[moco82]

Had any of the men here gone into a serious relationship because they were in love despite their partner's lack of sex appeal (after all, it's drilled into our heads that infatuation fades, but love stays)? For how many years have you sustained your relationships?

Most posters here preach that if you're not sexually attracted to your spouse, it's your responsibility to get out of the way so the spouse could find someone who would be attracted to them. Not sure how that squares with reality: after all, a high percentage of fat bald men remain married for decades.

Clarification: You wouldn't have dated your spouse without the falling in love; and definitely wouldn't have dated just for the sex.

Update: PLEASE, only respond if you have experience to contribute.

 

[donny64]

Most posters here preach that if you're not sexually attracted to your spouse, it's your responsibility to get out of the way so the spouse could find someone who would be attracted to them. Not sure how that squares with reality: after all, a high percentage of fat bald men remain married for decades.

Well, I'm not that fat, but I am a bald guy! And the W had never dated one of "us" before. In fact she had said to a friend after she met me that she "wasn't sure if she could date a bald guy". Well, apparently she could, because she married one. And has proceeded to screw his (my) brains out, love me, appreciate me, and want me for the following 6 years.

Along those same lines, while she is pretty and many a guy would love to (and try to) have her, she's far from my desired ideal body type. Yet I find her incredibly attractive. Whereas my ex (with my perfect body type) I couldn't help but look at with disgust after 2 years.

If everything else is there, a physical attraction to a person can rank fairly far down on the list of requirements to carry on a happy, successful marriage. Conversely, if the other important parts are not there, a physical attraction will do NOTHING to keep a marriage going.

 

[roomba]

Well, I'm not that fat, but I am a bald guy! And the W had never dated one of "us" before. In fact she had said to a friend after she met me that she "wasn't sure if she could date a bald guy". Well, apparently she could, because she married one. And has proceeded to screw his (my) brains out, love me, appreciate me, and want me for the following 6 years.

Along those same lines, while she is pretty and many a guy would love to (and try to) have her, she's far from my desired ideal body type. Yet I find her incredibly attractive. Whereas my ex (with my perfect body type) I couldn't help but look at with disgust after 2 years.

If everything else is there, a physical attraction to a person can rank fairly far down on the list of requirements to carry on a happy, successful marriage. Conversely, if the other important parts are not there, a physical attraction will do NOTHING to keep a marriage going.

Well said!

 

[arbitrator]

My STBXW, while very attractive, has quite a personality and we clicked from the very beginning. She has a rather nice body that she did take care of. She was very sexy and she loved coming on to me moreso than I did to her.

Truth be known though, I can honestly say that I married her for the love that I came to find for her. And I'm thinking that the same thing could be largely said for her.

And it pretty much stayed that way until she activated her FB account! 18 months after that was when I learned the disheartening truth that two men from her past, that she eventually EA'd/PA'd, had come to mean so much more to her than I ever did!

 

[moco82]

Thanks for the replies, but I probably didn't phrase the question clearly enough. Donny and Arbitrator, if there were no feelings that transcend the physical, would you have dated your future wives? Say, if you were only out to date or even to just find someone to sleep with? If they pass this test, your situation is slightly different.

 

[dubbizle]

So if I undertand you correctly you are saying if you were not attracted to themphysically and only wanted sex or a fun date do you think you would have stayed with them.

I dated some women that I was not that physically attracted to BUT they came after me which turned me on and the sex was good, I had long term relationships with them and they becaome more attrctive after I got to know them,we broke up for other reasons.

 

[arbitrator]

Thanks for the replies, but I probably didn't phrase the question clearly enough. Donny and Arbitrator, if there were no feelings that transcend the physical, would you have dated your future wives? Say, if you were only out to date or even to just find someone to sleep with? If they pass this test, your situation is slightly different.

My dating process with STBXW was enjoyable. But despite some nagging red flags, I gave in to her advances to escalate the relationship. She was the one who was the most rambunctious to get engaged and then married, despite our broad socio-economic status. She let it be known that that did not bother her by constantly reassuring me about it.

Hindsight being 20/20, I probably would never have allowed myself to have gone on to Date No. 2.

And that greatly makes me extremely skittish about ever entertaining to date a future partner who has any degree of monetary wealth to her.

 

[moco82]

So if I undertand you correctly you are saying if you were not attracted to themphysically and only wanted sex or a fun date do you think you would have stayed with them..

That you weren't attracted physically and did not want sex, just simply fell in love.

 

[gbrad]

Try neither of the above.

 

[missymrs80]

I don't see how you can isolate these variables. I dont see how you can truly love someone and simultaneously find then physically unattractive.

 

[moco82]

I don't see how you can isolate these variables. I dont see how you can truly love someone and simultaneously find then physically unattractive.

Why not? The pink-tainted glasses come off with time (you can't look at a circle and call it a square forever), but the love doesn't have to evaporate just because the rational part of your brain woke up from its coma.

 

[EnjoliWoman]

There has to be SOME initial attraction for the first date to even occur.

I can see how a person can be surprised that they are attracted to someone outside their normal "type" if thy have one, but I don't see how anyone can continue a relationship with someone they are repulsed by physically but love their personality.

Maybe I'm dim and not getting your question.

 

[moco82]

Of course, there is some initial attraction. Coupled with rationalization that the fringe shortcomings are not bad.

 

[jaquen]

Married? No. But when I was a teenager I found myself falling for a girl who I found extremely physically unattractive. I couldn't even imagine kissing her, much less having sex with her. But regardless I was still developing some pretty strong feelings for her.

I didn't end up acting on it because I just couldn't branch the gulf between my feelings and my repulsion. I had a ton of guilt about it at the time, so I can't even imagine marrying in this kind of situation.

 

[nathaniel2518]

it kind of happened to me. i met my wife when i was seeing a few other girls. i was at a point in my life where i wanted to settle and have kids and my wife was the only one at the time who wanted the same. i'd been badly burned by some nicer looking girls and had a few trust issues. i wasn't physically attracted to her as much as the other girls but it was fun and easy. easy was the key. it was never as sexual as other relationships as she had huge body issues - still does. i just wanted to be with her. we still are and she still has body issues. we have 2 wonderful kids. confusing as hell.

 

[moco82]

Nathaniel, getting burned by the pretty girls can have quite the consequences. I completely lacked confidence in my teens and early 20s, so when I worked my way up to pretty girls by my mid-20s and got burned, the voice in my head triumphantly returned and laughed: "See! Get back in line and know your place".

 

[BookOfJob]

OK, I'll bite the bullet and respond.

I read it somewhere in a forum somewhere, that someone suggested that us guys date someone that we're not crazily in love with. Why? Because that way we will be able to act more logical, not needy, thus more alpha, etc, etc. He said he found it more interesting than his previous experience(s) (He was referring to dating someone who's interested so much in him).

The post below is probably taken out of context (it is from another thread), but just shows that 'someone who's the least interested in the relationship controls it more' (a saying probably from the 70's?)

As long as she is convinced you want her more than she wants you, then her friend, laying around doing nothing, and daydreaming about a more exciting life aren't going anywhere.

I'd be interested in reading your thoughts on this...

 

[RandomDude]

I don't know... when I first saw my wife I loved the depth of her eyes, and she's always had a good body with long smooth legs. But she was hardly that "holy hell she's so hot" type of chick that I couldn't keep my hands from. In fact, her features turned me off for a while until I got used to it (a real shocker to anyone who's seen her however)

But her personality, her strength, her intelligence, combined with everything else... I could not resist her. I can be picky with this or that, but the whole package is 10/10 for me. Well 9... used to be 10/10, now she can be a handful -.-

 

[fetishwife]

How can you love an opposite sex partner enough to want to spend your life with them and yet not have any physical attraction for them and want to be intimate?

Isnt that more like a friendship? Why get married to them instead of someone else that you DO find physically attractive? Or is it that you find NO ONE physically attractive and dont want or cant have sex due to a medical or psychiatric issue?

To me your question makes no sense.

Do you have a fetish or need something that they lack to get sexually excited...?

Are you asexual yourself or do you want other people?

Are you homosexual perhaps and that is the reason you dont want your partner who you love?

 

[gbrad]

There has to be SOME initial attraction for the first date to even occur.

I can see how a person can be surprised that they are attracted to someone outside their normal "type" if thy have one, but I don't see how anyone can continue a relationship with someone they are repulsed by physically but love their personality.

Maybe I'm dim and not getting your question.

Repulsed by and not attracted to are two different things. I can say I am not repulsed by my wife, but I am also not attracted to her, never was.
We started out as friends, the relationship just kinda, happened. Not because I was attracted to her physically, the first time we made out, I didn't really want to, but I also hadn't gotten any in a little while, so figured why not.