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I would like to say first and foremost, I've been reading around here for a few hours and really like some of the comments and advice I've seen so far.
I'm seeking advice on my current situation from unbiased bystanders. Thanks in advance for reading my post.
So a bit of backstory, we met online and maintained a long distance relationship for a year or so until it came down to one of us needs to move to make it work, I bit that bullet. Moved across the country with no job prospects, a place to live or anything but what i could fit in my car. Things continued to go well for quite a while once I got established.
Then came the first blow. I noticed that she was spending alot of time with her nose buried in her phone texting a male friend whom at the time I regarded as 'mutual'. I didnt think too much into it other than getting annoyed when she would be more interested in that than what we were doing at the time (for instance, shopping for things she wanted to buy and I was more or less there to push the cart.)
I was informed after this was going of for a couple months from a 3rd party that they had been having inappropriate conversations and exchanging photos. I instantly saw red due to the nature of how our relationship started and drove to her place to confront her, she told me that she was sorry and I told her if it happened again we're done. She wasnt very forthcoming with details and I didnt press for many as I was afraid of how deep the rabbit hole went. But I did feel that it was a sizeable emotional affair (EA? kinda new to the shorthand people use on this board) To this day that one still stings the most.
But regardless we went about our business, proceeded to get married last summer. She moved in, we played house ect.
We had a space growing between us for about 6 months after getting married as neither of us is a very effective communicator. Late one night I was already in bed and rolled over to find a empty bed so i got up to see what was keeping her up, I noticed the basement lights were on and heard some odd noises, I went back to bed a little curious but too tired to make much sense of it. I got up the next morning and checked her comp to see what was keeping her up till 4am and found out she was messaging various guys (inappropriately). And with one of the guys she had been more or less spilling her guts on things like our ****ty sex life, between cybering sessions with him over the course of a month or so. When I confronted her with this info she more or less shrugged it off, gave me a quick apology and I was satisfied with having her promise that it wont happen again.
Another month passes with tensions over the last EA growing. She seems quite distant so I check on things to make sure it isnt happening again and it was but now this time with a 4 times ex-boyfriend. I flip out, come home from work early, print out what I found with him and tape it to her suitcase along with a note that says "Pack and Leave". I take the dogs to the park to be out of the house when she gets home. I come back around 8:30 and she wont leave. I accuse her of physically cheating along with these messages, due to her spending increasing time at one of her friends place. She swears up and down she didnt. I insist that she needs to stay somewhere else for a bit. She agreed to move out.
Fastforward another few weeks and I'm about ready to have her move back in, I do one more check of her email to make sure shes stopped and find out she had been sleeping with someone else now. This affair had been both emotional and physical from what I can find. So I text her and say "I know about you and X, I'm too exhausted at this point to argue about it, just come get the rest of your stuff.". Her knee jerk reaction was to blame me for all of it due to me not paying her enough attention over the year we have been married.
She never did come get the rest of her stuff for the past 2 months, it's as if I live in a constant reminder of a married home. We had another sit down a few days ago after dancing around the talk we needed to have over the past while. I expressed my desire to move back home since theres nothing left here for me but a dead end job i picked up to pay the bills. She expressed how sorry she was and she was much more forthcoming on details when I asked her, she swears shes told me everything now, they had sex 3 times over the course of their month fling. I asked her if she still talks to him and she said she does, which hurt me quite a bit and makes me doubt her sincerity for me since she didnt have the respect to terminate all contact with him until I asked her to. She swears she loves me and I'm the only one she wants to be with.
TL/DR version:
We have been married for a year and a half and together for 3 years. Shes had 3 EA and one EA/PA.(I hope I'm using these abbreviations correctly)
Some facts about our relationship:
-I have depression/anxiety so I tend to get withdrawn easily and have horrid self esteem.
-Our sex life has never been good, as she was my first intimate partner I would have...problems, which would hurdle me me deeper into depression when I wasnt able to perform.
-I fully acknowledge that I didnt give her the attention she deserved. She wont admit to mutual neglect but I feel its a 2 way street.
- I have been in and out of therapy over my depression and the last time I went was to help me cope with the 2nd EA and get over it. When I wanted to seek couples counseling after the 3rd EA she refused. She is now willing to go but it feels like a measure of appeasement due to me expressing that I want to move away.
- No kids, we both wanted them and she recently expressed how bad she wants them due to her getting older. But its hard to get pregnant when we've only had sex 7 times in our first year of marriage.
- She says shes willing to work things out and try to regain my trust. I dont know if I am.
- She views the dirty IMing and exchanging of pictures as harmless, even thought I've made it quite clear I feel otherwise.
I just really want some advice from people who have been there or are going through it.
I still have feelings for her, is that sane or masochistic?
Is it selfish of me to want to move back home to be around friends and family? as I have none here. All of the friends I have here are her friends shes introduced me to.
I want to believe her this time but I dont know how I can ever trust her again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 4 times, I'm a moron.
Was it wrong of me to expect her to have terminated contact with the other guy before I asked about it?
Thanks for any advice/comments.
I'm seeking advice on my current situation from unbiased bystanders. Thanks in advance for reading my post.
So a bit of backstory, we met online and maintained a long distance relationship for a year or so until it came down to one of us needs to move to make it work, I bit that bullet. Moved across the country with no job prospects, a place to live or anything but what i could fit in my car. Things continued to go well for quite a while once I got established.
Then came the first blow. I noticed that she was spending alot of time with her nose buried in her phone texting a male friend whom at the time I regarded as 'mutual'. I didnt think too much into it other than getting annoyed when she would be more interested in that than what we were doing at the time (for instance, shopping for things she wanted to buy and I was more or less there to push the cart.)
I was informed after this was going of for a couple months from a 3rd party that they had been having inappropriate conversations and exchanging photos. I instantly saw red due to the nature of how our relationship started and drove to her place to confront her, she told me that she was sorry and I told her if it happened again we're done. She wasnt very forthcoming with details and I didnt press for many as I was afraid of how deep the rabbit hole went. But I did feel that it was a sizeable emotional affair (EA? kinda new to the shorthand people use on this board) To this day that one still stings the most.
But regardless we went about our business, proceeded to get married last summer. She moved in, we played house ect.
We had a space growing between us for about 6 months after getting married as neither of us is a very effective communicator. Late one night I was already in bed and rolled over to find a empty bed so i got up to see what was keeping her up, I noticed the basement lights were on and heard some odd noises, I went back to bed a little curious but too tired to make much sense of it. I got up the next morning and checked her comp to see what was keeping her up till 4am and found out she was messaging various guys (inappropriately). And with one of the guys she had been more or less spilling her guts on things like our ****ty sex life, between cybering sessions with him over the course of a month or so. When I confronted her with this info she more or less shrugged it off, gave me a quick apology and I was satisfied with having her promise that it wont happen again.
Another month passes with tensions over the last EA growing. She seems quite distant so I check on things to make sure it isnt happening again and it was but now this time with a 4 times ex-boyfriend. I flip out, come home from work early, print out what I found with him and tape it to her suitcase along with a note that says "Pack and Leave". I take the dogs to the park to be out of the house when she gets home. I come back around 8:30 and she wont leave. I accuse her of physically cheating along with these messages, due to her spending increasing time at one of her friends place. She swears up and down she didnt. I insist that she needs to stay somewhere else for a bit. She agreed to move out.
Fastforward another few weeks and I'm about ready to have her move back in, I do one more check of her email to make sure shes stopped and find out she had been sleeping with someone else now. This affair had been both emotional and physical from what I can find. So I text her and say "I know about you and X, I'm too exhausted at this point to argue about it, just come get the rest of your stuff.". Her knee jerk reaction was to blame me for all of it due to me not paying her enough attention over the year we have been married.
She never did come get the rest of her stuff for the past 2 months, it's as if I live in a constant reminder of a married home. We had another sit down a few days ago after dancing around the talk we needed to have over the past while. I expressed my desire to move back home since theres nothing left here for me but a dead end job i picked up to pay the bills. She expressed how sorry she was and she was much more forthcoming on details when I asked her, she swears shes told me everything now, they had sex 3 times over the course of their month fling. I asked her if she still talks to him and she said she does, which hurt me quite a bit and makes me doubt her sincerity for me since she didnt have the respect to terminate all contact with him until I asked her to. She swears she loves me and I'm the only one she wants to be with.
TL/DR version:
We have been married for a year and a half and together for 3 years. Shes had 3 EA and one EA/PA.(I hope I'm using these abbreviations correctly)
Some facts about our relationship:
-I have depression/anxiety so I tend to get withdrawn easily and have horrid self esteem.
-Our sex life has never been good, as she was my first intimate partner I would have...problems, which would hurdle me me deeper into depression when I wasnt able to perform.
-I fully acknowledge that I didnt give her the attention she deserved. She wont admit to mutual neglect but I feel its a 2 way street.
- I have been in and out of therapy over my depression and the last time I went was to help me cope with the 2nd EA and get over it. When I wanted to seek couples counseling after the 3rd EA she refused. She is now willing to go but it feels like a measure of appeasement due to me expressing that I want to move away.
- No kids, we both wanted them and she recently expressed how bad she wants them due to her getting older. But its hard to get pregnant when we've only had sex 7 times in our first year of marriage.
- She says shes willing to work things out and try to regain my trust. I dont know if I am.
- She views the dirty IMing and exchanging of pictures as harmless, even thought I've made it quite clear I feel otherwise.
I just really want some advice from people who have been there or are going through it.
I still have feelings for her, is that sane or masochistic?
Is it selfish of me to want to move back home to be around friends and family? as I have none here. All of the friends I have here are her friends shes introduced me to.
I want to believe her this time but I dont know how I can ever trust her again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 4 times, I'm a moron.
Was it wrong of me to expect her to have terminated contact with the other guy before I asked about it?
Thanks for any advice/comments.
