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I have been with my wife for 12 years and married for over 7. Through my investigations I have recently found she cheated on me. She has carried on a 6 month affair with another married man that ended in early December. I am confident it is over. I confronted her and I believe she has been truthful on what exactly has occurred.
Why did she cheat? I most certainly have not given her what she has needed in a very long time and I take full responsibility for my short comings as a husband. This of course does not justify the infidelity. I do not know how but I feel a sense that I might actually be able to forgive her some day and I still love her. We have done more talking in the last 5 days than we had done in the previous 9 years it feels like. Some of the conversations not good as I question what she did exactly and some of the conversations are good as I realize that we have wanted many of the same things but just lacked the tools to give them to each other.
I believe we are heading on a path to reconciliation.
Now for my question. Although in the end, my wife was a willfull participant in this affair it appears to me he was the initial aggressor. She gave into his manipulation as he played on the simple things that I wasn't giving her. A predator almost. There needs to be consequences for everyone in this situation.

1- Me - my wife cheated as a result of my failure to serve her emotional needs.
2- My wife - she got caught and has risked potential divorce
3- The other man - ? Nothing

I have the ability to contact the other mans wife and I have details about him and also a few emails from my wife to him. I also know that he has cheated on his wife in the past and that she knows about it. Im fairly confident she doesn't know about my wife though. I want to call her and tell her what else her husband had been doing from June until December 2012. We will then all have consequences. Basically I want revenge.
 

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While I don't condone executing our own vengeance, that particular sentiment must be temporarily curbed because something much more important confronts us right now:

The wife needs to know. Please, please tell her. Now.
 

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I never saw a question in all of that??? However, I can comment that I wish you the best of luck with R, and its sounds like you are happy with her new behavior as the communication lines have opened up beyond what they have ever been in your marriage. Communication is the key to all successful relationships!

Having said that, yes communicate with his wife that he has betrayed her again, do your part of the healing process for them, you owe him that.
 

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The wife needs to know, tell her.
Revenge feels good. Tell her.
What is your wife going to do to pay for her transgression? Or are,you going to let her get away with: "I'll be a good girl from now on"
 

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The wife needs to know, tell her.
Revenge feels good. Tell her.
What is your wife going to do to pay for her transgression? Or are,you going to let her get away with: "I'll be a good girl from now on"
Yep, if you do reconcile, your wife needs to have consequences as well. If the guy works with her, she has to quit her job or transfer. If they met when she was out on a girls night out (GNO), then no more GNOs. If it started over Facebook, then she needs to give you access to her Facebook account, email account, etc (she should do that anyway). Etc, etc.
 

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.

1- Me - my wife cheated as a result of my failure to serve her emotional needs.
2- My wife - she got caught and has risked potential divorce
3- The other man - ? Nothing
You had a consequence for your part of a failing marriage.

But like a thief who risks jail & gets caught - yet avoids jail/fines, your wife has not seen any consequence for either (1) her part of the failing marriage or (2) her part in the affair - regardless of who initiated the affair.

I'm not advocating you make her "suffer a consequence", I just want you to process your thoughts clearly. So if 'risking divorce' was a consequence for her, it's the same as saying "risking prison" is the consequence for commiting crimes. The "risk" is not a consequence at all.

Be that as it may, TELL HER.
 

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You need to tell the wife by phone or in person so that her WH cant intercept an email from you. She needs to know! Especially if he's done it in the past.
 

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I have been with my wife for 12 years and married for over 7. Through my investigations I have recently found she cheated on me. She has carried on a 6 month affair with another married man that ended in early December. I am confident it is over. I confronted her and I believe she has been truthful on what exactly has occurred.
Why did she cheat? I most certainly have not given her what she has needed in a very long time and I take full responsibility for my short comings as a husband. This of course does not justify the infidelity. I do not know how but I feel a sense that I might actually be able to forgive her some day and I still love her. We have done more talking in the last 5 days than we had done in the previous 9 years it feels like. Some of the conversations not good as I question what she did exactly and some of the conversations are good as I realize that we have wanted many of the same things but just lacked the tools to give them to each other.
I believe we are heading on a path to reconciliation.
Now for my question. Although in the end, my wife was a willfull participant in this affair it appears to me he was the initial aggressor. She gave into his manipulation as he played on the simple things that I wasn't giving her. A predator almost. There needs to be consequences for everyone in this situation.

1- Me - my wife cheated as a result of my failure to serve her emotional needs.
2- My wife - she got caught and has risked potential divorce
3- The other man - ? Nothing

I have the ability to contact the other mans wife and I have details about him and also a few emails from my wife to him. I also know that he has cheated on his wife in the past and that she knows about it. Im fairly confident she doesn't know about my wife though. I want to call her and tell her what else her husband had been doing from June until December 2012. We will then all have consequences. Basically I want revenge.
How are you verifying that the affair is over? Many times we see thta the affair goes underground it ths APs think a spouse is suspicous.
 

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Leo She has the right to know so she can make an informed decision as to stay or go. More important AP's do not go away on there own. At some point he would come looking for your wife again. It is called fishing. When you expose the A to sunlight any fog left will just disapate. The POS OM's W will rag his ass hard causing him pain. It will also reinforce the stay away from my wife as well

Your wife will get angry with you when you expose. That is because she was at least for 6 months hiding the A and protecting herself and him. She will go back to that mode for a short term.

It is best for you to expose and stomp out the last of the embers from both parties
 

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I have been with my wife for 12 years and married for over 7. Through my investigations I have recently found she cheated on me. She has carried on a 6 month affair with another married man that ended in early December. I am confident it is over. I confronted her and I believe she has been truthful on what exactly has occurred.
Why did she cheat? I most certainly have not given her what she has needed in a very long time and I take full responsibility for my short comings as a husband. This of course does not justify the infidelity. I do not know how but I feel a sense that I might actually be able to forgive her some day and I still love her. We have done more talking in the last 5 days than we had done in the previous 9 years it feels like. Some of the conversations not good as I question what she did exactly and some of the conversations are good as I realize that we have wanted many of the same things but just lacked the tools to give them to each other.
I believe we are heading on a path to reconciliation.
Now for my question. Although in the end, my wife was a willfull participant in this affair it appears to me he was the initial aggressor. She gave into his manipulation as he played on the simple things that I wasn't giving her. A predator almost. There needs to be consequences for everyone in this situation.

1- Me - my wife cheated as a result of my failure to serve her emotional needs.
2- My wife - she got caught and has risked potential divorce
3- The other man - ? Nothing

I have the ability to contact the other mans wife and I have details about him and also a few emails from my wife to him. I also know that he has cheated on his wife in the past and that she knows about it. Im fairly confident she doesn't know about my wife though. I want to call her and tell her what else her husband had been doing from June until December 2012. We will then all have consequences. Basically I want revenge.
I think you want accountability. But indeed you have every right for revenge as a predator has helped kill your marriage as it was. If you reconsile it will be a different marriage. You have lost the old one forever. He basically poached your wife.

But beyond you holding him accountable his wife needs to know.

This does not mean you cannot hold your wife accountable, but you are trying to R with her and not him.

Expose the affair. This is also part of the consequences for your wife. Otherwise the OM is still lurking unscathed.

But you cannot rug sweep this. You are not to blame. Do not let her use her sexual activities manipulate you so you will meet her needs. Remember an affair partner does not heavy lifting. It is a fantasy. They only have to meet a few needs and many of those are just about brain chemicals and a real fantasy.

Do His Needs Her Needs together. But do not accept that you pushed your wife into an affair. That is blame shifting if she does this. You can be a near perfect husband and still have a wife that cake eats.
 

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Your story mirrors mine exactly. Best of luck. We are working on R and it's going well. Sadly, the pain of your wife's betrayal will never fully go away. It's hands down the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

Stay strong my friend.
 

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No, your wife cheating was not the consequence of your failure in the marriage. A bad marriage is the consequence of your failings in the relationship. The cheating was a whole additional choice she made.

She could have chosen to talk to you. She could have told you she was not happy because of XYZ. She could have simply filed for divorce without saying anything at all. She could have suffered in silence and you both could have bumped along in a cruddy marriage.

Those are all consequences you would have deserved from being a poor partner. (I say that knowing I was a poor partner myself).

So don't beat yourself up thinking you somehow "deserve" the pain from her infidelity. You did not earn that. The pain is her special gift to you by her bad choices.
 

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Thor is right on to remind you the A is your wifes fault. No one made her the failings in the marriage but do not allow the A to be swept under the rug
 

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Why did she cheat? I most certainly have not given her what she has needed in a very long time and I take full responsibility for my short comings as a husband. This of course does not justify the infidelity. I do not know how but I feel a sense that I might actually be able to forgive her some day and I still love her. We have done more talking in the last 5 days than we had done in the previous 9 years it feels like. Some of the conversations not good as I question what she did exactly and some of the conversations are good as I realize that we have wanted many of the same things but just lacked the tools to give them to each other.
Do not accept any blame for why she cheated. She did not cheat because of you not meeting her emotional needs. If you read other threads on this and other boards you will she that all cheaters use that excuse for their cheating. This is called blame shifting. No one is perfect, yet cheaters will hold their spouses to a standard of perfection that they do not hold to themselves because they want an excuse to cheat. If she really was unhappy she needed to talk to you and give you a fair chance. The very fact that you are so willing to accept blame and try harder to be a better spouse, proves that this excuse is not true because it shows that communication with you instead of cheating would have worked. You are both 50%-50% to blame for problems in your marriage. She as the cheater is 100% to blame for her cheating.

I believe we are heading on a path to reconciliation.
Wow you just found out, accepted false blame, and are ready to reconcile. Your wife is thinking that this is too easy. That she can do it again or continue the affair in a few months and that you will not leave her even if she gets caught again. She is thinking that next time she will work smarter at hiding it from you. Even if you want to reconcile, do not let her know this right now. Make her earn it by showing true remorse and by her actions. Also, for starters, demand full transparency, which includes knowing of all accounts and passwords.

Although in the end, my wife was a willfull participant in this affair it appears to me he was the initial aggressor. She gave into his manipulation as he played on the simple things that I wasn't giving her. A predator almost.
Although it makes you feel better, he is not some kind of special predator. He is just a normal man trolling for sex and your wife willingly took the bait. If not him it would have been another guy for reasons that you will never know if you accept this predator theory as fact.
 
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