180 me thinks
best of luck by the way S.S
best of luck by the way S.S
Anyone win their Wife back after she left for OM?
I'm still in love even though she is living with OM. She's the love of my life, we have two kids together and I want her back. It's been 4 months since D-Day and I've realized the things I could have done differently to maintain a good relationship. I'm ready to take breadcrumbs if that's what it will require to gain a footing.
So what strategies worked for you?
What are some Do's and Don'ts?
So what strategies worked for you?
What are some Do's and Don'ts?
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Don't stick your hand in the same fire twice.
Look for a thread by HerHusband. He fought like hell to get his wife back. He did it. Then he ultimately left her.
HerHusband's case looks different than mine, but thanks for the lead.
If she left with OM....maybe a dumb question, why do you want her back? are you that desparate?
(I ask this as someone going through a D, and wondering why in the world i would ever take a WS spouse back when so many good people are out there)
(I ask this as someone going through a D, and wondering why in the world i would ever take a WS spouse back when so many good people are out there)
Ignore her. Don't act needy in anyway. Make it look like you could care less, even happy that she has moved on. "hey we only get one shot at life and if this is what makes you happy..go for it" fake it til you make it. do not answer her calls..let them go to VM then text her back. I have 3 kids and this has worked well. Do not be available to her for anything. you cannot let her have her cake and eat it too. communicate only about the kids. this is the hardest part...no begging..pleading...explaining your love..nothing. she knows how you feel and she knows what she is doing is wrong. you have to let her miss you. no back sliding. the earlier you do this the better for your own sanity. let her go, the faster you do the faster you will heal. if she thinks you will just sit and wait for her to do whatever she want and can come back any time you are screwed. see quote above and believe it. she is in a fog that she may never come out of. the above is what you can do to prepare for that and put yourself in the best place to decide..if she ever does come out whether you want to R or not.I'm still in love even though she is living with OM. She's the love of my life, we have two kids together and I want her back. It's been 4 months since D-Day and I've realized the things I could have done differently to maintain a good relationship. I'm ready to take breadcrumbs if that's what it will require to gain a footing.
So what strategies worked for you?
What are some Do's and Don'ts?
Next look up CODA meetings in your area and get to as many as you can. Are you in IC?. You like me are codependent. If we weren't we would even consider not doing any of the above ( it wouldn't feel mean or uncomfortable) and probably would have said good riddance and soon as we learned about the PA. Use their time to take care of yourself. gym, books, out with friends, time with kids, hobbies etc. there is a life without you stbxw..hard to fathom but you need to be ready.
Yeah, maybe I am less codependent, but the more indifferent i see her act, the more i tell myself...let her go, and good riddance.
I know what i have to offer, and she did too at one point--she was envied by all her friends. So if I am not good enough now, someone WILL appreciate me. BYE.
I know what i have to offer, and she did too at one point--she was envied by all her friends. So if I am not good enough now, someone WILL appreciate me. BYE.
Good for you. Wish I was there..trying hard. No reason for any of us to be putting up with this crap. Hard with kids tho. I was hoping to break the cycle.Yeah, maybe I am less codependent, but the more indifferent i see her act, the more i tell myself...let her go, and good riddance.
I know what i have to offer, and she did too at one point--she was envied by all her friends. So if I am not good enough now, someone WILL appreciate me. BYE.
Oh I know, I have kids--3, all 10 and under. Im not saying its easy...but how can i possibly put myself back in that situation? Won't it always be in the back of your mind: "did she come back to me just until she finds something better?" or "When will she start this stuff again?"
I would think she would be thinking, heck, I can do almost ANYTHING to this guy, and he will take me back.
I would think she would be thinking, heck, I can do almost ANYTHING to this guy, and he will take me back.
You can't and yes that is the story she will be telling herself. Plan B will always be there, so Ill just go have fun. What was her childhood like?
Her childhood was fine. Heck, mine was filled with alcohoism, violence, and a divorce...and I am the one who is ok. She just REALLY is not aging well...hit 40 and started to freak out. Got plastic surgery, working out etc. Then flirting on FB and texting guys etc. I was the "controlling" and "jealous" husband who needed to relax and leave her alone..she "wasnt going to cheat". We had that discussion in March....by July she needed space. So must have already been cheating.
I think your question has already been answered by the very nature of his post.If she left with OM....maybe a dumb question, why do you want her back? are you that desparate?
well we don't know whether he left for sure or not, he just stopped postingLook for a thread by HerHusband. He fought like hell to get his wife back. He did it. Then he ultimately left her.
sucks, but she will have her day when she realizes that the grass isn't any greener.Her childhood was fine. Heck, mine was filled with alcohoism, violence, and a divorce...and I am the one who is ok. She just REALLY is not aging well...hit 40 and started to freak out. Got plastic surgery, working out etc. Then flirting on FB and texting guys etc. I was the "controlling" and "jealous" husband who needed to relax and leave her alone..she "wasnt going to cheat". We had that discussion in March....by July she needed space. So must have already been cheating.
I love my wife despite the fact that she cheated and left.
Maybe that makes me codependent, I don't know and I don't seem to care. I think that's just another term which gets thrown around and abused. I'm not desperate, I'm just in love with this one person.
At this point, I don't care that she's in love with another man. I want her to be in love with me because I feel she is my soulmate. We have two kids together and I can't imagine life without her. After all the anger, rage and depression I've faced, I still come out thinking we belong together. I've probably taken too "screw her, be distant" advice on TAM and that's backfired. I want her to see that I'm a man she wants to be with, more than she wants to be with the other guy.
Maybe I'm a codependent or just a romantic. I don't care about GIGS or her suffering later or anything like that. I want to know how to get her back! She's not an f'ed up person but yes she has some flaws. So what? I do too. But she has a good heart and a good family and we belong together. I don't care if people would never take back a cheating spouse, I would. There are no rigid truths in this world.
Maybe that makes me codependent, I don't know and I don't seem to care. I think that's just another term which gets thrown around and abused. I'm not desperate, I'm just in love with this one person.
At this point, I don't care that she's in love with another man. I want her to be in love with me because I feel she is my soulmate. We have two kids together and I can't imagine life without her. After all the anger, rage and depression I've faced, I still come out thinking we belong together. I've probably taken too "screw her, be distant" advice on TAM and that's backfired. I want her to see that I'm a man she wants to be with, more than she wants to be with the other guy.
Maybe I'm a codependent or just a romantic. I don't care about GIGS or her suffering later or anything like that. I want to know how to get her back! She's not an f'ed up person but yes she has some flaws. So what? I do too. But she has a good heart and a good family and we belong together. I don't care if people would never take back a cheating spouse, I would. There are no rigid truths in this world.
Everyone says "don't blame yourself". The problem is that with time and hindsight, and by really listening to what made her unhappy, I do see the things I did or didn't do that could drive her away. I think I wasn't tuned in to her needs as much as I could have been, and now I am suffering the worst fate possible. I love her and I've got to get her back.
What if she doesn't come back?I love her and I've got to get her back.
Do you think you're unable to handle life without her?
If so you're only fooling yourself.
You'll be fine without her once you accept that you need to make a few adjustments.
If she knows how you feel and that you want her back. IMO you have done everything you can do. begging pleading or explaining anymore makes you look weak and unattractive usually compounding the reasons she left in the 1st place. It also sets you up as plan b. again...she gets do do whatever and whoever she wants knowing that you'll be there if it doesn't work out. IMO she has to believe you are done and don't want her back..jedi mind trick.Everyone says "don't blame yourself". The problem is that with time and hindsight, and by really listening to what made her unhappy, I do see the things I did or didn't do that could drive her away. I think I wasn't tuned in to her needs as much as I could have been, and now I am suffering the worst fate possible. I love her and I've got to get her back.
staystrong, i'm with you. if your gut feeling goes against doing the 180, you can't go wrong. either your ex will come back or she won't, but you'll feel like you did your best, tried what felt right to you, and didn't try some "technique" that backfired when it wasn't even what you wanted to do in the first place.
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