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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I would like to say first and foremost, I've been reading around here for a few hours and really like some of the comments and advice I've seen so far.


I'm seeking advice on my current situation from unbiased bystanders. Thanks in advance for reading my post.

So a bit of backstory, we met online and maintained a long distance relationship for a year or so until it came down to one of us needs to move to make it work, I bit that bullet. Moved across the country with no job prospects, a place to live or anything but what i could fit in my car. Things continued to go well for quite a while once I got established.

Then came the first blow. I noticed that she was spending alot of time with her nose buried in her phone texting a male friend whom at the time I regarded as 'mutual'. I didnt think too much into it other than getting annoyed when she would be more interested in that than what we were doing at the time (for instance, shopping for things she wanted to buy and I was more or less there to push the cart.)
I was informed after this was going of for a couple months from a 3rd party that they had been having inappropriate conversations and exchanging photos. I instantly saw red due to the nature of how our relationship started and drove to her place to confront her, she told me that she was sorry and I told her if it happened again we're done. She wasnt very forthcoming with details and I didnt press for many as I was afraid of how deep the rabbit hole went. But I did feel that it was a sizeable emotional affair (EA? kinda new to the shorthand people use on this board) To this day that one still stings the most.

But regardless we went about our business, proceeded to get married last summer. She moved in, we played house ect.

We had a space growing between us for about 6 months after getting married as neither of us is a very effective communicator. Late one night I was already in bed and rolled over to find a empty bed so i got up to see what was keeping her up, I noticed the basement lights were on and heard some odd noises, I went back to bed a little curious but too tired to make much sense of it. I got up the next morning and checked her comp to see what was keeping her up till 4am and found out she was messaging various guys (inappropriately). And with one of the guys she had been more or less spilling her guts on things like our ****ty sex life, between cybering sessions with him over the course of a month or so. When I confronted her with this info she more or less shrugged it off, gave me a quick apology and I was satisfied with having her promise that it wont happen again.

Another month passes with tensions over the last EA growing. She seems quite distant so I check on things to make sure it isnt happening again and it was but now this time with a 4 times ex-boyfriend. I flip out, come home from work early, print out what I found with him and tape it to her suitcase along with a note that says "Pack and Leave". I take the dogs to the park to be out of the house when she gets home. I come back around 8:30 and she wont leave. I accuse her of physically cheating along with these messages, due to her spending increasing time at one of her friends place. She swears up and down she didnt. I insist that she needs to stay somewhere else for a bit. She agreed to move out.

Fastforward another few weeks and I'm about ready to have her move back in, I do one more check of her email to make sure shes stopped and find out she had been sleeping with someone else now. This affair had been both emotional and physical from what I can find. So I text her and say "I know about you and X, I'm too exhausted at this point to argue about it, just come get the rest of your stuff.". Her knee jerk reaction was to blame me for all of it due to me not paying her enough attention over the year we have been married.

She never did come get the rest of her stuff for the past 2 months, it's as if I live in a constant reminder of a married home. We had another sit down a few days ago after dancing around the talk we needed to have over the past while. I expressed my desire to move back home since theres nothing left here for me but a dead end job i picked up to pay the bills. She expressed how sorry she was and she was much more forthcoming on details when I asked her, she swears shes told me everything now, they had sex 3 times over the course of their month fling. I asked her if she still talks to him and she said she does, which hurt me quite a bit and makes me doubt her sincerity for me since she didnt have the respect to terminate all contact with him until I asked her to. She swears she loves me and I'm the only one she wants to be with.

TL/DR version:
We have been married for a year and a half and together for 3 years. Shes had 3 EA and one EA/PA.(I hope I'm using these abbreviations correctly)

Some facts about our relationship:

-I have depression/anxiety so I tend to get withdrawn easily and have horrid self esteem.
-Our sex life has never been good, as she was my first intimate partner I would have...problems, which would hurdle me me deeper into depression when I wasnt able to perform.
-I fully acknowledge that I didnt give her the attention she deserved. She wont admit to mutual neglect but I feel its a 2 way street.
- I have been in and out of therapy over my depression and the last time I went was to help me cope with the 2nd EA and get over it. When I wanted to seek couples counseling after the 3rd EA she refused. She is now willing to go but it feels like a measure of appeasement due to me expressing that I want to move away.
- No kids, we both wanted them and she recently expressed how bad she wants them due to her getting older. But its hard to get pregnant when we've only had sex 7 times in our first year of marriage.
- She says shes willing to work things out and try to regain my trust. I dont know if I am.
- She views the dirty IMing and exchanging of pictures as harmless, even thought I've made it quite clear I feel otherwise.


I just really want some advice from people who have been there or are going through it.
I still have feelings for her, is that sane or masochistic?
Is it selfish of me to want to move back home to be around friends and family? as I have none here. All of the friends I have here are her friends shes introduced me to.
I want to believe her this time but I dont know how I can ever trust her again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 4 times, I'm a moron.
Was it wrong of me to expect her to have terminated contact with the other guy before I asked about it?

Thanks for any advice/comments.
 

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Feelings for her is all very well.

What you need is a basis to rebuild trust, and her words alone aren't enough because she has lied before.

If you can agree any basis for trust, one wacky suggestion I could make...move back home and if she wants you she has to follow. That way you get a support network and distance from her physical affair partner.
 

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Wife cheated on me, so I know the feeling.

But here is one bit of advice:

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.

Translation:
You cheated on me, but I love you enough to get over it.
Cheated on me twice? Well, there is the door, and I can't believe I was dumb and stupid enough to give you a second chance.

My wife knows she isn't getting one.

You want my advice? The advice of a guy going through reconciliation from a wife that had a waist deep affair?
I would say leave her.

Again:
She stabbed you once.
You trusted her to not do it again.
She stabbed you twice.
You really want to give her the chance to stab you a third time?
 

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Also, she doesn't understand what an emotional affair is.

So tell her, "I'll be sexting and IMing a bunch of women while we are trying to reconcile. I'll let you know if I think it is affecting the relationship or if it gets inappropriate."

See how well she responds to that.

Also, I liked how you handled the get out of the house situation.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Feelings for her is all very well.

What you need is a basis to rebuild trust, and her words alone aren't enough because she has lied before.

If you can agree any basis for trust, one wacky suggestion I could make...move back home and if she wants you she has to follow. That way you get a support network and distance from her physical affair partner.
She refuses to go back with me as shes seen first hand what being away from family has done to me over the past couple years.



Thats more or less how I feel at this moment Juicer & thanks for the perspective. Thats why I posted here to get insight from first hand people.
 

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She refuses to go back with me as shes seen first hand what being away from family has done to me over the past couple years.


Thats more or less how I feel at this moment Juicer & thanks for the perspective. Thats why I posted here to get insight from first hand people.
You know what that statement says to me?
She has already given you terms that she expects you to accept for her to reconcile.

Notice a problem?

She should be bending over backwards to prove to you, that she will do whatever she can and you demand to get a second chance.
I told my wife to quit her job. Done. I wanted her email passwords, her phone, everything.
Did she argue with me over the losing her job? It was a nice job (compared to what she got now) and it was a big change for her. No, she did it whole heartedly.

If your wife won't agree to do the big things to help you heal, she doesn't want to help you heal. She wants you to rug sweep the affair so she can have another as soon as possible.
 

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Are you sure you heard her right?

Sex three times in one month w a new partner? Or was it 3 x a day?

Either way you will have a better life surrounded by people that actually care for you. Chalk this up to experience and go back home. Sorry you learned a hard
lesson - watch the texting in ur next relationship.
 

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Weary, having those affairs is not something she did (she won't even recognize the picture exchanging/flirting as betrayal) is what she does, its who he is.
I have no boudb she was this way before knowing you, she did it while the long distance, she didn't last 1 year of marriage and she's again at it.
It's what she does, who she is. She won't stop. Ever.

I'd never have children with her.

Sorry man.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I agree that after stopping to realize it that it is bullsh!t for her to give me terms and conditions in this scenario.

Im positive that she said 3 times during the course of her fling. But I wouldnt doubt it was little more than a number to settle the question.

And everyone Ive talked to thus far has told me its a blessing that we are without child at this point. It breaks my heart a bit to deny her of her life dream of being a mother at this juncture but i guess its her bed she made...
 

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You know what that statement says to me?
She has already given you terms that she expects you to accept for her to reconcile.

Notice a problem?

She should be bending over backwards to prove to you, that she will do whatever she can and you demand to get a second chance.
I told my wife to quit her job. Done. I wanted her email passwords, her phone, everything.
Did she argue with me over the losing her job? It was a nice job (compared to what she got now) and it was a big change for her. No, she did it whole heartedly.

If your wife won't agree to do the big things to help you heal, she doesn't want to help you heal. She wants you to rug sweep the affair so she can have another as soon as possible.
Yep.
Mine changed her phone number
Dropped Facebook and Yahoo
Gave me complete access to everything.
Full and complete remorse or move on. JMO
 

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Put it this way: she had HALF the sex she offered you for a YEAR to another guy in one month.

What is she saving it up for?

First, get treated for your esteeem issues and depression. Being in that state doesn't make you a very good partner nor one able to enjoy another person. Being married and screwing doesn't fix depression.

Second, she's, as you've stated, been shrugging her shoulders whenever caught. You believe her NOW. Why? Tears?

Let me clue you in on something, since you've as much as admitted that you are brand new to this relationship thing: women can lie and some women can cry on demand. You only cry when it REALLY HURTS. Some women...not so much.

But let me give her the benefit of the doubt. She might be really hurt. She might be missing your income. She might not want to be seen as a failure. She might be crying over having to give up her other MEN (PLURAL for the love of GOD!)

There are a lot of motives for her 'regret' which has nothing to do with you. You might be a major part...or you might be a piece (maybe a SMALL piece) of the puzzle.

You don't know and by self admission, you probably aren't a good judge.

You are, in fact, a moron. But you don't need to stay one. Now that you've gotten your penis wet for real, you can focus on finding a REAL relationship. Try flesh and blood. Aim for your 'league' (no chasing supermodels) and be upfront and honest.

But fix yourself first....once you get your good job back.
 

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And everyone Ive talked to thus far has told me its a blessing that we are without child at this point. It breaks my heart a bit to deny her of her life dream of being a mother at this juncture but i guess its her bed she made...
So you are killing a dream of her's?

How many dreams are you going to be plagued with when you start having triggers? How many dreams of yours did she kill when she let another man claim her? How many visions of your future did she kill when she cheated on you?

Dude, don't give a second thought about her dreams. Because she just killed yours.
 

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Then came the first blow. I noticed that she was spending alot of time with her nose buried in her phone texting a male friend. I was informed after this was going of for a couple months from a 3rd party that they had been having inappropriate conversations and exchanging photos. I instantly saw red due to the nature of how our relationship started and drove to her place to confront her, she told me that she was sorry and I told her if it happened again we're done.

I noticed the basement lights were on and heard some odd noises, I went back to bed a little curious but too tired to make much sense of it. I got up the next morning and checked her comp to see what was keeping her up till 4am and found out she was messaging various guys (inappropriately). And with one of the guys she had been more or less spilling her guts on things like our ****ty sex life, between cybering sessions with him over the course of a month or so. When I confronted her with this info she more or less shrugged it off, gave me a quick apology and I was satisfied with having her promise that it wont happen again.

I check on things to make sure it isnt happening again and it was but now this time with a 4 times ex-boyfriend. I flip out, come home from work early, print out what I found with him and tape it to her suitcase along with a note that says "Pack and Leave". I accuse her of physically cheating along with these messages, due to her spending increasing time at one of her friends place. She swears up and down she didnt. I insist that she needs to stay somewhere else for a bit. She agreed to move out.

Fastforward another few weeks and I'm about ready to have her move back in, I do one more check of her email to make sure shes stopped and find out she had been sleeping with someone else now. This affair had been both emotional and physical from what I can find. So I text her and say "I know about you and X, I'm too exhausted at this point to argue about it, just come get the rest of your stuff.". Her knee jerk reaction was to blame me for all of it due to me not paying her enough attention over the year we have been married.

She never did come get the rest of her stuff for the past 2 months, it's as if I live in a constant reminder of a married home. We had another sit down a few days ago after dancing around the talk we needed to have over the past while. I expressed my desire to move back home since theres nothing left here for me but a dead end job i picked up to pay the bills. She expressed how sorry she was and she was much more forthcoming on details when I asked her, she swears shes told me everything now, they had sex 3 times over the course of their month fling. I asked her if she still talks to him and she said she does, which hurt me quite a bit and makes me doubt her sincerity for me since she didnt have the respect to terminate all contact with him until I asked her to. She swears she loves me and I'm the only one she wants to be with.

I just really want some advice from people who have been there or are going through it.
I still have feelings for her, is that sane or masochistic?
Is it selfish of me to want to move back home to be around friends and family? as I have none here. All of the friends I have here are her friends shes introduced me to.
I want to believe her this time but I dont know how I can ever trust her again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 4 times, I'm a moron.

Thanks for any advice/comments.
You still have feelings for her. You want to believe her. She has cheated on you four times. After the third time, you kicked her out. She was so remorseful that rather than do anything and everything to get you back, she promptly went out and struck up a physical and emotional affair.

Part of what is so troubling here is that her cheating hasn't even been with the same guy. It's not like she has strong feelings for some guy and can't get over it. It's that she has casual affairs with whoever comes along next and shows her some attention.

You would have to be in serious denial to stay with her. As you say, you still have feelings for her and you want to believe her. You are letting your wishful thinking get in the way of the reality of the cold hard facts. On top of everything else, she is doing nothing to show she is remorseful, just giving you lip service. If she really wanted to be married to you, she would be doing anything and everything to make it up to you, AND YES, SHE WOULD AGREE TO MOVE WITH YOU.

Why does she want to stay married to you? Stability. Security. Finances. It's nice to have someone always there to love you unconditionally while the guys you're having the affair with are only using you for sex.

Why do you want to stay married to her? You are better off without her. No kids makes it a no brainer.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
How many dreams are you going to be plagued with when you start having triggers? How many dreams of yours did she kill when she let another man claim her?
Ugghh Im lucky Im still numb enough to not have recurring visions and triggers.

I guess its worth including that during her 2nd EA and her EA/PA she mentioned to both of those guys that she wanted out of the marriage. Suppose its about time I should stop deluding myself and playing along with her feelings of the week since that right there undermines the statement shes made about only wanting to be with me. When is the next time shes going to want out again.
Well ya'll have verified my stance, I dont want to keep feeling under threat of getting stabbed in the back again since its basic pattern recognition at this point.
 

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R is hard enough when they are doing all the right things. Couldn't imagine trying it she weren't.
 
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Your esteeem issues and depression will get worse if you stay with her. It's a garantee she will sh!t in your heart again and again...
It will destroy you for good.
 

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Weary, you're getting first rate advice and all these posts are excellent. You need to divorce. Laws are different all over, but you need to look into whether or not you have the possibility of annulment.

How old are you?

I'm guessing you come across much better with women online than in person. That can be fixed. I'm not going to say it's easy, it's a lot of hard work. First you need to fix your mind and get rid of a lot of bunk that society has deposited in your "What Women Like" file. I'm sure you were violating the 16 Commandments left and right for your whole marriage. Read all around Roissy's site there. It's crass and offensive, at least until you take the proverbial red pill, but it's undiluted truth.

Now, read this about the Male Socio-Sexual Hierarchy and find out where you're starting out at, so you can find your way to where you need to be. BTW, women are the ones who make the decisions about where you are on the totem pole. You move up as you increase your sex rank.

After you learn the truth about what women value in a man (I mean what they REALLY value, not what they say they want) and find out what your sex rank is, you need to raise your rank. Despite what women say, an attractive physique is the first thing that will trigger their attention (at least until they see your bank balance). What they are subconsciously looking for is a 1.4:1 chest:waist(right under the rib cage) ratio. That's the first hurdle you get past with an IRL woman. Start dropping fat and building muscle with weight training.
Once you look like this, you'll be in the pink. All the time.
 

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Start watching Twin Muscle Workout. Youtube.

Hilarious, good advice, and they got several channels and videos to entertain/inform/occupy your time with.
 

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Weary, you're getting first rate advice and all these posts are excellent. You need to divorce. Laws are different all over, but you need to look into whether or not you have the possibility of annulment.

How old are you?

I'm guessing you come across much better with women online than in person. That can be fixed. I'm not going to say it's easy, it's a lot of hard work. First you need to fix your mind and get rid of a lot of bunk that society has deposited in your "What Women Like" file. I'm sure you were violating the 16 Commandments left and right for your whole marriage. Read all around Roissy's site there. It's crass and offensive, at least until you take the proverbial red pill, but it's undiluted truth.

Now, read this about the Male Socio-Sexual Hierarchy and find out where you're starting out at, so you can find your way to where you need to be. BTW, women are the ones who make the decisions about where you are on the totem pole. You move up as you increase your sex rank.

After you learn the truth about what women value in a man (I mean what they REALLY value, not what they say they want) and find out what your sex rank is, you need to raise your rank. Despite what women say, an attractive physique is the first thing that will trigger their attention (at least until they see your bank balance). What they are subconsciously looking for is a 1.4:1 chest:waist(right under the rib cage) ratio. That's the first hurdle you get past with an IRL woman. Start dropping fat and building muscle with weight training.
Once you look like this, you'll be in the pink. All the time.
Machiavelli and Juicer both know what they are talking about. To sum it up I'm not tall 5'6 the last year of marriage I let myself go that was 2 plus yrs ago. Now I am back to benching- flat- 310 not bad for 5'6 165 lbs. but I'm setting a goal of 340 again why not it's a state of mind. Going out with a younger right now if that doesn't work ok NEXT. I have the attitude basically I just don't care I'll move on and it for me works.
 
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