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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello- Im going to apologize upfront about my grammar and explaining myself. Neither I am good at but here it goes.

Its obvious to me after 12 years of being together with my husband that he is not going to fix himself. My therapist has been trying to tell me this for a couple years now. Im 52 and I am definitely in a marriage roommate situation. I know know one is perfect but if a person is emotionally abusive as my husband is, a narcissist and refuses to be intimate and does not go get help after hearing so many times it can’t continue to go on then I think it’s beyond help.
When he is at work (We own our own business an hour from where we live) then he is tolerable and happy. When he is home which is not much at all he is cranky and I walk on egg shells. My issue is Im not mentally strong enough to say thats it and move on. We also are raising our two year old Grandnephew. (From my side of the family.) And Im not worried about raising him alone, I did it with my oldest two 20+ years ago.
I guess what Im wondering is if anyone knows of books, groups that can help me get in the right frame of mind to be strong enough to do what I know in my heart is the right thing to do?
 

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I can only speak for myself, but I started attending a 12-step program almost 25 years ago (Al-Anon) because I was up to my ass in alcoholics. I worked a program that gave me the tools to detach from the insanity and make decisions in my own best interests.

So let me ask you this: What are the benefits of staying? What are the benefits of leaving? What motivated me to leave were several things. First, I wanted PEACE in my life at any cost. Second, I wanted to be able to own what was mine to own and to hell with anyone trying to blame me for their problems.

I don't know what you mean about not being "mentally strong." I assure you, when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you will leave. Think of it this way: You are emotionally battered and weak from living with an abuser. Consider how much better and stronger you will feel if you get away from your situation.
 

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@LisDiane - Thank you so much for those links. I just finished reading one, and the information is most helpful.
 
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I can only speak for myself, but I started attending a 12-step program almost 25 years ago (Al-Anon) because I was up to my ass in alcoholics. I worked a program that gave me the tools to detach from the insanity and make decisions in my own best interests.

So let me ask you this: What are the benefits of staying? What are the benefits of leaving? What motivated me to leave were several things. First, I wanted PEACE in my life at any cost. Second, I wanted to be able to own what was mine to own and to hell with anyone trying to blame me for their problems.

I don't know what you mean about not being "mentally strong." I assure you, when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you will leave. Think of it this way: You are emotionally battered and weak from living with an abuser. Consider how much better and stronger you will feel if you get away from your situation.
Thank you for replying. By mentally strong I guess I mean there is so much head games I don’t know what is right and what is wrong. I only know that when he was having one of his explosive fits I took the baby and drove two hours with the baby to stay in a hotel on the ocean and it was the happiest peaceful times Ive had in a long time.
one thing that has kept me staying with him is my grandkids are very close to him and Im afraid if I leave him he will abandon them and I don’t know if I can go through watching kids go through that pain again like my kids dad did to them. Also I know I will struggle with affording childcare. I do know however that it would feel amazing not having the judgement and tension in this house any longer.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Check out this website...

See if there is anything there that you find helpful for healing and strength. I love her blog articles, and she has a free program and a paid program (I haven't done either, I've just read the blog here and there), and a fantastic community, so maybe that's where you can get started!
Thank you! Im going to check that out right now!
 

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there is so much head games I don’t know what is right and what is wrong.
I hear ya. That's where Al-Anon was invaluable for me. I learned to own what was mine to own; namely, my instincts and feelings, and to keep my side of the street clean. By that, I mean I quit listening to the garbage I'd been fed by the alcoholic in my life. I started listening to ME. What did I want? What would keep me on an even keel?

Regarding the grandkids - How old are they? Why couldn't they see him if you left? Is there anything that would alter their relationship if you weren't in the picture?

What you are doing is trying to maintain everyone else's equilibrium at the expense of your own peace of mind. I guarantee you, if you leave this toxic man, you will be surprised at the strength you have buried under all those doubts.

I am living proof that anyone can leave a bad relationship and have a fulfilling life. That is the message I have for anyone who comes here doubting themselves and their ability to leave. I did it. You can, too.
 

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Thank you for replying. By mentally strong I guess I mean there is so much head games I don’t know what is right and what is wrong. I only know that when he was having one of his explosive fits I took the baby and drove two hours with the baby to stay in a hotel on the ocean and it was the happiest peaceful times Ive had in a long time.
one thing that has kept me staying with him is my grandkids are very close to him and Im afraid if I leave him he will abandon them and I don’t know if I can go through watching kids go through that pain again like my kids dad did to them. Also I know I will struggle with affording childcare. I do know however that it would feel amazing not having the judgement and tension in this house any longer.
Allow me to let you in on a little secret...

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!!!!!!

ANYTHING is possible - the only limit is what you are willing to do for what you want. THAT'S IT.

YOU have total and complete control over everything to do with YOU - your choices, your attitude, your actions.

And if he wants to maintain a relationship with the grandkids, that's on HIM...it's NOT your responsibility at all. If they have to go through "that pain" again, you can help support them just fine so they can process it. You cannot prevent pain and disappointment for kids (or adults), you can only support and love them through it, so they learn it's not the end of the world if they don't get what they want, and it's not their fault either. That's the WRONG reason to stay with such a toxic man!!

If you want to, you can do it! Think of the peace at that ocean...!!!!!!
 

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You need to practice detachment...Adult children of alcoholics (if it applies) or CODA are two twelve step groups that could help...
If you are still seeing a therapist, have him/her work with you on a plan to leave...as you begin to take baby steps towards your goals, you will begin to feel stronger everyday...
From your post, I gather you are more focused on what you will LOSE if you leave...Try instead to focus on what you will Gain instead, namely Peace of mind and Freedom!
I can totally remember the "locked in a cage" doom and gloom of my past abusive relationship, but the truth is that you hold the key! It's so much better on the other side...this I promise you...baby steps!

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I hear ya. That's where Al-Anon was invaluable for me. I learned to own what was mine to own; namely, my instincts and feelings, and to keep my side of the street clean. By that, I mean I quit listening to the garbage I'd been fed by the alcoholic in my life. I started listening to ME. What did I want? What would keep me on an even keel?

Regarding the grandkids - How old are they? Why couldn't they see him if you left? Is there anything that would alter their relationship if you weren't in the picture?

What you are doing is trying to maintain everyone else's equilibrium at the expense of your own peace of mind. I guarantee you, if you leave this toxic man, you will be surprised at the strength you have buried under all those doubts.

I am living proof that anyone can leave a bad relationship and have a fulfilling life. That is the message I have for anyone who comes here doubting themselves and their ability to leave. I did it. You can, too.
The Grandkids are 10, 2 six year olds and1 year old. They are my kids children. He hasn’t seen his own Daughter in 12 years. Ive never met her so Im sure he won’t stay in Grandkids lives but you are right, Im always worried about everyone else and not my own sense of self. Sounds like they need a al-anon for self doubters like me!
 

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By mentally strong I guess I mean there is so much head games I don’t know what is right and what is wrong.
Here’s another resource to help arm yourself with awareness of the types of dysfunctional behaviors that you may be up against.

outofthefog.website is informative, including their list of unhealthy traits here: Top 100 Traits & Behaviors — Out of the FOG

You can click on the name of each trait to get more detailed info (that the names are clickable is not all that clear).
 
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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Allow me to let you in on a little secret...

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!!!!!!

ANYTHING is possible - the only limit is what you are willing to do for what you want. THAT'S IT.

YOU have total and complete control over everything to do with YOU - your choices, your attitude, your actions.

And if he wants to maintain a relationship with the grandkids, that's on HIM...it's NOT your responsibility at all. If they have to go through "that pain" again, you can help support them just fine so they can process it. You cannot prevent pain and disappointment for kids (or adults), you can only support and love them through it, so they learn it's not the end of the world if they don't get what they want, and it's not their fault either. That's the WRONG reason to stay with such a toxic man!!

If you want to, you can do it! Think of the peace at that ocean...!!!!!!
You are right. I know It is wrong to stay for that reason.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Here’s another resource to help arm yourself with awareness of the types of dysfunctional behaviors that you may be up against.

outofthefog.website is informative, including their list of unhealthy traits here: Top 100 Traits & Behaviors — Out of the FOG

You can click on the name of each trait to get more detailed info (that the names are clickable is not all that clear).
Thank you!!
 
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