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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I'm not gonna get anymore from WS. He failed a poly. Still won't admit and at this point he's trickle truthed me so much even if he did tell me the full truth I'm not so sure I would ever feel I got everything.

He's been out of the house for eleven nights. He still wants to R.

I've been advised to close the door on the past, accept he cheated and try to start fresh with him. Accept I'll never know everything. He has told me he loves me, is sorry and has asked for my forgiveness to which I have replied what am I forgiving?!?

Has anyone done this?!? Just accepted the fact you will never really know everything and try to improve what you currently have? I had like a brick hit me the other sleepless night - I WILL NEVER KNOW. I could beg until the end of the earth.

We're gonna try counseling together again on Monday. I have been going alone. And finally after a year of resisting I broke down and got put on meds. I'm so depressed, I just can't function anymore.

I just feel screwed regardless what I do. I'm gonna be tortured with doubts if we divorce or not. This seems to be my curse for the rest of my life. Hell on earth.

We've both contacted lawyers. It's gonna totally bite for me and the kids. He's come and taken the kids off a couple times and it hurt like crazy. I did not want this life. :(
 

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It's what you "can live with"...

I personally have not been able to try to R because of the unknown, and the known...

If your sanity will allow you to move forward with him, then yes you can R. If your insides eat away at you everyday, wondering what happened, if you can ever trust him, if he will do it again,,, then you probably won't be able to.

Best of luck.. just don't give up your own sanity, for his.
 

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this is where i am as well, although i only realize that now.

WH TTed me for months, and only revealed more when i insisted. i know as a certainty that he has not revealed all yet, and is still therefore lying by omission.

it's a sticking point for me. part of what's at the heart of it is that i could have (amazingly?) eventually forgiven the disloyal actions, but i find that i can't get past the lies, lies, and more lies.

so... i thought i was in R with the truth having been dragged out of him. now i guess it was false R. a house of cards.
 

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I'm sure its been done, but my question would be what kind of foundation is that to try to rebuild a relationship on? If he wants to r there's a price to pay. It isn't his call to decide what's too much for you to take, it is yours. I wouldn't even bother going to mc until he comes clean.
 

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I think my mom tried it. The first time my dad cheated.

Then going through a fake R, or a 50% effort R and that is probably how much truth he gave her.

And she found out again, so NO!

I think the problem with not getting the full truth, is the WS feels like they just have to be more secretive. If they aren't trully remorseful, and don't see how badly they hurt their spouse, and they don't have to do any work to get their spouse back, or even tell the full truth, they feel they can hide what they need to, so they can keep the affair on the back burner until they finish with their R, then bring their affair back but make sure to keep it underground.
 

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I'm in same position as also. Today, because I said I want a poly he has admitted to a drunken kiss with a colleague at a works conference.

He said he has told me now because I said I would divorce if he lied on poly, from anything from kissing another woman. One of the questions would be had he ever kissed another woman.

So now I don't know what to do either. R for the family, who by the way are in complete ignorance about what is going on. I haven't told anyone! I know he loves me, but it isn't enough.

Now he says he will sit the poly as I know everything. I have booked it for Friday, so we'll see if he admits to more before then.

My gut feeling was right, there was more and he's consistently lied to me over this past year telling me I know everything.

This drunken kiss is worse for me, as I know he worked closely with her and up until she recently left the company. I even asked about her as I knew she'd been at conference and he said she was a nice lady, with a family. So he had feelings for her, what's the chances nothing else happened.

I'm devastated, and heartbroken......shocked but not surprised.

I don't know if to R or Throw him out. Every body that knows us thinks we're the happiest married couple they know. Seriously this is pressure that I'm not handling well today.

My thoughts are with you hurting badly and Margrace
 

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It depends on if you can live with.

I personally feel that if you don't get the whys and whats you can never ever feel that they won't do it again.

Some can live with it, but a lot can't.

Reconciling itself is very taxing.

Know in your marriage you will NEVER trust him 100% again. The unconditional trust that you had before is gone and never coming back.

So the question is, can you live with not knowing if he will or won't cheat again and can you live with the emotional and trust based ceiling in the relationship if you R?
 

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Discussion Starter #8
He was doing everything they say to do in R... except for withholding information. I've got GPS, passwords, he helps more in the house, spends more time with the kids, checked on me during the day, brings me flowers, tries to hold my hand, opens doors, things he let slip over the years. If anything on TV comes up, he'll turn the channel. We went to MC for awhile, he went to IC for awhile, took meds, read books on proper boundaries, we tried the Love Dare...

If I'm trying, he's great. If I start questioning he gets extremely angry. He just won't tell me everything. I think I got one story in full now (took a year), but according to the poly there are more stories. :(

He just won't come clean!!! I'm never gonna get it and really at this point I won't know if I have it cause he's lied so much. He failed the poly!!! He's even the one that paid for it. :scratchhead:

This experience has caused him to lose a position at work, he will no longer be traveling or teaching so I don't have to worry about young girls anymore. He let his assistant go, that's another less worry.

He acknowledges how much pain he has caused me and the girls often. So he knows the damage he has caused. Someone told me maybe he's trying to protect you from more hurt or he knows if he tells you more you'll divorce him. We're already at that point anyway. Who will file first?!? We all know those are excuses. Just won't come clean!!!

He's been gone for eleven nights. I saw him yesterday and it already feels weird. He hugged me and I started bawling. I have to see him again today due to one of our kid's game. We'll be sitting alone.

I think we need to discuss our separation. He packed his bags while I was out, then later that day spilled the rest of the beans to the story. This was days before the poly.

I feel like he dropped another bomb and ran away cause he didn't want to deal with another go around of my crying nonstop. Kinda mad about that. We need to know where this separation is going. I think the longer it goes on the harder it will be to get back?
 

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yes, this is helping me understand why i'm stuck here, at his lack of full disclosure:

it's not about punishing him more or humiliating him further. without addressing what he deserves (i don't know the answer to that one), neither of those things gives me any relief. i already know that he finds his actions humiliating.

knowing more facts in and of itself doesn't give me relief either. there's nothing magical in those details.

it's somehow that i need to feel that there's a clean(ish) slate before R can really be authentic.

knowing that secrets continue, that our marriage harbors secrets, that secrets and lies are in its foundation ruins our best efforts.

will i ever EVER know every tiny detail? of course not. but the general timeline, the main characters and events need to be disclosed, or else.... it all just seems fake and pointless.

i wish i was filled with anger and courage as i type that. i'm not. it breaks my heart.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
That's what I keep asking! How do I forgive if I don't know what I'm forgiving! The problem here is he's lied so much I won't know if it is the full truth or just more trickle truth. :(
 

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Our R was contingent upon full disclosure by me. It was extremely difficult to own up to my actions, absolutely humiliating to her myself saying what had happened and what I had done.

However, I brought it on myself and am happy I complied.
 

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Ask him point blank if he feels telling the whole truth is too humiliating, shameful, hurtful or embarrassing. If he says yes, just ask him how the hell he thinks you feel? If he feels that way, tough ****! He should've thought of that before he did what he did. Now to move on, he has to own it. Fully. Or live with the consequences of refusing to come clean and get out. I just don't see how you could possibly trust him. To do so at this point would be almost criminally stupid.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
He failed have you had sexual intercourse with anyone outside your marriage.

He failed have you had sexual contact with "Mary" more than once.

It was inconclusive if he has had sexual contact with anyone I don't know about.

He is still telling me today it was a ONS nine years ago and was only a BJ. That is all he will admit to. This has been the basic storyline since he confessed a year ago, but the place and players have changed as recently as last week. He actually knew the girl, before she was a stranger he never saw again. I know for a fact he saw her five years after the ONS out of town on business.

He took the family out to dinner tonight then dropped us off. We're going to the counselor on Monday and will discuss the time frame in which we will try this trail separation. I don't think it should be open ended, that will lead us nowhere.

I am beyond clueless at this point why he won't come clean. He tells me he was truthful on the poly. Why would he agree to it, show up and pay for it? :scratchhead:
 

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Needs to be full disclosure. If you do R, and years later, when he thinks things are great, you get a little trickle, it will set you off like a brand new D-day. It will be old news to him, supposedly forgiven, but to you will will be fresh and painful.

Then of course maybe he doesn't want to fully disclose because it's with someone you know and he is trying to keep her (possibly him?) in his life.

Anything less than full disclosure is rug sweeping. He may not want to, but that's kind of the point. He needs to do what you want, and pony up for the pain he has caused.
 

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I'm not gonna get anymore from WS. He failed a poly. Still won't admit and at this point he's trickle truthed me so much even if he did tell me the full truth I'm not so sure I would ever feel I got everything.

He's been out of the house for eleven nights. He still wants to R.

I've been advised to close the door on the past, accept he cheated and try to start fresh with him. Accept I'll never know everything. He has told me he loves me, is sorry and has asked for my forgiveness to which I have replied what am I forgiving?!?

Has anyone done this?!? Just accepted the fact you will never really know everything and try to improve what you currently have? I had like a brick hit me the other sleepless night - I WILL NEVER KNOW. I could beg until the end of the earth.

We're gonna try counseling together again on Monday. I have been going alone. And finally after a year of resisting I broke down and got put on meds. I'm so depressed, I just can't function anymore.

I just feel screwed regardless what I do. I'm gonna be tortured with doubts if we divorce or not. This seems to be my curse for the rest of my life. Hell on earth.

We've both contacted lawyers. It's gonna totally bite for me and the kids. He's come and taken the kids off a couple times and it hurt like crazy. I did not want this life. :(
My case is like yours. I have not contacted lawyers etc. I decided not to decide on R or D unless truth comes out. And I dont see it happening. Just worse than miserable.
 

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Been reading some of these posts today after finally came clean today to W.

I have been dragging this out for a year hoping it would stay hidden and we would stay married however all i have done is hurt her everyday

I have been unfaithful 3 times to W. W found out about one of these last year and we went through the pain of trying R although she knew there was always more hidden i denied it and tried to stay secretive.

This has just hurt her more and more, I agreed to a poly this Friday to prove i wasnt lying, buy I was!! so once again backed in a corner i admit what i have done. People who cheat all try this as i've discovered from your posts

I have had 3 ONS, 2 drunken at work conferences where sexual activity took place. other was sober after an offer of BJ at work which i accepted.

None of these people are a patch on my wife I don't know how i could have hurt her so much as she is perfect, loyal, beautiful and is amazing with me / kids who she has done so much for and continues to do so

I haven't been the greatest of husbands and for years did nothing but come in from work and smoke weed, not helping in anything.

The pain in her eyes makes breaks my heart at what i have lost through lying and cheating

I want to find the right words and actions that will hopefully recover some of what we had (have never been any good with words, emotionally stunted as i describe myself)

20 years of marriage I have wasted even though W warned me that our time would come when kids grow up. I didn't wait.

I Love You xx
 
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