Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter #57
If she is going out with a mixed group, ask her why she is so ashamed of you that you can't be in the mix?
If it is all so above board, and she has said that she would have no problem going out with you and other couples, what is so different about this?
I'll tell you what the difference is, she is out "Shopping." She can't do that if you are around.
She has said that you may be stupid for going along with it.
When they make a statement like that, believe them!
You either need to toughen up and lay down the law or mimic her down to the letter.
List your status on FB as "Single", lose the wedding ring, find your own mixed group with some real "Hot" women in it. Liberally sprinkle your pictures on FB and other media. Show her that there are some other woman that want to hang with you, even if your own wife doesn't.
Why do you like playing Russian Roulette with your marriage?
I’ve asked before, she just says she wants us each to have our own group of friends, separate from each other. Sometimes it’s healthy to have a little separation like that.

She’s not marked as single on her profile, she just made the relationship status to where only a handful of people can see it. (She’s still linked to my account, she’s just hidden it from public view).
 

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I’ve asked before, she just says she wants us each to have our own group of friends, separate from each other. Sometimes it’s healthy to have a little separation like that.

She’s not marked as single on her profile, she just made the relationship status to where only a handful of people can see it. (She’s still linked to my account, she’s just hidden it from public view).
There is not necessarily anything wrong with having some separate friends.
My wife and I do as well.
However, she doesn't hang out with guys, and I don't hang out with women.
We do this out of respect for each other and our relationship.
I think the context of the situation makes the whole thing appear nefarious.
I could see a situation where you might not participate in activities all the time, but to be totally excluded? Not good.
No one else in this group thinks this is strange? Are all these people single, or are there a mix of married people?
Do they not think that it is strange that you are excluded? There are many other questions that can be asked, but these are the key ones.
At least she hasn't declared her self as single on FB, but her actions can enable one to draw a different conclusion.
I would be happy to be wrong here, but I don't see this whole thing boding well for you.
You have two plays here: 1) "Man" up, nip it in the bud and cooperatively come up with a scenario with proper boundaries where she can get what she needs, while allows you to feel respected and "safe" in the relationship. or 2) You give her exactly what she is giving you. Get some new clothes, go to the gym, new haircut, go on a real self improvement kick. Have your own life as well. Make her "Plan B", like she has you. Frankly, that might be your best play. She doesn't think you have the guts to do it. If you do it, she most likely will feel the threat, will comprehend where you are coming from, and will adjust her attitude accordingly.
Either way, you need to do something quickly, before it is too late (if it isn't already.)
 

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She’s doing what she wants. She doesn’t care about your feelings enough to stop. Unfortunately, there are no magic words you can offer that will make her stop. It’s up to her what she does and it’s up to you what you’re willing to tolerate. Good luck.
Exactly. The only thing that is going to make her stop is action.
Action from the OP is what is needed.
She needs a double dose of the load she is feeding him served up to her.
Actions speak louder than words.
Mrs. OP needs to feel action, and a dose of discomfort.
 

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She’s doing what she wants. She doesn’t care about your feelings enough to stop. Unfortunately, there are no magic words you can offer that will make her stop. It’s up to her what she does and it’s up to you what you’re willing to tolerate. Good luck.

Exactly. The only thing that is going to make her stop is action.
Action from the OP is what is needed.
She needs a double dose of the load she is feeding him served up to her.
Actions speak louder than words.
Mrs. OP needs to feel action, and a dose of discomfort.
 
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