As my first post, I bring this story to you with some apprehension. This comes after several years of searching, several counselling sessions together and alone, and many many sleepless nights talking, praying and hoping.
I am a 30 something man in a professional job with a wife whom I love and have had 2 children with her. She is due for our third child together any day now. We're from quite different cultural backgrounds, but both value family highly. She was born overseas and her entire family is half way around the world. (I totally appreciate the obstacle this alone may be). My own nuclear family is about 1,000km from us but have a somewhat strained relationship with us due to religious differences. We have good social and spiritual (Christian) supports in the town we live in and generally enjoy where we live (at least this is my impression of my wife).
As in many other stories I've heard here, this has been a reasonably good relationship for the 7 years we've been married.
Only we've never been able to have a good fight. Never.
My W cannot accept any form of criticism without feeling personally attacked, and as a result builds an emotional wall to 'protect herself' as she says from any further hurt I wish to impose on her.
I never set out to hurt my W, but in my expression of disapproval of some things she may say or do, she takes it as a disapproval of her. I have come to appreciate that her father always approved of her - was the 'yes' person in her life. She envisaged marriage to be as the relationship with her father - always happy and positive with no fights or forms of disapproval.
I am the last to proclaim perfection - I have admitted emotional abuse in the past to my wife and have sought to make myself a better husband with each day. Although I stumble at times, I constantly evaluate myself and get feedback from my W to see how I'm going. No matter what good I could do for her, they make 2c deposits in her love bank whereas any minor disputes we may have make $1000 withdrawals. I cannot seem to redeem the love she said she had when we got married.
In retrospect, this has been going on for some time, mainly centred on my concern over living in the country her family live in (a terribly third-world country), and each visit to her country has reinforced her desire to want to stay with or without me. That was before children, and even after having children together the same sentiment remains.
We are both Christians, but her self-confessed stubbornness refuses to give up my past transgressions against her. She is the life of the party with happy people around her but clams up each time I want to discuss our marriage situation, and gives vague answers that are neither here nor there in the few responses she manages to make. Nevertheless, it has been made quite clear that she 'once loved me' but no longer and 'cannot find it in her heart to love again'. She claims that 'God needs to change her heart' and has not taken responsibility for her own attitudes, which has frustrated me immensely.
I have never been physically abuse, believe I have mended many of my ways emotionally and spend almost all my non-working time at home helping out with the kids. Very rarely do I get appreciation from this, let alone any being genuine. Not that this bothers me all that much. What matters more is our loveless marriage, which grieves me and provides a poor example of love to the children, whom I love as I do my W.
There is obviously more to our marriage but to save tiring you readers out there, I'll end here leaving it open for discussion about what I might, could or should do to help the situation. I'm hopeful for a miracle, but believe that it will take a miracle for this one to come through the fire in one piece. She refuses to make the decision to leave despite her unhappiness, but I don't feel right going on the way we have been.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
I am a 30 something man in a professional job with a wife whom I love and have had 2 children with her. She is due for our third child together any day now. We're from quite different cultural backgrounds, but both value family highly. She was born overseas and her entire family is half way around the world. (I totally appreciate the obstacle this alone may be). My own nuclear family is about 1,000km from us but have a somewhat strained relationship with us due to religious differences. We have good social and spiritual (Christian) supports in the town we live in and generally enjoy where we live (at least this is my impression of my wife).
As in many other stories I've heard here, this has been a reasonably good relationship for the 7 years we've been married.
Only we've never been able to have a good fight. Never.
My W cannot accept any form of criticism without feeling personally attacked, and as a result builds an emotional wall to 'protect herself' as she says from any further hurt I wish to impose on her.
I never set out to hurt my W, but in my expression of disapproval of some things she may say or do, she takes it as a disapproval of her. I have come to appreciate that her father always approved of her - was the 'yes' person in her life. She envisaged marriage to be as the relationship with her father - always happy and positive with no fights or forms of disapproval.
I am the last to proclaim perfection - I have admitted emotional abuse in the past to my wife and have sought to make myself a better husband with each day. Although I stumble at times, I constantly evaluate myself and get feedback from my W to see how I'm going. No matter what good I could do for her, they make 2c deposits in her love bank whereas any minor disputes we may have make $1000 withdrawals. I cannot seem to redeem the love she said she had when we got married.
In retrospect, this has been going on for some time, mainly centred on my concern over living in the country her family live in (a terribly third-world country), and each visit to her country has reinforced her desire to want to stay with or without me. That was before children, and even after having children together the same sentiment remains.
We are both Christians, but her self-confessed stubbornness refuses to give up my past transgressions against her. She is the life of the party with happy people around her but clams up each time I want to discuss our marriage situation, and gives vague answers that are neither here nor there in the few responses she manages to make. Nevertheless, it has been made quite clear that she 'once loved me' but no longer and 'cannot find it in her heart to love again'. She claims that 'God needs to change her heart' and has not taken responsibility for her own attitudes, which has frustrated me immensely.
I have never been physically abuse, believe I have mended many of my ways emotionally and spend almost all my non-working time at home helping out with the kids. Very rarely do I get appreciation from this, let alone any being genuine. Not that this bothers me all that much. What matters more is our loveless marriage, which grieves me and provides a poor example of love to the children, whom I love as I do my W.
There is obviously more to our marriage but to save tiring you readers out there, I'll end here leaving it open for discussion about what I might, could or should do to help the situation. I'm hopeful for a miracle, but believe that it will take a miracle for this one to come through the fire in one piece. She refuses to make the decision to leave despite her unhappiness, but I don't feel right going on the way we have been.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.