Joined
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6,871 Posts
Cause really I think I am one, I know I am.
You all see the internet forum version of me, when I'm on here I have my head on pretty straight - it is just like how it is in my own mind. I know what I like and don't like, want and don't want... but it doesn't translate into reality at all.
I have not a single friend I have to want to call, talk to or do anything with. There are two guys who I will do things with once in awhile - one I've known for over a decade and he's been a great friend helping with divorce but I don't really enjoy his company all that much, we have many different interests and complete different personalities, however he is divorced and has his daughter half time so we can still sort of relate to each other. But with him if he could be doing any one thing it would be salsa dancing and if it were me I'd be hiking through the wilderness.
My other buddy is single, never married no kids, works for the same company - he is great to hang out with on a weekend to drink beer with, he loves snowboarding and I'd be going to the mountains with him a lot more if I could. But he has also tolerated a lot of sob stories about my divorce and I really don't want to wear out that friendship so I don't call him too often - plus he has a busy social life.
So again it's me and my son, stuck in the house with nothing to do. I could come up with ideas but my son has already picked up so much of the resistant behaviors and attitudes I seem to have, not wanting to change things up. He still has tons of enthusiasm, which I suppose he gets from his mom, but it is reserved only for things he wants, and nothing that we could do together.
I have always been like this, and I've realized for some time just how stifling I was for my ex. I was never "selfish" but after reading so many complaints about relationships on here and in general I realize there were so many considerations I never gave her - it wasn't stuff that I did for myself that I chose not to do for her - I was always, constantly considerate of my actions and making sure to do for her more than I did for myself, there was just nothing I did for myself. The things that would have made her feel loved were things that were so difficult for me to acknowledge or act on, because I just am a man of no action. It is genetic or learned, I have it just like my father. Unless there is somewhere I'm "supposed" to be you will find me on the couch, or sleeping in, or browsing news sites on the internet. Him and I have self-diagnosed with ADD, I don't have a clue if that is accurate, it's just we never sink our teeth into anything.
As for my ex, I almost feel relief for her that she got out and is pursuing her dreams and seeming to have some success. But it hits me with the truth that I really was a cause of so much anguish for her.
For me, only time anyone has ever taken an interest in me, or shown me any positive attention, is when I have had my nice guy costume on. Both my serious relationships only happened because the women who "loved" me had somehow deluded themselves into believing I was someone I'm not. It honestly makes me feel completely undesirable, worthless, boring and like sh1t. For the past year I've been mindful of my niceguy traits, not putting up with things or people I don't really have an interest in, trying not to project insincere attitudes, but when I'm successful at it it is completely isolating and I am in fact invisible underneath. I try to avoid CWI now, because I see other guys seemingly finding themselves after their R or D... finding strength, becoming more "alpha" or whatever, but for myself I don't even find myself on that spectrum. It's not that I'm hideous or people avoid me, they just don't even acknowledge me and I'm not in any kind of place to demand to be acknowledge. I'm the perfectly average guy, and to be this average I think is a truly rare thing that nobody else can even really see, they think its just a stat that nobody actually falls into, being average is almost worse than being nothing. I'd rather be next to nothing because then I'd atleast have a place to shout out from. Living amongst others isn't a bell curve, it's a sine wave and I'm right at the null point in the center. and as much as everything else goes up and down I'm stuck in the exact same spot, all the fcking time.
I can't get off of this spot, and it seems that nothing anyone (none of you or anyone else) says or does will either, and it is starting to hit me that this is the spot I'm supposed to be. And I'd rather die honestly, yes I'm depressed as hell, but not cause anything is bad, just because it feels like I don't even exist, and the only success have been my failures, because even though it's not what I would like in my mind, and it hurt people, it got me out of that null spot on my sine wave so it atleast counted for something. Hurting people is not something I really want to do, but I feel like I will have to put on my nice guy costume again so I can get off this spot and count for something.
This is pretty abstract stuff I think, and I don't think I've met anyone on TAM that has a clue what I'm talking about because you've all seem to been in different positions your whole life. SO any lurkers out there who share this spot and have found any tactics to take any kind of enjoyment from life? I could use your unique insight.
You all see the internet forum version of me, when I'm on here I have my head on pretty straight - it is just like how it is in my own mind. I know what I like and don't like, want and don't want... but it doesn't translate into reality at all.
I have not a single friend I have to want to call, talk to or do anything with. There are two guys who I will do things with once in awhile - one I've known for over a decade and he's been a great friend helping with divorce but I don't really enjoy his company all that much, we have many different interests and complete different personalities, however he is divorced and has his daughter half time so we can still sort of relate to each other. But with him if he could be doing any one thing it would be salsa dancing and if it were me I'd be hiking through the wilderness.
My other buddy is single, never married no kids, works for the same company - he is great to hang out with on a weekend to drink beer with, he loves snowboarding and I'd be going to the mountains with him a lot more if I could. But he has also tolerated a lot of sob stories about my divorce and I really don't want to wear out that friendship so I don't call him too often - plus he has a busy social life.
So again it's me and my son, stuck in the house with nothing to do. I could come up with ideas but my son has already picked up so much of the resistant behaviors and attitudes I seem to have, not wanting to change things up. He still has tons of enthusiasm, which I suppose he gets from his mom, but it is reserved only for things he wants, and nothing that we could do together.
I have always been like this, and I've realized for some time just how stifling I was for my ex. I was never "selfish" but after reading so many complaints about relationships on here and in general I realize there were so many considerations I never gave her - it wasn't stuff that I did for myself that I chose not to do for her - I was always, constantly considerate of my actions and making sure to do for her more than I did for myself, there was just nothing I did for myself. The things that would have made her feel loved were things that were so difficult for me to acknowledge or act on, because I just am a man of no action. It is genetic or learned, I have it just like my father. Unless there is somewhere I'm "supposed" to be you will find me on the couch, or sleeping in, or browsing news sites on the internet. Him and I have self-diagnosed with ADD, I don't have a clue if that is accurate, it's just we never sink our teeth into anything.
As for my ex, I almost feel relief for her that she got out and is pursuing her dreams and seeming to have some success. But it hits me with the truth that I really was a cause of so much anguish for her.
For me, only time anyone has ever taken an interest in me, or shown me any positive attention, is when I have had my nice guy costume on. Both my serious relationships only happened because the women who "loved" me had somehow deluded themselves into believing I was someone I'm not. It honestly makes me feel completely undesirable, worthless, boring and like sh1t. For the past year I've been mindful of my niceguy traits, not putting up with things or people I don't really have an interest in, trying not to project insincere attitudes, but when I'm successful at it it is completely isolating and I am in fact invisible underneath. I try to avoid CWI now, because I see other guys seemingly finding themselves after their R or D... finding strength, becoming more "alpha" or whatever, but for myself I don't even find myself on that spectrum. It's not that I'm hideous or people avoid me, they just don't even acknowledge me and I'm not in any kind of place to demand to be acknowledge. I'm the perfectly average guy, and to be this average I think is a truly rare thing that nobody else can even really see, they think its just a stat that nobody actually falls into, being average is almost worse than being nothing. I'd rather be next to nothing because then I'd atleast have a place to shout out from. Living amongst others isn't a bell curve, it's a sine wave and I'm right at the null point in the center. and as much as everything else goes up and down I'm stuck in the exact same spot, all the fcking time.
I can't get off of this spot, and it seems that nothing anyone (none of you or anyone else) says or does will either, and it is starting to hit me that this is the spot I'm supposed to be. And I'd rather die honestly, yes I'm depressed as hell, but not cause anything is bad, just because it feels like I don't even exist, and the only success have been my failures, because even though it's not what I would like in my mind, and it hurt people, it got me out of that null spot on my sine wave so it atleast counted for something. Hurting people is not something I really want to do, but I feel like I will have to put on my nice guy costume again so I can get off this spot and count for something.
This is pretty abstract stuff I think, and I don't think I've met anyone on TAM that has a clue what I'm talking about because you've all seem to been in different positions your whole life. SO any lurkers out there who share this spot and have found any tactics to take any kind of enjoyment from life? I could use your unique insight.