[Lon]

Cause really I think I am one, I know I am.

You all see the internet forum version of me, when I'm on here I have my head on pretty straight - it is just like how it is in my own mind. I know what I like and don't like, want and don't want... but it doesn't translate into reality at all.

I have not a single friend I have to want to call, talk to or do anything with. There are two guys who I will do things with once in awhile - one I've known for over a decade and he's been a great friend helping with divorce but I don't really enjoy his company all that much, we have many different interests and complete different personalities, however he is divorced and has his daughter half time so we can still sort of relate to each other. But with him if he could be doing any one thing it would be salsa dancing and if it were me I'd be hiking through the wilderness.

My other buddy is single, never married no kids, works for the same company - he is great to hang out with on a weekend to drink beer with, he loves snowboarding and I'd be going to the mountains with him a lot more if I could. But he has also tolerated a lot of sob stories about my divorce and I really don't want to wear out that friendship so I don't call him too often - plus he has a busy social life.

So again it's me and my son, stuck in the house with nothing to do. I could come up with ideas but my son has already picked up so much of the resistant behaviors and attitudes I seem to have, not wanting to change things up. He still has tons of enthusiasm, which I suppose he gets from his mom, but it is reserved only for things he wants, and nothing that we could do together.

I have always been like this, and I've realized for some time just how stifling I was for my ex. I was never "selfish" but after reading so many complaints about relationships on here and in general I realize there were so many considerations I never gave her - it wasn't stuff that I did for myself that I chose not to do for her - I was always, constantly considerate of my actions and making sure to do for her more than I did for myself, there was just nothing I did for myself. The things that would have made her feel loved were things that were so difficult for me to acknowledge or act on, because I just am a man of no action. It is genetic or learned, I have it just like my father. Unless there is somewhere I'm "supposed" to be you will find me on the couch, or sleeping in, or browsing news sites on the internet. Him and I have self-diagnosed with ADD, I don't have a clue if that is accurate, it's just we never sink our teeth into anything.

As for my ex, I almost feel relief for her that she got out and is pursuing her dreams and seeming to have some success. But it hits me with the truth that I really was a cause of so much anguish for her.

For me, only time anyone has ever taken an interest in me, or shown me any positive attention, is when I have had my nice guy costume on. Both my serious relationships only happened because the women who "loved" me had somehow deluded themselves into believing I was someone I'm not. It honestly makes me feel completely undesirable, worthless, boring and like sh1t. For the past year I've been mindful of my niceguy traits, not putting up with things or people I don't really have an interest in, trying not to project insincere attitudes, but when I'm successful at it it is completely isolating and I am in fact invisible underneath. I try to avoid CWI now, because I see other guys seemingly finding themselves after their R or D... finding strength, becoming more "alpha" or whatever, but for myself I don't even find myself on that spectrum. It's not that I'm hideous or people avoid me, they just don't even acknowledge me and I'm not in any kind of place to demand to be acknowledge. I'm the perfectly average guy, and to be this average I think is a truly rare thing that nobody else can even really see, they think its just a stat that nobody actually falls into, being average is almost worse than being nothing. I'd rather be next to nothing because then I'd atleast have a place to shout out from. Living amongst others isn't a bell curve, it's a sine wave and I'm right at the null point in the center. and as much as everything else goes up and down I'm stuck in the exact same spot, all the fcking time.

I can't get off of this spot, and it seems that nothing anyone (none of you or anyone else) says or does will either, and it is starting to hit me that this is the spot I'm supposed to be. And I'd rather die honestly, yes I'm depressed as hell, but not cause anything is bad, just because it feels like I don't even exist, and the only success have been my failures, because even though it's not what I would like in my mind, and it hurt people, it got me out of that null spot on my sine wave so it atleast counted for something. Hurting people is not something I really want to do, but I feel like I will have to put on my nice guy costume again so I can get off this spot and count for something.

This is pretty abstract stuff I think, and I don't think I've met anyone on TAM that has a clue what I'm talking about because you've all seem to been in different positions your whole life. SO any lurkers out there who share this spot and have found any tactics to take any kind of enjoyment from life? I could use your unique insight.

 

[Deejo]

Congratulations on taking a very long, hard look at yourself.

So now here is the important piece ...

Can you embrace and accept who you are, or not?

 

[Lon]

I don't know, I feel like when I embrace and accept who I am, I feel more depressed and more worthless. So when I have enough of that I go back to my fantasy world to indulge in a little bit of worth and hope.

 

[Deejo]

And to be clear, although it is easy to suspect otherwise, yes I do know what you are talking about.

I know very, very, well about the fog of inaction.

And I have mentioned several times, I was diagnosed with ADD at age 34. Was evaluated at the request of my then, fiance.

Barely graduated high school, never finished more than 2 consecutive semesters at college.

My lowest point was when I was 22. Had withdrawn from school, because I had stopped going to class for weeks. Felt overwhelmed. Didn't think I could catch up. Didn't know where to start.

I spent that summer and fall, in bed. Sometimes I wasn't awake for more than 4 hours a day. Hated myself and my inertia. And the only way to escape it was to go back to sleep.

Wanted someone ... quite specifically, a woman ... to save me.
Believed if I could find someone to focus on, and thereby want to please them ... I could fix myself.

I was in a very bad place for a very long time.

I'm not that guy any more. Not remotely. But I remember him.

That was a very heart-felt post you made.

Felt it deserved something more than "I know what you're talking about." or "Take care of yourself."

Go to your doc. Make the appointment and find out whether or not you have the disorder ... because if you do, there are medications you can take, and strategies you can follow to get out of your rut, and make an informed decision if you are good with where you are at, or if you want to make changes.

I am alone 80% of the time, and now I see it as a choice. I go to movies alone, I go out to dinner alone, I'll go to a bar alone. I work out solo at the gym. And sometimes, I sit around on the couch all day and surf the internet.

And you know what? I'm good.

 

[Caribbean Man]

Lon,
Seriously man, I think you are being extremely hard on yourself. I understand that circumstances did quite a number on you . Sometimes in life " circumstances may seem to conspire against us ", but when your back is against the wall there is only one thing you must do.
That is to reach deep within and fight to move forward.
I don't think you deserve that omega label.
Definitely not.

 

[pidge70]

To thine own self be true.

 

[Caribbean Man]

Lon, I hope you get out of your own way some day....

You over think, which is the main thing keeping you where you are. If you could see the "you" we see, it's 100% different than what you just described. You are choosing to define yourself by your present- but we see you as your potential. Only YOU can choose to reach for it and grasp it though.

:iagree::iagree::iagree: x1000% with the highlighted part.

Stop with that "omega thing."
Sorry you're feeling like that.

 

[bobby5]

Im not Omega man but i behaved like you for a while. It was aweful. One positive thing about my seperation was while i had less time with my children it was quality time, No prob if your son doesnt want to do your stuff. Do his stuff. You can "make yourself" like it and then find you do like it because its actually not about what you do but the beauty of an active relationship with your son. It might bne work for a while but you will both find great happiness in it. It changed everything for me.
Id like your opinion on my story.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...counseling-end-all-hope-me-help-new-post.html

 

[Lon]

Deejo, I think you do relate to how I am, a lot of similarities, but I don't know if its the same. I've taken a couple ADHD quizzes, and my overall results tend to be "possible mild ADHD" but I'm all over the place on the answers - I don't ever feel too irritable, never lash out at people, but I daydream like crazy and definitely procrastinate on the dull things. I haven't always been like this though, there have been some episodes in my life where I felt in tune and I tended to function better. Part of it is the internal, and I think part of it is the external circumstances. Yes I should probably get a proper diagnosis.

In university, I found myself on academic probation - I know exactly what you mean in falling behind classes, usually at some point midway into a semester I'd be late for a class (often it ultimately stemmed from finances and external factors) and once I was late I was too afraid to walk into class so I'd miss, then once I realized I was late for a midterm, well that class was a fail. For whatever reason I refused to take on student loans - I took a short counselling course about financial planning from the university's admin department and all that stuck with me was that loans were the last resort option... so instead I worked my butt off trying to pay rent (way off campus) gas (to drive to campus) and pay for parking (because I didn't win the parking lottery for the privilege of paying $80/mo for student parking) - campus was on top of a fcking mountain and they only had enough stalls for about 1/3 of off campus students. So I worked 30 hours a week washing cars, I tended to forget about school. I don't know how much of it was just the hardship vs how much was myself using work as an excuse to slack off school.

But then after I dropped out of university, I went to tech college and also worked nearly full time and got in the 90's for grades. 2nd or third highest marks in class, but I found it way easier (maybe just more interesting?)

But if it's ADD, no wonder I overthink it all... or maybe I just overthink because I've barely been able to take care of the bottom rung on the hierarchy of needs, and for most of my life haven't had anyone else to.

 

[Lon]

And HB and CM, I'm not dismissing your comments, but it is not "present" circumstances I'm trying to deal with, it's trying to accept the "who I am" versus the "what I've always thought I could be" because those two things are different enough to cause me nearly an entire lifetime of longing and suffering.

This, right here at the top of this thread, is the who I am, there are three distinct episodes in my life that I remember functioning the way I like - 1) about a two year period when I was 4 turning 5, I distinctly remember being able to work things out for myself, so much of the learning in life came from that period when I felt like I had control and success, it began getting shut off around 6 years old when I realized I didn't understand much of what was happening around me and we moved around and I found my world being redefined by the people around me, I felt like I never completely adapted.

Again in gr.9 I realized I was musically gifted, or atleast found an interest and an outlet with band class and choir, and that successful period of my life lasted until high school ended before once again unravelling.

Then in tech school I once again found success and a drive to function at a high level... it lasted until around the time my son was born, and I've been missing that ability to function at a healthy level ever since.

 

[stritle]

if you truly feel that's the category you belong to, then own it and don't let it own you.
capitalize on your good qualities as there are plenty.

re-read some of the posts you have given here if you need a reminder of the diverse person you are.

 

[oldgeezer]

Lon... At times in my life I have been a lot like you. In grade school I would have been called ADD today. Back then, it was just "a smart kid that was bored with school". And I was.

I am not on ANYONE's social list. The last time a friend called up and said "Hey, come over for ..... " was probably never. At least it has been long enough that I can't recall it ever happening.

I don't enjoy the social status thing. I see it, I ignore it. It means nothing to me. If someone thinks their social status is better than mine, I have no interest in them, for anything. I just tune them out.

However, apparently unlike you, I found great interest in "stuff". I have deep interests in many things, none of which I really expressed or focused on when I was younger.

I'd say there's great hope for you, though. You're obviously aware of your own self. But you're not liking it, from what you say.

So I'd suggest learning some habits that cause these things to change. You say you're musically gifted, but I don't see you saying you focus on improving your music. Or even that you do anything with it.

This may seem trivial, but self awareness is by far the hardest part of the battle. Getting to that point is beyond many people. So, now you can see what you don't like and you can try to focus on adapting or learning new ways to do something about it.

You can get lots of help, too. Lots of willing people right here...

 

[Deejo]

Deejo, I think you do relate to how I am, a lot of similarities, but I don't know if its the same. I've taken a couple ADHD quizzes, and my overall results tend to be "possible mild ADHD" but I'm all over the place on the answers - I don't ever feel too irritable, never lash out at people, but I daydream like crazy and definitely procrastinate on the dull things. I haven't always been like this though, there have been some episodes in my life where I felt in tune and I tended to function better. Part of it is the internal, and I think part of it is the external circumstances. Yes I should probably get a proper diagnosis.

Most folks aren't aware that there are ADHD classifications.

What I have is referred to as Type II, Inattentive Type ADHD.
Never had the hyper part. Never a behavioral issue. As you described, I would quietly retreat inward if I wasn't engaged or felt overwhelmed.

Get evaluated. Rule it in or out.

 

[heartsbeating]

And HB and CM, I'm not dismissing your comments, but it is not "present" circumstances I'm trying to deal with, it's trying to accept the "who I am" versus the "what I've always thought I could be" because those two things are different enough to cause me nearly an entire lifetime of longing and suffering.

This, right here at the top of this thread, is the who I am, there are three distinct episodes in my life that I remember functioning the way I like - 1) about a two year period when I was 4 turning 5, I distinctly remember being able to work things out for myself, so much of the learning in life came from that period when I felt like I had control and success, it began getting shut off around 6 years old when I realized I didn't understand much of what was happening around me and we moved around and I found my world being redefined by the people around me, I felt like I never completely adapted.

Again in gr.9 I realized I was musically gifted, or atleast found an interest and an outlet with band class and choir, and that successful period of my life lasted until high school ended before once again unravelling.

Then in tech school I once again found success and a drive to function at a high level... it lasted until around the time my son was born, and I've been missing that ability to function at a healthy level ever since.

What are the common factors with these experiences as to why/how you felt different during those times that you classify as "successful"?

 

[Lon]

What are the common factors with these experiences as to why/how you felt different during those times that you classify as "successful"?

Those were all times I felt I had the freedom to seize opportunities.

At those times 1) I was not burdened in my mind to some other obligation and 2) the opportunities presented themselves.

 

[Amyd]

I don't know, I feel like when I embrace and accept who I am, I feel more depressed and more worthless. So when I have enough of that I go back to my fantasy world to indulge in a little bit of worth and hope.

You might be one of my kind.

 

[Lon]

You might be one of my kind.

It's horrible, like when you notice the date on the calendar and wonder where the heck November went, except you are asking where the heck did my life go.

 

[Amyd]

It's horrible, like when you notice the date on the calendar and wonder where the heck November went, except you are asking where the heck did my life go.

That's when it's time to take a peek at Ajahn Brahm's talk on Depression.

Depression - YouTube

 

[YinPrincess]

Lon, your post really struck a cord with me... I know this feeling and it resonates in every moment of silence I get. I have family to distract me most of the time... But everytime I am alone, or up late at night and can't sleep, etc... This feeling of existential emptiness hits me like a ton of bricks. Sometimes I'm around other people I genuinely like - but at the same time I can't stand them and want my space... To do absolutely nothing.

I was recently told that I might have ADHD... Not really sure if I do, but I know I have Sensory Processing Dysfunction. Understanding what is and is not "me" has been helpful for me to try and gain some objectivity.

I don't know why people think that "thinking too much" is a bad thing. Sometimes I enjoy just letting my thoughts carry me away. I like to contemplate and reside in extended periods of pensiveness. It can be incredibly depressing, but also very insightful...

A diagnosis or ruling out can help tremendously. I would go with that and keep exploring - and accepting yourself as you are. You aren't supposed to be anyone but you in this life.
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[YinPrincess]

Oops... I didn't pay attention and realize this was for the guys... Hehee... Whoops!
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