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Discussion Starter #1
My wife had an affair so I asked her to moved out. She is currently living in another City but wants to move back home.

Here is a letter I wrote her...I keep on asking myself would it be a mistake to go back to this relationship because you have cheated on me twice already, why would I trust you not to do it again. I know it would be a mistake to renew our relationship unless we had a specific plan and methodology to MAKE SURE that this pattern would not just repeat again. Think of it this way... It happened once online but I forgave you because of the magnitude of our love, obviously. But neither one of us followed through with our counseling plan to MAKE SURE that this pattern would not return and repeat again. I just HOPED it will not happen again, but it did…[This time physically]

How will YOU build my trust in you? Trust is not something I would be willing to just give you again. You need to be able to earn it. I have absolutely no obligation or even reason to trust you again. You need to give me a reason. And not just appeal to my heart for it, because I’m too generous. The only real way you will be able to build trust is over time by your words and actions. These words and actions will need to portray a new level of honesty, awareness, responsibility and truthfulness to me. In other words, you will have to do some major personal growth and show it to me. You also will have to help me heal the wounds of this affair, by showing up and being truly present and creating a supportive space in which I can express my anger, fear and pain and be heard -- for as long as it takes for me to heal.

This is what she wrote back...I can only prove to you how much I love you and I am sorry by my actions and therefore I would be willing to do anything, I would go to church with you, talk to the priest if you want me to, I would go to counseling to address my issues, ( the running away etc..) I would cook for you, I would get rid of facebook, get rid of my male friends, and devote myself to you and us.

I can't stress that I have learned my lesson and living my life without you in it, is unbearable. I love you, and I am prepared to spend the rest of my life proving it to you. I would be willing to get out more, and even be nice to [my dog], and take her in the bush. I would never complain again about living in the [my city].

I am only human, and I have made many mistakes but I am so so so sorry, words can't say how much. I beg your forgiveness and give me the chance to show you how much I really do love you. Some couples have overcome much worse, and we still have the love so I just want to be able to fix my mistakes and love you again.

I know I sound repetitive, but [my name], I love you deeply, and I am asking for a last chance to prove it to you. I am praying to God that he will help us. I am willing to let go of my anger and really let God and the church back in my life.

I think we could be stronger in the long run and really have a great life together.

..... My wife suffers from anxiety and depression but on most part has been able to control it with medication except for the last 2 years because her child (my step-child) has been committed to the Psych ward numerous times and each time this happens a little part of my wife dies inside [The running away comment above] Even though we have a bit of co-depend relationship, bottom line I still very much love my wife but I don't trust her....

She has been calling me daily crying to give her another chance...:confused:
 

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Her letter to you sounds sincere. If I were in your shoes my biggest concern is her mental and emotional stability. Chronic anxiety and depression are h3ll to deal with.

Was her behavior erratic? I would suspect the answer is yes. Running hot & cold. Unless YOU are willing to be very supportive and tolerant I would be very dubious about long term success. No matter how much she WANTS to work on your marriage I doubt she will be able to sustain the amount of work that is needed.

You can give it a try but don't do it without firm rules about counseling, strict adherence to prescribed meds and absolutely no social media.

Was her affair long term?
Is her affair partner someone she's likely to see in daily activities?
How did you discover her affair?
How did she react?

You need to provide answers to these questions in order to give posters a better picture of the relationship and provide appropriate opinions.
Good luck my friend.
 

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Ages..

Who was the OM?

Is she still seeing him ?

How long did it go ?

How did you find out ?

How did she react initially ?

How was she before the affair ?

How was she during the affair ?

Finances. Is she independent or does she depend on you ? Where is she living now ?

Do you have kids with her ?
 

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Is $$ another reason she wants to come back?

Words are just that. All the promises she made on her response are things that you know she won't be able to keep for the long term.

It's up to you to weigh the pros and cons of taking her back. What will you gain by taking her back?
 

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Who were the OM1 and OM2

How did they meet?

Where they married? Will your wife write a confession letter to each of their wives?

Will your wife take an STD test?

Will your wife never go out drinking, partying, carousing without you ever again?

Will your wife open up and give you full clear access to her phone and where abouts at all times forever?

Will your wife give you all her passwords to all account

Will she truly give up male friends forever?

If she won't do all the above without hesitation then don't even consider it,

And for you - don't take her back until she has done all the above.
 

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10y it seems that your heart and brain are conflicting with each other. I'm the type that goes with brain.

I know what you must be wanting is some reassurance that it'll never happen again unfortunately her past actions cannot be overlooked.

In my first marriage my wife messed around and we worked through it. A few years later she messed around again and I divorced her so I know where I stand on this. It was HARD but I remember one morning when we had been separated for a few weeks a profound thought hit me. I was in love with who I thought she was and not who she actually was. The woman I was in love would not cheat and certainly would not repeat. Once it hit me that I never had what I thought I had there was no chance of R.

I noticed she said she's give up her male friends. I think opposite sex friends are such a dangerous thing to a relationship. It just sets the stage for bad things to happen.
 

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Since I have been in a similar situation with my own step daughter, and also have a WW that may soon be my FWW, I would like to give you some of my insight.

First, a question. Do you love your step child and do they regard you as dad? I only ask because if that is the case, no matter what your WW says to you, she will do anything to keep you in their life. Having a child with psychiatric issues not only crushes most marriages, it also presents a serious issue to the custodial parent when seeking a new relationship.

My advice, divorce your wife as you are merely an anchor for her. You deserve better, we all do. I could understand forgiving one instance of cheating, but this is pattern behavior that will most likely continue.

My condolences on your old life, but try to look forward to your new life that is out there waiting on you to grab it by the horns!
 

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Yes she's learned her lesson, until the next cute guy that happens to be available comes along. Of course she'll do it to you again! Believe me when I tell you I know about serial cheaters.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
The first time she got caught was because her step-daughter caught her talking inappropriately with this guy via facebook (She logged into her daughters PC in the hospital and didn't log out). I forgave her and we did a few counseling sessions but the counselor said couple counseling would probable not help us until she worked through her daughter problems and got control of her anxiety. Her depression spiraled downward and she left a few months later saying she needs a "break" from it all (She ran away from her daughter as well). She moved in with a male friend (Nothing happened with him) and during our separation she had sex with another male friend. Over much trepidation I forgave her and she moved back. Things were good for a few months but then her daughter got sick again and things started spiraling down. I went on her computer and seen that she was deleting emails in her facebook telling her male friend (The one that nothing happened with) that she wanted to move back. I told her because she wasn't 100% into making our relationship work that I wanted her to leave. She has moved back to the same city but her male friend has a new relationship so she couldn't move back with him. She is staying with family.

You are absolutely right my head is conflicted with my heart. I had 10years with this woman... To answer the question regarding finances. She was making very good money until her daughter got sick and for the last two years she has been relying on me. I know she has depleted her savings now but she landed herself a very good job that pays the same that she had here.
 

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You will have a lot of pain and she turns to this other man versus you.

Take your time. She has slept with more than one guy and more than once.

The problem you have is you keep forgives too easy so she keeps doing the same thing. She is not going to change and if she does it will be for a short while. You were ok with her sleeping with someone else.

These are not mistakes but choices.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Only proof I have is this one guy, this one time. She lives a very simple life. Doesn't drink. Doesn't party. I know her whereabouts pretty much all the time. Not to say it isn't possible that there aren't more, just unlikely.
 

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The point is cheaters lie. You did a good job in throwing her out. You are defined by actions. I would file D. D does not always end a marriage but it does show you are serious and forces change.

Focus on yourself first. Do not do anything until you have your head together. Again actions speak volumes.
 

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If you believe you both love each other, and if your willing to forgive her, then it seems to me the only real question you need to ask yourself is whether or not you're prepared to take on her mental issues, and make allowances for them whenever they manifest in ways that challenge the marriage. Note that I didn't say "if they manifest", I said "whenever they manifest", because if her infidelity is being linked to her psychological issues (rightly or wrongly) then I believe it will happen again.

If you reconcile, you fully own the situation your putting yourself in. You will need to go into it expecting the worse, and working overtime to assure the best outcome.

T
 
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As you can tell I'm leaning more towards another chance... Here are my needs that I'm writing her.

What I need or my answer is no.

You go to counselling regularly
You go to DBT for your anxiety regularly
You change your doctor. I’ll see if Doctor [XXXXXXX] is taking patients.
If your daughter gets sick again and you shut down and put up your walls we are done.
You can keep your Facebook, Hotmail, and any other social media accounts, but I have all passwords and if I see you delete anything to try to hide your tracks we are done. (You know it is easy for me to find out)
You can keep your phone but I want to see your statements. If I see any texts or phone calls to male “friends” we are done. Do not delete anything from your phone to try to hide your tracks or we are done. (You know it is easy for me to find out)
You get a job and contribute financially to the household
You keep the house clean. The whole time we have been separated the house has been clean, so I know it is you and not your kids. I do not want to wake up to a mess. I do not want to come home from work to a mess.
If you are not working I want a meal ready for us to eat regardless if you have no appetite. If you are working then I’ll be cooking. I don’t want to come home and being told you ate a late lunch so fend for myself.
I want you to be nice to [My dog]
I want us to go to church together again but first I want you to speak with the priest.
I want you to join the gym and we will be going together regularly. At least 3 – 4 times a week. I’ll be setting that up the first week you come back.
I don’t want to hear about how awful the [my city] is. The grass wasn’t greener on the other side was it?…
I need us to get out and do things that don’t cost much money. (Hike, bike, walk, fish, sliding, baseball, drive to see Christmas Lights on houses, etc) And I need you to be in charge of this and make the plans (But ask me first because of my work) I want this to happen every week or every other week.
Your daughter is allowed to visit but I want NO arguing with her!
You can continue to taxi your daughter to her appointments but if you start arguing with her or ***** to me about taking her then you cannot do it anymore and she will have to rely on her boyfriend and cousin.
I’m going to buy the book, “Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity” and we are going to read it to each other. I want you to evaluate all your male “friends” after we read this book and honestly remove any inappropriate friendships. You knew [Guy she had the affair with] wanted more than just friendship but you kept in contact with him because you wanted that foot out in case our relationship didn’t work. Are these male friends truly just male friends? (XXXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXXX, etc.)
No more setting up backup plans in case our relationship doesn’t work out. That will be scary for you I know! But I’ll be fully committed if you are fully committed.
Like I said before I’m very powerless regarding your depression and your daughter’s mental illness but I’m there for you. I’ve always been there for you even if you didn’t think so.
You have any type of an affair, emotionally or physically again regardless how much time has transpired, we will be done. No more chances!!
 

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If your heading down this road, then write this out and have her sign it...sure it ain't legaly binding but the point here is it makes a clear statement that she agrees to this submission and release of her privacy.

Maybe in her mind signing this "contract" will mean more if its put into (black and white) words and referred to in the future, rather then more words that were said time and again in the past.

If it was me I would give it some time and see if she can do these thing you mention 1st...on her own. Then down the road you can meet with the counselor and check on her progress.

I'm thinking she starts this R "program" on her own in her current city before she come back. Sure confirming this would be problematic, but at the very least this kind of "program" should be started before she comes back. Maybe some how you can validate her progress thru other support group like family and friends that are in her current city. Again even meeting with the counselor that will help with this transition.

In short it seems like you are just jumping into this *again* with out her doing any real heavy lifting first. It seem like all word from her *again*.
 

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I want you to be nice to [My dog]
10year, it sounds like you have a plan, and I have to admit, I smiled when I read, be nice to my dog.

T
 

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It’s not like she is mean to her, but she is always complaining about her. She is the one that picked her up but because she is not the brightest dog and doesn’t listen too well, she wanted to get rid of her. I said no, she is a part of this family and isn’t going anywhere. It is us that didn’t take the time to train her properly. She is not that bad. She doesn’t come when you call her, she runs away and she greets people with too much excitement but overall she is a great dog.
 

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, but but because she is not the brightest dog and doesn’t listen too well, she wanted to get rid of her. ...She is not that bad. She doesn’t come when you call her, she runs away and she greets people with too much excitement but overall she is a great dog.
For a minute I thought you were talking about your wife.

I'm just kidding. I think you have a good plan. I hope she writes you a letter agreeing to all this so you can pull it out when you need to and remind her of her promises. Good luck.

You sound like very good man. She should appreciate that!
 

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OK I've decided to give it one last go... I made some small changes to my "wants" and she agreed. Thanks again for all your points of view!!

You go to counselling regularly
You go to DBT for your anxiety regularly
Change your doctor. I’ll see if Doctor [XXXXXX] is taking patients.
I want to make love at least a few times per month, to weekly. Your lack of intimacy and physical touch is a big part of our issues.
You get help regarding your PMS. I know you don’t see it, but your emotional state is directly tied to your cycle.
If your daughter gets sick again and you shut down and put up your walls we are done.
You can keep your Facebook, Hotmail, and any other social media accounts, but I have all passwords and if I see you delete anything to try to hide your tracks we are done. (You know it is easy for me to find out)
You can keep your phone. If I see any texts or phone calls to male “friends” that are inappropriate we are done. (eg “harmless” flirting) Do not delete anything from your phone to try to hide your tracks or we are done. (You know it is easy for me to find out)
You get a job and contribute financially to the household
You keep the house clean. The whole time we have been separated the house has been clean, so I know it is you and not your kids. I do not want to wake up to a mess. I do not want to come home from work to a mess. If you are not working you will be doing the majority of the cleaning. If you are working then we will be both be helping out.
If you are not working, I want a meal ready for us to eat regardless if you have no appetite. If you are working then I’ll be cooking. I don’t want to come home and being told you ate a late lunch so fend for myself.
I want you to be nice to [my dog] and you will help raise her. Eg. Feeding her, putting her on the treadmill or walking her, picking up her dog poo, putting her outside, etc..
I want us to go to church together again but first I want you to speak with the priest.
I want you to join the gym and we will be going together regularly. At least 3 – 4 times a week. I’ll be setting that up the first week you come back.
I don’t want to hear about how awful the [my city] is. The grass wasn’t greener on the other side was it?…
I need us to get out and do things that don’t cost much money. (Hike, bike, walk, fish, sliding, baseball, drive to see Christmas Lights on houses, etc) And I need you to be in charge of this and make the plans (But ask me first because of my work) I want this to happen every week or every other week.
You will sleep in our bed and not on the couch or spare room. You can continue watching your TV show in our room.
Your daughter is allowed to visit but I want NO arguing with her!
You can continue to taxi your daughter to her appointments but if you start arguing with her or ***** to me about taking her then you cannot do it anymore and she will have to rely on her boyfriend, cousin or bus. She was fending for herself quite fine when you were not here.
I’m going to buy the book, “Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity” and we are going to read it to each other. I want you to evaluate all your male “friends” after we read this book and honestly remove any inappropriate friendships. You knew [Guy she had the affair with] wanted more than just friendship but you kept in contact with him because you wanted that foot out in case our relationship didn’t work. Are these male friends’ truly just male friends and one of you don’t want more? (XXXXXXXX, XXXXXXXX, XXXXXXXX, XXXXXXXX, etc.)
No more setting up backup plans in case our relationship doesn’t work out. That will be scary for you I know! But I’ll be fully committed if you are fully committed.
Like I said before I’m very powerless regarding your depression and your daughter’s mental illness but I’m there for you. I’ve always been here for you even if you didn’t think so.
You have any type of an affair, emotionally or physically again regardless how much time as transpired, we will be done. No more chances!!
To be honest, It feels like I’m just jumping into this *again* without YOU doing any real heavy lifting first. It seems like all your words and promises have no weight because I heard it all before. I’m dead serious [Wife] about my needs. If you don’t action each and every one of them and stay with them, then we will be done….
If you agree to my needs and are committed to making it work with me then you can come home. Sign this paper when you come back.
 

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You get help regarding your PMS. I know you don’t see it, but your emotional state is directly tied to your cycle.
Whew! Now you're pushing your luck, 10year, lol, are you sure you want to keep the above item in your letter?

Hey, if you leave it in, make sure it isn't that time of month when you send it to her; seriously.

T
 
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