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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Any Good Books on Communication that you can recommend? My wife is incapable of communicating. Her mother, father and grandmother were the same way. Many things have built up over the years that have gone unresolved and it has built up resentment. She was also an only child and somewhat spoiled. Add to that, she's also bullheaded and doesn't like to be wrong. I spent many years apologizing for what I do wrong but don't feel she meets me halfway. I rarely apologize anymore. I'm just fed up and very bitter. Things have gone on this way far too long. We need counseling but can't afford it. I was wondering if any of you have books that you can recommend that particularly deal with those that can't communicate well.

Thanks in advance!
 

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Also look into courses on communication at the community college / center or where ever.

I highly recommend a course in assertiveness training.
 

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You are dealing with a passive Aggressive spouse...also called STONEWALLING.. see below...

The Boomerang Relationship: Passivity, Irresponsibility and Resulting Partner Anger - article by Dr. Lynne Namka

Article starts out like this "One of the hardest patterns of behavior for all of us to deal with is passive aggressive behavior. Passive aggressive behavior happens when the person avoids responsibility and attempts to control others to keep them away through his passivity and withdrawal. It is a dynamic born of fear of being controlled, fear of confrontation, hidden anger and an inability to deal straight with people."...

Healthy Communication is explained in this article.. what it looks like.. about taking ownership of our own issues ..

PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE

This is a very good marriage book...

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: ....this author speaks on various ways we communicate / conflict styles...he speaks of the 4 Horsemen.....



* Criticism- the act of passing judgment as to the merits of another / faultfinding. "Criticism is “really a way of fueling the attack, so you state your complaint as an attack on the other person.” ... “It’s not constructive, it winds up leading to an escalation of the conflict" ......No Criticism Please!

* Contempt... When we communicate in this state, we are truly meaning - treating others with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling.:rolleyes: The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.....The Danger of Contempt

* Defensiveness- conveys the message, “The problem is not me. It’s you.” From this position you imply that, because your partner threw the first stone, they are responsible for the entire conflict. You avoid taking responsibility for your own behavior by pointing to something they did prior to their complaint about you. You do not acknowledge that which is true in what they are saying about your behavior.

Defensiveness: The Poison Pill to Relationships

* Stonewalling -
also known as "the Silent treatment". .. stonewalling is the absolute refusal to consider your partner’s perspective. If you listen at all, you do it dismissively or contemptuously.This is the passive-aggressive stance many people take during a fight. It's the "Nothing's wrong, I'm fine!" said even when there is clearly something wrong.

Other common songs of the stonewaller are:“Just leave me alone…”...“Do whatever you want"....“End of conversation"..."that's enough"....

Stonewalling: How to recognize and fix ......... How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship - Stonewall
 

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7 Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen Covey
 
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For communication in a marriage?

"His Needs, Her Needs"
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
NextTimeAround, SimplyAmorous, JLD and EleGirl, thanks so much for your input! I'm at my wits end and just need to take care of this once and for all. I'll look into the books/suggestions. If anyone else has any good books on the subject or that has really helped you with communicating better in your relationship, feel free to list them here.

Thanks again!
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Well, I read up on passive-aggressive behavior just now on the net and it seems to describe me more than it does her. :(

"Specific signs of passive-aggressive behavior include:

  • Resentment and opposition to the demands of others
  • Procrastination and intentional mistakes in response to others' demands
  • Cynical, sullen or hostile attitude
  • Frequent complaints about feeling underappreciated or cheated
"

That describes me to a tee. The thing is, I feel that way because of her. What gives?
 

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You are giving her your power instead of only giving what you can without feeling resentful. You are making her responsible for your feelings instead of taking responsibility for them yourself.

There is undoubtedly a lack of open, honest, heartfelt sharing.
 

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Well, I read up on passive-aggressive behavior just now on the net and it seems to describe me more than it does her. :(

"Specific signs of passive-aggressive behavior include:

  • Resentment and opposition to the demands of others
  • Procrastination and intentional mistakes in response to others' demands
  • Cynical, sullen or hostile attitude
  • Frequent complaints about feeling underappreciated or cheated
"

That describes me to a tee. The thing is, I feel that way because of her. What gives?
I am thinking you are probably BOTH Passive aggressive ...and resentment has built up over the years.. you both have allowed APATHY, rug sweeping to enter in.....and it has taken it's toll..

Beings this has become your dynamic...you need a complete rehaul to unearth this in both of you....but you are unsure how to get started.. She likely feels the same way, detached, hurt, bitter... and could list those.. if she is honest with herself..

The problem is.. so many can't be HONEST (Self aware) with themselves....so one needs to open up this conversation... showing some humility/ vulnerability saying "Look this is where I have MISSED IT WITH YOU.. can we talk about this.. I want us to be better!" (Many need a Marriage counselor to get them started down that path).....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...transforming-our-marriages-relationships.html

Resentment test here >>

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html

Elegirl said: For communication in a marriage?

"His Needs, Her Needs"
One of the Best !.. do you think you could get her to read it with you.. (Questionnaire below, to print out / fill out)

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage ~ these are the Core Emotional Needs addressed in that book....

1. Admiration
2. Affection
3. Conversation
4. Domestic support
5. Family commitment
6. Financial support
7. Honesty and openness
8. Physical attractiveness
9. Recreational companionship
10. Sexual fulfillment
Emotional Needs Questionnaire
 

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You are giving her your power instead of only giving what you can without feeling resentful. You are making her responsible for your feelings instead of taking responsibility for them yourself.

There is undoubtedly a lack of open, honest, heartfelt sharing.
Could you restate that into something more comprehensible?
 

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