Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
53 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
As some of you may know, I am a cheater. I've been cheating for 9 months. I recently started marriage counseling, but I'm still cheating. I'm not sure if I want my marriage to work. I wouldnt leave my husband for this man, I just want to be alone. (Just like I've been for 12 years.) I want to tell him, but dont want to hurt him. I know sounds crazy, but true. I love him, but not in love with him. I have not been in love for years. We've had discussions about all of the issues in our relationship for years without any results. I guess I'm tired of everything.

I really just want a divorce but don't know how to bring myself to tell him without hurting him deeply. I know that he loves me, but sometimes that is not enough. I need someone I can talk to.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Don't throw me under the bus, yet......:confused:
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,621 Posts
Sweetp101

I won’t throw you under the bus but I can tell you that as long as you are involved with someone else your marriage has zero chances of recovering. You must end the affair and have no further contact with him. Only then will you begin to see your husband in a truer light. If you still care for him and don’t want to hurt him it shows that there is still something alive in your marriage for you. Continue counseling and try to help him see what you are needing in the relationship. Whether to tell him or not is completely up to you but you must end the relationship with the other man. You have broken a core trust in the marriage and the longer it goes on the harder it will be for you to recover your feelings and the more difficult it will be for him to forgive you if he ever finds out. Good luck and bless the two of you.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,278 Posts
My suggestion would be to end the affair. It is only clouding your thinking right now. Marriage counseling is only throwing your husband a bone and giving him false hope that you are willing to work on your marriage, but with the affair still going on you really can't be when your heart is somewhere else.

Even if you want to divorce and are pretty set in your mind with that, I think out of respect for your marriage, you should make that decision without someone waiting in the wings. You say you want to be alone, but do you really? Or do you want to live alone and have this other man in your life?

If you were not having an affair, do you think your husband is at the point now where marriage counseling might help him understand the void you have been feeling and learn to become close to you in the way you need? I know it's hard to even want that at this point if you have felt neglected over the years, but if you do still care about him perhaps you could fall back in love if the counseling brings you closer together?

I guess my thought is that all relationships require work, so whether you put it into your marriage or decide to divorce, any relationship going forward will require work...maybe in different areas for different people but I don't think you can compare being in a marriage with all of the financial commitments, kids, keeping up a household with seeing someone on the side where none of that exists and it's just fun and exciting.

Whatever you decide in the end, go in with your eyes wide open embracing the decision that if you stay, your feelings won't change over night but may over time and if you leave, imagine really being alone, without a man in your life at all. I felt very alone and unsupported in my first marriage and after we divorced, I felt even more alone because once my kids were tucked in bed, I literally was all alone. I don't regret getting divorced and the time alone did give me a lot of time to think so in hindsight it was good for me although I wouldn't say it felt good at the time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Sweetp, are you my wife? Just kidding. I have been maried to my wife for 12 years and just found out she was having an emotional affair for the past few months. Some of what you said are the same things my wife said, about not being in love but loving me and also about being alone.

From the betrayed husband stand point I want the truth. I would rather my wife and I divorce than for her to lie and continue cheating behind my back and I told her that. You husband deserves to be with someone who cares for him and wants to be with him. It may really hurt but in the long run he will be a better man for it or at least that is what I tell myself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
270 Posts
Sounds to me like you're seriously confused. In your first paragraph you say you're not sure if you want your marriage to work and in your second paragraph you say you really want a divorce. :scratchhead:

The whole cheating bit only clouds your vision and zaps the energy you could be using to improve your marriage. I think more of the issue is whether you have the spine to step up to the plate and delve into the issues of your marriage, or if you only want to keep everything superficial and continue cheating for the cheap thrill and lack of confrontation. The cheating is the easy way out. No one needs to know, no one gets hurt, you don't have to put any energy into it, other than covering it up. To tell your husband you want a divorce makes you look like the bad guy, it opens up pain and anguish that would have been avoided had you just kept your mouth shut.

If you're so worried about hurting your husband, you do love him then. And if you're sure he'll be so hurt, then he loves you as well. And that is the spark that can reignite the marriage, but only if you put your energy into that and not into the other man.

12 years is a time frame when things start to get a little dull in the relationship and you'll start thinking about all the bad aspects of your life rather than the good. The grass ain't always greener on the other side like everyone seems to think it is. I read the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman and it helped us out immensely. We've been together for 13 years, but 12 was around the time I started questioning things and asserting that I've had enough of the bad. Things are much better now. He didn't even read the book, I only summarized what the languages are and which ones fit each of us.

I think basically what I got from the post is that you need to quit waivering back and forth b/c that's obviously bothering you. Pick a side and run with it. So do you take the easy way out or do you take the noble way??
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
53 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I understand what you all are saying. It is the affair that is keeping me at home. If it was not for the other man, I probably would be long gone.

If I leave I don't want him to think I left him for someone else. I just need a peace of mind. Before the affair I asked for a divorce. He would not do it. I asked for a separation. It lasted for a week. When he was gone, the kids and I were relaxed. When he is home, the tension is the house is terrible. We don't have any fun when hes there. Its as if he drains us. I just want me and the kids to be happy. With him I dont see that happening.

If he were to leave, swedish you are correct, it would be hard. I would have to adapt to my spending habits. But should finances keep me in an unhappy marriage? I'm at a lost. Damned if I do, damned if I dont.

Card1006 are you sure you are not my husband. I've also been married for 12 years also.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
As a women who has also been married for 12 years and just leaving an affair to try and work on myself in order to give my marriage a chance, I would ask myself - why am I cheating? I don't know the answer for myself, but I know I too am unhappy in my marriage. But I think it may be more about being unhappy with me. If this is the case, the cheating just compounds the unhappiness and whatever relief or escape is found in such relationships is temporary and weakens one's capacity to truly love...not just their spouse but anyone...because they can't love themselves. At least that's how I've felt for the last couple years I've cheated. Advice...start respecting yourself and stop the affair(s), take care of yourself and your kids. Once you do that, maybe you'll be able to find clarity in your marriage and/or strength to leave once and for all.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
53 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
The problem may be myself. I have not loved my husband for years. I have been depressed for many many years. There was a time when I would not leave the house other than to go to work. He was content with that because he always knew where I was at. He likes to keep tabs on me on. If Im out with the kids, I don't receive a call. Let me leave home without the kids, I get a phone call every ten minutes or so. Even though he could go where ever he liked without the kids. (The kids hardly went with him anywhere.)

I have never been able to be myself with him. Its not that he is controlling, I just hate the look on his face if everything is not his way. So I would give in and do nothing. My kids even see the difference when hes there. We could be joking around having fun. As soon as he comes in the room, everything goes dead. (Silence, tension).


Well I'm at the point where I dont care. I just want to be with my kids on my own.

But unfortunately, he does not want to separate. A divorce...........:confused:
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,621 Posts
Sweetp101

Your marriage is broken at a lot of levels. You and I had an exchange on another thread about committing to the marriage in order to give it time to heal. As I stated there the length of the commitment is dependent on the individuals and the circumstances. You will have to determine that for yourself. A part of your last post here confuses me and I don’t mean to throw you under the bus here but…. You state that if you are out alone he calls you every ten minutes. That indicates that you feel he doesn’t trust you but you admit you have been having an affair for 9 months. :scratchhead: It is likely he already has an inkling about the affair. I sense much confusion in you and that is understandable. I still think the first step for you is to end the affair as it will not help your situation whether you stay in the marriage or not. Your depression is not helping either so I hope you have sought help with that. There appear to be a lot of things that need tending in your family. With time and help things can get better. Prune the problems one at a time and see if you begin to see some light in your future. Best of luck to you all.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
53 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Amp,
The calling every ten minutes was before the affair. Me being depressed started with him. He just drains everything and everybody. I really do think its over but I don't know how to tell him. It is not about wanting to be with someone else, it is about wanting a peace of mind.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,621 Posts
Understood on the phone calls. Well I’ve put my two cents in as far as some advice so I won’t reiterate on that. Just that every situation is different and how long someone stays in a bad marriage is up to them. I wish there was way for you to recover your marriage, you know that’s the happy ending I wish for all who come to this forum. Best of luck to you in this Sweetp101. Bless.
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top