Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 47 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi everyone -

I'm brand new here. I hope it's okay to just jump in with my story but I'm losing my mind and I'm hoping I can find some support here.

I'll try to keep it short.

I'm 45, husband is 54. No kids. We've been "together" for 19 years, married for almost 14 years.

I can't say we've had the BEST relationship. He's moody, often unkind, distant. But of course there are times when he's great. He's beautiful, funny, loving, responsible.... it's like he changes from day to day, minute to minute. But after 19 years together i love him like I've never loved anyone. I kinda figured all relationships were difficult and this was just what I was dealt and it was fine. I spent years running around in circles around him trying to make him happy. A few years ago, I insisted on marriage counseling because I was sure he would be diagnosed as depressed. And he was. The doc put him on Lexipro (antidepressants) which seemed to help a bit but after about a month, he stopped using them. Said they made him feel numb. Then he just went back to his mood swings. This was about 4 years ago.

Lately, in the last year or so, things with him have gotten worse. Always saying he's unhappy (though always ending that with saying it's not ME he's unhappy with) He hates where we live (South Florida), he wants to move. He went on a diet and lost quite a bit of weight. He was always on his computer or smart phone..... all those warning signs started going off that makes a wife's "spidey sense" start ringing bells. I researched "mid-life crisis" on google and it seemed to perfectly describe him. I thought that was the problem. I hoped we could ride it out.

On Thursday March 6th (just over 3 weeks ago now) my world collapsed. I had been sneaking looks at his text messages on his phone for a few months, and had seen some things that didn't look right, but never (or hardly) questioned him because he would just get angry and defensive and in my mind it wasn't worth the fight. But on this morning, I saw something new. A screen name I had never seen before. Along with a few lines about being "almost there", etc. what?

I googled the screen name and oh. my. god. OH MY GOD. He's been very, very, very, very active on a prostitution site. He meets with prostitutes during his lunch hour at work on what seems like a weekly basis - for what looks like the better part of about 5 years. And then writes VERY detailed descriptions of his encounters. Along with lots of posts that are just chit chat with other Johns and *****s about this and that, all making it very, very, very clear that it was him. He's a musician and he's posted his original songs, he's posted pictures of our yard, etc. There's no doubt AT ALL that these posts are by him.

When he came home later that afternoon, I had packed a bag with some of his clothes, threw the bag at him and told him to get the F*** out. He started asking why, but then when I mentioned the screen name I found he just looked at the ground and said "yes, I know what you're talking about" I tried to lock him out of the house, but he ran back into our shed where I forgot I keep an extra key, grabbed the key and ran in and grabbed his computer. We struggled for his computer, but he's stronger than me and he got it away from me and jumped in his car and sped off. According to his posts on that website (and there are nearly 4,000 posts on there) he keeps EVERYTHING on his SD card on his computer as one of the ways he hides this from me. I'm sure that SD card is floating in the Atlantic by now.

Anyway, he went and stayed with a friend... and this is his story that he's telling anyone that will listen. He's a photographer and he's saying he's only guilty of taking pictures of prostitutes for money behind my back. (As a side note, he started to pick up the hobby of photographing young nude girls years ago, he called it "art", but I put my foot down, said it made me uncomfortable and made him stop) And he's also saying he was posting "sometimes" on that website because he was "bored" but not all those posts are his. He's insisting to anyone that will listen that he's never had sex with anyone outside our marriage.

One thing he doesn't know is that I was able to break into his account on that site and I've read the email exchanges between him and the prostitutes. They're very graphic, they talk about when they're going to meet or about experiences they've had and they include his real name and phone number)

My husband spoke on the phone about 5 nights ago for the first time, but he just kept lying. Will NOT admit to seeing prostitutes, just telling me that yes, he took pictures behind my back and yes, he posted bulls*** on this website just for fun, but that's it.

I've filed for divorce and I'm waiting for the server to call me anytime now to tell me he's been served. My husband knows this is coming because the server called him earlier this week to find out where he wants to be served his divorce papers.

My head is a spinning mess. I love him. I hate him. I planned my life around him. What has he done? How could the person I love most in the world turn around and hurt me like this?

He's not begging to come home. On the phone I asked if he loved me and he said yes. I asked if he still wanted to be my husband he said yes. But these were only when I asked. He's suggested marriage counseling, but I can't see how that would even help if he continues to lie. I don't even believe he wants counseling because he wants to fix us, I think it's all part of his master plan to try to hide from our friends what a sick piece of s*** he really is. I don't know. I just feel like I don't know anything. I think I'm okay with counseling, but I don't know why. Obviously I deserve better than what he's done to me.

That's the story in a nutshell as short as I can make it. I'm a mess. I am seeing a physiologist once a week and also a neurologist who has put me on lexipro (irony?) and also Klonopan (sp?) to sleep. I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping, or eating, or breathing, really. I can't believe what's happened to my world. Any words of wisdom out there???
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,232 Posts
I am so sorry. You have done the right thing though. Things WILL get better.

My husband used a prostitute once, my story is linked in my sig if you want to read more details. We're together still, but it's very hard. It's very hard no matter what.

Hang in there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,829 Posts
Don't sweat losing the computer,, or the evidence. You saw 100% of what you needed to see.

Filed for divorce? Excellent, get tested for STDs now, if you haven't already.

Took photos of young girls before, now prostitutes? Is he Ansel Adams? No? Then that is a poor BS excuse.

Tell him you want a polygraph, to verify the photography story. See his reaction there. But honestly, you deserve better. Sorry you are going through this.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,454 Posts
You are going through a lot right now. I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sucks.

One thing to keep in mind is that you love who you thought your husband was. You do not apparently love who he really is. He's been lying and cheating for a long time. Now that you now what he's been doing, he cannot even admit it and is lying to you. Not only is he lying to you, he is lying to others to cover for himself and this makes you look bad.

There can not be any repairing of the marriage if he will not even tell the truth. Your choice of divorce seems to be the best route.

Keep in mind when you have doubts about the divorce, his extracurricular sex with prostitutes puts your wellbeing and life at risk. This is something that he does not have the right to do.

Do you have anyone close to you who supports you? Are there any friends or family members who you can talk to?

One thing that you might want to do is to download copies of a lot of the posts you found. This way you have solid proof of his activities. If it were me, I'd down load the worst of the worst posts and let him know that if he does not stop lying to make you look bad to others, you will be glad to give people copies of his posts and his screen names so that they can make up their own minds about how innocent his actions have been.

ETA: It's highly unlikely that everyone he tells his sad story to believes him. Keep that in mind. People are not that naive.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
672 Posts
You've taken the only step you could. Go through with the D asap for your sanity. No going back - his behaviour can only be described as sick.

Did you keep any of the evidence?

Out him to everyone, tell them EXACTLY what he was doing and don't hold anything back. Tell them how his computer was the only thing he grabbed as he left the house and wrestled you for it. Hopefully it will force him to move away.

Just try and get him completely out of your orbit as quickly as possible. He only loves himself and not you. No one who loves you could do those horrendous things.

I'm so sorry you are here and have been put through this nightmare.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,563 Posts
Sounds like he's not begging to come home in the false hope that if he remains distant, YOU will cave in and YOU will be the one begging HIM to come home.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
Thank you, Hope. Everyone says it will get better. I can't imagine it getting better, but that's what everyone is telling me.

WhiteRaven and PhillyGuy, yes, I got tested for STDs immediately. Thankfully, I'm clean.

Elegirl, you're right. He's NOT the man I thought he was. But how do you stop loving the man you've loved and built your life around for 19 years? I want the man I THOUGHT he was back in the worst way possible, but I'm trying to deal with the fact that that man left this world a LONG time ago. How do you do that????

Yes, I have a good network of friends. Not all local. They all check on me (call, stop by) as much as possible, I guess, but it doesn't feel like enough to me. I've never lived alone in my life. Now I'm here alone in this house (with two elderly dogs that both need lots of medical care) and I'm scared, and I'm lonely. And I want my husband back.... my REAL husband, not this sick piece of s***.

Moonshadow - Yes, I kept tons of evidence. And I've circulated it to people. Everyone is shocked. Some of our friends actually BELIEVE his crazy story because I guess the truth is too hard to wrap your mind around, I dunno. But most of our friends have nothing but compassion for me and what I'm going through and are sickened by this whole thing.

I can't believe he doesnt love me. I just can't believe it. I mean, I really cant. 19 years - that's almost half my life - and the "i love yous" came from him every day, right up until March 6th.

Thank you all for responding so quickly and so nicely. I'm losing my mind.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,232 Posts
He may love you, in his mind, but he isn't able to act like a loving person. Or he may just be paying lip service to it. You may never know.

Tell your therapist that you need help to dissociate from him. The sooner you can do that the sooner things will improve.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,833 Posts
He may love you, in his mind, but he isn't able to act like a loving person. Or he may just be paying lip service to it. You may never know.

Tell your therapist that you need help to dissociate from him. The sooner you can do that the sooner things will improve.
:iagree:

He may love you, in his own way. But keep in mind that this is what love looks like to him. Love, for him, includes him having lots of sex with lots of prostitutes, lying, betrayal, denial, and making you out to be crazy and a fool to anyone who will believe him.

So what if he does love you? Is his version of love enough for you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,940 Posts
And I want my husband back.... my REAL husband, not this sick piece of s***.
You asnwered yourself earlier.
This was the real him all along, both the husband and the hooker addict, the double life man. You were just unaware of the second bacause he ensured it.
As such a man won't deal, humbly, with you, won't face the music at all he chose to save face with mutual aquitances.

Unless he decide to face it, fully confess and get help there's no hope and you must try your best to detach.

I'm sorry friend.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Marriage counseling will not work here. Counseling is for couples who have difficulties communication and understanding each other.

In your case the problem is your husband's attitude. He needs treatment. When that is cured then there is no need for counseling.

The problem is not your marriage, it's his lust addiction.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,124 Posts
He's a photographer and he's saying he's only guilty of taking pictures of prostitutes for money behind my back. (As a side note, he started to pick up the hobby of photographing young nude girls years ago, he called it "art", but I put my foot down, said it made me uncomfortable and made him stop) And he's also saying he was posting "sometimes" on that website because he was "bored" but not all those posts are his. He's insisting to anyone that will listen that he's never had sex with anyone outside our marriage.
So, where is his nude art book?
Where is his publishing credit?
Where is his portfolio?
Where is his agent?
Where is his photo website?

I could keep going, but you get my point.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,279 Posts
Marriage counseling will not work here. Counseling is for couples who have difficulties communication and understanding each other.

In your case the problem is your husband's attitude. He needs treatment. When that is cured then there is no need for counseling.

The problem is not your marriage, it's his lust addiction.
I agree. Unless you see a major change in your husband along with both remorse and total transparency, this marriage is, as you suspect, dead. I don't think that he's able to give all of his "hobbies" up without some years of therapy and even then I'd think it would be very hard.

If you decide to divorce, and you can take some time to think on that, move quickly. There is no reason to waste any more of your life on this guy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
510 Posts


I don't agree with one thing your husband has done to you!

Good thing you are STD free.

You do realize that he has an addiction don't you?

He is a Sex Addict.

Maybe you should get him to a 12 Step program for Sex Addicts.

In addition has he been Jealous and Possessive of you. I used to work with a guy who too was madly in love with his wife and very very possessive of her!!.

He would go to a Prostitute or escort at lunch time and then that evening make love to his wife. One was raw sex, the other was love making. He and I were talking recently about my WAW I told him how up to the day she left our bedroom was like a Porn Set. He said that's the way it always was with his wife. I asked him, the tell tale question

"Most men go to escorts because they do things the wife won't, he immediately said it was opposite his wife would do things he could never pay enough to get!!

You see its like the Affair Fog, I believe its the thrill of someone different, the thrill of maybe getting caught. I also found out that these higher priced girls are probably ten times cleaner than a woman you would pick up at a bar!!!


To make a long story short, he cleaned up his act. He no longer looks at porn goes to escorts etc. And his wife never ever found out and they are still together. So if you really love him maybe get his addiction treated and also the best way I would think is to keep an eye on every penny that comes in and goes out!

Good Luck, I wish you well.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
830 Posts
Normally, I'd say that this situation is pretty much hopeless, but this time . . . I dunno. Something makes me think that it could possibly work out. You could always try counselling and him going to sex addiction meetings and still have the divorce ready to go.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,894 Posts
1. You are not the cause of him cheating.
2. I don't believe in "sex addictions", it is not a clinical diagnosis, but there are sexual behaviors that can be treated in various ways to include 12 step programs. The problem is that unlike alcohol, what happens if he relapses? It means he is having sex again with women. Personally I could deal with an alcoholic slipping up far more easily then a man who relapses with prostitutes. And that has always been an issue I have had with sexual offenders being treated in sexual addiction clinics. Even one slip up means they are having sex again in inappropriate ways.
3. If he wants to change then he does it on his own, is my view. I would not waste time in MC, asking him to go to a 12 step program, etc. Let him figure it out and just keep moving forward with the D.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
Thanks for all the replies everyone.

I have filed for divorce.

He said he doesn't want a divorce, and he suggested counseling, but now that I've served him, he's saying he doesn't see the point of trying to fix our marriage while trying to end it.

He's not even making sense to me with his mixed messages. My brain tells me he's a lying, cheating piece of s*** and I need to divorce him immediately.... but my heart is broken in a million pieces. I've loved this man nearly half my life.

My brain feels like it's a bicycle chain that keeps slipping gears. One second I hate him and wish he was dead, the next second I want him to come back crying and telling me the truth and begging me to let him get help so we can be together forever as planned.

I'm a mess. The doctor has put me on anti-anxiety meds and antidepressants, but they don't seem to be working.... not as well as I'd like them to.

I feel like i know what I have to do, but my heart hurts too much to move.
 
1 - 20 of 47 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top