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Discussion Starter #1
I met my husband 11 years ago and I'm disappointed because I feel he hasn't grown much. Behaviours that were ok (or that I used to) at 25 are now looking very pathetic at 36. Especially for a man with children. Like smoking weed everyday, for instance. Not great to begin with but I didn't think it was going to be a lifelong habit.
Calling me names when he gets angry, sulking, being defensive, answering "because I feel like it" when I ask why he does something I don't like just comes off as really immature now.
He also hangs on to the past for dear life and brings back old arguments, grudges or mistakes when we fight. As old as 8 or 10 years old! Which makes me feel like no matter how much I grow or try to better myself, he just keeps bringing back the old me.
I wish I knew back then that what you see is what you get with people. Don't expect them to change or grow because maybe it won't happen. So if you don't think you can handle certain things FOREVER, don't marry that person.
Anyone else?
 

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You should never marry someone with the expectation that they will someday change. Unfortunately you learned that lesson a little too late, but you're not alone in that club. A lot of people do the same thing.

People can grow but more often than not they need a reason to. You wanting him to change or asking him to change isn't enough. You saying this needs to be worked on or you want a divorce might do the trick, but you have to mean it and intend to follow through.

Have you considered marriage counseling?
 

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There is an old joke that goes something like, "It is ironic that women marry men hoping they will change while men marry women hoping that they don't."

I can confirm that deciding that personality traits and habits of your spouse are deal breakers does happen. My wife gave me a list of reasons why being married to me was intolerable. At least half of them were things that have been a part of who I am for at least a decade before I met her, if not since birth.

You should never marry someone on hope. Marry (or date) them because they are who you want them to be. It isn't fair to either of you if you get in a relationship where you've set yourself up for failure. The resentment is just going to grow until it is too much for at least one of you to handle.
 

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Well so far people are getting hung up on the fact I was hoping things would change. Just to set things straight: I KNOW it was a mistake and unfair to think that way. But like someone said: too little too late. Also, I wanted people to share some of *their* stories. Hence the whole "Anyone else?" part.
 

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Well so far people are getting hung up on the fact I was hoping things would change. Just to set things straight: I KNOW it was a mistake and unfair to think that way. But like someone said: too little too late. Also, I wanted people to share some of *their* stories. Hence the whole "Anyone else?" part.
I can answer it in reverse. When my wife and I were dating and married, I was an ***hole. I still am, but I like to think I'm less of an ***hole. I've asked my wife why she stuck around because most people would not have. Her response was "I saw the man you could be". Did she hope I would change? Probably. Did she take a gamble? Yep. Eventually, I did get my act together but not until I was very abruptly forced. If certain things wouldn't have happened I would have had no reason to change and I'd still be the guy she married. Chances are she would still be putting up with it.

You are not forced to stay with him, you know.
 

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I think its a very normal expectation that your spouse will mature from the time you both are starting out so young. I mean it IS the natural order of things, yes? He sounds like a perpetual frat boy. Maybe suggest the two of you attend some marital counseling... if he refuses and sees nothing wrong with his own behavior, you may very well have a tough choice to make in the near future.
 

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Well so far people are getting hung up on the fact I was hoping things would change. Just to set things straight: I KNOW it was a mistake and unfair to think that way. But like someone said: too little too late. Also, I wanted people to share some of *their* stories. Hence the whole "Anyone else?" part.
Genuinely asking, not being snarky nor attacking

???, Quick question are you asking to reduce the pain you feel in your marriage. or so you can think you don't have it that bad?
 

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I get that, almost everyone here is, has, or still hurting from a spouse. But you may not get the responses you are looking for because it triggers alot of us. Yet l do hope some with share, but you can take this to the bank. Your not the only one.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Thanks @Tilted 1. I have to admit, I expected more understanding/moral support from this forum. It was my first post, might be my last.
 

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Thanks @Tilted 1. I have to admit, I expected more understanding/moral support from this forum. It was my first post, might be my last.
I hope not you can pick almost any thread and you'll read dissatisfied spouse till the cows come home. Stay leave your thoughts on others who are hurting.
 

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Thanks @Tilted 1. I have to admit, I expected more understanding/moral support from this forum. It was my first post, might be my last.
Please give this a bit more time. Different people sign on all day long. Also as you post more, we can learn more about your situation and give better input.
 

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I can answer it in reverse. When my wife and I were dating and married, I was an ***hole. I still am, but I like to think I'm less of an ***hole. I've asked my wife why she stuck around because most people would not have. Her response was "I saw the man you could be". Did she hope I would change? Probably. Did she take a gamble? Yep. Eventually, I did get my act together but not until I was very abruptly forced. If certain things wouldn't have happened I would have had no reason to change and I'd still be the guy she married. Chances are she would still be putting up with it.

You are not forced to stay with him, you know.
What eventually forced you to change?
 

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I met my husband 11 years ago and I'm disappointed because I feel he hasn't grown much. Behaviours that were ok (or that I used to) at 25 are now looking very pathetic at 36. Especially for a man with children. Like smoking weed everyday, for instance. Not great to begin with but I didn't think it was going to be a lifelong habit.

Calling me names when he gets angry, sulking, being defensive, answering "because I feel like it" when I ask why he does something I don't like just comes off as really immature now.

He also hangs on to the past for dear life and brings back old arguments, grudges or mistakes when we fight. As old as 8 or 10 years old! Which makes me feel like no matter how much I grow or try to better myself, he just keeps bringing back the old me.

I wish I knew back then that what you see is what you get with people. Don't expect them to change or grow because maybe it won't happen. So if you don't think you can handle certain things FOREVER, don't marry that person.

Anyone else?
When he gets angry and calls you names, do these outburst turn into angry arguments between the two of you? Or does no just get angry, call you names and walk off?

When a person holds on to things that happened a long time ago there are two possible reasons: 1) the issues were not resolved; or 2) they are used as chips to win arguments to get the upper hand. Which way do you think he's using them? Does he ever seek solutions that would get these issues resolved? Or does he use them to justify his own bad behavior?
 

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... smoking weed everyday ,,, for instance.

Calling me names when he gets angry, sulking, being defensive, answering "because I feel like it" when I ask why he does something I don't like ,,,

He also hangs on to the past for dear life and brings back old arguments, grudges or mistakes when we fight. As old as 8 or 10 years old!

So if you don't think you can handle certain things FOREVER, don't marry that person. Anyone else?
This really resonates with me. I was married to a man very similar to your husband. Notice I said "was." After eight long years of his nonsense, I left. Eventually I divorced him.

Do you feel you can stay with a man who hasn't grown up? BTW, my ex drank every single day. He smoked weed, but not everyday. But, like your husband, he was stuck in the past. No emotional maturity or growth whatsoever. I got tired of listening to a broken record. I got the "because I feel like it," followed by, "If you don't like it, leave."

Eventually I left. Do you think you will stay? Sounds soul-sucking to me. JMO.
 

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Thanks @Tilted 1. I have to admit, I expected more understanding/moral support from this forum. It was my first post, might be my last.
Well, you asked a question with your post, "anyone else"? And you got replies in response to your question. Some yeses and some nos. Don't ask a question if people's opinions and experiences (which could be vastly different than yours) are not going to make you happy.

If you want people to chime in with--- there there, you poor dear, your husband didn't change as he got older, I don't think the way you worded your post is going to get that.
 

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Discussion Starter #20 (Edited by Moderator)
When he gets angry and calls you names, do these outburst turn into angry arguments between the two of you? Or does no just get angry, call you names and walk off?

When a person holds on to things that happened a long time ago there are two possible reasons: 1) the issues were not resolved; or 2) they are used as chips to win arguments to get the upper hand. Which way do you think he's using them? Does he ever seek solutions that would get these issues resolved? Or does he use them to justify his own bad behavior?
@EleGirl I'm sad to say it's number 2. He's a blame addict and has a problem with justification. I don't recall him sitting me down and say "there's a problem and we need to sort this out". If it happened at all, I can probably count it on one hand.

I already know I'm in a bad marriage; we've done therapy, he doesn't use the tools. I made an appointment for personal therapy because I was thinking about leaving the marriage. Then I found out I was pregnant (again). I did the therapy but couldn't focus on me as much as I wanted to. Last month, I talked about a separation. Once he calmed down, we agreed to stay together for the kids (as long as we were able to offer a heathy environment).

The dynamic has shifted already: I have zero expectations from him so I'm not as angry or bitter anymore. I let him leave the house as often and as long as he wants (more peace for me, more freedom for him). His words bear almost no weight to me so I don't suffer from them anymore. And...yeah I'm kinda, getting some power back because I care less. It's sad and good at the same time.

Wow, sorry, that was a loooong answer.
 
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