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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I've probably read through maybe about 100 - 150 threads in the past few days and have noticed what seems to work, what seems to be hit or miss, and what seems to not work at all.

So my question is are there any BS here who when they discovered their SO was having an EA/PA who ended the relationship/cut off contact/filed for divorce from the start or shortly thereafter?

The reason I ask is from what I've been reading, dealing with an affair (And I'm probably looking at this more from a man's POV but I suppose it goes both ways) seems to have a lot to do with being the one who has the control or is percieved to be in control.

It seems like the ones who immediately show their SO that their affair has serious consequences are more likely to get their SO to end the affair and are more willing to get the WS to make sacrifices for the relationship. Much more so than the ones who plead, walk on egg shells, ask/beg the SO to end the affair, etc. Not to mention the ones who make threats but never follow through on them, which just tells the WS there are no consequences for what they do regardless of what the BS says.

Nothing seems to wake a WS up like a roundhouse kick to the head from reality. Which usually means limited/no contact, FILING for divorce (it's not like you actually have to go through with it just show your WS how seriously their actions have damaged their marriage), or exposure to family and friends. That seems to wake WS out of the fog moreso than anything else I've been reading.

Rookie4's story I thought was interesting because it seemed like he did everything right that seems to work from start to finish. Some of the BS on here however I felt very frustrated for because they either didn't seem to realize how much control they were giving the WS through their actions. Even the ones who would almost start heading in the right directions by going through with consequences for the WS but as soon as the WS shows some crocdile tears or token remose, the BS softens up and the same problems continue.

Sorry if my post was a bit long, I'd just like to hear from others about this. And I'm by no means an expert or anything obviously.
 

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I kicked my husband right out of the house on D day. You can read my story thru the link in my sig if you like. And I agree 100% with you. If more BS's just kicked the WS's cheating ass to the curb, there would be far less heartache around here.

My husband and I are together now, and doing quite well, and I attribute that partly to what I did, but mainly to what he did after D day.
 

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I am getting divorced. I confronted him on Dec. 8 and was all the way moved out within 3 days. He gave me a bunch of false "I'm sorry" texts and continued on with his married affair partner as if the past 5 1/2 years didnt mean anything. I am done! I don't want him back, he has taken no responsibility for his affair, possibly ruining two families and blaming it on me. So she can have him. He didnt fight for me, so I am done fighting for him. It's been a month and I just want it all over with. Hope that helps.
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Well... I can't offer the perspective of a BS, but I can offer that of an AP.

I can tell you for certain that had my FOMs W exposed him and kicked him out, it would have ended things between he and I much sooner. I think once you step back and realize what your life will be like if you D, it forces you to want to salvage your relationship much more. No one really wants to deal with the life altering changes that separattion / divorce bring... It comes with a lot of pain, trauma, financial repercussions, etc. that any semi-intelligent person would be prudent to try and avoid.
 

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I've known a WS on a different relationship message board whose BS (the wife) had him move out as soon as she found out about the infidelity. A few weeks later, she filed for divorce and the divorce is proceeding. She didn't want to reconcile with him at all. The affair was bad but no worse than any other affair I've read about here on TAM. He's always maintained he didn't have a strong emotional attachments to the AP. The divorce snapped him out of any lingering feelings for the AP, a married woman who fell in love with him. He did the right things after D-Day. He even met with the husband of the AP to answer any questions he had. Now he's trying to get back in his soon to be ex-wife' good graces. He recently told me he realizes that he still loves his wife very much. For months she wouldn't take any call from him, but he's hopeful that after the divorce perhaps they can rekindle a new relationship. Time will tell.
 

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OP, the key is to let the WS know that the BS's life goes on even without the cheating partner and that the BS is ready to move on and start a fresh life. But the BS has to be 100% ready for it before letting the WS know, otherwise the BS won't be taken seriously.

It's all about BS's self confidence, firmness and self-respect about not letting the WS walk all over the BS.

Usually these qualities help the WS get out of the fog and make them realize what they're losing/lost by keeping up with the affair or having started the affair in the first place.
 
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What brought me to this message board was the inappropriate / EA relationship that my fiancé was having with his just a friend ex.

I suppose timing was on my side. We had been dating long enough for him to know that he preferred me and wanted me to spend more and more time with him. (time is a very valuable asset).

there were small indications that they were still in touch with one another..... I really think each entry she made on his FB wall was timed with their contact.

I didn't tell him that I never wanted to see him again, I told him that if he wanted to remain "just friends" with her, then I could be "just friends" with him as well and have a real boyfriend elsewhere like she does. It didn't take him longer than a microsecond for him to decide what he preferred.

I'm also glad I got this straight before getting married than having to deal with this after getting married.
 

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Rookie04 had a thread on this topic recently.

He kicked his wife straight out and never contacted her for months after. They divorced.

His wife was crawling all over herself to get back but she had said some horrific things.

Now 2 years later they've healed enough to give it another go.

But he probably isn't marrying her again.
 

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In most cases the WSO is not actually in love with their AP. They love the feeling they get from the AP. They know on some level it is just a fantasy, and the AP is not a better choice than their BSO. That being said they are also in the process of emotionally disconecting from their BSO. They may or may not connect with the AP. Usually they do not because the WSO or AP is not able to maintain the fantasy once the support provided by the BSO is removed.

If the A is caught before they completely disconnect from the BSO and are forced to make a choice, they will end the fantasy.

If the WSO has disconnected from their BSO the A may continue regardless of the BSOs actions.

If the WSO has not been forced to make a choice the process will continue until the WSO is forced to make a choice, or has completely disconnected from their BSO.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks for all the responses. Very interesting.

I saw a quote somewhere and I'm paraphrasing: "To save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it."

I love it because from what I've read it sounds true. The ones who draw lines in the sand from the start by setting boundries and showing the WS there are consequences to their actions seem to have a much easier time cutting the affair short and don't seem to spend nearly as much time trying to get their WS to stop the affair.

The ones who confront their WS and start talking about reconcilliation and how much they love the WS and they want to make the marriage work right off the bat, never really seem to go anywhere. They're just seen as an available fallback in case things go south with the OM/OW.

When you show the WS from the start of D-day or shortly thereafter that you're more than willing to walk away from the marriage/relationship, that seems to snap them out of the fog relatively quick. When it looks like YOU'RE moving on from THEM, then the reality of the damage they've caused seems to hit them.

I really think it would be good for people dealing with WS to maybe read through 30 or 40 of the pages in this section to figure out how to deal with WS. After doing that you just start seeing patterns to how the BS and WS deal with things. What works and what doesn't.

Everyone's story is different in it's own way, but at the same time they're all the same. I think I've seen others call it a "script" and that's kind of what it is.
 

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So my question is are there any BS here who when they discovered their SO was having an EA/PA who ended the relationship/cut off contact/filed for divorce from the start or shortly thereafter?
Sadly I did not do this.

I am now a firm believer that if you are facing this situation as a BS you should bring all your guns to bare simultaneously and destroy the WS's illusions and fantasy.

I wish I knew now what I didn't know then…absolutely. My divorce will be final and 3 weeks.

I found out about the texting and phone calls in 2009 between STBXWW and POSom. I confronted her, she denied an affair, claimed "just friends". I told her "If you ever speak to him again…I will D you". She agreed. I gave her a second chance. A year later I discovered continued contact. I confronted her again, she denied an affair…still "just friends". I told her that if she doesn't stop I will file for D. She claimed she didn't what a D and wanted to work on our marriage. 6 months later I discovered it was actually an EP/PA and have been going on for over 1 ½ years…and never stopped.

By this time she claimed it was over between them so I naively stayed and tried to work on our marriage. For the next year she did basically nothing, no heavy lifting, no openness or honesty, refused to answer questions, was not accountable for her whereabouts and certainly wasn't putting in the effort that I required. I finally discovered yet again, that they were still in contact. I finally filed for D but only after living through the most painful 2 ½ years of my life. The stress during this time was indescribable. I am certain now that she never thought I would actually D her.

I am convinced that if I would have filed for D and walked right from the beginning, the shock could have woke her up to the consequences of her actions…snapped her out of the fantasy/fog. The lame/door mat approach I took contained no shock factor or consequences. It was incremental steps not the ton of iron, filled with cold, hard reality that she needed.

By the same token, if I would have filed and walked, and she agreed, I would have saved myself 2 ½ years of pain and frustration. I would have been well on the road of healing by now as well.

Yes, if you want to save your marriage...you must be willing to lose it!

If I only had a time machine!
 

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My cheating ex got the jump on me and had already filed before I was even aware of her cheating. I'm pretty sure she was laying with her attorney (a former friend), the judge and maybe the guy I hired to defend me. In any event, she got me jailed for four days on trumped p charges of physical abuse and by the time I got out, they had a protection order keeping me from the home I had worked for years to provide her and her children.
Given my situation, I doubt if I would have hesitated in dumping her had I had the opportunity.
 

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I remember a woman on a different board, a female BS who was a professor. She was really smart and articulate. Her professor husband cheated on her with a graduate student assistant of his. The BS filed for divorce pretty fast. They had a very comfortable lifestyle, no children, and she was more than able to support herself through her job. Exposure didn't mean much at the university where he worked because the powers that be didn't want to get involved in what they deemed a personal matter. Anyway, she divorced him without too much angst. He had buyers remorse because he'd come to the house afterwards on the pretext of getting his things, but it was clear he was regretting his actions. The AP dumped him not too long afterwards and moved away. According to the BS, her friends who knew him said they were shocked to see how much he aged and how disheveled he looked. He was also bitter. He felt his BS got the better deal - she got the house, the two dogs, and most of their friends. But then he made his bed, didn't he? He should accept the natural consequences of his actions.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I remember a woman on a different board, a female BS who was a professor. She was really smart and articulate. Her professor husband cheated on her with a graduate student assistant of his. The BS filed for divorce pretty fast. They had a very comfortable lifestyle, no children, and she was more than able to support herself through her job. Exposure didn't mean much at the university where he worked because the powers that be didn't want to get involved in what they deemed a personal matter. Anyway, she divorced him without too much angst. He had buyers remorse because he'd come to the house afterwards on the pretext of getting his things, but it was clear he was regretting his actions. The AP dumped him not too long afterwards and moved away. According to the BS, her friends who knew him said they were shocked to see how much he aged and how disheveled he looked. He was also bitter. He felt his BS got the better deal - she got the house, the two dogs, and most of their friends. But then he made his bed, didn't he? He should accept the natural consequences of his actions.
Ya. It can be quite interesting, and in a lot of cases quite sad, how the WS has their life unravel when they actually have to deal with concrete consequences due to their A. That's why I support immediately filing for divorce/seperation as soon as the affair is blown off the lid.

The WS seems much more willing to capitulate to the requirements that the BS lays out when they actually take the threat of D/seperation seriously. Or when contact is simply cut.
 

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Some of the BS on here however I felt very frustrated for because they either didn't seem to realize how much control they were giving the WS through their actions. Even the ones who would almost start heading in the right directions by going through with consequences for the WS but as soon as the WS shows some crocdile tears or token remose, the BS softens up and the same problems continue.
I was devastated when the the 'real' truth about my STBXW's affair was revealed. When she trickle-truthed me I was angry and played the "I'm going to separate with you" card to wake her up. However, when I learned she was in love with the OM, I refused to let it happen and fought for us to stay together. Sometimes we're so much in shock we go into panic mode. It's hard to know until you're in it. It's really hard to be composed when your life is crashing in on you. (Especially when you've been 'blindsided'.)

I think once you step back and realize what your life will be like if you D, it forces you to want to salvage your relationship much more. No one really wants to deal with the life altering changes that separattion / divorce bring... It comes with a lot of pain, trauma, financial repercussions, etc. that any semi-intelligent person would be prudent to try and avoid.
Sometimes the WS's fog still won't allow them to recognize the consequences. Now it could be that they want out of the relationship anyways, but sometimes it's that they still aren't thinking straight.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I was devastated when the the 'real' truth about my STBXW's affair was revealed. When she trickle-truthed me I was angry and played the "I'm going to separate with you" card to wake her up. However, when I learned she was in love with the OM, I refused to let it happen and fought for us to stay together. Sometimes we're so much in shock we go into panic mode. It's hard to know until you're in it. It's really hard to be composed when your life is crashing in on you. (Especially when you've been 'blindsided'.)



Sometimes the WS's fog still won't allow them to recognize the consequences. Now it could be that they want out of the relationship anyways, but sometimes it's that they still aren't thinking straight.
I agree. That's why I'm glad I found this site and have spent so much time combing through it. Never been married and I've been single for about a year and a half now. But if I ever find myself having to go through what I've read people on this site going through it's good to have an idea of how to handle it.
 

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If you have children, it becomes another issue entirely.

I probably would have filed for D had we not had children.

I think what's hard for many BS's to grasp at the beginning is that the person they loved and trusted more than any other person has now betrayed them. And that they'd be willing to destroy the family structure over new sex, new infatuation. Typically, the BS wants to believe that the WS has become deluded, perhaps because of the OW/OM.

However, I do applaud the BS' that have the strength of self to take the reigns. There's a spectrum of remorsefulness on the part of the WS and it's not quite clear how remorseful they are until they are faced with reality.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
If you have children, it becomes another issue entirely.

I probably would have filed for D had we not had children.

I think what's hard for many BS's to grasp at the beginning is that the person they loved and trusted more than any other person has now betrayed them. And that they'd be willing to destroy the family structure over new sex, new infatuation. Typically, the BS wants to believe that the WS has become deluded, perhaps because of the OW/OM.
I have to admit despite everything I've read that is one thing I have a hard time wrapping my head around. The concept of "staying together for the sake of the children". I suspect *some* people really don't want to get divorced and the children make a good excuse. I've seen so many "Well I'd be gone now if it wasn't for the children" stories sometimes it's hard to take that reasoning seriously. I know statistically children in 2 parent homes tend to do better than children of divorced parents, but I don't know any children of divorcees who were any more deviant or miserable than children who grew up in 2 parent homes.

My parents have been married almost 30 years now. I really think it would have been better on me and my siblings if they had been divorced and happy rather than together and living as roommates like they do today. It's been years since they've even slept in the same bed.

But once again, I don't have kids. So I could be completely wrong and I guess it's just something you have to experience for yourself.
 

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Yes, I think you'd have to have kids to understand. (We're also different nationalities which makes it much more complicated.)

There's no guarantee your parents would have been better off with someone else in the long run. Plus, their divorce would probably have had a huge impact on you, especially if it was a result of adultery.
 

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I have to admit despite everything I've read that is one thing I have a hard time wrapping my head around. The concept of "staying together for the sake of the children". I suspect *some* people really don't want to get divorced and the children make a good excuse. I've seen so many "Well I'd be gone now if it wasn't for the children" stories sometimes it's hard to take that reasoning seriously. I know statistically children in 2 parent homes tend to do better than children of divorced parents, but I don't know any children of divorcees who were any more deviant or miserable than children who grew up in 2 parent homes.

My parents have been married almost 30 years now. I really think it would have been better on me and my siblings if they had been divorced and happy rather than together and living as roommates like they do today. It's been years since they've even slept in the same bed.

But once again, I don't have kids. So I could be completely wrong and I guess it's just something you have to experience for yourself.
If you do not have kids, if you have not raised young children, maybe several at a time, I do not think you can understand. I could not have, and I am a pretty smart guy. But this is their family. Their universe. I love them, their mom loves them, they love us. This is their world.
 
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