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Discussion Starter #1
Hi, I'm new to this.

My story goes like this:

I have been happily married for the past 10 years. However, for over a year now, my husband has been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and is talking effexor. It has affected him by having a low libido ( we haven't been intimate since he's been on effexor). I'm going crazy. I understand why, I have tried talking to him about it, but ended up making him feel really bad.

For the past 2 months I have found comfort in an old boyfriend using a social network. We have never met (mainly coz he lives abroad), he has told me he wants us to meet and go a step further, but I am keeping him away. I don't know how long I can last though. I suppose you can say that I am having an emotional affair.

Before we started talking, I was a wreck. I was getting depressed, I felt as if everything was going wrong. Now he has boosted my confidence, and I feel much better. My husband though, even though I've really tried, still ignores me. We will talk sometimes, but most of the time he is home he will be out in the garden.

We have two kids together. I don't want to hurt anybody in my family. I love them all so much. I want to be there for my husband, but I also need to look after myself to be there for my kids.

I need help. I know what I am doing is wrong. Does anybody have any ideas as to what I can do to help my husband? I am sure once he stops effexor things will go back to normal, but he is not willing to stop. I've suggested to him that maybe next time we visit the dr she will tell him to stop, and he says he is not ready to. I don't know what to do. Please help me...
 

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Wedding Vows. Christianity

I will live first unto our God and then unto you, loving you, obeying you, caring for you and ever seeking to please you. God has prepared me for you and so I will ever strengthen, help, comfort, and encourage you. Therefore, throughout life, no matter what may be ahead of us, I pledge to you my life as an obedient and faithful wife.

Understand what it means to be married.......don't forget what it means to be married

I love you, ____ and I know that you love me. Because of this I desire to be your wife. For _ years I have prayed that God would lead me to His choice and I am confident that His will is being fulfilled tonight. Through the pressures of the present and the uncertainties of the future I promise to be faithful to you. I will love, serve, and obey you as long as we both are alive. Christ told us that the wife must submit herself unto her own husband as unto the Lord.

I, _____, take you ______, to be my wedded husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

Do you get it...............

Sikhism

“Let man and woman, united in marriage, constantly exert themselves, that ,they may not be disunited ,and may not violate their mutual fidelity.”
“Emotional attachment to Maya is totally painful, this is a bad bargain.”
Guru Nanak

No matter the religion they all carry the same message
 

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If you think you husband is depressed now your affair may push him right overthe edge. Don't be that person who destroys another by cheating. No matter how lonely you are, you are making a very very bad choice continuing to talk with the exbf. You go realize the exbf is wanting you to cheat in our husband nd kids, that he sees you as the kind of woman who is a cheater. Think about that. Think about how little he actually rejects you.

Please stop the affair. There is no middle ground where you just stay friends with him. He has shown hs tre interest and it is to have sex with you had turn you into that sort of woman. Is that how you want your kids to remember you? The eonsn who chose to cheat her exBF?
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If you told him you are happily married, why is he trying to move in on you? Sounds a bit creepy.

Did your husband try any natural cures, such as exercise plans, yoga, meditation, diet? Maybe you could suggest that the two of you start a plan together for health and wellness. I think there are studies showing these things can be just as effective as medication.

Remind him that you still have needs, that you are not taking a medication that erases your sex drive. Or hey, maybe you could take it also...lol.

Otherwise, try to bond in other ways, hugging, kissing, love notes etc. Go to the local adult store and buy some toys in the meantime.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
thanx for your replies so far.

I know that it is wrong to continue talking with my ex. That's the exact reason why I am looking for help to try and find ways to get my husband interested in my again.

I have tried talking to him about my needs also. It just stressed him out even more. I've also tried simple things such as hugging, and kissing, etc. He felt awkward. As if I was not meant to do anything.

I do feel lonely. It's been over a year now. With no hugs, just a few kisses every now and then, nothing to show his affection towards me. Honestly, if it wasn't for the pills, I'd think he's cheating on me!!
 

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We have never met (mainly coz he lives abroad), he has told me he wants us to meet and go a step further, but I am keeping him away. I don't know how long I can last though. I suppose you can say that I am having an emotional affair.
Cut this BS out now. Step further? This guy wants to bang you, and you know it. Abroad means nothing. He can buy a ticket and meet you in a hotel anytime you agree.

You say you love your husband and family, so stop playing with fire.
 

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Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel? Trying to deal with his problems and add this to it? I know how it feels and its the lowest of the lows. Stop doing what you are doing right now. It destroys lives. Tell him exactly how you feel like you did here.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
I have talked to him. Very calmly. The only thing I ended up doing is make him cry. I am at a point where I'm too scared to ask for sex. I'm too scared to wear something sexy to make him want to. Too scared to make a move in general that may lead to us having sex.

The other day I put my hand on his leg in the car as we were talking (something I used to do before). All he comented was, why my hand was there.

I've tried texting him sexy messages, but nothing. You cannot imagine how many things I have done to try and get him intrested, to show at least some affection.

I'm trying, my hardest but I'm not getting any responce. Marriage needs two people to work, I'm the only one trying here.

I really need more ideas how to help my husband, has anybody else been in a similar situation? After the pills stop, did things change? I have a lot of patiance. I don't want to tell my ex to come over, he's stopped asking now. I need advice on how to fix things with my husband, not advice to stop things with my ex.
 

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My husband has various anxiety disorders as well, I wish I could have gotten him to stay on his meds. His medicine he was on a year ago literally stopped all bedroom activities. Put yourself in his shoes if you had a disorder that made you a terrible person and the only way to help would be to be on pills but you wouldn't have much of a drive would you want your husband to seek comfort in another woman?? Just saying... I dont want to be harsh but you took vows for better or worst. Thank god that he isn't cheating on you or abusive(the abusiveness could happen with some people that have anxiety disorders) Be more thankful, don't expect more to be thankful. Try to communicate with him about this feeling your experiencing and try to come up with things to do together to make each other feel loved. It doesn't have to be about sex. In my opinion any man that will try to sleep with another mans wife isn't a good person, not to mention he will say things to you to make your smile and blush because he is playing on that. Those type of men know how to manipulate. I hope and pray you can talk to your husband and solve this together, another man especially one like that isn't worth breaking up your family. In my many experiences people give up too easily/early on their marriage. I am very thankful that instead of leaving my marriage that I stuck it out. The rewards have been nothing short of beautiful and a miracle.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Thanx for your answer, I don't want to have an affair. All my ex has done for me is helped boost my confidence.

My husband was, you can say, abusive before he stared his meds. Mainly with words. I am thankful that he never hit me. We'd go shopping for example, an if I told him that we did not need something, he'd start shouting, and saying for me to stop talking or he'd slap me. That was a time period I'd rather forget.

I've been though a lot with him the past year and half. I've been there for him through it all. He also says it to others. I'm tired, but I will stay by him no matter what. This thing with my ex is just a boost for me to keep me going. Nothing physical has happened, or will happen. My ex in currently in the country, but respect my request not to go further, and has not pushed me into it. Being honest, I have asked to meet somewhere public, but he said he cannot do that to himself. He cannot meet me and not go further.

Scully - tell me after your husband went off the meds, did things change for the better? I'm not looking only to have sex with my husband. I'd like to feel loved though. I've told him, but he's got it in his mind that he must look after no. 1. He was told this by the first psychologist we went to. He came back one day after meeting with her in tears, broken. He told me that she told him that he must think of only himself, and not his wife or kids!!!! What kind of help is that from a psychologist!!!! We are now going to a psychiatrist, who has helped him. He is calm now.
 

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Thanx for your answer, I don't want to have an affair. All my ex has done for me is helped boost my confidence.

My husband was, you can say, abusive before he stared his meds. Mainly with words. I am thankful that he never hit me. We'd go shopping for example, an if I told him that we did not need something, he'd start shouting, and saying for me to stop talking or he'd slap me. That was a time period I'd rather forget.

I've been though a lot with him the past year and half. I've been there for him through it all. He also says it to others. I'm tired, but I will stay by him no matter what. This thing with my ex is just a boost for me to keep me going. Nothing physical has happened, or will happen. My ex in currently in the country, but respect my request not to go further, and has not pushed me into it. Being honest, I have asked to meet somewhere public, but he said he cannot do that to himself. He cannot meet me and not go further.

Scully - tell me after your husband went off the meds, did things change for the better? I'm not looking only to have sex with my husband. I'd like to feel loved though. I've told him, but he's got it in his mind that he must look after no. 1. He was told this by the first psychologist we went to. He came back one day after meeting with her in tears, broken. He told me that she told him that he must think of only himself, and not his wife or kids!!!! What kind of help is that from a psychologist!!!! We are now going to a psychiatrist, who has helped him. He is calm now.
Honestly going off the meds made for more of an abusive relationship it literally took him stop drinking and going to counseling and realizing the problem lied with him.The frequency of sex hasn't came back but we discussed that and he said that making sure our marriage was getting stronger was more important and we would go through those type of seasons where sex wasnt the main thing. I guess to make a long story short...Coming off the meds didnt help it took a lot of work on both of our parts. I know you think the boost from the ex is getting you through it but hunny from someone who went through something like their in their first marriage (me lol) it can be dangerous. Your relying on someone other than your husband to make you feel good. I think ya'll going to a counselor is a good step in the right direction and I pray and hope this works out for you. If it does you will look back on it and just stand in awe. I know I think about all the abuse when he was drunk and that the PA contributed too and am so glad I got my first love back, the real him not the drinking not the disorder.
 

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imagine if you got into a car accident and lost sensitivity or had paralysis in your sex organs (among other things like your legs of course)

you would think it would be a really sh!tty thing if your husband started up an EA and considered going to a PA


same situation, I think you're being incredibly selfish, you're rewriting or exaggerating the marital history and vilifying your husband to a degree to justify your actions to yourself so you can feel better about the incredible amount of hurt and pain you will put him through

I'd have more respect for you if you just bailed before starting up your affair with exbf (and let's call it what it is right now- an affair)


that said, I am glad you are coming here and reanalyzing what you are doing

you must go no contact with your exbf right away

STOP CONTACTING HIM and ignore any contact by him
 

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My ex in currently in the country, but respect my request not to go further, and has not pushed me into it. Being honest, I have asked to meet somewhere public, but he said he cannot do that to himself. He cannot meet me and not go further.
Wow, so now the player isn't pushing for an affair, but you are? Keep playing with fire, and making excuses for why this is okay.

Divorce the man before you cheat on him.
 

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she already has, cheating isn't always physical
True. If I saw a msg from my W to her ex-bf asking to meet, in public or not, I'd start the D process. Not saying I'd go through with it, but I'd get the ball rolling while she figured out what she wants.

Confused Woman, do you really want to continue down that path? Your hubby may be reading your messages to this cheater guy right now. Are you ready to nuke your marriage over this?
 

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i know that just talking with my ex is wrong. Especially meeting up with him. I can control not screwing him. I will stop any contact with him at some point. Prob sooner rather than later. I feel like i'm not being heard here. All i've been getting is negative feedback for something i already know. All i want r ideas as to how to reconnect with my husband, and if there r others going through the same thing. I need people who have been or r going through this kind of situation. What i really don't need at the moment is people critisizing me for something i'm doing to keep my sanity. My friends who know the exact situation at home and what exactly is going on with my ex, r behind me. I have nothing to hide from friends, i don't tell my husband anything coz i know it will set him back.
He also talks with his ex, who is also abroad. She has even called him on the phone. I trust him that he did not cheat on us. Just as he blindly believes that i won't cheat on him. I don't really know if by talking to my ex is an EA.
What i really need is to talk to people who have been in the same situation with their spouse.
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i know that just talking with my ex is wrong. Especially meeting up with him. I can control not screwing him. I will stop any contact with him at some point. Prob sooner rather than later. I feel like i'm not being heard here. All i've been getting is negative feedback for something i already know. All i want r ideas as to how to reconnect with my husband, and if there r others going through the same thing. I need people who have been or r going through this kind of situation. What i really don't need at the moment is people critisizing me for something i'm doing to keep my sanity. My friends who know the exact situation at home and what exactly is going on with my ex, r behind me. I have nothing to hide from friends, i don't tell my husband anything coz i know it will set him back.
He also talks with his ex, who is also abroad. She has even called him on the phone. I trust him that he did not cheat on us. Just as he blindly believes that i won't cheat on him. I don't really know if by talking to my ex is an EA.
What i really need is to talk to people who have been in the same situation with their spouse.
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you are looking for validation of your rewritten perception of your husband

you will not reconnect unless you go NC with OM immediately

your husband talking with his ex is breaking a boundary as well


you both should read Not Just Friends by shirley glass
 

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My friends who know the exact situation at home and what exactly is going on with my ex, r behind me.
Ugh. They're your friends, so of course they're behind you. They see you hurting, and they want you to feel better. I tell my friends my situation, and I hear - "Divorce the b**ch!"

The strangers here...we're just dishing the truth as we see it, no strings attached. If you want to stick with your friends who will go along with you, go right ahead.

You're right, though, this is not your question. I can say that I'm in a similar sitch as you...big diff is, I'm a dude. My thread is in the section as well, but short story is that my W has severe depression/anxiety. She claims to have zero s*x drive. I feel for her, but I didn't sign up for a s*x-free marriage. I eventually had "the talk" with her, and laid it out - "My needs are important and I will make sure they are met. I did not agree to a s*xless marriage. You can decide how you want to proceed with this."

So...we have duty s*x a couple of times a week. It sucks, and it's probably worse than no s*x at times. For now, though, this is what I get. I don't see a change coming. Could be the same for your husband. You can plead/beg/nag all you want, but he needs to be the one to decide to change. Sorry, you are in a bad sitch. I can relate.
 

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OMG I couldn't even get thru the first page without seeing red! Confused woman, you need to cease talking to the ex NOW! Like, even sooner than now. More like, as soon as you started lamenting the woes of your marriage. My husband is battling bipolar disorder (not sure which type, but is in deep depression now), anxiety, and agoraphobia. I had not one, but two emotional affairs. Don't try to sugar coat what you are doing talking with this ex. You are cheating, period. It doesn't matter whether you are getting any from your husband or not at this point. It doesn't matter the circumstances behind the contact with your ex. Right this very minute, you are CHEATING ON YOUR HUSBAND! Cut this man out of your life NOW if you want any chance of fixing your marriage.

Yes, it is difficult. MY husband, now, has next to no drive. They have messed around with meds so much in the last four years. They STILL haven't found the right combination. When he found out about my first EA, he tried to kill himself. The second one, he didn't. In fact, he found his OWN friend to confide in and started his OWN emotional affair because he was depressed and vulnerable and he didn't think I would care. And now, we are trying to fix what we damn near destroyed. Don't do what I did. If you have any love for your husband at all, stop cheating on him now! Otherwise, be prepared for him to do the same things my husband has done.
 
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