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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
He just announced on FB that we are separated. I figured if he were ashamed or embarrased, that he would keep it to himself. I am calling lawyers and working on odds and ends to day anyway, but should I just assume this is done? It has been just under a week since I confronted and he admitted. How long do I wait to see if he's going to become human again? Is there any point in thinking such a thing would happen?

I really want to post something snarky in the comments under his FB post, but I don't want this to get any more contentious and expensive than it already is if we are heading towards a D. Should I just post something on my wall, block it from him and express the reason we are separated? Or continue to be the bigger person and just let it go?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Expose or you take the risk of being painted as the bad guy for the break up.
I told both sides of the family a few days ago. I am not sure I care what his couple of FB friends think. I don't know who else I would expose to at this point. His friends are enabling him, so I won't be able to break through that anyway.
 

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I'm sorry to hear that he's taking that approach. Sounds exactly like something my H would do. I have no doubt that he will absolutely make me out to be the bad guy. He's 100% unwilling to own up to anything he did. I've been trying to deal with this since the end of July. I'll have to find your original post. Wishing you the best.
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Block him on FB, did you expose to the OW husband, BF, Family. You need to take that step. Not sure what happended in your case was it a PA? Get yourself checked for STD's, Call the Attorney and get yourself into IC right away
 

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DO NOT respond to any FB postings he makes. My ex never shut up about the divorce despite him being the one to cheat and leave. I have maintained a dignified silence throughout and have now defriended him. I can't tell you the number of people who have told me that it makes *him* look like a d*ck

the people who matter to you won't be impressed, anyone who's posting positive messages to him? Defriend them too
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 · (Edited)
Block him on FB, did you expose to the OW husband, BF, Family. You need to take that step. Not sure what happended in your case was it a PA? Get yourself checked for STD's, Call the Attorney and get yourself into IC right away
If you read other posts, there are updates. I don't know who OW is, or how many. I suspect he used a dating service, so it could be one or many. Dr said to wait 3 months before STD testing since it takes that long to get a full read on many things & it is cheaper to do it all at once. Not sure if I'll still have health insurance then. Counseling appt. was on the books before I found out, but now will change focus. Talking to lawyers, but wondering how long to black him out & see if he breaks the silence, versus filing. I feel like it should be more than a week, but I also don't want to take on liability by waiting too long.

ETA: I exposed to his family & my family, as well as the one friend he didn't tell me already knew anyway. I don't think it is making a lick of difference. Since I don't know OW(s) I don't have any way to bust him there. My other threads deal with the fact that vengeance is just not part of my life style as a pacifist, so I don't really have any desire to spend money or jump through a bunch of hoops to try & track down who she is & what's going on, when it won't change the fact that he disrespects me. It might stop the affair & it might make him come back, but I'm not sure that's the reason I want him coming back. I'd rather it be because he just had a change of heart. If it doesn't, then I know what type of person he's really become.
 

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Just as an aside, it makes it easier to keep track of your story if you stick with one thread.

So to recap, you found out he has been cheating on you for months. He is as of yet totally unrepentant. You both live in a house that was yours prior to the marriage. You've taken steps to secure your half of available funds. You went to visit family over the weekend, giving him a deadline of Sunday to vacate if he chose to continue the affair. While you were gone, he took out his half of the joint savings.

Is that about right? Is he still in your house?
 

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Just as an aside, it makes it easier to keep track of your story if you stick with one thread.

So to recap, you found out he has been cheating on you for months. He is as of yet totally unrepentant. You both live in a house that was yours prior to the marriage. You've taken steps to secure your half of available funds. You went to visit family over the weekend, giving him a deadline of Sunday to vacate if he chose to continue the affair. While you were gone, he took out his half of the joint savings.

Is that about right? Is he still in your house?
Agreed. Stick to one thread.
 

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So, did he leave over the weekend? Or is he still in YOUR house?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Just as an aside, it makes it easier to keep track of your story if you stick with one thread.

So to recap, you found out he has been cheating on you for months. He is as of yet totally unrepentant. You both live in a house that was yours prior to the marriage. You've taken steps to secure your half of available funds. You went to visit family over the weekend, giving him a deadline of Sunday to vacate if he chose to continue the affair. While you were gone, he took out his half of the joint savings.

Is that about right? Is he still in your house?
Yes, that is pretty much it & he is gone. Thankfully he left in peace and didn't screw the house up or take more than was his. I'm quite sure he's still cheating and I think he's living with a friend, even though they can't possibly have room for him (just more taking advantage of people--this is the friend who knew and didn't tell me, apparently).

Today he made first contact & sent an email saying he has CCs and keys to give me and wants to know whether to pay his half of car insurance or whether I kicked him off of the policy. His car is in my name so I didn't want it to go uninsured, so he's paid for another month. But I just don't know what to do with this info. I have to go back to work today. I can't afford not to, but I just want to puke.
 

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Tell him to pay his half, and bring the car back, so you can sell it. Have you found a lawyer? I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but look on the bright side, he has made the hard choice, making your choice pretty simple for the time being.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Tell him to pay his half, and bring the car back, so you can sell it. Have you found a lawyer? I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but look on the bright side, he has made the hard choice, making your choice pretty simple for the time being.
I've talked with two. Haven't made a decision yet. Both suggest just signing it over since it isn't worth much of anything & sorting it out during proceedings, rather than taking the chance of him getting mad & making the negotiations difficult when/if they happen.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I signed the car over but made him sign something saying he owed me the value if assets were further divided. Now he has liquidated our final acct, but I will get the check for now. He wants to meet to divide it. I don't know if this is a good idea so we can be pretty much separate but cordial or if I need to get a lawyer involved so nothing comes back to bite me. I still don't understand how all of this works.

I did cave, as I felt I needed to be true to myself once the numbness wore off and wrote him a note to tell him that I had been reacting in crisis mode when I kicked him out, but still wanted to be married and work on the marriage if he cut things off with OW and was willing to work hard. I just had to put the words out there to know I had tried, even though it probably wasn't a good idea. I haven't heard back, of course, but also haven't been told by him that he wants to initiate a final split either.

It has only been a couple of weeks since dday, though, and a couple of days post letter. How long do I wait around, trying to recommit to the 180, to see if he also changes? How long can I hold onto that check made out to both of us? Should I freeze him out on that? The big reason I consider waiting is because he is my access to health insurance. I figure I might as well maintain that as long as I can if he is going to screw me over otherwise. It is going to be very difficult for me to find and afford insurance otherwise, so it is a significant concern.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Today is his birthday. I hate not seeing him or celebrating. I feel like it is mean to not email a happy birthday to him. I know that wouldn't be part of the 180, but I'm just so sad. I will probably take myself out to dinner for his birthday rather than sit home. I don't think he misses me at all. I hate the idea in my head that he'll be out celebrating with someone else. I miss being his wife.
 

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It's going to take time, but you'll get through this. It sounds cliche, but it wasn't you, it is him. He's the one who is messed up. Have you seen a councellor? Are you taking care of yourself? Eating properly and exercising? Are you a reader?
 
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