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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Monday, I allowed my 17 year old son to drive my vehicle to pick up my 4 year old son from school. The 17 year old has to do some errands and drive a friend. I said ok and he took little brother with him. My husband works night shift and woke up at 4 asking where everyone was. I explained picking up 4 year old and running errands. My H was upset I lent my vehicle. I pay for everything on that vehicle, my name only. I started getting b!tched out for spoiling him by letting him drive my vehicle. When asked what kind of errands, I said pay a parking ticket and left out the picking up friend. Well lo and behold the boys come home with this friend. Well this was Monday and other than necessary talk about our boys and him b!tching me out about being a liar and bad mom and preferring my older boy to younger ones, he hasn't spoken to me. I admitted I left out about picking up friend because of him always lecturing me, but is it worth a 4 day silent treatment? I know withholding information isn't good but man am I sick of the lectures over dumb things. I feel like I can't take a full breath and our kids are acting up under the tension. I am so worn down.
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Marriage comes first. Parents need to agree and be on the same team or the whole chain of command breaks down. Seems that there are battles worth fighting, but not around the troops.

Appologies go a long way and one of you needs to take the first step. I personally would worry having a 17 year old who's chances of a reck are much much higher than the average, and goes up even higher with a friend in the car distracting the driver, driving the 4 year old. Yikes.

That may just be me. I would seek the chance to fix this and clear the air. Can you two seek MC?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Marriage comes first. Parents need to agree and be on the same team or the whole chain of command breaks down. Seems that there are battles worth fighting, but not around the troops.

Appologies go a long way and one of you needs to take the first step. I personally would worry having a 17 year old who's chances of a reck are much much higher than the average, and goes up even higher with a friend in the car distracting the driver, driving the 4 year old. Yikes.

That may just be me. I would seek the chance to fix this and clear the air. Can you two seek MC?

The irony is it would have been fine had my son taken his own car. The issue my husband has is that it was my car. Our older boy picks up the young one almost every day. I do get your point and I know withholding it was passive aggressive. I just feel he is a control freak and sometimes I don't feel like the fight. Tried MC and as soon as it becomes work, he quits.
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Wow, a four day silent treatment? That's harsh. I'm an absolute wreck if I get the silent treatment for a few hours!

I've discovered that, at least with my husband, it's important for me to initiate things. If he goes silent, I do too for a while. But then I go tell him how much I love him and can't stand not talking, and things usually get better.
 

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The issue is not the picking up the friend or lending your car...it's your husbands lack of communication skills.

Until that is addressed this will probably happen again and again...it becomes the default response to 'being mad'.

OP I'd be reading up on silent treatment/stonewalling to get a good understanding of what your H is thinking and find ways to deal with him. He won't change unless you (or someone) forces him to. He feels too justified in his anger right now.
 

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The irony is it would have been fine had my son taken his own car. The issue my husband has is that it was my car.
So what does your husband find wrong with your car versus his car???

... I know withholding it was passive aggressive. I just feel he is a control freak and sometimes I don't feel like the fight. Tried MC and as soon as it becomes work, he quits.
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Yes, it was passive aggressive; however, you are getting b!tched at - according to you - by your husband for just about everything. I am only hearing your side, but it sounds bad to me.

There are a number of spouses who come on here regularly with complaints about a controlling partner. If it's as bad as it sounds to me, I keep wondering why anyone would marry and have children with someone like this.

Sorry if I sound dumb or sarcastic; that is not my intent. It's just that I read so many posts where the scenario is very familiar. One partner sounds over-the-top controlling to the point that they strike me as unbalanced.

Do you think your husband is unbalanced? Is he basically a jerk? If so, what is it that keeps you with someone like this? And I'm asking this questions with a sincere motivation to understand.
 

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Well this was Monday and other than necessary talk about our boys and him b!tching me out about being a liar and bad mom and preferring my older boy to younger ones, he hasn't spoken to me. I admitted I left out about picking up friend because of him always lecturing me, but is it worth a 4 day silent treatment? I know withholding information isn't good but man am I sick of the lectures over dumb things. I feel like I can't take a full breath and our kids are acting up under the tension. I am so worn down.
Hi Golfergirl,

how often do you get the silent treatment?

My wife used the silent treatment a lot before I started setting boundaries. She also used to lecture me a lot about silly/easy things.
That was because I was too "passive" and I was "walking on eggshells".
Now she still gives me the silent treatment but the duration (from one full day to about one-two hours now) and frequency has decreased a lot .

I made it clear (and it's the truth) that this sort of behaviour from her is a big turn off for me, and that is creating a distance between us.
During the silent treatment I no longer feel "guilty" or "responsible" for her ignoring me, I find something fun to do, watch a comedy, something that makes me laugh and somehow "disconnects" me from those negative feelings.
I also started setting boundaries (no name calling, I call her out when she sh!t tests me etc..) and things are improving. Things are still not "normal" (for my definition of normal..) but are looking up.

Don't give up.
 

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Marriage comes first. Parents need to agree and be on the same team or the whole chain of command breaks down. Seems that there are battles worth fighting, but not around the troops.

Appologies go a long way and one of you needs to take the first step. I personally would worry having a 17 year old who's chances of a reck are much much higher than the average, and goes up even higher with a friend in the car distracting the driver, driving the 4 year old. Yikes.

That may just be me. I would seek the chance to fix this and clear the air. Can you two seek MC?
I was thinking the same thing. We never let our oldest drive around with our youngest just for that reason.
 

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gg, you had every right to allow your son to use your vehicle. He is 17, this is how he will learn responsibility. If your H has a problem with the way you are raising all your children he needs to take an active part in leading, and stonewalling is the opposite direction. If there is a way your H would rather you have dealt with the "situation" (it's not even a situation, just family members doing family member kind of stuff") it is up to him to say it. Also, the roads are treacherous around these parts and most vehicles that are owned by 17 year olds are barely roadworthy and don't have good tires, if that is the case that is another factor you probably considered in your decision making?

Anyways, you did nothing wrong, if your H thinks you did then it is up to him to communicate his explanation and if it is reasonable you should respect and honor it.

Good luck, I can't imagine how infuriating it is for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 · (Edited)
So what does your husband find wrong with your car versus his car???



Yes, it was passive aggressive; however, you are getting b!tched at - according to you - by your husband for just about everything. I am only hearing your side, but it sounds bad to me.

There are a number of spouses who come on here regularly with complaints about a controlling partner. If it's as bad as it sounds to me, I keep wondering why anyone would marry and have children with someone like this.

Sorry if I sound dumb or sarcastic; that is not my intent. It's just that I read so many posts where the scenario is very familiar. One partner sounds over-the-top controlling to the point that they strike me as unbalanced.

Do you think your husband is unbalanced? Is he basically a jerk? If so, what is it that keeps you with someone like this? And I'm asking this questions with a sincere motivation to understand.
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I married too fast. We ran in similar circles and everyone said what a great guy he was. He was awesome to my two kids (20 and 17 - then 13 and 10). After we married had a few blow ups but not ridiculous, and it's been past two and a half years things just blow up. I don't know if it's me finding my voice or him feeling confident I'm not going anywhere. It's been the past year this blow up over stupid things and week long silent treatment peppered with verbal abuse kicked in. It's my second kick at the cat with an abusive spouse and I'm terrified of a split with 50/50 custody. I find him harsh with the kids and doesn't do a thing with them. No swimming, movies, bowling, visiting, play dates - games or books - nothing. He parks in the recliner and considers watching a TV show they like interacting. When in a good mood, he's still not as involved as I would like. It's like he's annoyed with himself or life and wait for an excuse to blow. If I don't provide a reason he makes one up. Like Wesnesday he made a dentist appointment for everyone but me then was annoyed I didn't take time off work to help with kids at dentist office. He never asked and I've done it alone so didn't occur to me. Or I was 15 minutes late from work because I wa s filling in for a new duty and needed extra time to close out day. I warned him in advance - still mad. His behaviour is escalating. Frog in boiling water. We're up to swearing at me and yelling in front of kids. I am just so tired. I don't want to share my kids. I don't want to worry about them when with their dad. I don't want to move and I just need to get past this tantrum and present my boundary. This isn't acceptable and it's affecting my kids. I just want peace.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I was thinking the same thing. We never let our oldest drive around with our youngest just for that reason.
If that was his issue I would get it, but he asks my son to drive the 4 year old every day. He even lets him take his vehicle. He was mad that I offered mine. I only did because our son takes the brother at least 6 trips a week and I thought it would be decent for him to use my gas for once. It's very back roads to school and while accidents can happen to anyone, it was a mutual decision that he be allowed to drive - it was the choice of vehicle that was issue.
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
gg, you had every right to allow your son to use your vehicle. He is 17, this is how he will learn responsibility. If your H has a problem with the way you are raising all your children he needs to take an active part in leading, and stonewalling is the opposite direction. If there is a way your H would rather you have dealt with the "situation" (it's not even a situation, just family members doing family member kind of stuff") it is up to him to say it. Also, the roads are treacherous around these parts and most vehicles that are owned by 17 year olds are barely roadworthy and don't have good tires, if that is the case that is another factor you probably considered in your decision making?

Anyways, you did nothing wrong, if your H thinks you did then it is up to him to communicate his explanation and if it is reasonable you should respect and honor it.

Good luck, I can't imagine how infuriating it is for you.
Thank you and it is infuriating and frustrating. It's like I just learn the 'rules' and they change. I do see some BPD traits in him with how I go from the love of his life to a lying, cheating, money-hiding cold-hearted b!tch. It's like he tells the world how awesome I am and privately treats me very poorly half the time. Friends think he's easy-going and fun while he's tightly wound with serious control issues.
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Don't let the husband control you. It just gets worse. Do what you think is right and ignore his silent treatment - Act like it's actually good for you. He will get bored when there will be no reaction - it's the same logic like with kids - they only desperate want what the can't have.
 
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