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So there are two ways to approach this.

The first way is to complain, which you are doing. Endlessly analyze the situation, look for clues, blame yourself, etc. Try to fix it through "acts of service", placating the wife, talking with her, etc.

None of that is going to work, and will only make matters much worse. That is the weak man's approach.

The second way is to take charge of your life and improve your situation. It starts with recognizing your value as a man. And it involves actively embarking on a strategy to fix the situation one way or another. Immediately begin to do the following:

1. Get in the best shape of your life. If you are already thin and athletic, great, now start hitting the gym 5 times a week. Take supplements, run, pump iron.
2. Set aside some money to get yourself an excellent wardrobe of clothes. Go to a designer store and ask one of the guys working there for help. No more wearing backwards baseball caps and old t-shirts: dress like you are actively looking for female companionship and you want to impress.
3. Go to the best hair salon in town.
4. STOP doing things around the house: no more "acts of service", cleaning up her shi*, catering to the kids.
5. Lock your phone and your social media--no wife snooping
6. Start going out at night with friends to events, clubs, bars, games, whatever. No "checking in" with wife, and stay out all night if you want.
7.No sex or affection with the wife--she is a roommate going forward. If she initiates (which she will do after a few weeks) shut her down without explanation.

Now a few things will happen after a few months of this:

a) she is going to complain about you not doing enough around the house. You respond with "I make enough money to support us both: why don't you quit your job and stay home"?
b) she will start initiating sex and affection when she sees you slipping away. This isn't real: she is trying to rope you back in, and if you fall for it, it will be right back to dead bedroom.
c) she will want to talk about it. You refuse until about 6 months in. THEN you sit down for the hardcore discussion.

and that will either lead to divorce or some kind of reconciliation.

Your wife feels she "missed out" by stating with you in her 20s and ultimately marrying. She resents her loss of freedom, and wished she could have slept around with bad boys when she was younger like many of her friends did. She's bored and restless.

so she will either realize what she is going to lose, or keep on with this game. You need to stop being afraid of the consequences and get in front of this
Do NOT do this ^^, very bad idea.

The reason that nicing your way to sex won't work, is because she knows you're not doing those extra things out of love for her, but to get something in return. It takes away any feeling of being grateful.

What you need to do, is organise someone to care for the kids ideally overnight, but if you can't swing that then a few hours. You need to lay it all out on the table for her, how you're feeling, why you're feeling that way and what you need from her. Then, you ask her how she's feeling, why she's feeling that way and what she needs from you. Get it all out there from both sides, the good, the bad and the ugly. Then work together move forward.

I find it strange that you didn't have sex while she was pregnant. Unless it was a very high risk pregnancy, there's no reason for that - I wonder if your wife has some anxiety, and it's now coupled with PPD. That would explain a lot.
 

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we had our first baby and like many couples, intimacy was almost non-esistant and I'm not just referring to sex. Hardly any physical contact, touching, kissing just nothing. I understand this is to be expected especially since this was our first baby and we were new parnts etc. But during the pregnancy we never had sex (which was fine because we discussed that we wouldn't)
That is NOT to be expected.

And this is an important question that may give some insight into this - why did you discuss not having a sex life during pregnancy and what was the rational behind not having sex.

And this is also a very important question - was the second child planned and what were the parameters and conditions surrounding the second child’s conception?

In other words, did her libido and interest in intimacy and sex return and you were having enthusiastic sex - or did she announce that she wanted another child and she charged her ovulation and had intercourse when (and only when) she was ovulating?

Those are important questions that may provide insight into what is taking place.
 

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Wait what? Why not? My dad ran 100 miles a week when I was a kid, he just got up and trained at 2 or 3am because he was a boss.
Sounds like he was one of those people who needed little sleep. Few are like that.
 

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I'm not sure I want to get into another dysfunctional marriage/bedroom situation.

I will say it doesn't seem normal to me at all that pregnancy and children slow sexual intensity and attraction.

I took so much care of Mrs Conan when she was pregnant that she honestly wished she could have gotten pregnant again.

Our intimacy increased and she almost couldn't wait to have sex after she gave birth.

Loving and making love to my woman who gave birth to my children was incredibly strengthening for our intimacy and relationship.

I don't understand why so many seem to think it's normal for intimacy to decline during and after child birth?

My desire was off the scale and so was my woman's.
 

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Pregnancy and childbirth can trigger different reactions in different women. For instance, I was so in tune with my body and raring to go during my first pregnancy. But during the second one, I was so big and uncomfortable that even walking felt like a Herculean task. I’m guessing she might be struggling with some residual PostPartum depression. Sometimes if it is left undiagnosed during the first baby, then it becomes even worse with the second and consequent ones. It often goes unnoticed.

How is her relationship with the kids? I know a lot of women who throw themselves into the “mother” role and cannot continue being in the “wife” role exclusively. It’s almost like it’s difficult for them see themselves as both mother and wife. Hence, a lot of sexuality starts to feel inappropriate to new mothers.

Was she always LD? I know that for women who are or have been HD, it takes a lot of psychological or physical stress to disconnect from the sexual self. I’m HD and very rarely do i feel that I cannot bring myself into a sexual state. It takes something very distressing for me to reach that point. Could she be struggling with something else that she’s not telling you?
 

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Just interested, if 'acts of service' is important to her, can you think of 'acts of service' that she might be demonstrating towards you?

Unfortunately sometimes I think cues can be missed, despite intention. Hence, why I'm asking about this for the moment.

I'm not suggesting this will help to spark sexual chemistry, I am just curious if some aspects of how she interacts with you could be getting unintentionally overlooked?
brilliant question to ask, and for OP to ponder...
 

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I didn't say ignore the whole family, I said ignore the wife

but I also contend that he needs to stop being a martyr. He is the breadwinner in this family and he is fulfilling his duties. The wife wants him also to be a maid and nurse to the kids while giving him nothing in return.

if she doesn't want love, affection and companionship, those things should simply be taken away. And when they are taken away, she will see how things will be going forward and decide if this is what she really wants.

Her prospects of finding another quality man at age 35, divorced, and with two young children are non-existent. She will end up with a jobless, abusive loser at best.
As a woman, I totally agree with this dude.
 

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My advice is if communication channel is open, then talk about it. Have date night and stuff like that. Also counseling has not a bad idea.

but if communication route is not available, and you are “checked out”, be prepare that she would “check out” as well and that basically will end the marriage. Not necessarily in divorce, but there will be no turning back as roommate.

how I know? I did exactly that, because I know our communication was closed and her personality dictated that she has no intention to change. And I was too exhausted for more changes on my side. Any how, my situation is now be “forever roommates”, or until she finds someone and wants a divorce, or if I still care enough to file for a divorce after the kids graduated college and be on their own. LOL

So “if you bluff, you must be prepared to have your bluff called” 🤣
 
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