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Was this the article you read? https://dadstartingover.com/seven-signs-wife-is-cheating/

If so, thanks for reading!

Sorry you're in this mess. All the stories are so similar. Every guy becomes hyper-analytical... looking for ONE more bit of evidence that will wrap up everything so well. A year from now you're going to look back and say that you should've just left early on and been done with it. But, I get it. We've all been there.

Check out this book I wrote for guys in your shoes: https://dadstartingover.com/now-what

Good luck, my friend.
 

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Great job whistle!!!

Continue to stay strong and keep moving forward.

Be sure she tells the truth to your kids and family. Don’t allow her to rewrite history and make you the bad guy.

Keep your head up!
Be proud of your refusal to stand for her behavior!!
 

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Discussion Starter #63
Hi guys, just want to say thanks for your continued support.

I 'manned up'. No more Mr Nice Guy. Didn't need to give her the letter that I mentioned in my previous post.

On Friday night we were chatting, she was discussing her colleagues getting re-deployed to other departments to deal with the virus (she's a nurse). I asked about a few people I knew of, then... "so where's Ian (OM) going?" She said a department, I don't recall. "So are you going to visit him there to suck him off?". Her face turned white. "What's wrong with you? I'm not having an affair with him". She lied.
"Yes you are, you need to stop lying to me and not just about this but about everything. You're so entrenched in a world of lies you don't know what the truth is anymore". This went back a forth for a few minutes, the volume increased and the hate fed itself, never before in 22 years had we argued like this. I threw a few facts at her and she kept attempting to gaslight me. I laughed at her in that arrogant way when you know you're right and someone's lying. I mentioned details of FB Messenger chat, Credit card bills for pubs and restaurants when she said she was meant to be working late. Still she gaslighted me. So, we were in the kitchen, I took the keys to her car and went outside. Came back straight away with the GPS and VAR in my hand. Told her what they were. I specifically mentioned the VAR and what it does. That was the killer. Her face, demeanor, and body language changed immediately. She was beaten. She admitted it without me having to replay any of the sordid recordings. No apology, no regret, nothing, just an admittance. A lot of tears followed and then fake signs of regret. "If I had a time machine...blah blah blah"...
.
Like a settled mushroom cloud that follows the atomic bomb, a calm ensued. And for the next couple of hours we managed to talk in an adult and civil manner. I never lost sight of the 'believe 0% of what you hear' though. For the first time in two months I felt peace. It was the truth I needed and nothing else. I demanded she tell our daughter as she thinks I'm a madman for accusing her of cheating. "No, it's got nothing to do with her, don't bring her into this". It was now 2.30 in the morning, I was tired so called it quits.

Saturday morning was eerie. I was up first and she came downstairs crying. I told her that she has no need to fear me (she got a bit scared seeing me so angry the night before), and that I was calm and at peace now I had the truth from her. She said she had time to reflect and she will tell (daughter), once they're settled into the new house. Bullshit, I thought, just buying time so when I'm out of the way I won't be able to force her hand. I nodded but defaulted to the 'believe 0%' mantra. The rest of the weekend came and went without much drama.

Monday (today). WW is at work. I'm at home packing my stuff ready to move tomorrow, daughter is home too and going to help me. I move the fridge freezer from the kitchen to near the front door. I damage the kitchen flooring in the process! I make a quip to my daughter "oh typical, your mum hates me already, now she's really going to hate me".
"But you've done nothing wrong dad", she says. I give her a puzzled look as if saying 'what are you talking about?".
" I know she's been cheating, dad. I heard you both on Friday night. I'm so sorry I didn't believe you before".
I felt horrible, she shouldn't be caught up in this mess. "She's even lied to me too. When you accused her a couple of weeks ago, I asked her straight: "Is there anything going on?", She said her mum looked her in the eyes and said "No".

We stopped what we were doing and spent the next two hours talking. She asked me what I knew. I told her everything (except for the explicit details, obviously). She said she'd spent the last couple of days processing it and could now see the red flags herself: working late, moody when home, phone secrecy, not engaging with family matters etc. I told her that her mother 'plans' to tell her soon, "Yeah, okay, I'll look forward to it and telling her I already know, but I don't think she will, I think she was just lying to you again". She's a bright kid!
This was just what I needed. It was my last day as part of the 'family' and I was feeling pretty low, but then her admission and our chat filled me with another sense of peace and calm. "Someone on my team!".


WW returned from work and appeared sad and emotional. I tried to be business-like but asked her "what's wrong?, apparently she now "loves me and is going to miss me". "Were you missing me when you had another man's **** in your mouth?" I wanted to ask but bit my tongue.
Tomorrow I leave. My daughter is helping me move. I have to do it myself as removal companies aren't working because of Corona virus! I feel there's a good conversation happening again. The D is in the pipeline but delayed because of this f*****g virus!!! I'm looking to the future,my future, for the first time since the d-bomb hit me square in the face.

Two months ago I was drowning in the lies of ILYBINILWY Then I found this forum. On face value some of the replies I read were stark. Especially from prolific posters like @Marduk and @sokillme. But ultimately these are the ones that have helped me more than anyone else in the 'real world'. Succinct, direct, cutting, and spoken with experience. Had I not found this forum I would probably never know that she was cheating, and still, like an idiot, doing the pick me dance'. So thank you to one and all and please keep helping the poor bastards that keep appearing here.
 

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I think you're going to be just fine, man.
Your life will suck a lot, get a little bit better, then suck a little less, get a little bit better...
Just know that peace of mind you have felt comes from knowing that you weren't crazy, that you understand yourself, and you can do anything - you've proved it to yourself.
I know I could torch my whole life if I had to and rebuild it - because I did that once and didn't just regroup, but thrived. I think you will, too.
Keep posting through your journey. It's far from over, but you're on the right path.
 

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You have made remarkable strides in a short period of time, I know it may not seem like it, but you have. Now that you have moved out of the hornets nest, your daughter knows the truth, now just stay safe and healthy.
 

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As your wife is 50, I'm guessing she is menopausal.
A time when women re-evaluate their lives.
If she wasn't happy with you or the marriage, then this is the time it will blow up.
So yes, the being un happy with you because of your past behaviour, could very well be true, regardless of any affair, and not a case of rewriting history.

It could also be depression talking, that is so common in women going through this stage. And that could have been worked with if some douche bag hadn't seized his opportunity.

Once her fog has lifted, she will regret her involvement with him, and how much she has hurt you.
And this seems to be hitting home to her now, from your last post, when she admitted the situation you were now in, was her doing, and that she didn't want to make you any more unhappy or uncomfortable.

This is such a sad and nasty ending for you. Sorry you are going through this.
No she won't regret it. She will deny and gaslight to everyone and everything to her best ability. Such people can't admit that they done anything wrong, it was always someone elses fight, and they were entitled to act that way.
 

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Discussion Starter #72
How are you doing?
How did the move go?



Hi, thanks for asking.
The move went well, my daughter helped me and to be honest I couldn’t have done it without her. I’m in an upstairs flat and some things I couldn’t have moved on my own. The van hire companies are open but the removal ones aren’t because of the virus, so I had to move myself.

I’m okay, as well as can be expected. This is the first time in 22 years I’ve been on my own. So it’s quiet and strange but I’ve always enjoyed my own company so I’m going to try to enjoy being alone and not feel lonely.

I think @Marduk was spot on (as usual!). Things will suck, then get better etc. I’ve promised myself to spend 12 months getting re-acquainted with myself again before even thinking about another woman. At the moment 12 months seems like a lifetime but I might find that I might need more time?

I’m self employed, (specialist cleaning in people’s homes), so work has pretty much dried up at the moment because of the lockdown. I’m in two minds whether or not this is a good thing for me:

Will this ‘downtime’ aid my recovery as I have few distractions to prevent me dealing with the feelings I’m experiencing?

Or, would a normal routine (work/leisure) help me in dealing with it as when I return to work I’m possibly going to struggle to concentrate on the job at hand?

I’m really not sure!

A few weeks ago (before the lockdown), I had plans to better myself; join a gym, language classes, join a Meetup group to help me socialise again etc. But all of these are now on hold as most businesses are shut. So I’m just sat in the flat waiting for bedtime to arrive.

Since moving the main emotion I’ve been feeling is anger. Angry with her for doing what she did without a care who got hurt in the process. Angry with OM for breaking up a 22 year relationship. Angry with myself for not seeing the red flags earlier. I see everything so clearly now. Angry that last Christmas, which we spent as a family, was a complete sham. Angry that she spent Christmas Eve Googling ‘how to have secret conversations on FB Messenger’. Angry that on Christmas Day she Googled ‘secluded hotel getaways for the last weekend in January 2020’, which was the weekend she dropped the d-bomb.
I know it’s a phase and it will pass but I thought I’d be calmer than I am.

She has sent me a text message today. Relating to the previous house we’ve just moved out of. I haven’t read it yet, just seen the notification, she always looks to see if a text has been read. So I’ll sit on it for a while and let her stew. I have no intention of replying if there isn’t a question in her message. I’ve been reading about ‘no contact’ and I aim to not engage with her at all.
 

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No contact is your best path. Your daughter is old enough you won’t need much interaction if any.
Keep everything separate. Like most you’ll probably get the “lets be friends“ ploy. This is all for her not you. If you want out of the mess and move on nix that.

Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy.

Learn to ignore. If not you’ll stay tied up in this. You are the only one that can keep yourself in this.
 

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Discussion Starter #74
No contact is your best path. Your daughter is old enough you won’t need much interaction if any.
Keep everything separate. Like most you’ll probably get the “lets be friends“ ploy. This is all for her not you. If you want out of the mess and move on nix that.

Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy.

Learn to ignore. If not you’ll stay tied up in this. You are the only one that can keep yourself in this.
Good advice, thanks very much.
 
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