[confusedgirl]

My boyfriend of a month has a lot of anger issues and he's actually killed people in his past. He's grown up in the hood and ghettos of detroit and st louis both top the murder capitals list. I really like him and I've found out a lot about him thru stories and things he's been thru. He's been thru foster care cuz his mom couldn't take care of him and his siblings and his dad just denied them not wanting them. So one of my ex's also had anger issues and went nuts on me telling me he'd kill my family wanted me to give him money basically to save everyones life n such. That was my most recent ex and I really haven't dated since him which was about 16 months prior to my current boyfriend. My friends are really scared for me and think I should let him go, as I know me and him can always be friends if it comes down to it. A huge issue I have is his family loves me his niece's and nephew's are closer to me then I am to my own family. I really really like this guy and see maybe a future for us or us moving forward maybe within the next few months. Some more background info... his brother was shot 4 years ago and he's had a lot of issues because of that but really do you blame him?Do you deny somebody love because what they've done and been thru in their past, and just pass them by like the wind? So my question basically is do I go with my heart/happiness because I'm happy with him... Or do I listen to my friends that think he's going to end up hurting me and just remain friends with him?

 

[draconis]

Let me put it this way is it worth risking your life on a gamble? How about if the two of you have kids would you risk their lives? The point is unless he is a completely different person with no anger issues EVER. Never raises his voice, swears, or hurts people, doesn't punch walls or animals I wound say he is a risk. Even if he doesn't do anything he is still a minor risk at that. Plus when people have done trouble like that they invite trouble even 20 years after they have stopped it. One day someones brother that he killed might come looking.....

Point is, your friends are right you need to find a nice guy.

draconis

 

[evenow]

Well I guess it all comes down to how far has he come from his past? Is he willing to get help for his issues with anger before you commit to him?

You can deny someone your commitment/love if they show you that their loyalty is to something else: Their pain, their past, themselves. It doesn't matter where a person comes from, it's where they're at now. If he's still locked in his hurt there really isn't any room for you there.

I would never recommend dating someone with anger issues. I saw it in my own father and it DOESN'T GET BETTER ON IT'S OWN. It doesn't matter what YOU do, it's what HE does. You can date him exclusively, get married, have children--it doesn't get better until the person seeks professional help. It took YEARS for the person to develop these issues and they don't go away overnight. Have you ever heard it takes 1000 nice words to cover up one hurtful one? With all that he's been through he has a long uphill battle that most people refuse to take on and lash out at others because it is easier than dealing with what they need to.

In the end, it's your call. But your friends may be right and he may end up hurting you mentally, physically and emotionally.

 

[Delphi]

Your first sentence says it all. Someone's past behaviour is the best indicator of their future behaviour. I'm sorry he has had such an unfortunate upbringing and environment but their impact is now entrenched.

And please don't believe that old myth that the love of a good woman can change any man - it won't. We are what we are, our personalities are forged when we are young and it is extremely difficult if not impossible to change them. And this man's personality is violent.

Don't try and make a future life with someone who is so dysfunctional.

 

[Nerka]

My advice is not to continue this relationship because you don't know what can snap in his head and what he could do to you. You need to protect yourself and find someone who is not violent. You need to feel safe when you are with someone.

 

[Explizite]

Violence is the only way which can destroy relations in matter of hours. Find yourself someone who really cares about you, someone who will protect you, someone behind who's back you will feel yourself secure.

 

[3plus3]

Is he willing to move from his past? Not hang around with the old crowd, get into the old habits, etc? Has he been violent towards you?

 

[draconis]

confusedgirl ~ Any updates?

draconis

 

[SageMother]

Could it be that you haven't really analyzed your own expectations for your future? If you can see this person has problems with anger, hasn't been exposed to other ways of dealing with life, and is ill prepared to take care of himself in a healthy fashion, how can you justify punishing yourself by linking your future to his?

 

[tater03]

How long has he stayed out of trouble? And has he showed any violent tendicies since you have been with him? Personally I do feel that people can change but when it comes to a past such as his I would definently think twice and tread slowly. Having only been with him a month I am really not to sure that you can really know how he is now.

 

[miss.kitty]

Anger problems are serious. I think if it's going to work, then he needs to seek professional help on dealing with his anger in a healthy manner.

I have an older brother who (with a mix of mental problems), has a big anger management problem. He has killed in his past as well. I can tell you - knowing him for this long - he'll never change until he realizes his problem and honestly wants to get help in changing for the better.

My advice is to talk opening with him on how you feel about it and see if he is willing to try to get help or work on his problems.

No matter what has happened in someone's past - it's not a normal thing to deal with anger in the way you are speaking of.