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Appropriate behavior?

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#1 ·
My wife and I have been married for 15 years. I have always felt that we have a rock solid relationship with no real problems. A few months back, my wife started having some bouts of depression. There were days she just got down and didn’t care. Over the past few years, she has also worked very very hard to get into shape. She is in amazing shape now and looks phenomenal. A month or two after she began having her fight with depression, she started posting selfies, and began getting very positive feedback from friends. This, of course, have her a bit of a confidence boost and she started feeling a little better. There were a couple of creeps who would heart react every selfie and post inappropriate comments. I noted how uncomfortable I was with this and she deleted these people saying if it hurts me, it hurts her too. Overtime, she stopped posting selfies in her wall and moved more towards just posting in her Facebook stories. She began receiving multiple messages and friend requests everyday. She was very up front and told me she absolutely loves the attention and has had zero feelings of depression since she’s been getting this attention. I swallowed my pride and didn’t say much because it made her happy, even though it was hurting me. That eventually developed into a craving for social interaction. She was yes to go hang out with friends by herself without me, because she needed time to herself to get away from the family setting and have fun with friends. Which I get, but the main problem is, mostly all of these old friends from high school are men. She saw it was absolutely killing me, and proposed a break so she can have her fun without it hurting me. I explained my feelings and desire to just stay together. She has promised me, which I 100% believe because she is basically incapable of lying, that she has zero desire to have a relationship with anyone else. She just has developed a craving for this attention that she cannot give up. It has gotten to the point that she removed mention of our marriage in Facebook and will not wear her wedding ring when she’s out with friends because it may cause her to get less attention. We discuss it almost daily. She desperately hopes it’s just a faze that will eventually die off, but she is unwilling to stop in the mean time for fear of falling back into depression. Again, I do not believe she is cheating whatsoever. I do perhaps fear overtime she will develop a connection with somebody else, but I know she has no desire to sleep with them. She just craves their attention. Am I wrong to be upset? Am I wrong for agreeing to allow this behavior for her happiness? Am I wrong for wanting her to acknowledge our marriage on Facebook? Are my feelings misplaced? She agrees that her actions are selfish and hurtful, but she doesn’t want to stop because it makes her feel so good and she’s afraid of falling into depression again. Are these normal feelings she’s feeling? Please help!!!
 
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#3 · (Edited)
Nope, NOT appropriate at all. Sounds to me like she is a bit manic, and depression is NOT her only issue.
Her going out to "hang out" with guy friends? WHAT? Nope, not without you especially if she is wanting all this attention.
I BET her actions while out doing this would not pass the husband (or even boyfriend) test.
You are NOT wrong to be upset, and I feel you should NOT allow her to do this. Taking OFF that she is married? Taking OFF her wedding rings? The message she is trying to give is that she is available and just waiting for guys to come on to her.
IF she is afraid of "falling into depression" that needs to be discussed with her Dr or counselor -- NOT by having guys drool all over her. This is just asking for problems -- and in fact there are ALREADY problems.

", which I 100% believe because she is basically incapable of lying, "
SO EVERY betrayed spouse has said on theses forums and elsewhere. You have her on a pedestal and THAT needs to be stopped asap.
 
#5 ·
Nope, NOT appropriate at all. Sounds to me like she is a bit manic, and depression is NOT her only issue.
Her going out to "hang out" with guy friends? WHAT? Nope, not without you especially if she is wanting all this attention.
I BET her actions doing this would not pass the husband (or even boyfriend) test.
You are NOT wrong to be upset, and I feel you should NOT allow her to do this. Taking OFF that she is married? Taking OFF her wedding rings? The message she is trying to give is that she is available and just waiting for guys to come on to her.
IF she is afraid of "falling into depression" that needs to be discussed with her Dr or counselor -- NOT by having guys drool all over her. This is just asking for problems -- and in fact there are ALREADY problems.

", which I 100% believe because she is basically incapable of lying, "
SO EVERY betrayed spouse has said on theses forums and elsewhere. You have her on a pedestal and THAT needs to be stopped asap.
She’s already in the medical profession, specifically mental health, a psychologist. She’s not really interested in counseling because that’s what she does and she already knows everything they’ll tell her to try and she’s tried it. She’s had some other medical tests run and is awaiting those results. She’s hoping something can be found as the culprit. Because this is honestly a complete 180 of how she’s felt her entire life. We’re well aware something is off but not sure what.

Im well aware most people say they trust their spouse, but I honestly can say I do. She’s been 100% upfront and honest about the entire thing. She wants it to stop as much as I do, but also is loving having the attention she’s never had.
 
#6 ·
Your wife has her ass in the store window just waiting for the right man, then you and your marriage will be history.
I’m not surprised she’s behaving like this actually because you have shown her that she can do anything she wants and you will “support” her. How could any woman possibly have any respect for a husband who would put up with this crap.
Either find your balls or else get a lawyer.
 
#10 ·
She saw it was absolutely killing me, and proposed a break so she can have her fun without it hurting me.

What does that even mean? Have her fun?


It has gotten to the point that she removed mention of our marriage in Facebook and will not wear her wedding ring when she’s out with friends because it may cause her to get less attention.

This is totally inappropriate. Has she seen a psychiatrist? Maybe she needs her chemicals balanced? That or she's having some sort of a mid-life crisis.
 
#11 ·
I asked her to not hang out with male friends, because it made me uncomfortable. A few of them were inappropriate and obviously only wanted one thing from her. Luckily, she noticed this as well and told those creeps to go to hell. She stopped for a short while but just said she needs to be able to go out and have fun with friends sometimes.

She went to a doctor recently for a complete work upto see if anything is wrong. We’re currently awaiting results.
 
#14 ·
As a psychologist your wife should be familiar with what I have to say.

The attention she gets from FB, texting, posting, getting smilies etc is addictive. The attention triggers the same centers in the brain as heroin.

Plus: old high school friends are high risk for infidelity (something else she should be aware of). This is very unfair to you. Typically contact triggers a feeling of being young again which is also a feeling that's difficult to let go of.

Finally, the answer is for her to stop all social media. She's addicted the attention and she needs to shut down the source.
 
#18 ·
As a psychologist your wife should be familiar with what I have to say.

The attention she gets from FB, texting, posting, getting smilies etc is addictive. The attention triggers the same centers in the brain as heroin.

Plus: old high school friends are high risk for infidelity (something else she should be aware of). This is very unfair to you. Typically contact triggers a feeling of being young again which is also a feeling that's difficult to let go of.

Finally, the answer is for her to stop all social media. She's addicted the attention and she needs to shut down the source.
100% what she has said. It’s addicting, like a drug. She knows it’s bad and doesn’t want to stop. She did take a short break, but ended up getting back on again.
 
#22 · (Edited)
"Though she has said she would have zero issue with me hanging out with female friends in a platonic setting, which is what she’s asking for. She just wants to be told she’s good looking by other men when she’s out. "
It is NOT platonic if that is what she's getting when out. What do you think the guys think of her when they are out with her? Here is a hot married chick who completely disrespects her marriage and husband -- she doesn't even wear her rings and she eats up all of our attention.
What does THAT look like to YOU? Is that respectful? You don't think if friends of yours saw her acting like this, they would think poorly of her and of YOUR marriage? She is ALREADY damaging your marriage. She wants what SHE wants even KNOWING that it hurts you.

If you are so sure that nothing is going on, have a PI follow her on those "friends nights out" a few times. I bet you will NOT like what you find.
 
#25 ·
"Though she has said she would have zero issue with me hanging out with female friends in a platonic setting, which is what she’s asking for. She just wants to be told she’s good looking by other men when she’s out. "
It is NOT platonic if that is what she's getting when out. What do you think the guys think of her when they are out with her? Here is a hot married chick who completely disrespects her marriage and husband -- she doesn't even wear her rings and she eats up all of our attention.
What does THAT look like to YOU? Is that respectful? You don't think if friends of yours saw her acting like this, they would think poorly of her and of YOUR marriage? She is ALREADY damaging your marriage. She wnats what SHE wants even KNOWING that it hurts you.

If you are so sure that nothing is going on, have a PI follow her on those "friends nights out" a few times. I bet you will NOT like what you find.
She’s not looking for compliments from her male friends. Maybe I haven’t been too clear on that. They’re just somebody to hang out with. It’s other random weirdos onFacebook or when she’s out in social settings with her friends.
 
#29 ·
I’m not really sure. I guess I was looking for confirmation that some women go through a similar situation at some points. I really think it’s a midlife crisis or some sort of chemical imbalance. She wants to quit as much as I want her to quit.
 
#34 ·
So YOU need to do some soul searching. Are you ok with her putting out there and getting attention, disrepecting YOU and your marriage (which IS what she is doing).
What will you say if she goes a little TOO far, and then a little bit further until....
YOU need to think about this. Why are YOU willing to put up with her doing this?
YOU are the one hurting -- and she doesn't care. She knows you want her to quit (and "says" she does) -- and yet she doesn't care, she's going to continue it.
SHE would be pissed if you took "married" off of your FB page. WHY DON'T YOU? Why don't YOU show HER a taste of her own medicine -- go out with YOUR friends, and flirt with women. Make sure YOU take off YOUR wedding rings right in front of her before you go out.
WHY DON'T YOU care enough about yourself to NOT put up with this?
NOBODY gets 100% of everything they want in a marriage, ESPECIALLY if what they want would hurt their partner.
 
#36 ·
So YOU need to do some soul searching. Are you ok with her putting out there and getting attention, disrepecting YOU and your marriage (which IS what she is doing).
What will you say if she goes a little TOO far, and then a little bit further until....
YOU need to think about this. Why are YOU willing to put up with her doing this?
YOU are the one hurting -- and she doesn't care. She knows you want her to quit (and "says" she does) -- and yet she doesn't care, she's going to continue it.
SHE would be pissed if you took "married" off of your FB page. WHY DON'T YOU? Why don't YOU show HER a taste of her own medicine -- go out with YOUR friends, and flirt with women. Make sure YOU take off YOUR wedding rings right in front of her before you go out.
WHY DON'T YOU care enough about yourself to NOT put up with this?
NOBODY gets 100% of everything they want in a marriage, ESPECIALLY if what they want would hurt their partner.
I truly don’t care about people flirting. I’m sure it feels great to get the attention. I’mnot comfortable with the tactics she’s using to get more attention. I, of course, would love her acknowledgement on Facebook.

Im not the social butterfly that she is. She has been encouraging me to go out with friends more, and I have. But all of my friends are male. I have asked how’d she feel if I went out with a female and she said it would kill her but there’s not much she can say about it and that if it’s what I feel I need to do she wouldn’t say anything.

I know I can say for a fact she gets very bored with them, quickly. A few days of texting and one day of hanging out and she’s done with them. She just loses interest when they take it as something it’s not. Meaning they try to take it to a step further than platonic.
 
#37 ·
I know 3 women that went through it almost exactly as you have told. Two are divorced from cheating and the husband of the third should know soon. I said should know soon but deep down I’m sure he knows already but hasn’t allowed his mind to accept that truth.......but of course everyone else can see it plain as day. All three had become attention oars after getting in shape.....all early to mid 40.

You need to see the light ..... but your just not ready yet. Maybe you can wear her wedding ring now that she doesn’t
 
#40 ·
The question put forth was "do women go through this, is it normal?" Yes, women go through this at times. Every single women I've met to go through it cheated on her doting husband and turned into a complete POS wife. I'm sorry to say it but it's true. My boyfriend was scrolling through his Facebook feed the other day and said very sadly "there goes another one" when he saw his friend's wife posting all kinds of selfies and sexy shots on her wall. I asked what he meant "it always starts off that way...next year they'll be divorced." It happened with his ex wife...she had weight loss surgery and by the end of the year she was cheating on him. Every woman I know who has had this "I need attention so much!!" phase has cheated on her husband.

She says she'd be gutted if you changed your status on Facebook to single but it's okay for her to do it to you? Um...nope. If she wants to be single so badly, treat her that way. Start the 180, make your own plans to go out. Make sure to post pictures of your good times. And change your facebook status immediately.

She says she won't go to a counselor because she already knows what they'll say. Ask her what she would tell a male client who came in with your story? What would she advise him???

Incidentally, EVERYONE lies, everyone. So don't think for even one hot minute that your wife can't lie to you. I promise you, she can and she has.
 
#45 ·
The question put forth was "do women go through this, is it normal?" Yes, women go through this at times. Every single women I've met to go through it cheated on her doting husband and turned into a complete POS wife. I'm sorry to say it but it's true. My boyfriend was scrolling through his Facebook feed the other day and said very sadly "there goes another one" when he saw his friend's wife posting all kinds of selfies and sexy shots on her wall. I asked what he meant "it always starts off that way...next year they'll be divorced." It happened with his ex wife...she had weight loss surgery and by the end of the year she was cheating on him. Every woman I know who has had this "I need attention so much!!" phase has cheated on her husband.

She says she'd be gutted if you changed your status on Facebook to single but it's okay for her to do it to you? Um...nope. If she wants to be single so badly, treat her that way. Start the 180, make your own plans to go out. Make sure to post pictures of your good times. And change your facebook status immediately.

She says she won't go to a counselor because she already knows what they'll say. Ask her what she would tell a male client who came in with your story? What would she advise him???

Incidentally, EVERYONE lies, everyone. So don't think for even one hot minute that your wife can't lie to you. I promise you, she can and she has.
Yeah, I know things sound terrible. And I can’t explain why it’s different but it’s just different. But, what are the chances if I but up, she straightens up? Or will this likely just erode things more quickly? I’m not to a point yet where separation is an option.
 
#47 ·
She encourages me to go out and have fun. I have gone out for drinks with friends a few times. She’s glad I’m having a good time. I just don’t tell her I’d have more fun staying home with her. Maybe I’m smothering. I honestly don’t want to do anything if it doesn’t involve her.
She has mentioned she thinks we’re getting old and boring. We need to go out and have more fun. I have proposed finding some other couples to go out with and she loves the idea. But she also firmly believes she needs to have her friends and I have mine that we spend time with without each other every once and awhile.
 
#64 ·
I'm going to add my 2 cents as a woman. You have repeatedly said she likes the "attention." However, the type of "attention" she seeks isn't good for your marriage. I mean, she removes her wedding ring - WTF???

This is about disrespect. This is about you not having clear boundaries. Granted you cannot "make" anyone do anything against their will. But we're talking about a marriage here. What part of your wife becoming so wrapped up in needing other people's approval to feel good that she has to hang out in bars to do it are you okay with????

This is just wrong on so many levels. Sure, I can see enjoying compliments, but your wife is shaking her ass in public and making it seem like she's unattached.

Denial. It's a powerful thing.
 
#65 ·
I'm going to add my 2 cents as a woman. You have repeatedly said she likes the "attention." However, the type of "attention" she seeks isn't good for your marriage. I mean, she removes her wedding ring - WTF???

This is about disrespect. This is about you not having clear boundaries. Granted you cannot "make" anyone do anything against their will. But we're talking about a marriage here. What part of your wife becoming so wrapped up in needing other people's approval to feel good that she has to hang out in bars to do it are you okay with????

This is just wrong on so many levels. Sure, I can see enjoying compliments, but your wife is shaking her ass in public and making it seem like she's unattached.

Denial. It's a powerful thing.
She’s not always hanging out in bars. In fact it’s never a bar. She’s always up front with people if they ask if she’s married. She’s just afraid the appearance of a ring might detract from ones desire to compliment her. She’s always bluntly honest that she just wants their compliments, nothing more.
 
#83 ·
@Anon76 you are playing with fire and it is a matter of time before someone comes along displays his desire and your wife reciprocates.

Not acknowledging she is married on FB or wearing her wedding ring are both disrespectful to you and your marriage. You talk about boundaries but she has already walked all over them and you let her. it is time for you to man up for goodness sake.
She got fit and attractive and none of it was for you, can't you see that and how screwed up this whole scenario is.

I cannot see how this kind of attention on social media is even healthy!
She needs a 'come to Jesus' moment because you have been feeding into her ******** from day 1 and making excuses. Yeah you love her but to be honest, a man who loves his woman, will not let anyone else come sniffing around and will protect what he has. You are weak and are not doing that. In fact to her that is probably totally unattractive but she is getting some weired kick out of humiliating you, yes it is humiliating, you also cannot see that?

You need to change tactics and say you are not happy with her not wearing her wedding ring, seeking attention of other guys, etc. Tell her if she doe not value you feelings nor the marriage then two can play that game.
Then you do the hard 180 on her. Lose interest in anything she is doing, start going out as many nights a week as you can, with whomever, join the gym, just do not be available to her. Limit your communication with her, keep it formal. Do not let her know what you are doing, where you are going, etc. Build yourself into a man who values himself and takes no ********. Take back your manhood and stop being a doormat.

If it all goes south which it will with this carry on, then at least you will be a man any woman would be proud to wear a ring from.
 
#85 ·
IMO: You are not taking a stand because you know deep down that she is going to continue with her attention-seeking spree no matter what you say. Her psyche is out-of-control. I'm thinking you should be really worried because of the unknown changes with regard to her previous behavior. The previous woman is gone. What if her tests show nothing. Should we be hoping for a small tumor on part of the pituitary system?

Is perhaps she taking some OTC vitamins, minerals, amino acids, etc. that would not show up in a chemistry panel? There are all kinds of concoctions and potions that folks 'use' to enhance their looks--some even absorbed through the skin.

She says openly removing signs of marriage increases her chances of being considered hot or hit on and she rebuffs the man or woman. This is a dangerous game she is playing--she could be hurt. No reason for you to copy-cat her if you choose not to. But you could wear your ring only when she wears hers and similar things.

Addiction to praise is related to lack of comfort with self. However, she doesn't just want praise, she wants extraordinary male/female responses. Sexual turn-on. She actually sounds like, to put it crudely, she is in heat.

What would you do if your daughter was acting like this? What would you think of the woman who came on to you and/or acted like she does? If the cost is great enough, she could quit--with therapy. If she refuses, what you do doesn't matter anyway. Can't imagine your anxiety while you are gone a month. Sorry for your pain--I know it is there.
 
#88 · (Edited)
I’m on tam four years and I honestly cannot remember a weaker man than the op in this thread. His wife is telling him she wants to cheat and he’s giving her the go ahead.
Does he honestly think his wife isn’t banging these guys while he’s away from home for weeks at a time.
Men don’t hang around a woman like her, giving compliments etc without some result at the end of the night. And now we learn that the op is away for a month? FFS.
Hire a PI at the very least and find out what’s really going on.
 
#91 ·
I have a question. Who are these people in the outside world telling this wife so frequently that she's attractive and giving her so much attention? OP said it's not bars she's going to. This is a woman in her 40s I'm guessing.

Where in the outside world and from whom does she get so much attention? I mean, not just going by my experiences, but I'm around people in life and I don't observe this happening like this.

Color me confused about someone receiving such a constant stream of attention and praise.
 
#96 · (Edited)
She has promised me, which I 100% believe because she is basically incapable of lying, that she has zero desire to have a relationship with anyone else.
Good lord. What turnip truck did YOU just fall off of?

Am I wrong to be upset? Am I wrong for agreeing to allow this behavior for her happiness? Am I wrong for wanting her to acknowledge our marriage on Facebook? Are my feelings misplaced? She agrees that her actions are selfish and hurtful, but she doesn’t want to stop because it makes her feel so good and she’s afraid of falling into depression again. Are these normal feelings she’s feeling? Please help!!!
The most important question you didn't ask was, "do I have a spine?"

The answer to that is a resounding "no."

Do you enjoy keeping your head buried in the sand because it's so nice and warm around your ears? You seriously need to take the blinders OFF. Then you need to find your testicles and put them back in place. Lastly, you need to find your damned spine and start commanding the respect you deserve! All this weak-willed whining and teeth gnashing and hand wringing is what women do when they watch soap operas for God's sakes.
 
#97 ·
So, some test results have come in. Not enough to be 100% conclusive yet, but initial results lean towards there being an issue causing inflammation on the brain. More tests are being run to identify if it is what the Dr. suspects. After a steroid shot, she seems to be feeling much better. She has already made a preliminary agreement to start wearing her ring again and has remarked herself as married on Facebook.
I would not say the situation is completely taken care of yet, but things seem to be well in their way. We will still be having a serious talk about acceptable behavior, but I am hopeful that we have found a root cause at this point.
 
#98 ·
Well, it is at least reassuring to learn that there is a medical component to it.
However (and I think you know) do not discount the emotional/psychological component to this.
The changes she made, did she make them of her own volition, or as the result of a demand from you?
Do not let up. Stay on offense.
I hope for your sake you headed something off before it became terminal (physically and marriage wise.)
 
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