Talk About Marriage banner

21 - 40 of 76 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
247 Posts
Hello whistle,

I'm sorry you found yourself in this position, my heart breaks for you. Regardless of any issues, she was either too cowardly or didn't respect you enough to be straight with you BEFORE screwing around. Thankfully you have your wits about you and are acting. I know the adrenaline and sheer fury at being betrayed in this manner demands answers and or retribution. Unfortunately, neither will happen, make peace with that. Judges do not give a **** about who did what. We simply don't live in a time where respect, consideration, and civility means much in society anymore. I had that rude awakening in Texas, you'd think it mattered in the South.

Feel what you feel, let it out, and please seek counseling, that's the best thing I ever did. At the end of the day, she threw you away, your love, loyalty, even her own children's respect means nothing to her. She is morally bankrupt and not worthy of you. Hold your head up high, and feel free to put the facts on blast to your social circle, that is, if you decide you don't want sloppy seconds. Let her OM take out the trash for you.

Please take care of yourself. Eat something, even if you have to choke it down. If you can, work out a little, or go for a massage. We'll be here at your disposal if you need a friend.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
Discussion Starter #22 (Edited)
Update: I'm in the UK and now posting at 08.07am.

Well I took the advice from so kill me and confronted her last night. It went something like this: "I know you're having an affair, you know it too. Why can't you just be honest for once and admit it? You've not only lied to me but our daughter, son, your family and friends too. You're caught up in so many lies I don't think you know what the truth is anymore". She obviously denied everything but with a shake of the head, she didn't verbalise anything. I pointed out a few red flags and other things. She said she'll "leave now then". Got in her car and disappeared.

Unbeknown to me our daughter heard all of this and started crying saying "Mum's gone, what have you done?". I felt bad, not liberated like I thought I would. I waited an hour and sent the wife a text, yeah I know but this was for my daughter, not me. I told her to come back and stay here until she's able to move to her new place (we're in a temporary rental), which she has sorted in the last few weeks. She replied: "We are in this situation because of me, I also don't want to make your life anymore unhappy or uncomfortable than I already have, I'm sorry. I will come back tomorrow and get my stuff, it's not fair on you for me to still be there. I just want to make sure [daughter] is okay, or try to make it better than it is right now. If I can't find somewhere then I would appreciate a few nights to sort something and I don't want [daughter] living out of a suitcase".

I replied that she should just stay here until we can both move out. I don't want to force financial hardship on her. I know that's weak but my daughter is going to live with her and I don't want her to suffer because of this.

I've no idea where she went but she's come back home at 7am. Straight to bed, not sure if she's going to go to work or is having the day off to sort her stuff out and move out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
537 Posts
I replied that she should just stay here until we can both move out. I don't want to force financial hardship on her. I know that's weak but my daughter is going to live with her and I don't want her to suffer because of this.

I've no idea where she went but she's come back home at 7am. Straight to bed, not sure if she's going to go to work or is having the day off to sort her stuff out and move out.
Its not weak to sort your issues out.

Just be wary of crocodile tears.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,229 Posts
Whistle,

You wrote, she has deleted her chat with Ian. Ha ha. It's kind of Orwellian really.

Insightful on your part, and I think the first time I saw someone make that connection in regards to cheaters. She who controls the past controls the future. It's in the gaslighting family of manipulations.

The OM in your case was a professional, similar to a pimp in that he gets what he can from women without caring about their well being. Your WW being married for a long time is a prime target, since being entirely selfish OM like that want women who are unlikely to talk and unlikely to have STDs.
Yup...and the OM is much more aware of who she really is.
She has no idea what kind of pain is coming her way.
OM will not keep her around long.
Then she's all alone and her SMV has dropped next to zero.
Stay the course...Divorce.
I wish I had 20 years ago....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,590 Posts
Whistle,

You wrote, she has deleted her chat with Ian. Ha ha. It's kind of Orwellian really.

Insightful on your part, and I think the first time I saw someone make that connection in regards to cheaters. She who controls the past controls the future. It's in the gaslighting family of manipulations.

The OM in your case was a professional, similar to a pimp in that he gets what he can from women without caring about their well being. Your WW being married for a long time is a prime target, since being entirely selfish OM like that want women who are unlikely to talk and unlikely to have STDs.
Yup...and the OM is much more aware of who she really is.
She has no idea what kind of pain is coming her way.
OM will not keep her around long.
Then she's all alone and her SMV has dropped next to zero.
Stay the course...Divorce.
I wish I had 20 years ago....
Really, in all of this you are rating her Sexual Market Value? Yuck. How on Earth would you know anything about what her "value" is? OP should focus on himself, not what other men may or many not rate his soon to be ex as far as value.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
742 Posts
IMO, your wife's reaction when confronted and her follow up text is an admission of adultery.
Do not accept any blame for her decision to cheat. There were always other options for her to deal with personal problems or marriage issues.

It's ok to give her time to find a place. You should always be civil to her.

Every thing that happens (e.g., exposure, shame/guilt/tears, her moving out, divorce) IS NOT something you did to your wife. Your wife did this to herself. Its a consequence of your wife's decision to chose adultery.

This is a lesson for your kids. Be aware that you are now a roll model (for your kids) for zero tolerance for adultery.

Treat her civilly but as just a roommate. Talk only about your kids or the divorce. Distance yourself with: separate sleeping arrangements, cook your own food, wash your own clothes, don't be her buddy/friend or listen to her fears,hopes & dreams.

Proactively start the divorce process and see an attorney. Get tested for STDs and separate bank accounts.

If she's still in contact (even just working with the OM), then the affair continues (at least in her head).

As reality sets in she may decide being single is not so great - and love bomb you. Just a note, if the subject of reconciling comes up. At a minimum, the OM and all her girlfriends that encouraged or covered up her affair must go.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
742 Posts
One more piece of advice.

DO NOT reveal the source of your information proving she's cheating.

Why? (1) because she'll learn to get better at covering her tracks;

ALSO, do not reveal how much you know.

Why? because cheaters only admit to what you already know; and her not knowing exactly what you know puts you in control and encourages the truth.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,033 Posts
I agree with the "Mom had a boyfriend statement", it's very good for your kid's future that you show them proper boundaries and sticking up for themselves but you need to become unemotional and clinical as best you can. This will be hard but it will keep you from giving of any hint of impropriety. When it comes to your kids the high road is where they are going to want to end up, that doesn't mean excusing her behavior. "Your Mom and I always told you not to lie, well she is doing the very opposite now. I need to protect my heart from that. I may not have been the best husband but I know I tried very hard to build a life for you and your Mom, I will never understand how she could do this to us and our family." It' also OK to show them how sad you are but when it comes to talking about their Mom you must be unemotional, do not attack her just use the truth to condemn her. Just speak the truth and do so unafraid but unemotional.

Now all of this is assuming you were not a louse of a husband and didn't cheat on her first. Believe me you wouldn't be the first who comes on here and doesn't tell the full story.

The sad thing is people grow apart, people don't always tend to their marriages the way they should. Spouses even plead with their partners to fix it before it's too late only to have those partners not listen and end of destroying the love that these people once had for them. That happens all the time in marriage. That is life, and not all that uncommon to marriage. But that doesn't excuse cheating. It's the disrespect and the lies, the disrespect even for yourself if you cheat that makes it awful. It's sad that your wife has done this. But you must protect yourself and you must detach. Like others are saying there is not going to be some type of closure that makes it make sense to you, at least in the short term.

Also you must have the courage to believe that you will have a happy life again one day.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,640 Posts
@whistle ~ Whoops, there it is!

You owe her absolutely nothing, but you do owe yourself a visit to the barristers office to help protect your rights!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,726 Posts
That is kind of the thing. Really if you want the best revenge if that is what it's really about, just wash you hand of her and your life with her. Don't let her tell you any lies, tell her you know she had an affair and she knows it too. Tell her you are sorry that she has become a person who would lie to someone who was faithful and loved her for 22 years. Whatever you were as a husband you didn't do this to her. And then move on. Make sure she knows that you don't need a wife like her.

Yes it sucks but really what do you hope to gain. Get a lawyer and know your rights. And don't hide the affair from your kids.
:iagree: with this here. Definitely don't hide her affair from anyone; not your kids, not her family, not her friends, no one in your lives. This is all on her, no one deserves to be cheated on.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
12,113 Posts
Really, in all of this you are rating her Sexual Market Value? Yuck. How on Earth would you know anything about what her "value" is? OP should focus on himself, not what other men may or many not rate his soon to be ex as far as value.
Our value is first assigned to us by our own internal calculation.
By her words and response, she feels guilt.

So, she 'presently' rates herself 'low', in this regard.

Any new man that she finds herself with, will certainly rate her 'lower' for her cheating. These past deeds have a way of surfacing at some point in the future.

Yes, this rating should be her moral rating, not her sexual value.
These are very different values.

I agree, OP needs to concentrate on his future and his daughter's future.
Leave the wife's future to her, alone.

To be honest, it is not the end of the world for either party.
These happenings are common and can be lived through.


THRD-
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19,268 Posts
Update: I'm in the UK and now posting at 08.07am.

Well I took the advice from so kill me and confronted her last night. It went something like this: "I know you're having an affair, you know it too. Why can't you just be honest for once and admit it? You've not only lied to me but our daughter, son, your family and friends too. You're caught up in so many lies I don't think you know what the truth is anymore". She obviously denied everything but with a shake of the head, she didn't verbalise anything. I pointed out a few red flags and other things. She said she'll "leave now then". Got in her car and disappeared.

Unbeknown to me our daughter heard all of this and started crying saying "Mum's gone, what have you done?". I felt bad, not liberated like I thought I would. I waited an hour and sent the wife a text, yeah I know but this was for my daughter, not me. I told her to come back and stay here until she's able to move to her new place (we're in a temporary rental), which she has sorted in the last few weeks. She replied: "We are in this situation because of me, I also don't want to make your life anymore unhappy or uncomfortable than I already have, I'm sorry. I will come back tomorrow and get my stuff, it's not fair on you for me to still be there. I just want to make sure [daughter] is okay, or try to make it better than it is right now. If I can't find somewhere then I would appreciate a few nights to sort something and I don't want [daughter] living out of a suitcase".

I replied that she should just stay here until we can both move out. I don't want to force financial hardship on her. I know that's weak but my daughter is going to live with her and I don't want her to suffer because of this.

I've no idea where she went but she's come back home at 7am. Straight to bed, not sure if she's going to go to work or is having the day off to sort her stuff out and move out.
Lol.

Let her pack up and leave. She just abandoned her children. Go for sole custody. Document everything, talk to a lawyer immediately.

She’s trying to throw herself a pity party in public to make you feel bad for her, while in reality all she’s doing is running off to bone the dude while the getting’s good.

Change the locks. Inform the police that she has abandoned the marital home and her children. Document everything and get lawyers involved.

You just got handed a very clean case for you to come out of this with your assets intact and perhaps sole custody as well.

This is a gift horse. Don’t offer for her to come home again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,499 Posts
Why are people talking about reconciling? OPs wife told him she wants to separate, isn't happy, isn't in love with him.
All the cheating wives say that before they get caught. Its right out of the cheaters handbook . When they’ve been exposed though the tune is almost always reversed. Then comes the begging and pleading. She is hooking up with the company player who has been with many of the women there. He wants her long term like he wants a brain tumor💗🉑
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
111 Posts
As your wife is 50, I'm guessing she is menopausal.
A time when women re-evaluate their lives.
If she wasn't happy with you or the marriage, then this is the time it will blow up.
So yes, the being un happy with you because of your past behaviour, could very well be true, regardless of any affair, and not a case of rewriting history.

It could also be depression talking, that is so common in women going through this stage. And that could have been worked with if some douche bag hadn't seized his opportunity.

Once her fog has lifted, she will regret her involvement with him, and how much she has hurt you.
And this seems to be hitting home to her now, from your last post, when she admitted the situation you were now in, was her doing, and that she didn't want to make you any more unhappy or uncomfortable.

This is such a sad and nasty ending for you. Sorry you are going through this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19,268 Posts
PS:
I've no idea where she went but she's come back home at 7am. Straight to bed
You know where she went. To see the guy. And you know why she went straight to bed - because she's tired from her sexathon with the guy.

I'm not trying to be crass. I'm trying to get you to see your wife the way she really is. Encourage her to leave again, and this time, don't let her come back.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,590 Posts
PS:
I've no idea where she went but she's come back home at 7am. Straight to bed
You know where she went. To see the guy. And you know why she went straight to bed - because she's tired from her sexathon with the guy.

I'm not trying to be crass. I'm trying to get you to see your wife the way she really is. Encourage her to leave again, and this time, don't let her come back.
Nope. If they both own the house he can't "don't let her come back".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19,268 Posts
Nope. If they both own the house he can't "don't let her come back".
Talk to a lawyer about it. If she has abandoned the house and children with the intention not to return, a case might be made depending on your local laws. Especially if she has also abandoned the children - the primary goal is often to keep the children safe, and they can't be with a mother that abandons them and then comes and goes whenever she feels like it.

For example, when my father left my mom and had a new primary residence, he lost legal access to their house, even though he still owned it. As a marital asset it was divided in the divorce, however he couldn't come and go as he pleased in the time between when he left and when the assets were divested.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
98 Posts
The only person you need proof that She’s cheating for is you!!!

Since you know, what are you going to do now????

Don’t you deserve somebody better than someone who will lie and cheat on you???

Go see a lawyer and get out of this hell that she put you in!!!


Good luck and stay strong!
 
21 - 40 of 76 Posts
Top