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Hi everyone. This is long, apologies.

On 02/2/2020 my wife gave me the ILYBINILWY line ("I can't do this anymore I want a separation, I'm not happy"), out of the blue of course, just like so many others here. We've been together 22 years, married for 15 years (She's 50, I'm 43.) "I just want to be on my own, I'm so sorry but I'm not happy, blah blah blah"...

Me: "Is there Someone else?"
Her: "No, no way".
Me: "Emotional affair?"
Her "No, absolutely not. I just can't do this any more I want my own space and want to live on my own. I'm so sorry".

I moved into the spare room the next night, on a camp bed! Been there since, now secured a rental but can't move in until 31st March.

Soon after the d-bomb I was Googling like a madman. I thought I understood: I've been neglecting her needs, I haven't shown her love, haven't listened like I should have etc. You know the deal here, right?

So I changed my ways straight away, washing, cooking, cleaning, smiling, enthusiastic... Nothing!

Time went on, I was doing the 180 as I saw fit, still nothing.

Then, I snooped. Fk it, nothing was adding up. I found her FB log in details and logged into her messenger account. Oh **** me. An EA with a colleague has turned into a PA, I'll call him Ian, because that's his name!. This guy, btw, dated her best mate (of 30 years) about two years ago. She's mentioned to me before that he's a bit of a slag around work and has had most of the women. The conversations, which went back about 18 months, showed a friendship that developed into a lot more... *****. He was coming round our house when I was at work for "coffee", and going on dog walks with my ****ing dog!!!!!!

To be fair the FB cache didn't really uncover an affair, there was no "I love you's, I wanna fk you" etc...Think they've taken that to text or something else.

So I snooped again, found her bank account login details and a credit card. She's only been going to a local pub (off the beaten track) for drinks etc. on days where she's been "really busy at work". Also, there was a debit for a pub close to his house for £53, on a day that she should have been at work. Obviously a nice bit of lunch and a couple of drinks. Fk me, she seems to be paying for everything but always complains to me that she's got no money. Mind you, this bloke is now in his second bankruptcy. Yeah, a real morally upstanding citizen, what a catch.

Looking back now there were lots of red flags. Protestations about her sister's infidelity, cringing at the thought of having a relationship with someone at work etc...Plus a few more.

Last Saturday Ian had a leaving do, he's going to a new job. She went out (she, at this point doesn't know what I know), and planned to stay with her female friend overnight!! She came home about 2pm on Sunday and put all her clothes straight in the wash. She was slow though, I emptied the wash to put in the dryer. Yep! sexy lingerie that I had bought her. Never wears that any other time.

Chatting on Sunday night I asked her about her friend's place, that she claimed she stayed at, her eyes were wandering all over the place. I knew she was lying. My stomach punched.

Monday, I checked the FB messenger again. A couple of messages from some women she was out with on Saturday night "did you get home okay?" "Yes", she replied. Lying *****, didn't get home until Sunday afternoon.

Monday night, I knew she would come into my bedroom to ask about tea. So I had a webpage open " 7 ways to tell your wife is cheating". I left it in full view. She clocked it and her face hit the floor. I stifled my grin. Waited 5 mins and went downstairs, it looked like she'd been punched in the guts. Guilt! That's a good enough sign for me.

After tea she brought this up. Just more lies and blameshifting. I accused her of having an affair with Ian, she denied it point blank "he's just a friend". Twenty minutes later she offered her phone to me to look at anything I want. I declined. Later searching her FB messenger, she has deleted her chat with Ian. Ha ha. It's kind of Orwellian really.

Tuesday and tonight (Wednesday) she's come home from work at her normal time, not like the last few week where she's been "so busy" and not getting home till 8-9pm. But her disposition has changed. She knows she's been rumbled and the guilt is killing her. Looks at the floor all the time and always looks like she's close to tears.

Today, I've received a GPS tracker. It's going in her car tomorrow morning. I will catch this ***** cheating. She has put all the blame for this on me. I felt like a useless husband. My daughter and step-son know their mother isn't happy (because of me!). She's told the same story to her siblings and elderly mother. And all of her friends too. Fk me, I've even told my Mum and sisters that she doesn't love me any more because of my shortcomings as a husband. 22 fkng years and she wants to end it like this!!! Well if she wants a war she better be well armed cos I'm ready for nuclear war.




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You should just give her papers and get it over with. Ghost her, she deserves it and you deserve better.

I am convinced as soon as you get ILYBINILWY you should divorce the next day.
Ghost her? What does that mean? Thanks
 

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Means, leave the papers and don't talk to her or answer her calls for a few weeks or forever. Be gone like a ghost. Let her suffer. Thing is and I am sorry to say this it sounds like your wife has emotionally moved on. She may feel sorry and be guilty but the damage is done at this point. I think the best you can do is use her guilt to get the best divorce deal you can.

It sucks but people do awful things, to people they supposedly loved at one time.

The whole ILYBINILWY speech is usually said at the end. There may have been other times where she tried to tell you she was unhappy but once you get to those words in my experience the marriage is done.

I am very sorry. It sucks, but you should know that you will survive and you can still have joy again.

Also I would not cover for her, but I also wouldn't expect that even if you catch her red handed it will do anything but show that all her complaints about you were hedging her bets. This very well may be an exit affair. It's a terrible thing to do to someone.
 

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Means, leave the papers and don't talk to her or answer her calls for a few weeks or forever. Be gone like a ghost. Let her suffer. Thing is and I am sorry to say this it sounds like your wife has emotionally moved on. She may feel sorry and be guilty but the damage is done at this point. I think the best you can do is use her guilt to get the best divorce deal you can.

It sucks but people do awful things, to people they supposedly loved at one time.

The whole ILYBINILWY speech is usually said at the end. There may have been other times where she tried to tell you she was unhappy but once you get to those words in my experience the marriage is done.

I am very sorry. It sucks, but you should know that you will survive and you can still have joy again.

Also I would not cover for her.
Thanks for taking the time to comment, your words, whilst direct, are very helpful. This is what I needed to hear. Thanks.
 

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Today, I've received a GPS tracker. It's going in her car tomorrow morning. I will catch this ***** cheating. She has put all the blame for this on me. I felt like a useless husband. My daughter and step-son know their mother isn't happy (because of me!). She's told the same story to her siblings and elderly mother. And all of her friends too. Fk me, I've even told my Mum and sisters that she doesn't love me any more because of my shortcomings as a husband. 22 fkng years and she wants to end it like this!!! Well if she wants a war she better be well armed cos I'm ready for nuclear war.




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Why bother?

You won't likely get anything from it. It sounds like there is nothing that can convince you that she is not cheating.

Cut your losses and get on with life.
 

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Why bother?

You won't likely get anything from it. It sounds like there is nothing that can convince you that she is not cheating.

Cut your losses and get on with life.
That is kind of the thing. Really if you want the best revenge if that is what it's really about, just wash you hand of her and your life with her. Don't let her tell you any lies, tell her you know she had an affair and she knows it too. Tell her you are sorry that she has become a person who would lie to someone who was faithful and loved her for 22 years. Whatever you were as a husband you didn't do this to her. And then move on. Make sure she knows that you don't need a wife like her.

Yes it sucks but really what do you hope to gain. Get a lawyer and know your rights. And don't hide the affair from your kids.
 

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Fair point, but I need her to know that I know. She's told so many lies that I want her to face the truth. I also need the truth.
This is fair and understandable. Just don't assume it's going to make her run back to you. Your wife is a different person now then she once was. Again in my experience from reading these sites though very painful it's easier for the folks who come to terms with that quicker then the ones who do slowly.

In a lot of ways it's like cancer, you have to cut it out sooner or later, you can do it quick or you can do it slow but no amount of wishing and hoping is going to put the genie back in the bottle.
 

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Why bother?

You won't likely get anything from it. It sounds like there is nothing that can convince you that she is not cheating.

Cut your losses and get on with life.
Fair point, but I need her to know that I know. She's told so many lies that I want her to face the truth. I also need the truth.
You are never going too get the truth. Take it from me, someone who has been in your shoes.

Your best option is to cut and run. Serve her the papers and get out. Work on yourself, make yourself happy again.
 

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Yes, correct ALL of the lies she's been telling everyone and convinced YOU -- set that straight with everyone, and tell everyone that SHE had an affair. No reason to let it hide in the shadows -- let everyone know that SHE was the problem. Make sure that her telling THEM was to justify her affair and that NONE of it was real.

FIRST -- get to a lawyer and get everything set in a plan.
 

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Don’t bother with the GPS.

Take backups of the data you’ve found. Call a lawyer, get your stuff sorted.

Tell your support system that there’s another dude. Don’t tell your wife that you know.

When the separation agreement happens, if she tries something that is unfair, tell your wife that you have ample evidence of the affair, and that if she doesn’t play fair in the divorce, it goes to everyone she knows.

Only use this tactic if she’s being unfair. Use it only to make sure she is fair and nothing more.

You want out, and you want to move on. With your head held high.

And from a guy that’s been there, you will never know the whole truth. She may have been lying so long that she doesn’t even know what the truth is anymore.

Focus on getting out and protecting your assets, not getting even.
 

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YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER DECISION TO CHEAT.

Do not respond to her attempts to blame shift (or claim that you invaded her privacy).

Every marriage has issues but she is 100% responsible for her decision to cope by cheating. Instead respond with something like: "I'm sorry you feel that way but you had other options for dealing with marriage issues (...or her personal problems) - but instead you choose to cheat.

The most effective initial response to protect yourself (and save your marriage if that’s what you want) is the same whether you ultimately decide to by R or D. First, in order to be taken seriously they must believe that you are prepared to divorce (bluff if necessary).

You're in shock from her betrayal (google PTSD) and it will be months before you can think straight. Research the 180 (it's not intended to punish her but rather to give you space while you decide whether to R or D). Inform her that your initial reaction is to divorce, but you're giving yourself 90 days (extend as necessary) to calm down before making a final decision.

Do not do the "Pick Me Dance" or cry in front of her or beg (or respond to their outrage & counter attacks). It doesn’t work (just the opposite). Experience shows that you’ll be viewed as ‘weak’. In their current state of mind, weakness is interpreted as a free pass to continue the affair.

A spouse (and marriage life in general), can never compete with the emotional excitement of an AP, the high from the AP’s compliments, feeling young again, and the false mental image of the ‘perfect’ fantasy lover/partner created by your spouse.

Second, if there's any interest for R on her part, insist on NO CONTACT (NC) with the AP. That means she quits her job. NC is non-negotiable. Why? Because every time they see each other or speak the mental affair fantasy continues. Once a friendship has been romanticized or sexualized there must be no further contact.

Third, insist on a timeline (subject to a polygraph test). Why? First, psychologically writing it all down converts their romantic memories of the affair into the ugly reality of betrayal/infidelity. Second, you can’t forgive or truly grant the gift of R until you know what happened. Third, the prospect of a polygraph saves time. Once you confront a cheater they go into self-protect mode and: only disclose what you already know, lie, minimize, withhold information, and often attack you for not trusting them (or spying on them). It doesn’t matter if you believe that polygraphs are accurate (only that the cheater believes you do).

Fourth, get yourself tested for STDs

Fifth, see your attorney (the first hour is often free) to learn how divorce will impact you.

Sixth, separate your bank accounts and change your life insurance

Seventh, affairs die when exposed. Public exposure is one of the few consequences a cheater experiences. Do not warn your wife in advance of exposing her affair (she'll discredit you). If the OM is married notify the OBS. Consider exposing her affair to employer, family, friends, and church.
 

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Fair point, but I need her to know that I know. She's told so many lies that I want her to face the truth. I also need the truth.
I'm so sorry that you have had this situation forced on you.

Echoing others - get a lawyer - if there are shared assets and income variances you need to get as much protection as you can. The earlier you can get an agreement (assuming you can) the better it may be for you - she is possibly too immersed in her A to be the bitter spouse most cheats become when called out.

And no - you will not get "the truth" - a few admissions may be - mainly those you are assumed to know already - but "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth" - sorry - no chance. Cheats rewrite history to justify their betrayal - it becomes real to them and the truth is the first casualty.

Now - there are clues that you reside the same side of the pond as I. If so - much of the detail you have been offered may be inapplicable - the advice here tends to be direct and sometimes uncompromising but is worth reading - it comes from people who have experienced similar crises. Almost certainly you are in shock, your thinking may reflect that but talking urgently with an experienced lawyer means that you can get expert local guidance.

I wish you well.
 

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It sucks that she is involved with someone else. But she did tell you last month that she isn't happy and wants to separate. Too bad she didn't tell you BEFORE she got involved with someone else, but she's told you now, so let the relationship go! Prepare to separate and divorce. Don't waste time trying to prove her cheating or tracking her, etc. unless it can definitely change the financial outcome of your divorce where you live (check in with an attorney about that).
 

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Whistle,

You wrote, she has deleted her chat with Ian. Ha ha. It's kind of Orwellian really.

Insightful on your part, and I think the first time I saw someone make that connection in regards to cheaters. She who controls the past controls the future. It's in the gaslighting family of manipulations.

The OM in your case was a professional, similar to a pimp in that he gets what he can from women without caring about their well being. Your WW being married for a long time is a prime target, since being entirely selfish OM like that want women who are unlikely to talk and unlikely to have STDs.
 

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I am unclear what your objective is. Do you wish to reconcile or D? My advice if you wish to R is EXPOSURE! Nothing kills an affair like exposure.
Is Ian married? If so contact his wife. Now as for you, your WW needs a does of reality. Get a lawyer and have her served as soon as possible.
Keep her in suspense. Simply leave your house at night and if she asks where your reply is “out”.

If you have no desire for R, just kick her ass to the curb. Be a man!
 

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Whistle, forgive her and get rid of her my man. You're 43. Find you a chick that's more your age; like 34-35. :wink2:
 

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I am unclear what your objective is. Do you wish to reconcile or D? My advice if you wish to R is EXPOSURE! Nothing kills an affair like exposure.
Is Ian married? If so contact his wife. Now as for you, your WW needs a does of reality. Get a lawyer and have her served as soon as possible.
Keep her in suspense. Simply leave your house at night and if she asks where your reply is “out”.

If you have no desire for R, just kick her ass to the curb. Be a man!
Why are people talking about reconciling? OPs wife told him she wants to separate, isn't happy, isn't in love with him.
 
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