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Married 27 years to a self-centered alcoholic whose career stumbled from being a CFO to being unemployed. He resented me for being his “master”, or ball and chain. My life was keeping his head above water, being his caretaker, trying to keep him from being fired again, taking care of house and kids. His priorities have been about himself always.

So he waited until I was out of town to call me and say he was moving out. Wasn’t able to be there when he told the kids. Really it’s for the best, but still feels like a death.

I have more to give that is positive and productive in this world than to be someone’s caretaker for all these years. Now to find myself again.
 

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I would say it's the part of you who is co-dependent and don't be worried about the kids they know what you endured. Take it as a blessing and fortune, but when he tries to come back don't listen to his promises but his actions. And it's normal to grieve the loss your human.
 

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Sorry to see you here, @NewLife4MeinKY ~ but you've undoubtedly come to the best possible place!

Keep posting! You will find yourself here, as you are now among friends!

Welcome to the TAM Family!
 

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The sad thing is that it's likely the case you will benefit greatly if he gets his act together and gets a job that earns significant $$$ again. It's realistic to believe he owes you, both ethically and financially, for the years you supported him while he provided income for the family.

You need to quickly come up with a plan, figure out what you need, and derive added self-esteem from implementing that plan. You don't want to go through this thinking he has the plan that everything is following. Look out for yourself and don't be afraid of being disruptive.
 

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You sound as though you surely will succeed at "finding yourself"

Just don't try to rush it.

You may get some responses that are a little "odd". Many people who post here have been badly hurt and have yet to recover. Take that which is helpful and discount that which isn't.

I wish you well.
 

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Married 27 years to a self-centered alcoholic whose career stumbled from being a CFO to being unemployed. He resented me for being his “master”, or ball and chain. My life was keeping his head above water, being his caretaker, trying to keep him from being fired again, taking care of house and kids. His priorities have been about himself always.

So he waited until I was out of town to call me and say he was moving out. Wasn’t able to be there when he told the kids. Really it’s for the best, but still feels like a death.

I have more to give that is positive and productive in this world than to be someone’s caretaker for all these years. Now to find myself again.
There is a book that I think will help you find yourself again. What you describe is codependency - putting the needs some the other person above your own.

Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency Hardcover – by Melody Beattie
 

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Thank you everyone. Doubtful he will find another job. He had a stroke in 2015 and recovered almost fully. But he does have some brain damage and was recently diagnosed with major depression. Of course they wanted him to get counseling but he didn’t think he needed it. I have been promoted 3 times in 3 years and went from a SAHM to an account manager. I thought he’d be supportive that I was picking up the pieces but it appears his self-esteem is shot and he resented not being too dog.

Used to be a body builder and successful in his career but years of binge drinking caught up to him. He hasn’t drank since his stroke, so that was good. But his emotional state is destroyed. Easier to blame me and run.

He moved in with a family member temporarily and plans to get his own apartment. I am keeping the house. I am also guessing that he may regret his decision and try to come back, if only to be around our kids and be back home. But no way. I can’t help someone who won’t help himself.

I am researching attorneys tomorrow and will make an appointment Monday. Can’t afford to be liable for him when there is a good chance he will start drinking again.
 

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Thank you everyone. Doubtful he will find another job. He had a stroke in 2015 and recovered almost fully. But he does have some brain damage and was recently diagnosed with major depression. Of course they wanted him to get counseling but he didn’t think he needed it. I have been promoted 3 times in 3 years and went from a SAHM to an account manager. I thought he’d be supportive that I was picking up the pieces but it appears his self-esteem is shot and he resented not being too dog.

Used to be a body builder and successful in his career but years of binge drinking caught up to him. He hasn’t drank since his stroke, so that was good. But his emotional state is destroyed. Easier to blame me and run.

He moved in with a family member temporarily and plans to get his own apartment. I am keeping the house. I am also guessing that he may regret his decision and try to come back, if only to be around our kids and be back home. But no way. I can’t help someone who won’t help himself.

I am researching attorneys tomorrow and will make an appointment Monday. Can’t afford to be liable for him when there is a good chance he will start drinking again.
Change the locks on your house. It may be illegal to prevent him from coming into the house but you don’t want him sneaking back in when your not there and helping himself to whatever valuables you have, especially if he starts drinking again.
You can always say you lost your keys and thought that they were stolen if he asks.
 

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Married 27 years to a self-centered alcoholic whose career stumbled from being a CFO to being unemployed. He resented me for being his “master”, or ball and chain. My life was keeping his head above water, being his caretaker, trying to keep him from being fired again, taking care of house and kids. His priorities have been about himself always.

So he waited until I was out of town to call me and say he was moving out. Wasn’t able to be there when he told the kids. Really it’s for the best, but still feels like a death.

I have more to give that is positive and productive in this world than to be someone’s caretaker for all these years. Now to find myself again.
Sorry you are going through this but Alcoholics only think of themselves when they are on the bandwagon. In the long run you will see you are dodging a bullet.
Go see a lawyer to make sure you and the kids are covered. Get that divorce asap so he has no chance of worming his way in again.
You and your kids need to go to Al Anon and Al-Ateen as you are victims in this story. You sound co-dependent covering for him all your life and putting him first. This will have affected the kids too. Alcoholism is a family disease.
it may not seem like it but good riddance.............please be prepared for him having a bit on the side. He would not leave the comfort of his home if there was noone else waiting in the wings to take care of him.
 

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About changing the locks on the house. Talk to your lawyer about this. There might be a way to get a stipulation in the initial divorce filing that states that he has moved out of the family home and therefore it's no longer his place of residence. Since it's not his place of residence, he cannot enter the home without going through the lawyers, setting up a specific time, etc.
 

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Married 27 years to a self-centered alcoholic whose career stumbled from being a CFO to being unemployed. He resented me for being his “master”, or ball and chain. My life was keeping his head above water, being his caretaker, trying to keep him from being fired again, taking care of house and kids. His priorities have been about himself always.

So he waited until I was out of town to call me and say he was moving out. Wasn’t able to be there when he told the kids. Really it’s for the best, but still feels like a death.

I have more to give that is positive and productive in this world than to be someone’s caretaker for all these years. Now to find myself again.
It feels like a death? It sounds more like a fabulous OVERDUE present and a new lease on life after losing 180 pounds of worthless, burdensome flesh. You don't realize it yet, but he did you a HUGE favor. You'll see that eventually.

Be wise. Don't let him back in if he comes sniffing around again like a needy, stray dog.
 

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Morning, sorry for what you have gone through.
If he was a better communicator there wouldn’t have gone as bad as it did.
One day at a time.
Buffer
 
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