Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 8 of 8 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hey everyone i'm new to the forum and was looking for a little help/input from you all.

My wife and i will have been married for 3 yrs on Sept 30th. We just started couples counseling last week but the counselor split us up and we are seeing diff. people for the time being.

here is the back story...

from the beginning we have had some issues with cheating. she cheated on me while we were in a long distance relationship. i tried to understand why she did what she did based on her passed and being depressed and not feeling wanted and such and i tried to let it go. time went on and it happened several more times. i let it go. i never yelled at her i just told her this stuff has got to stop. yelling or getting physical are far from who i am.

things started to get worse and i started to become controlling, wanting to know where she was and who she was with and what they were doing. i had lost all trust. I started getting more angry and taking everything out on her to the point she started to hate me. she didnt want to be near me. so she left. she moved to maryland and stayed with a friend. i would pay to have her come visit but most of the time it ended in just fighting. we were just bad for each other. we stopped talking altogether and she moved on to some other guy. it killed me i didn't know what to do i struggled to fix everything i didn't feel like i was at fault. to make things worse she came up one last time to get all her belongings and i again we fault this time it got physical. she told me that i never ever tried to fix the marriage and that it was a waste of time and she wanted a divorce.(i had gone to counseling for myself for a year, and took multiple anger management classes on her request.) i flipped out. i lost it. i was trying so hard to get her back and i would have done anything and now she wants a divorce. i ended up dragging her down the stairs and out the door and told her to leave. i couldn't take it anymore, i had a melt down. we didnt talk for about a month, month and a half. i ended up moving to maryland (work reasons) which eliminated the distance. now we are going to counseling and everything is looking up.

im lost i dont know what to do. its been so long since we have been together. I miss her to death. i want to get better and move on but im really impatient. anyone have any good reads or any good advice for me.

Sorry if my story is hard to follow. i can add info if need be.

Thank you all for reading.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
218 Posts
I think you just need to let the counseling play out for a while. You can't rush this. You two have a very toxic relationship and it sounds like you have been on different pages from day one.

After all of the cheating, why on Earth did you marry her? What did you expect was going to happen?

In all honesty, based on your short post, it sounds like the best thing for both of you would be to split up permanently and for you both to find partners who make you truly happy with whom you are compatible with.

If you're not ready to make that step, then keep going forward with the counseling. My guess is that the counselor will reach a similar conclusion, but it might cost you several thousand dollars more.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
yes she has some issues but who doesn't. If i filtered out every woman that has some sort of issue i wouldn't find anyone. No one is 100% perfect. although it hurt for her to do the things she did she is going to counseling for that. She was raped when she was younger. She never sought help. her way of dealing with this was having sex. I had talked to my counselor about it when it was happening. I have stuck by my wife through everything she has gone through. Yes there are things we need to work out, but again what couple doesn't. She has come to me and has offered a sincere apology since everything has been starting to go better. She told me she knows it was wrong and that she never meant to hurt me. Before i give up i'd like to finish counseling. i'm getting anger counseling and my wife is getting counseled on her experiences and how she deals with them.

i guess all im asking for is what am i to expect throughout counseling. what should i do to regain her trust. i want what we used to have when we here dating back, when everything was good between us. No cheating, no fights, just a healthy relationship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,733 Posts
Confused,

Your wife is a serial cheater and manipulator.

After she cheated on you MULTIPLE times, you asked for TRANSPARENCY (you wanted to know where she was and who she was with), you weren't controlling. She broke your trust multiple times and in order for her to regain your trust, you were asking her to keep you in the know about her whereabouts.

Often times, a cheater refers to this as controlling.

Always remember that while you sahre a % of the balme for the issues in the marriage, you share NONE of the responsibility for her cheating on you. NONE!

I too can't help but wonder why you'd want to reconcile with this woman. She's cheated on you, lied to you, disrespected you and has exposed you to STDs (get tested by the way)

Whatever you do, do not get her pregnant until you know which way this marriage will go

Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
doesnt the fact that she was sexually assaulted growing up have anything to do with the fact that she is in a way addicted to sex. I love her for who she is and i wouldnt have it any other way. from what i was told by my counselor women who have been sexually assaulted at a young age are more apt to seek out sex or something like that?!? i think the fact that she was depressed and wanted to feel wanted played a big role. I wasnt there for the first part of our rela. It was a long distance rela. and thats why i stuck around. i was trying to understand her issues and try to help her not make things worse by leaving her like every other A hole who would tell her they want to be with her when all they wanted was a quick lay. the cheating only happened when i didnt treat her right or would scare her. she would run away from the problem.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,733 Posts
I am not a counselor but I also believe that there are women who have been the victims of sex crimes who don't do these kind of things.

Your wife has issues for whatever the reasons. She needs to fix herself before the two of you would even have ashot at fixing the marriage

While I am definitely a pro marriage type, I don't know if I could put up with this level of infidelity and spending the rest of my life looking over my shoulder or wondering if everytime we made love I'd have to worry about whether or not my wife just gave me a death sentence
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,538 Posts
doesnt the fact that she was sexually assaulted growing up have anything to do with the fact that she is in a way addicted to sex. I love her for who she is and i wouldnt have it any other way. from what i was told by my counselor women who have been sexually assaulted at a young age are more apt to seek out sex or something like that?!? i think the fact that she was depressed and wanted to feel wanted played a big role. I wasnt there for the first part of our rela. It was a long distance rela. and thats why i stuck around. i was trying to understand her issues and try to help her not make things worse by leaving her like every other A hole who would tell her they want to be with her when all they wanted was a quick lay. the cheating only happened when i didnt treat her right or would scare her. she would run away from the problem.
You aren't her therapist, you're her husband. It's not your job to fix her. She didn't turn to you for her issues, she went and found another man. Being depressed isn't an excuse for wreckless, hurtful and thoughtless behavior and you shouldn't excuse it. That's called codependency.

I was sexually abused as a child and I have sense enough to know that cheating on my spouse isn't the answer to my problems with him. IMO she doesn't get a pass either. She has a brain and the resources to seek help.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
218 Posts
You ask for honest advice and receive it and then you want to sweep it under the rug just like your marital problems.

You need to be honest with yourself about this situation. Stop making excuses for her INEXCUSABLE behavior. Based on your last post, you think a long distance relationship is reason enough to ignore and allow cheating. You're wrong. There is no reason to ignore and allow cheating. If you really believe that, then you have some insecurity issues yourself.

I wish you the best, but it's going to be an uphill struggle. Good luck.
 
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top