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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
If I am vague right now, accept my apology. What I want to apologize for I may not be able to fully go into here but those of you who read my threads and interacted with them yesterday know. My postings were not a manipulative ploy. However, some unfair frustrations were expressed and for that I apologize. I was seriously trying to determine whether I have a place here on the boards even though I'm bipolar II and cheated on my husband and for those and several other reasons caused a marriage to collapse after 20 years. This is something I still mourn although it has been made clear to me that it's over. Thank you for reading and if you can understand these circumstances or would like to interact with me, I welcome your responses. Again, I'm sorry for being so vague. I've had a lot of personal info out there for a little while and this is a new, sometimes uncomfortable experience.
 

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swetecynamome said: I was seriously trying to determine whether I have a place here on the boards even though I'm bipolar II and cheated on my husband and for those and several other reasons caused a marriage to collapse after 20 years. This is something I still mourn although it has been made clear to me that it's over.
I am of the belief that infidelity can be forgiven...if 2 people still love each other....life is not perfect, people make awful mistakes at times... one of our couple friends went through this, I encouraged her to stay with her husband.. it took time and much healing...but it was for the best, they have a strong marriage today....Every situation is different.

There has been many "Deal Breaker" threads posted on this forum over the years.....Infidelity is generally listed as #1....it's black and white and you get thrown into a camp - labeled...

I don't feel this way, it takes 2... if one spouse was cold /aloof, rejecting, blame shifting, months on end.... and the other found themselves in the perfect storm out of weakness/ desperation... I don't know.... then some BiPolar issues, some struggle with Hypersexuality maybe ...we don't all understand. Not all situations are created equal.

It can be difficult here as many are speaking out of their own hurts , very deeply - having been cheated on...

Sorry swetecynamome, I wish you the best.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 · (Edited)
Thank you Simply Amorous. I can understand that people are hurt by cheating spouses. It really is an awful thing to do and experience and live through. If the shoe had been on the other foot, no pain would have been worse. I thought the loneliness in my marriage was bad, the tone that began to be introduced into the marriage at the beginning of our difficulties and my spouse's unwillingness to deal with things after having been asked repeatedly by myself to deal with them, but being cheated on would have been worse. I see that now, as in, the present.

That being said, there is a group of divorced people who will not be reconciled - forgiven, maybe, as in one of the "12 steps" in AA but not reunited - but who nonetheless need a formalized process for working through what has happened. Much has been formalized to rehabilitate a marriage and provided to forum members for understanding the steps. I have yet to encounter a formalized process to rehabilitate a person who is single who can no longer look back but who must move on. It is true cheaters have to own what they did, but ok, what's next? And the reason this is important has been made clear to me already by a poster: To prepare the broken person for the next relationship and that's why consideration for this belongs on a marriage forum.

Putting cheaters in with people who have been cheated on for an indefinite length of time will not rehabilitate people in certain situations to go on and create a healthy relationship with someone else. I have encountered some people who are so scared of coming clean here that they are not completely truthful with their history which I think defeats the purpose of the boards.
 

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I don't know if I interacted with you or not but your heartfelt humbleness and honesty here on this thread is refreshing and I commend you .Your remorse seems genuine.We are all human beings and most of us can understand /relate to that on some level at some point in our lives.

I don't believe "once a cheater always a cheater"..Sure that can happen..But once a cheater can be faithful also and as faithful as a person who never cheated at all in their future.Some lessons have to be learned not imagined.You have the "been there done that bought the t-shirt" don't need to go there again kind of faithfulness.

Whats next? Forgive your self .While remaining humble.A combination of a state of being that is good for everyone to live.

((((HUGS))))))
 

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None of us are perfect. "Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone". Or something like that. Even a confused agnostic knows what's right. :)
LOL!!!

Something like that..and the older ones dropped their stones and left first(as the older you are the more likely you have sinned and more of them too)..gradually there was no one left..but the woman adulteress and Jesus.Jesus of course the only one who had never sinned.He the only one with the "right" to condemn her ..being he was perfect..told her to go ...and sin no more...:)
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
My unfaithfulness began with an on-line communication with a man and lead from there and it happened when I was not connecting with my ex in some crucial ways. This man gave me the attention I thought I needed and of course he knew what he was doing. Ironically, now that my whole life has changed, this man came back to me recently, married still, wanting to revisit at least a dalliance and I see it for the sad, disgusting thing that it is. True, it was clear that somehow I needed to feel something that man's attention had given me during my marriage, it was a betrayal not to tell my ex what was happening at the time so we could nip it in the bud and get help. I was far away from my ex at the time, maybe felt too intrigued by the possible waywardness of it - yes, ****ty, ****ty stuff - and I should have fled at the first sight of a red flag that this would take me somewhere I shouldn't be. When this man approached me recently, I said take your passes to your wife where they should be directed, God has punished me enough. It was weird to have a new view of it from the other side. It felt like the veil of deception had been torn away, though too late. I had been so naive throughout most of my marriage. I was an idiot.
 

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My unfaithfulness began with an on-line communication with a man and lead from there and it happened when I was not connecting with my ex in some crucial ways. This man gave me the attention I thought I needed and of course he knew what he was doing. Ironically, now that my whole life has changed, this man came back to me recently, married still, wanting to revisit at least a dalliance and I see it for the sad, disgusting thing that it is. True, it was clear that somehow I needed to feel something that man's attention had given me during my marriage, it was a betrayal not to tell my ex what was happening at the time so we could nip it in the bud and get help. I was far away from my ex at the time, maybe felt too intrigued by the possible waywardness of it - yes, ****ty, ****ty stuff - and I should have fled at the first sight of a red flag that this would take me somewhere I shouldn't be. When this man approached me recently, I said take your passes to your wife where they should be directed, God has punished me enough. It was weird to have a new view of it from the other side. It felt like the veil of deception had been torn away, though too late. I had been so naive throughout most of my marriage. I was an idiot.
Its not too late..Yeah its too late to do past different..of course as it is for all of us..Its never too late to be a "wiser" this person on this earth at this minute...

Let me ask you ..what are you good at...???
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I'm a published writer. That is my life. As well as caring for my son, who is a young teen.
 

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Putting cheaters in with people who have been cheated on for an indefinite length of time will not rehabilitate people in certain situations to go on and create a healthy relationship with someone else. I have encountered some people who are so scared of coming clean here that they are not completely truthful with their history which I think defeats the purpose of the boards.
I agree with you .... I have an idea for you....

Start your own Private SOCIAL GROUP here..... in your Profile... click on "Social Groups" on the left hand side... then down below>> "Create a New Group"..... and invite those who are struggling with exactly what you are ...It's a needed TOPIC - like you say....

You can be the Leader of this... inviting similar posters .. you can all wade through and brainstorm this together...
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 · (Edited)
Simply Amorous. I know you are a Christian. Are you praying for me per chance? I got the strangest lead on FB of all places where most of my friends there are professed anything-but-Christianity, but almost all of them writers, publishers, editors. It was for an editorship position at a conservative Christian journal. I may go for it.

Prayers are welcome whether anyone is praying or not.

I would divorce me if I were my husband, just so people understand I get it.

And I think starting my own social group is a most excellent, most excellent idea!

Off to pick up my joy, my kiddo. He'll probably be in a mood as he has been recently with his own hormone changes. But I love him, I yes I do. And I'm glad for that, for him.
 

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Simply Amorous. I know you are a Christian. Are you praying for me per chance?
You must not have read enough of my posts yet... I can not call myself a Christian, I have way too many issues with doctrine/ the fundamentals of the Faith....but many of my friends are Christians & well.. other than my "free thinking" beliefs & enjoying some PORN...I do have lots in common with believers...you might say I am a little mixed up... but enjoying life anyway. :D
I should PRAY more often !


I got the strangest lead on FB of all places where most of my friends there are professed anything-but-Christianity, but almost all of them writers, publishers, editors. It was for an editorship position at a conservative Christian journal.
I may go for it
Sounds good :)
 

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You know what? We are all a bunch of screw ups. We have probably not all made the same mistakes but we have all made our share of them. Infact....we do not just make mistakes. We deliberately choose wrong. We all have. So don't let your past define or determine your future. If you do..... it is YOU that has done it. The rest of us (here or elsewhere) are really not doing that to you. (sure some people will but not enough to matter).
I am a Christian. What appeals to me about Christianity is Jesus. He loved sinners, outcasts, prostitutes, adulterers, cheats, etc.. He Loved them. And he gave his all for them. Awesome.
 

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Making amends isn't the same as saying I'm sorry. Anyone can say I'm sorry for actions, words or a lack of. Affairs, are two sided. I cheated on my ex before we were married. I took full responsibility for my actions, yet, my feelings before I acted out on them is another situation. I tried talking to her, I tried to get her to understand what I needed and was trying to express my feelings yet going unheard and unfulfilled. Relationships interestingly enough take 2 people and both need to be working at some level together for it be be functioning. In order to function, of course, as with anything, on any level, it has to interact on some kind of level both involved are receiving some kind of satisfaction. We make bad choices. Some worse than others. I have come to learn, that those affected by affairs while they aren't responsible for the actions we chose to take, do have to take some responsibility for their part of the relationship that lead up the why we made our choices. it's not placing blame or responsibility, we're still wrong. Most of us do this as a cry for help, we hope it shakes the tree and wakes up the other and or escape from our present realities. No one should have to apologize for being human. You paid the price already. You don't have to keep paying the price. I've a deep understanding of the 12 steps. Yes, during the process we have to made amends, not to make yourself feel better, but because you're honoring the truth of your wrongs. Sometimes, as in the 12 steps groups, we have to make indirect amends, because to make direct amends would cause more harm than good. Making amends isn't about making us feel better, it's about them. But not to hurt them. Sometimes, to admit the truth can do more damage then good.. So, we do something indirect to right the wrong as best we can. Best of all we change if possible. Sometimes there isn't anything to change. It's just the results of the relative circumstances that with the right partner, you'd probably have never done. Now.. Start to know thy self. I am bi-polar. We've been given wonderful gifts with this blessing, and embrace our lives. Even if aren't "forgiven", well, that's on them. We have done our part. We forgive others, ourselves... even them for not being what we wanted them to be. Let go, move on and with those tools in that tool box build a new life. One free of guilt, shame and remorse. A wonderful book to check out is a Course in Miracles and a Return to love my Marriam Williamson. Good Luck, stay compliant, dance, dance, dance.. Remember this.. The next time you look at the beautiful sunset, or a beautiful flower thank the wonderful loving creator for making something so beautiful and wonderful and you were able to see it. Then go home, look in the mirror and say the same thing. Thank the creator that something so beautiful, wonderful was created and you were able to see it. Remember you're loved and never alone.. Good luck.. KCGUY
 
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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Thank you Kcguy. I agree with a lot of what you're saying and how encouraging you are to me! That is lovely! Thank you. I will not forget it.

The week before the divorce was final I wrote a letter apologizing to my ex for what I had done and told him that nothing he had done or not done warranted what I did to him. He said he had already forgiven me. The ramifications for me have been dealing with others who are negative and judgmental. But maybe if I'm right with myself, this won't matter as much anymore and some of the judgment I know gets magnified in my mind. In time, others' thoughts will pass but I will always have myself and as soon as I can start getting right there, I know I can start healing properly.

Thank you again for your thoughtful post and your very kind words. They are much appreciated by me at this point in time.
 

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I didn't get to read your whole story but I got the gist of it. I will pray for you if you like. What specifically would you like for me to pray about?
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 · (Edited)
I didn't get to read your whole story but I got the gist of it. I will pray for you if you like. What specifically would you like for me to pray about?
Thank you so much SandC. If you could pray please that I can move on and not be sad and burdened by regret and shame, that I can forgive myself. Not just for the sake of being relieved but so that I can love others more fully too and forgive them when they need to be forgiven and reach out rather than be so self-concerned. I would really appreciate that.

I also have very real concerns as a woman whose husband wanted her to play the traditional wife for 20 years and that means I didn't know how to do very practical things, especially as it involves finances. I'm learning. But things such as taxes this year, for example, are a bit scary and complex. I bought a house for myself and saw that I could be strong and do something difficult that I barely understood. But I am still living on alimony and a health insurance policy that will run out so in practical respects, I'm still walking on the edge. I haven't worked in 20 years. I was a librarian when I met my ex but worked for a system that didn't require a master's. Librarianship has changed drastically, even libraries are dropping off in some cases. I can be single and live on alimony. If I ever want to marry, I need to be trained for something and/or find a job. I'm wanting to be around for my son until he properly launches so I don't want to get too involved with anything. He's had enough changes in his life right now already. In a way, I am luckier than most but I still want to make the right decisions that will give me the best possible future for me and my son.

I am concerned that my child be raised as properly as possible in this broken situation and that his father and I do not miss anything we should be attending to. I feel the need to hold onto the ties of extended family for his sake though they have become troubled and strained and were always this way to a certain extent, but I need my extended family and it would be great if they would soften. My sister, my son's aunt, for example, does not talk to me now. (My sister and I married first cousins who were also best friends. Legal, but complicated. It has put my sister in quite the bind and she has chosen to remove herself from me. Last winter the pain was so crushing I finally understood why people might choose to do recreational drugs especially because her choices remove me from her niece and nephew whom I felt to be my own in helping to raise them, and having them over to our house, etc. And by the way, I don't do drugs, but I've never felt a pain so deep. And of course, my son needs his cousins, aunt, uncle. Sometimes, thank God, they will see him, but I am a different story.) I've kept it a little together with my parents. When I wouldn't let them take over my finances last year, they froze me out for a bit but now they're coming back around and we see each other on occasion. (There are issues of control with them but I've had to put my foot down for my own sake and they've backed off.)

Divorce makes a hash out of one's life. It is awful. And when families are as intertwined as his and mine are it makes it all the more devastating. This is why I begged and cried and pleaded with my ex not to follow through, to spend the money on therapy rather than lawyers who bled us both though we did have a fairly amicable divorce. Even our lawyers said they'd never seen two people more at peace with each other and asked us at first mediation - which by the way was also our final signing off on everything - whether we wanted to reconsider. I tried, yet again, but of course it was probably a joke to him that I asked him yet again but I did it anyway and who knows, crafty lawyers can use the repentant spouse as a means of breaking down the barriers to an agreement. Who knows. I will tell you truthfully though his father divorced four times, so maybe it made it easier when the opportunity presented itself. I felt sure he didn't trust me anymore and he told me he didn't when my initial begging commenced but after that point there was no begging him into remedying anything. At the mediation when I asked him again privately to reconsider he said he thought we'd both be happier apart.

Thank you for asking. I'm sharing my concerns. I don't know what you want to pray for. Both practical issues and emotional issues are on the table for me, so whatever moves. Thanks.

p.s. Having read this back through I see what a mess this is and it may sound confusing and I'm trying to make it as clear as possible. I will just try to fill in my story here on the boards as I have opportunity and/or if anyone wants to ask questions and help me fill in or straighten out my blind spots.

p.p.s. As regards finances: This is reminding me to sign up for a Crown ministry course, though I believe I'm familiar with their concepts. As someone who is now solely in charge of all of this, however, it has taken on a whole new meaning.
 
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