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As your wife is 50, I'm guessing she is menopausal.
A time when women re-evaluate their lives.

If she wasn't happy with you or the marriage, then this is the time it will blow up.
Correct, menopause for most women starts at 51, and ends after one year with no periods. It is accompanied by mood swings, hot flashes, a drop in libido, painful sex, etc.

Some women can have premature menopause, as early as age 40. Any start is normally genetic.

Peri-menopause normally starts at age 47, with irregular periods, spotty bleeding, etc.

The highest prevalence of cheating in women is at age ~37 after "7" years of marriage, the 7 year itch. The urge continues in their forties.

I like to put the blame on cycles.

In truth, it is a combination of factors. It is part of our natural age structuring that sets this behavior off.
It often is a last ditch effort to find a better relationship.

Of course, done so, while the woman herself, still feels competitively attractive.

Life is predictable.
 

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Discussion Starter #42
Just want to say a heartfelt thanks to everyone who has replied. All of your comments show you have been through this and have a clearer understanding of my situation than I do currently.

She's now back. No locks changed, no refusal of entry. I've told her I will keep things civil until we both leave. I can't handle the stress of more arguments, it's starting to affect my work and I can't let that happen as I have my own small business.

It's good to share my thoughts here. I don't have anyone else to talk to. We moved to a new city 10 years ago. Primarily because she got a promotion. I was able to relocate my job that I was doing at that time. I've never made an effort to make new friends as I was happy with family life. She's a nurse. When we met she had a mundane office job. A little while after our daughter was born she was discussing returning to work but was not overly enthusiastic about the same type of work. I asked her what her dream job would be, " a nurse", she replied. I encouraged her to train. I found an Access course at a local college (these courses are required in the UK before you can go to Uni, if you've been out of education for a while). She completed that and then did a nursing degree. For those four years life was tough financially, I was not earning a lot but we managed and struggled through. I was happy to graft to make sure she could realise her dreams. That support and encouragement has now been thrown back in my face.

She's done well and has worked her way through the grades. She manages people now too, her AP was a subordinate, believe it or not. This is another sign of her damaging behaviour: if that relationship had come to light in work she could have been dismissed from her job, she has to ensure, as a nurse, that her behaviour and professionalism, do not contravene the rules set out by the RCN (Royal College of Nursing), who provide her with a registration to operate. She seems to be on a path to self-destruction. Is this self-hatred?

My daughter has been distant from me today and refused a hug with me earlier, that broke my heart. She can see no wrong in her mother. I don't want to lose her too. She's 15. My step-son, who I helped raise from the age of 7 is now 29. He lives away from home after settling after doing a degree. He's a great lad but will obviously only see good in his mum too. It feels like me against the world at the moment.

I have been seeing a therapist and was due another appointment on Monday. I've received an email from her today advising that all future face-to-face appointments have to be cancelled due to the threat of Corona virus. Everything is a hurdle at the moment.

I've still got 19 days left here before I move out. I've bought some appliances (a small fridge, washing machine) today ready for the move. This, whilst practical and necessary made me realise what a **** show this whole thing is. I know I need to look to the future and think of me but **** it's hard. I see no joy in being on my own in a city full of strangers.
 

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Just want to say a heartfelt thanks to everyone who has replied. All of your comments show you have been through this and have a clearer understanding of my situation than I do currently.

She's now back. No locks changed, no refusal of entry. I've told her I will keep things civil until we both leave. I can't handle the stress of more arguments, it's starting to affect my work and I can't let that happen as I have my own small business.

It's good to share my thoughts here. I don't have anyone else to talk to. We moved to a new city 10 years ago. Primarily because she got a promotion. I was able to relocate my job that I was doing at that time. I've never made an effort to make new friends as I was happy with family life. She's a nurse. When we met she had a mundane office job. A little while after our daughter was born she was discussing returning to work but was not overly enthusiastic about the same type of work. I asked her what her dream job would be, " a nurse", she replied. I encouraged her to train. I found an Access course at a local college (these courses are required in the UK before you can go to Uni, if you've been out of education for a while). She completed that and then did a nursing degree. For those four years life was tough financially, I was not earning a lot but we managed and struggled through. I was happy to graft to make sure she could realise her dreams. That support and encouragement has now been thrown back in my face.

She's done well and has worked her way through the grades. She manages people now too, her AP was a subordinate, believe it or not. This is another sign of her damaging behaviour: if that relationship had come to light in work she could have been dismissed from her job, she has to ensure, as a nurse, that her behaviour and professionalism, do not contravene the rules set out by the RCN (Royal College of Nursing), who provide her with a registration to operate. She seems to be on a path to self-destruction. Is this self-hatred?

My daughter has been distant from me today and refused a hug with me earlier, that broke my heart. She can see no wrong in her mother. I don't want to lose her too. She's 15. My step-son, who I helped raise from the age of 7 is now 29. He lives away from home after settling after doing a degree. He's a great lad but will obviously only see good in his mum too. It feels like me against the world at the moment.

I have been seeing a therapist and was due another appointment on Monday. I've received an email from her today advising that all future face-to-face appointments have to be cancelled due to the threat of Corona virus. Everything is a hurdle at the moment.

I've still got 19 days left here before I move out. I've bought some appliances (a small fridge, washing machine) today ready for the move. This, whilst practical and necessary made me realise what a **** show this whole thing is. I know I need to look to the future and think of me but **** it's hard. I see no joy in being on my own in a city full of strangers.

whistle,

I feel you, man. I moved from another country and had no social life outside my husband and my family either, so when **** hit the fan, I was on my own, every last one of them threw me to the wind. You have us here to talk to for as long as you need a friend. We've all felt the outrage, agony of betrayal and grief for the lives and dreams gone up in smoke. I know it's hard to see it right now, but you will be ok *hugs*. I spent a few weeks frozen, I thought I was going to die, it hurt so much. It really helps to hear that it's ok going to be ok, so I'm telling you now, you will be ok. I'm just past the 6-month mark and feeling much more positive about life in general, and even dating a man I like.

Can your therapist organize phone/video sessions instead? If not, you may be able to find someone who can. I can't understand how it must hurt that your daughter is shunning you. I don't have children of my own, but the man I'm dating has a similar issue. His ex-wife cheated on him with a younger man AND married him a month after their divorce. Through it all, his daughter (8 at the time, now 18) completely rejected him and continues to do so. At 15, she's plenty old enough to understand what happened, what her mother did to your family, so the only thing I can suggest is to see if you can locate some therapy for her too if you find an online provider.

I have one suggestion to help with stress management. My therapist introduced me to mindful meditation- simply breathing in and out and focusing on each breath, dismissing every thought that pops up one by one. The point is not to be perfect, but to clear your mind. He also recommended "10% Happier" by Dan Harris. It's a book about how he suffered a mental breakdown on national TV due to stress and how he used meditation to live more in the present and manage his stress. This book and meditation have been invaluable to me, it's helped keep me from becoming overwhelmed. If you would like any more information, feel free to PM me.

Keep strong, my friend!
 

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Just want to say a heartfelt thanks to everyone who has replied. All of your comments show you have been through this and have a clearer understanding of my situation than I do currently.

She's now back. No locks changed, no refusal of entry. I've told her I will keep things civil until we both leave. I can't handle the stress of more arguments, it's starting to affect my work and I can't let that happen as I have my own small business.

It's good to share my thoughts here. I don't have anyone else to talk to. We moved to a new city 10 years ago. Primarily because she got a promotion. I was able to relocate my job that I was doing at that time. I've never made an effort to make new friends as I was happy with family life. She's a nurse. When we met she had a mundane office job. A little while after our daughter was born she was discussing returning to work but was not overly enthusiastic about the same type of work. I asked her what her dream job would be, " a nurse", she replied. I encouraged her to train. I found an Access course at a local college (these courses are required in the UK before you can go to Uni, if you've been out of education for a while). She completed that and then did a nursing degree. For those four years life was tough financially, I was not earning a lot but we managed and struggled through. I was happy to graft to make sure she could realise her dreams. That support and encouragement has now been thrown back in my face.

She's done well and has worked her way through the grades. She manages people now too, her AP was a subordinate, believe it or not. This is another sign of her damaging behaviour: if that relationship had come to light in work she could have been dismissed from her job, she has to ensure, as a nurse, that her behaviour and professionalism, do not contravene the rules set out by the RCN (Royal College of Nursing), who provide her with a registration to operate. She seems to be on a path to self-destruction. Is this self-hatred?

My daughter has been distant from me today and refused a hug with me earlier, that broke my heart. She can see no wrong in her mother. I don't want to lose her too. She's 15. My step-son, who I helped raise from the age of 7 is now 29. He lives away from home after settling after doing a degree. He's a great lad but will obviously only see good in his mum too. It feels like me against the world at the moment.

I have been seeing a therapist and was due another appointment on Monday. I've received an email from her today advising that all future face-to-face appointments have to be cancelled due to the threat of Corona virus. Everything is a hurdle at the moment.

I've still got 19 days left here before I move out. I've bought some appliances (a small fridge, washing machine) today ready for the move. This, whilst practical and necessary made me realise what a **** show this whole thing is. I know I need to look to the future and think of me but **** it's hard. I see no joy in being on my own in a city full of strangers.
Way, way too “nice.”

Why are you the one that’s leaving?

Why is your daughter mad at you instead of her?

Why so many words about how she’s doing and what she wants, and almost none about how you’re doing and what you want?

Conflict is coming. Might as well get used to it and wade right in.
 

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@whistle ~ Whoops, there it is!

You owe her absolutely nothing, but you do owe yourself a visit to the barristers office to help protect your rights!
Fully agree with the sentiment - but in England he should visit a solicitor.

For future reference - in England - normally a member of the public deals with a solicitor. Solicitors are the advice givers and form fillers that usually deal with family matters. They tend to have offices in the town centre or in a modern edge-of-town office block.

Barristers are usually instructed by a solicitor and appear for the solicitor's client in court - they are the advocacy part of the legal profession - particularly higher courts as some solicitors will appear before magistrates in the lesser courts. Barristers operate within Chambers and wear wigs and gowns in court.

Layman's thoughts - no doubt someone more knowledgeable can improve on them.
 

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. She seems to be on a path to self-destruction. Is this self-hatred?
Whilst she might be seeking self-destruction as a way to handle cognitive dissonance it may (more probably?) be an indication that she is in the early stages of her PA and "in-the-fog".

At this stage everything is shiny and new, the possibility of discovery is unthinkable and no-one is going to get hurt whilst she enjoys what she is convinced is simply the chance to "be herself" - quite possibly with the "love-of-her-life".

Now is when you must get things sorted. You must get competent professional advice but IMO you should see her as an enemy - if only because that is how she will see you as soon as she thinks you are destroying her dreams.

You sound somewhat conflict-avoidant. That is the way to get ripped off. Seize, through your solicitor, the situation, don't let her argue or shout - simply refer her to your legal adviser but don't, whatever you do and however it frightens you not to do, go for a quiet life. And don't disclose what and how you know to her.

As to your step-kids - frankly, if they take the side of a cheat rather than you - let them go - they are unworthy of your love, just as their mother is unworthy.

I kicked my XW out when I was nearer 50 than 40. It wasn't the end of my life, it was the event which lead to twenty-five years I wouldn't swap.
 

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Fully agree with the sentiment - but in England he should visit a solicitor.

For future reference - in England - normally a member of the public deals with a solicitor. Solicitors are the advice givers and form fillers that usually deal with family matters. They tend to have offices in the town centre or in a modern edge-of-town office block.

Barristers are usually instructed by a solicitor and appear for the solicitor's client in court - they are the advocacy part of the legal profession - particularly higher courts as some solicitors will appear before magistrates in the lesser courts. Barristers operate within Chambers and wear wigs and gowns in court.

Layman's thoughts - no doubt someone more knowledgeable can improve on them.
Can you even begin to fathom what attorney's here in the States would look like wearing wigs?

Thanks so much for filling this Texas rube in!
 

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I wish there was a painless 10 program to protect yourself and exit infidelity. Unfortunately, you are in conflict with someone that will not treat you with love or respect - and being passive and overly acommodating makes you vulnerable. Being nice or passiveness in the face of betrayal is viewed as a free pass to take advantage of you.

If you have difficulty verbally confronting face to face (including to your kids), then consider putting your message in writing.

Cheaters all share certain personality characteristics, including: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lacking in empathy for their partner.

Save the evidence of the affair in a safe place. Your attorney may be able to use the evidence (and it's impact on her career) as a bargaining chip in divorce.
For example, it sounds like you paid for her career.

See your doctor and tell them what you told us. They can help you with sleep and stress.

Do not move out without first speaking with an attorney. Why? because the court may just assume you abandoned your family.

Generally nurses have many employment options.

Consider taking control and blowing up their convenient affair by insisting your wife find another job (away from the OM) or you will report her to HR.
That way she doesn't get fired - and you don't have to tolerate them working together.

Do the kids know that their mother committed adultery?

Where is she sleeping?

Why are you moving out?
 

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Discussion Starter #49
Do the kids know that their mother committed adultery?

Where is she sleeping?

Why are you moving out?

1. No, she hasn't admitted it. Although she's no longer denying it (to me, at least).

2. In the marital bed! I'm in the spare room.

3. We are in rented accommodation. This was meant to be temporary before we bought a house again. In the UK you typically sign a 6 month tenancy, this then rolls on if you wish to stay beyond the first 6 months, We moved here in October 2019, so the 6 months expires in early April. She has given 1 month's notice on the property so we have to be out by April 9th. She's secured a new place and so have I. We'll both be renting for the short term.
 

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Update: I'm in the UK and now posting at 08.07am.

Well I took the advice from so kill me and confronted her last night. It went something like this: "I know you're having an affair, you know it too. Why can't you just be honest for once and admit it? You've not only lied to me but our daughter, son, your family and friends too. You're caught up in so many lies I don't think you know what the truth is anymore". She obviously denied everything but with a shake of the head, she didn't verbalise anything. I pointed out a few red flags and other things. She said she'll "leave now then". Got in her car and disappeared.

Unbeknown to me our daughter heard all of this and started crying saying "Mum's gone, what have you done?". I felt bad, not liberated like I thought I would. I waited an hour and sent the wife a text, yeah I know but this was for my daughter, not me. I told her to come back and stay here until she's able to move to her new place (we're in a temporary rental), which she has sorted in the last few weeks. She replied: "We are in this situation because of me, I also don't want to make your life anymore unhappy or uncomfortable than I already have, I'm sorry. I will come back tomorrow and get my stuff, it's not fair on you for me to still be there. I just want to make sure [daughter] is okay, or try to make it better than it is right now. If I can't find somewhere then I would appreciate a few nights to sort something and I don't want [daughter] living out of a suitcase".

I replied that she should just stay here until we can both move out. I don't want to force financial hardship on her. I know that's weak but my daughter is going to live with her and I don't want her to suffer because of this.

I've no idea where she went but she's come back home at 7am. Straight to bed, not sure if she's going to go to work or is having the day off to sort her stuff out and move out.
@whistle, your wife doesn't want her daughter living out of a suitcase, but she was perfectly happy for her daughter to be living in a household riven and damaged by her being a liar and a cheater? :eek:

See all the best divorce solicitors in your town/area for a free initial consultation with each of them about your impending divorce.

You'll get a feel for which one is the best for you. As a byproduct of this it could mean they would not be able to act for your wife due to a potential conflict of interests. And as Sergeant Major Williams used to say in regards to this type of thing:-

 

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Whistle,

Here is a simple to-do list:

1.) Get in touch with a solicitor. Learn your rights and the procedures you need to follow. As most are telling you, you probably need to follow through with a divorce. This can be halted if she becomes truly repentant and remorseful.

2.) Start practicing the 180 Technique. It is to help you detach and start healing. You tried to nice her back and it always fails. No more trying to reason with her. Here is a link for the 180: https://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html

3.) Separate all finances. Take all credit cards that have your names on them and have them stopped. Take 50% of any savings and put it in a separate checking account. Change your will if you have one. Take her off all insurance policies as a beneficiary.

4.) Have yourself STD tested. This why we don't have sex with prostitutes. People with multiple sex partners carry diseases. Even if she hasn't been with anyone but the other man, there's no telling who he has been with.

5.) Try to get yourself in individual counseling. Protect your mental health.

6.) Do not have sex with her. This could be construed by a court as "forgiveness".

7.) Stop being a "Nice Guy". The saying is, "Nice guys finish last." Here is a link to "No More Mr. Nice Guy" free pdf version:
https://yourpdfs.com/no-more-mr-nice-guy-pdf/

8.) People are drawn to those who show courage, strength, and take decisive action. She and her children will recognize this later and will respect you for taking action against infidelity. Be that man and show them how to react to adversity.
 

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Hi everyone. This is long, apologies.

On 02/2/2020 my wife gave me the ILYBINILWY line ("I can't do this anymore I want a separation, I'm not happy"), out of the blue of course, just like so many others here. We've been together 22 years, married for 15 years (She's 50, I'm 43.) "I just want to be on my own, I'm so sorry but I'm not happy, blah blah blah"...

Me: "Is there Someone else?"
Her: "No, no way".
Me: "Emotional affair?"
Her "No, absolutely not. I just can't do this any more I want my own space and want to live on my own. I'm so sorry".

I moved into the spare room the next night, on a camp bed! Been there since, now secured a rental but can't move in until 31st March.

Soon after the d-bomb I was Googling like a madman. I thought I understood: I've been neglecting her needs, I haven't shown her love, haven't listened like I should have etc. You know the deal here, right?
.
Yeah they love to have that gaslighting, blame-you-garbage going on. We get such a constant stream of how lousy we are that we don't even question it.

Google "Female Mid-Life Crisis". It has absolutely zero to do with you - except you aren't at the top of your field and ranking in top percentile income (with her dependent on you)
 

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Brother, why are you letting her call he shots and ruin you in the process?
She has done nothing than make conscious decisions to lie, cheat, distort the truth and kill your reputation with your children and extended family, whilst you have supported her.
Start the hard 180 know, shine a light on her actions to the Nurses board, family, all who will listen. let her know you have been tested for STDs because of her actions
Stop feeding her actions.
Buffer
 

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Really, in all of this you are rating her Sexual Market Value? Yuck. How on Earth would you know anything about what her "value" is? OP should focus on himself, not what other men may or many not rate his soon to be ex as far as value.
common knowledge:

1 most of the OM are only willing to meet minimum of the WW needs to get NSAS.

2 this is why most OM dump the WW when she says my marriage is over I am all yours.

3 the OM do not want to buy the cow they just want the free milk.

4 hence the low market value placed on the WW.
 

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How old is your daughter?

Don't cover for your wife with kids or family.

"Mom has a boyfriend and does not want to be married to me."

Tell your family about her affair and any of her family who asks you what happened.
married people do not have BF or GF and go on dates with them.
well mom has a BF (insert OM name so the children know who the OM is)
and she has been going on dates with him.

this is known as having an affair, infidelity, cheating.


this is age appropriate for children 4 years old because the understand
BF/GF concept and of right from wrong and cheating. no gory details
are used.
 

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Discussion Starter #58 (Edited)
Just checking in on you. How are you doing?
Hi, thanks for asking. Haven't been here in a while because of this virus/lockdown. I've got other issues too now. I'm self employed and work has come to a complete stop so I have zero income at the moment. All of my savings have gone on securing a new property. I know it's similar for a lot of people but what with this infidelity too it feels like everything's against me at the moment.

I think it's been a few weeks since my last post so an update:

We're still under the same roof. I'm moving out next Tuesday (31st), WW and my daughter are due to move out on the 4th April. Tenancy for the current address ends soon after that. I've tried to be civil to keep my sanity and not to upset my daughter. But I haven't given up.

After I told her I know about her affair, and who with, I knew she'd go dark. One of the benefits of this forum. So I've got a GPS and VAR in the car, based on advice in other threads here. Amazingly!! after I confronted her there's no more working late, even coming back early sometimes. GPS confirms she's been going to work and straight home, no detours etc. Also, the lockdown in the UK has meant pubs and restaurants aren't open, so their favourite place is now out of bounds.

The VAR, though! Wow...even though I knew 100% she was cheating, I wasn't prepared for the punch in the guts on hearing it all for myself. Damn, I was shaking like a leaf and nauseous listening to their conversations. Also, what's weird (to me, at least), about 18 months ago I met OM. WW's best friend (of over 30 years) was dating him and we went out for drinks as a foursome. Yes, you've read that right, OM was dating WW's BEST FRIEND. Anyway, I'd assumed that she hadn't told her about her affair. Conversations on FB Messenger between the two didn't show that. But a telephone conversation, picked up by VAR, confirms her friend knew. Euuuggghhh, how can you fk your best mate's ex???? That's just way too disgusting for me to even consider. Show's the morals of the woman.

Also, VAR shows she's a pathological liar. She lies to everyone. Some little white lies, some big lies, but lies nonetheless. I've not had a chance to read into the psychological machinations but I think she may be living in a fantasy world and always trying to make her look like a perfect person to everyone she interacts with. You can see this from the phone conversations, it's like she has a different voice for different people. It's so weird, I thought I knew her, but I really don't. I read a quote the other day, along the lines of "you learn more about someone at the end of a relationship than you do at the beginning". Ain't that the truth.

I've now all the evidence I need. I'm biding my time. On Sunday/Monday evening I'm going to expose her. I'm leaving it until then as we're all living here and I can't deal with the fallout whilst we're all together and I'm stressing about no income/new flat to move into etc. So the timing is for me, not her. The solicitor (attorney) is closed due to the lockdown!!!, just the family law department, so can't file but I have it in hand. I've drafted a letter which I will give her on Sunday/Monday, detailing: I'm filing for divorce, aware of your affair, have evidence (not specified), had to have STD check, you haven't just lied to me but your whole family and everyone else. I'm giving her a choice: she tells daughter and son, and her side of the family the truth. If not, I show them the truth. Also, her workplace/HR/governing body (she's having an affair with a subordinate), all friends and phone contacts will be told.
 

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I'm giving her a choice: she tells daughter and son, and her side of the family the truth. If not, I show them the truth. Also, her workplace/HR/governing body (she's having an affair with a subordinate), all friends and phone contacts will be told.
I have some idea as to where you are emotionally - it sucks - bigly.

Don't make hasty decisions and rely on your solicitor for advice.

Now - some non-legally qualified advice from some one who spent 25 years with a pathological liar.

Your wife is now your enemy. Not because you want her to be so - because that is the way to protect yourself and those you love.

She will not tell anyone the truth. She probably doesn't understand why being truthful is such a big deal. If she is, as she sounds, a pathological liar - she doesn't lie (defining lying as saying something that you know to be untrue) - she simply states what her brain tells her is most likely to get her whatever she, in that instant, wants. If the facts disagree with what she says - they are wrong - "fake news".

If you want her to tell I recommend that you give her a deadline to tell - and then tell them yourself including showing the evidence. The truth will compete with her story - but it may lose out.

I'm a believer in getting the truth out there first - otherwise you will be trying to knock down the wall of untruth - especially about you - that she will have erected in their minds. She may have been building a view of you that distances you from those you care for for years. It's one of the characteristics of full-blown psychopathy. I was very close to my daughter until she was 10 - by 15 the wedge was hammered in - I've had no contact for nearly 20 years - I'm told she admits that she has no justification for shunning me - but the misinformation was so subtle, and for so long, that she cannot admit it happened. See my bio and PM me if you want me to share more.
 
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