[Very Sad]

I'm looking for someone who was a similar situation of mine and is now divorced. Anyone out there who was married 20 plus years, with teenagers, who was a stay-at-home mom with minimum part time jobs over the years who was able to leave and somehow make it emotionally and financially? I'd love to hear from someone who either went through it and came out better or someone who went through it and feel like they made a mistake.

 

[Goofball]

I'm in the midst of a separation with a teen and grade school aged child. I chose to go back to college a year ago its tough but doable...

Good luck!

 

[Very Sad]

Don't you just love it when you type a long reply and the site crashes? Grrrrr! I'll try again:
In my situation, we have 2 houses, so we'd sell the one we are in and he'll move into the other. My husband said if we ever split up, he'd continue paying all the bills until my kids are out of high school. I can't trust him though because he controls people with money, so I can't trust that he'll come through, and he'll hold it over my head as a bribe for things. My son, who is in 10th grade, can be seen as a bit of a target. He's a great kid, but strong willed (loves to argue) and is a red head, which people already use in his current school to call him a "ginger", which isn't even true because he isn't your typical red head with frizzy hair, freckles and pale skin. He is a red head who tans, has thick, straight hair, etc. But they don't care. Doesn't bother him much where we live because he's known these kids his whole life and knows they like him and are just teasing. That may not be the case somewhere else. My point being, I don't want to move and have him go downhill, start getting bad grades, doing drugs, being treated like crap etc. I currently have no job because the way I was treated in my last job caused my husband to say "quit"! "Let me worry about the money". Well, he still holds it over my head that he "works his ass off" every day. If we split, I'll be moving over an hour away, so if I get a job, where? I also don't know how to be without my husband. There are some things I'll miss deeply, like he's honest, hardworking, funny (very) and a great father. I've been telling him I need him to at least treat me like he wants me around if he does. I would have thought he would now especially while I'm 6 hours away sitting next to my dad who literally is going to die any minute from cancer. He loves my Dad and I'm a Daddy's girl, but he still is being very cold. I'm not sure I can forgive him this time.

 

[Very Sad]

PS Recently he said if we split, he'd disappear. How secure is that supposed to make me feel.

 

[gonefishin]

Very Sad; read what you posted. First you state you really do not trust your husband because he is controlling. Then you go one to say your going to miss him because he is honest, hardworking, and funny. Sounds like a pretty good guy.
What happened to your marriage? All this time invested with a guy that sounds like a good guy and father.
Before you pull the divorce trigger you need to take a look in the mirror. Were you or are you a good wife? How do you treat your husband?

 

[Willingtotry]

I have been married for 24 years and I been working on my exit plan for years. I have used every excuse known to man as to why I stayed. The kids, my lack of education, the life style change it would cause for the kids and any other excuse I could think of. The bottom line is, I love my husband and wanted my marriage to work until I realized that I DESERVE TO BE LOVED & TREATED WITH RESPECT as a person and it is not going to happen with this controlling man.

If you love your husband, get into couples counseling to save your marriage. Go to counseling alone if he is not willing to go so you can learn to live with the situation or to find the courage to leave. Your kids are a lot stronger than you think.

P.S.
We are in the process of selling the home we share and I will be gone the day the settlement check clears the bank.

Good luck

 

[Very Sad]

I said I don't trust that my husband will do what he says with money. That has NOTHING to do with honesty. That has to do with control and manipulation. I meant I trust that he doesn't cheat. That may be a characteristic that is hard to find. He is a great father, but he comes first. I've stayed for all the things I like about him, but the scales have been so tipped for such a long time: ruined vacations, ruined holidays, birthdays, special occasions, no emotional support when I need it the most, constant criticism, etc. I have looked in the mirror. I have asked him what I could do better or what he wants from me. He just says "Just me my wife like you have been". I've spend our entire marriage trying to do anything and everything for HIM. For example, he moans about having to anything after work or on weekends, so I'll try to do whatever it is and surprise him when he gets home. One time I mowed the lawn because he calls and says, "I'll be home by 7 or 8 and then I guess mow the lawn after I busted my ass all day long". I get several of those comments PER DAY. So, that day, when he got home, he didn't say anything about the lawn, which hurt. When I asked him hours later if he was happy I did it for him he said, "Not really. I could have had it done in like 10 minutes anyway. I was down here a month ago helping with my dad and he texted me a picture of the coat closet with the door open and a coat on the floor that had fallen off the hanger. His message was, "I just don't understand." Meaning - I don't understand why you haven't taken care of this.

 

[*LittleDeer*]

Start studying now or look for a job with security before you leave.

Then let him know you are going to leave and why. Offer him one last chance for marriage Counseling and sustained change.

If he does not deliver move on. Hopefully by then your son will be a little bit older, and he can understand why you are doing it.

 

[gonefishin]

Very Sad, Does your husband know you want out? If he does and he is indifferent to the situation, you must move on.
Just to let you know, I am a guy. I know you asked for a womens perspective.
My wife tries to belittle me, like your husband does to you. Sometimes you have to shove it right back in their face. For example, you should have told your husband to stop wasting your time sending foolish pics of coats on the floor and do something productive like pick up the coat and hang it up. I do not know what your husband does for a living, but it sounds like he is a little insecure and you should call him on it. Control freaks are usually very insecure. Do not be afraid to push back.
Here is a perfect example. My wife once said in front of her parents that she does not worry about me cheating because "who would want me" She said this in a sarcastic tone. I fired back very quick in front of her parents. "Do not push your luck" This is all I had to say and there was dead silence. Later that day, "she said why do you get nasty. I replied. Nasty? Nasty is when you try to belittle your husband in mixed company. Second. I asked her this. Do you really think I have nothing to offer that no other woman would want me? If your answer is yes, then you should divorce me.
My point is this. If you let your spouse get away with this type of crap, they will continue. It will continue until you break and decide you want out.

 

[Goldfinch]

I'm working on leaving after 24 years of marriage. Emotionally, I am getting support from friends and family. Financially I have a part time job, I found a low cost place to rent from a friend, and I am meeting with an attorney next month to talk about the financial situation, including how I can get alimony during our separation. Do you have an attorney?

 

[tacoma]

Don't you just love it when you type a long reply and the site crashes? Grrrrr! I'll try again:
In my situation, we have 2 houses, so we'd sell the one we are in and he'll move into the other.

Why?

It would seem to make more sense to split the homes one for you, one for him.
This is where a lawyers consult is a good thing.

My husband said if we ever split up, he'd continue paying all the bills until my kids are out of high school. I can't trust him though because he controls people with money, so I can't trust that he'll come through, and he'll hold it over my head as a bribe for things.

Don't even go there.
If you split depend upon yourself and no one else.
Again, a lawyers consult could give you a better idea of what you could actually expect from him financially.

I've been telling him I need him to at least treat me like he wants me around if he does. I would have thought he would now especially while I'm 6 hours away sitting next to my dad who literally is going to die any minute from cancer. He loves my Dad and I'm a Daddy's girl, but he still is being very cold. I'm not sure I can forgive him this time.

Is this situation directly caused by your fathers dying?
The way your H has reacted to it maybe?

You need to put this entire separation/divorce idea on hold for a few months.
You can't be making these type of decisions with this kind of emotional turmoil going on in your head right now.

Is there a reason why this can't just wait?




Edit:
Full disclosure, I am a man.

 

[Very Sad]

Very Sad, Does your husband know you want out? If he does and he is indifferent to the situation, you must move on.
I don't think he thinks I'm serious, but yeah he knows. He probably feels secure since I've been close before and not left, plus, he knows I am dependent on him financially.

My wife tries to belittle me, like your husband does to you. Sometimes you have to shove it right back in their face.
I actually do. I say, "If you walked by and saw it needed to be done, why didn't you do it"?

I do not know what your husband does for a living, but it sounds like he is a little insecure
I think he has terrible self esteem. He goes so far in the other direction it is obvious. He's an electrician and had his own business for 20 years - hence the stress.

Here is a perfect example. My wife once said in front of her parents that she does not worry about me cheating because "who would want me"
THAT is terrible. He's never gone that far, but he does complain to his mother about me and then she gets on me telling me how to do everything better (not in a nice way). He also makes "My wife sucks at....whatever (cooking, parenting, cleaning)" jokes. Joking is his way of being safe and criticizing me at the same time.

 

[Very Sad]

Why?

It would seem to make more sense to split the homes one for you, one for him.
This is where a lawyers consult is a good thing.

I've thought about the one house for each solution, but I'd have to sell anyway because the mortgage is $2700 on one and $2800 on the other. WAY too much.



Don't even go there.
If you split depend upon yourself and no one else.
Again, a lawyers consult could give you a better idea of what you could actually expect from him financially.

I haven't gone that far yet, but considering it. It would be at least nice to know my options.



Is this situation directly caused by your fathers dying?
The way your H has reacted to it maybe?

Yeah, he's had a lot of death in his life. When he was 12 he lost two brothers and a grandpa. I think he learned to put up a wall. But 2 years ago, his father died. He broke down and cried and I held him. For weeks I sent him nice emails, texts, etc. to let him know that even when he was at work I was feeling for him. He loves my dad, so he could be self-protecting, but I need him to be there for me and put himself aside for once.

You need to put this entire separation/divorce idea on hold for a few months.
You can't be making these type of decisions with this kind of emotional turmoil going on in your head right now.
Yeah, I think it would push me over the edge right now.
Is there a reason why this can't just wait?
No, except he's really mean to do this at this time, and I don't know if I can go home and pretend it's all okay. If I don't, the tension would be terrible.




Edit:
Full disclosure, I am a man.

 

[Very Sad]

Start studying now or look for a job with security before you leave.

Then let him know you are going to leave and why. Offer him one last chance for marriage Counseling and sustained change.

If he does not deliver move on. Hopefully by then your son will be a little bit older, and he can understand why you are doing it.

I have been thinking a lot since I've been here, and I pretty much came up with a plan much like that. I figure I'll see how he acts at the funeral (probably sit next to one of my kids instead of me which would piss me off, go home and tell him how I feel and that if he wants to keep me around, he better start showing it because I'm serious, Then I'm going to look into what I want to do for a job. I had decided to start a pet care business (I have extensive experience in all kinds of pets) and had done 99% of what I needed to do to start, but when it came to paying for insurance, my husband said "I really don't want you starting this business if it's gonna cost us money. And it's too much liability" Well that's what insurance is for! Anyway, I was pissed. I put a lot of work and hours into it and had to forget it. Maybe I'll start that up again. I am an artist and have been painting pet portraits for people, but unfortunately, as much interest as I get, few people actually follow through, so it's just occasional pocket money. I don't charge very much because of the economy. People complain about my price when it is about 90% lower than most artists charge. But I would LOVE it if that took off. I could paint 24/7 and not get sick of it.

 

[Very Sad]

I have been thinking a lot since I've been here, and I pretty much came up with a plan much like that. I figure I'll see how he acts at the funeral (probably sit next to one of my kids instead of me which would piss me off, go home and tell him how I feel and that if he wants to keep me around, he better start showing it because I'm serious, Then I'm going to look into what I want to do for a job. I had decided to start a pet care business (I have extensive experience in all kinds of pets) and had done 99% of what I needed to do to start, but when it came to paying for insurance, my husband said "I really don't want you starting this business if it's gonna cost us money. And it's too much liability" Well that's what insurance is for! Anyway, I was pissed. I put a lot of work and hours into it and had to forget it. Maybe I'll start that up again. I am an artist and have been painting pet portraits for people, but unfortunately, as much interest as I get, few people actually follow through, so it's just occasional pocket money. I don't charge very much because of the economy. People complain about my price when it is about 90% lower than most artists charge. But I would LOVE it if that took off. I could paint 24/7 and not get sick of it.

Oh, I forgot to finish, lol. I am going to start doing a lot more with my friends so he sees I'm not focused on him. He'll probably start to worry I'll find someone else. He knows I won't cheat, but he'll probably fear that if other men show interest, I'll see I could do better. I'm not sure it would be productive though because he may just get more depressed and shut down more. He claims everything is due to the stress from the business. I suggested we sell everything, business, trucks, both houses and a lot of belongings and move somewhere cheaper where we could almost pay outright for a house and then he and I could work some low stress jobs and maybe start a business together that we love. He won't have anything to do with that idea. I know it is scary, so i don't blame him. But since he sees I'm so serious that I'm willing to take that risk to stay with him, why doesn't he appreciate that and be nicer?