I have smallish boobs... a B cup. I know it doesn't sound too bad, but I'm kinda tall at 5'7" and not very thin at 143 lbs... and I have very wide hips (luckily my waist is small, but still, my hips look massive!). During high school I was teased a lot; girls would make fun of my hips ('cause they all had tiny hips) and guys would make fun of my small breasts. Even though I'm 24 now, it still left scars.
Then I met my ex, and everything was good, until it wasn't. We had lots of issues, which sadly showed his darker side. He's a manipulative person... so he of course manipulated me a lot. One of the things he used the most to manipulate me was my insecurity about my small breasts. He would say they were too small, but at the same time called me fat... then if I lost some weight he'd say that my breasts were getting smaller and he didn't like it, so if ended up flat, I'd have to get implants. Then other times, he'd say I was hot, but I'd be hotter with bigger breasts.
Also, all the celebrities he said were hot were busty. All the porn he watched was big boob porn... when I asked him why he just said those women were hot. As I was so insecure I made the mistake of asking if they were hotter than me to which he replied "of course, it's their job and all guys think porn stars are hotter than their girlfriends, they're lying if they say otherwise".
He used to say he loved my wit, brains, creativity, talents, humor, spontaneity... and while that was nice, it made me feel more like a friend than a sexy girlfriend... I wanted to feel like I had an irresistible body, but he made me feel flawed and like I was just brains to him.
When I broke up with him and told him one of the reasons was that he didn't like my body as it was, he apologized and took all back, but to this day I don't believe him because he just sounded way more honest when he criticized me. Also where I live all guys are obsessed with big boobs, to the point where the other day some of my friends were talking about this butt ugly chick who has massive boobs. I said she's butt ugly and they said "who cares if she has such a huge rack".
Then kinda to make me feel better they said those girls are only hot for having sex, but for a long term relationship they care more about the face and not necessarily about big boobs (but if she has them, then it's better). Still, I feel like I'll never be good enough... and I still have so many emotional scars, I feel so low and my confidence is just shattered.
I'm way more than just relationship material... I like sex, so I also want to feel valued, respected, cherished and like my body is more than enough. At times, my ex made me feel like my body was "sufficient" but it was all he could get. And to a point, what my friends said sounded like the same... like someone with small boobs is good just as a body to use when you can't get your hands on a busty woman. I just want to feel that I can be as hot if not more than some porn star.
Even TV shows so many stupid things and jokes that glorify big breasts and put down small... I'm sorry, I'm just so sensitive to this, I don't know where to draw confidence from... and it affects me because I don't want to get close to any guy.
How can I go about finding a guy who genuinely likes small breasts, and is not just settling so he can get laid regularly? Are there guys who truly prefer small breasts over large, and so, how to find them?
Do all guys like small breasts, but think big breasts are universally better?
Should I consider implants (I'd only get a D I think)?
Do all guys have that madonna/***** complex (where one girl may not be hot but is smart so good for a relationship, and another is hot but just for sex)?
Do all guys want a woman who looks like a porn star (just who looks like that, not that she is an actual porn star with STDs)?
How do you think I can let go of all these insecurities... I swear just the thought of a guy seeing or touching my breasts paralizes me because I fear they will be dissatisfied or prefer bigger. I don't know how to overcome this
It might sound vain but I'm in tears as I write!