[Gladiator]

Its been over a year and a half since I got married to my wife. We did not know each other before marriage except for a couple of months of courtship time wherein the interactions were also minimal. We got married and few months later moved together to a new country where I work. For the first few months after we landed in a new place, it was hell.. Literally. I had to go through the following:

1. Violent behaviour (during which she would bite me, scratch me with her nails, hit me and few occasions threw at me whatever came to her hand) by her once every 4-7 days lasting for about 1-2 hours continued with profuse crying.
2. Kept repeatedly telling during such episodes that she wanted to 'undo' everthing of this Marriage.
3. Did a lot of 'hate speech' (that she hated me to the core) about me on and off and definitely during those violent episodes.
4. Highly short tempered and ultrasensitive to any kind of talking I do. I was completely scared to talk to her anything. Because, you never know how it would be perceived and interpreted by her. Her only intention during 'any' conversation was to find fault with what I do, what I talk, how I talk, etc. or end up accusing me of having insulted her.
5. Very very adamant and arrogant. Never ever liked to get told anything. Even the most basic things in life and even if done very politely. Rather, she did not even like to do anything that I talk about. She always wanted to do the opposite of what I say.

This kind of behaviour stopped after around 9-10 months when we decided to buy a new house and move in. I thought things would get better in the new place with we being in our own place. That dint help much either. But definitely the intensity of fights & arguments reduced. However, the relationship was still in its downward trend non-stop.

All this time she was not working. After a break of around 1.5 years, she has got a job and started working.

In the last 3-4 months, we did have strong arguments and after that would live under the same roof with very minimal basic interactions for at least 2-3 days in row! I have stopped arguing with her these days. If she accuses me of anything, I keep quiet. That will also infuriate her that I am not feeling sorry or apologising. I would not have done anything wrong at all. It will all be her assumption.

The basic problem I understand is that she does not trust me. Not in the sense that I will have an affair. She trusts that I will not do that. At least thats what I think. I would also be very clear on this. I would not cheat her under any circumstances. But with other insignificant things, she does not trust me at all. She does not like me calling and talking to my Mom. She does not want to meet any of my friends. I had to really force her to come a couple of times. After that I have stopped calling people home or going to others houses.

Another problem that I have noticed is that she assumes a lot of things. I would not have said anything like what she claims I did. But she will insist that I said that and start and arguments which will continue for a few days. I just keep quiet without knowing what to do. I am not sure how long I can survive like this.

I am terribly afraid and scared of her, not attracted physically to her anymore, minimal interest to have sex with her, unable to get any emotional connect with her, unable to speak my mind in any form or be myself and feeling totally suppressed and controlled by her.

Nowadays, she has started saying that she wants to leave me after making some money. My understanding is that she just hates living with me. I dont see any point in sticking to someone you are not happy with. So, if she decides to leave me and go, it would not come as a surprise. I am ok with that if that will make her and feel happy in/with life.

I am not sure what is triggering this kind of behaviour in her. Possibly, her parents did not share a good relationship together. This is my inference from what she has told me of them. Her Dad is a chain smoker with occasional drinking episodes. Apparantly, he used to beat her Mom as well which she has witnessed several times. If I open any of these topics for discussion I am dead meat!

Even though I want to save this Marriage, I just dunno what to do in this sitiation!!!

 

[Susan2010]

If you want to save the marriage, which I don't know why, you will have to ask her to go to marriage counseling with you. You are married to an abusive woman, who also needs individual counseling but I doubt she will agree to that.

 

[unbelievable]

Domestic Violence laws forbid the appropriate remedy for this situation. I will catch loads of grief over saying so, but back in the day, a trip to the woodshed would have cured this one's malfunction and possibly salvaged a decent wife, or at least a less irritable, non violent one. Alas, that is no longer a realistic option, but divorce is. I can't think of any logical reason for hanging on to such a woman unless a guy just craves everlasting punishment. Is she adding something to your life other than misery and torment? Have you done something so evil in your life that you warrant a life sentence?
If I were feeling especially generous, I might give her a chance to square away (which she won't). I might tell her that you don't expect her to always be loving and sweet but that you do expect her to be civil, non-threatening, and non-violent in her dealings with you. If she chooses to cross that boundary, all bets are off and her bags are immediately and permanently on the curb. Let her brighten some other guy's day with her sunshiny disposition.

 

[Gladiator]

Susan & Unbelieveable:

Thanks for your replies. What I am trying to do here is to find out if I have made any mistake in not keeping her happy to make her behave like this. Or, anything from her past is making her hate men. I am not sure. If I break up with her, I am not going to be able to come out of it or possibly try be intimate with another woman. The wreckage caused by separation will make me lose respect for any female. I dont want that to happen.

In many respects, she is a nice girl. If something cane be done to find out whats really bothering her, things could possibly change for the better.

 

[unbelievable]

Gladiator, you can't make people happy. People decide to be happy or miserable. The earth is green because it's been fertilized with the decaying corpses of billions of people who have killed themselves trying to put a grin on someone's face. This woman is a miserable person, not because you make her so, but because she prefers it that way and she doesn't know how to be anything else.

 

[greenpearl]

Some women have these traits:
They are jealous. They are insecure. They are demanding. They are inconsiderate. They are arrogant. They are selfish. They think that men should treat them like children, so they act like children. They always blame others for their unhappiness, but don't know they themselves are the problems. I can keep on going......................
She is making herself unhappy. She won't be happy elsewhere. She can destroy you if you are not strong.
She has to learn her lessons, or she can grow old and become a miserable witch.

 

[greenpearl]

Some women threaten their men with divorce all the time. Next time is she does it, just tell her it is OK. And see how she reacts. If you are too lenient towards her, she just thinks that she can act silly and never learn!

 

[Gladiator]

Greenpearl - Thanks for your comments.

I do agree with the points in your first post. But, if I treat her like a child, that too creates hell lot of problem saying I dont treat her equal with me. If I treat her equal and act accordingly, I am called inconsiderate. Strange!!

On your second post, I have tried saying yes when she yelled she wanted to get divorced. She immediately got violent and started physically attacking me like anything. It was soo violent that to stop her, I had to hit back at her. I felt really bad after that though. But the situation was uncontrollable

 

[greenpearl]

Greenpearl - Thanks for your comments.

I do agree with the points in your first post. But, if I treat her like a child, that too creates hell lot of problem saying I dont treat her equal with me. If I treat her equal and act accordingly, I am called inconsiderate. Strange!!

On your second post, I have tried saying yes when she yelled she wanted to get divorced. She immediately got violent and started physically attacking me like anything. It was soo violent that to stop her, I had to hit back at her. I felt really bad after that though. But the situation was uncontrollable

Gladiator
For some people who never examine themselves, no matter what you do, you are always wrong, and they are always right. She thinks that she is married to you, so she has the right to act like this. That is very stupid for people to think like this. A marriage certificate doesn't give people the right to own the other one, but they think like this. They think that you should provide them with happiness, but they don't know that happiness is in control of their hands.

For some people, only they can belittle you, you can't refuse them. She threatens you with divorce, you say yes, she gets violent, that really says she can't take the failure. She doesn't want to lose face. I don't feel sorry for a person like this, unless she learns to change her attitude.

If I were you, from now on, I would plan for a divorce, don't say anything, let her act silly. Make sure I have my money, I would still provide for her because this is my responsibility.
I won't fight with her, I wouldn't do anything to her. The crazier she acts, the less guilty I feel. Then one day, I just leave.............................
If she is able to become civil, then it is another story.....................

 

[greenpearl]

I had run away from a physical abusive man( he only lifted his fist at me, he didn't even get me, I turned my back to him right away)

and a man who can't control his mouth. I endured this man for three years, because he had power over me. He got me into a university so I could study English there.(He was a professor in that university.) I endured, I studied very hard, I fought a little bit, but I knew the only way I could continue my education there was to keep quiet. I kept quiet......................
then one day I just disappeared in his life.............I left all of my clothes and books at his place, he tried to find me, he couldn't....................

I learned to speak English..............

I wasn't married to them, so it was easy for me.

Your situation is different, but please be calm and plan your future, you don't want to live with a woman like that forever, unless she changes.

For some people, they just don't deserve our kindness!!!

 

[MidwestDave]

Highly short tempered and ultrasensitive to any kind of talking I do. I was completely scared to talk to her anything. Because, you never know how it would be perceived and interpreted by her. Her only intention during 'any' conversation was to find fault with what I do, what I talk, how I talk, etc. or end up accusing me of having insulted her.

[*]Very very adamant and arrogant. Never ever liked to get told anything. Even the most basic things in life and even if done very politely. Rather, she did not even like to do anything that I talk about. She always wanted to do the opposite of what I say.

I have stopped arguing with her these days. If she accuses me of anything, I keep quiet. That will also infuriate her that I am not feeling sorry or apologising. I would not have done anything wrong at all. It will all be her assumption.

The basic problem I understand is that she does not trust me. Not in the sense that I will have an affair. She trusts that I will not do that. At least thats what I think. I would also be very clear on this. I would not cheat her under any circumstances.

Another problem that I have noticed is that she assumes a lot of things. I would not have said anything like what she claims I did. But she will insist that I said that and start and arguments which will continue for a few days. I just keep quiet without knowing what to do. I am not sure how long I can survive like this.

Even though I want to save this Marriage, I just dunno what to do in this sitiation!!!

Other than the violent behavior, the thought process is EXACTLY like my wife. Unfortunately I have no good ideas for you, other than the counselor. But that only works if BOTH parties want to change something. In our case, we go to the counselor, my wife's only intent is to "change me" she has not the slightest interest in looking at herself or try to improve her behaviors, or to admit she has any fault of any sort. Her only fault is "how she reacts to my bad behavior", in other words, I'm the source of all the problems. It's a self esteem issue, her world falls apart if she admits she's not perfect (in the behavior area).

Finally, I concluded that we are basically incompatible. And, that leads to more and more resentment and unhappiness for both of us which comes out in worse and worse ways as we deal with our frustration. Both in the way we treat each other, and bad stuff like overeating, drinking, prescription drug use, mental/emotional deterioration, etc.

I don't know your age, but if there are no kids (or even if there are) if a counselor does not work, you must seriously think about making a plan for your future, without her.

 

[MidwestDave]

This woman is a miserable person, not because you make her so, but because she prefers it that way and she doesn't know how to be anything else.

This is one of the truest things I have ever read. Sad, but true. Just like my wife! It's a form of masochism in one view, one who gets some unhealthy enjoyment from suffering and self-flagellation; but it is also a power game, a way to "win" through being able to manipulate someone else into suffering with them.

 

[unbelievable]

Nobody does anything repeatedly unless they get a reward. If she is continuously hostile to you, it's because you reward the behavior in some way. Maybe you let her drag you into a fight. Maybe you jump through flaming hoops for her, trying to make her happy again.
Tell her you won't tolerate or participate in uncivil, childish behavior. When she raises her voice, cusses, or throws things, walk away. Take a drive. Let her connect her pushiness with abandonment. Teach her that if she wants to talk to you, she will talk as a rational, civil, adult. If she hits you, call the police. They get paid to deal with violence. If she threatens suicide, call 9-11. EMS gets paid to deal with crazy. Nobody can repeatedly do anything to you that you don't allow.

 

[Gladiator]

Greenpearl, MidwestDave & Unbelieveable - Thanks for your thoughts & suggestions.

May be I will have to plan my exit from this relationship. Thats how it looks. Today morning was another terrible day with a bad fight and several bruises to my body. It is getting unmanageable. She is constantly craving for attention and behaves "Me,Me,Me.. My,My,My.. Mine,MIne,Mine". This kind of behaviour is sending me crazy..

Luckily I dont have kids yet. I did not want to have any from the very beginning since her behaviour was not normal. I guess that is something that will be of help... Some kind of solace in adversity !!

I can call 911 or the police. But, I may end up being the accused when they arrive. If she starts crying in front of them and acts weirdly, I might be taken to task for no mistake of mine.

If I go for divorce, I would be in the losing end from monetary point of view. Also, I dont have any evidence of all the ill treatments I am going through. Not sure if it will help though.

One thing I will do from next time on is to stop feeding her ego by reacting to whatever she does.

If I go through the divorce process, what kind of behaviour should I expect from her? Or, how should I tell her that I wanna leave her?

 

[unbelievable]

You're the one with the bruises, besides, Cops generally can recognize a psycho. What kind of behavior should you expect if you file for divorce? I think you already know that. Expect the very worst and plan accordingly. As far as your money goes, what is your peace of mind worth and self respect worth? I bet it'd be the best investment you ever made.

 

[greenpearl]

Greenpearl, MidwestDave & Unbelieveable - Thanks for your thoughts & suggestions.

May be I will have to plan my exit from this relationship. Thats how it looks. Today morning was another terrible day with a bad fight and several bruises to my body. It is getting unmanageable. She is constantly craving for attention and behaves "Me,Me,Me.. My,My,My.. Mine,MIne,Mine". This kind of behaviour is sending me crazy..

Luckily I dont have kids yet. I did not want to have any from the very beginning since her behaviour was not normal. I guess that is something that will be of help... Some kind of solace in adversity !!

I can call 911 or the police. But, I may end up being the accused when they arrive. If she starts crying in front of them and acts weirdly, I might be taken to task for no mistake of mine.

If I go for divorce, I would be in the losing end from monetary point of view. Also, I dont have any evidence of all the ill treatments I am going through. Not sure if it will help though.

One thing I will do from next time on is to stop feeding her ego by reacting to whatever she does.

If I go through the divorce process, what kind of behaviour should I expect from her? Or, how should I tell her that I wanna leave her?

Since she is so crazy, maybe just go to a lawyer first. Make sure you have your cash first, then go to the court for the house. Some people are not reasonable when they face failures. Stay away from her and let your lawyer deal with her.
If money involved isn't much, just give it to her. Your happy future life is much more important than all the fighting and bad feeling you have to go through with her.

She'll crash and curse you and try to hurt you when you tell her you want to leave. Please be careful. Your safety is important. You know what kind of woman she is. Will she try to hurt you physically if you leave? If she will, you move to a different place and tell her you can't tolerate her anymore and you want to end, all through phone calls, then let your lawyer deal with her.

 

[Uptown]

Gladiator, the behavior you are describing is that of a woman who suffers from strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. BPD is usually accompanied by another personality disorder or depression. She thus may also be exhibiting strong traits of NPD (Narcissistic PD). Significantly, in saying that your W sounds like a "BPDer" I am saying that she exhibits strong BPD traits. I am not saying she "has BPD." Only a professional can determine whether her traits are so severe as to meet the diagnostic criteria. Because all of us have the nine BPD traits (albeit, at a low level if we are healthy), it is easy to spot a strong pattern of such traits in a woman you have been living with for two years. To do so, you only have to read about them so you know what to look for.

She is constantly craving for attention and behaves "Me,Me,Me.. My,My,My.. Mine,MIne,Mine".

BPDers typically are self centered and very clingy. One reason is that their emotional development became frozen at about four years of age. Another reason is that they hate to be alone by themselves and are very afraid of abandonment. Sometimes that fear can be hard to recognize when a BPDer is frequently threatening you with divorce. In that case, the fear likely is so great that she wants to preemptively abandon you first. Or she could have permanently split you black (more about splitting below).

if I treat her like a child, that too creates hell lot of problem saying I dont treat her equal with me. If I treat her equal and act accordingly, I am called inconsiderate. Strange!!

For a BPDer, that is predictable behavior, not strange. Due to their arrested emotional development, BPDers only have the primitive emotional defenses of a child to protect themselves. This is largely why you see your W giving irrational explanations for what she has done. As Greenpearl explained, your W is throwing temper tantrums just like a young child does. Reasoning with her is impossible while she is upset. Moreover, any attempt to discuss something with her will get her upset within a few seconds. Hence, you likely will never be able to have any sort of rational negotiation or compromise with her during your lifetime. I never was able to do so with my exW. Not once in 15 years.

This kind of behavior is sending me crazy.

It is common for partners and spouses of BPDers to think they are going crazy. It is very disorienting living with an unstable woman because she can flip -- in ten seconds -- from loving you to hating you. Moreover, her emotions are so intense that she regards them as facts, which leads to the nonsense explanations coming out of her mouth. The Nons (nonBPD exPartners) refer to this attempt at rationalization as "gaslighting." It is named after the classic 1944 movie, Gaslight, wherein the H tries to drive his wife crazy so he can have her committed and then run off with her family jewels.

It was so violent that to stop her, I had to hit back at her. I felt really bad after that though. But the situation was uncontrollable

As long as you continue to live with a woman that unstable and violent, you are at great risk of being arrested (if not hurt or killed). My exW would chase me from room to room until I would push her away from me in frustration. When she tripped and fell backwards, she called the police and had me thrown in jail for "brutalizing" her. Keep in mind that, no matter how "out of control" you W appears during a tantrum, she can switch to calm coolness in a few seconds when she knows that the police have arrived. BPDers are excellent actors because, lacking a stable sense of who they are, they were forced to start acting in childhood to survive.

The basic problem I understand is that she does not trust me.

You are correct that she cannot trust you. More accurately, she is incapable of trusting anyone because her ability to trust probably was destroyed in childhood. IMO, however, that is not the "basic problem." Rather, it likely is her having no stable sense of who she is and her being unable to control her emotions because she is emotionally stunted at age four.

She does not like me calling and talking to my Mom. She does not want to meet any of my friends.

Because BPDers are unable to trust and are terrified of abandonment, they try to control every aspect of a spouse's life so as to avoid losing him. Significantly, controlling a person is difficult if he has strong support from friends and family who will tell him "That is outrageous." So BPDers typically will try to isolate you from all friends and family. My exW, for example, started doing that from day one and she hated my foster son.

I would not have said anything like what she claims I did. But she will insist that I said that and start and arguments which will continue for a few days.

It is common for BPDers to rewrite history, claiming you did or said something. Most of the time they may actually believe the allegation because they are projecting their thought onto you or are reacting to an intense feeling that convinces them it must be true. For a more detailed explanation of this and of why BPDers do splitting (i.e., all-or-nothing thinking), please see some of my posts in LVS's thread. They start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...8-years-marriage-what-ca-i-do.html#post142257. Like you, LVS moved to this country (United States) with her H and found herself being severely verbally abused. If you have questions about anything I said, Gladiator, I would be happy to discuss them with you -- or to suggest good articles on BPD and NPD that are available free online. Take care.

 

[Gladiator]

Uptown - Thanks a ton. That looks more like it. I will do more research on BPD and NPD.

But, one thing that is always confusing me is - She praises about me to her parents and friends for nothing. I dont see a reason why she does that. It will be completely unwanted. But she projects me well to others. That really confuses me!

 

[Uptown]

One thing that is always confusing me is - She praises about me to her parents and friends for nothing. I dont see a reason why she does that.

To the extent she suffers from strong BPD traits, she typically would flip from splitting you white (i.e., adoring you) to splitting you black (i.e., hating or devaluing you). And, because BPDers are very reactive to their environment, I would expect her to bad mouth you to her parents/friends whenever she is splitting you black. That is, I agree with your expectation. Yet, because she seems to also have some strong traits of NPD, I would expect her to keep up her image of having a successful H to friends and family -- right up to the point she decides to divorce you.

At issue, then, is whether her NPD traits are stronger than her BPD traits. You have not revealed enough information to cast much light on that. I am hopeful you will figure it out on your own -- which is why I mentioned both -- and is one reason I referred you to my posts in LVS's thread, given that her H exhibits traits of both. The primary differences between the two is that, whereas BPDers are unstable and caring, NPDers are the opposite of those two things. They are stable and uncaring (i.e., they lack empathy even though they may pretend to be caring).

 

[unbelievable]

Gladiator. Perhaps she praises you to her family because her family knows only too well that she's nuts. They fully expect her to have an unhappy marriage because they have lived with her and know it's no picinic. Your wife probably praises you in the presence of her family because she wants to give them the illusion that she is capable of acting like a human being and having a normal adult relationship. It's her way of saying, "See, I'm all better now. I wasn't the problem. Y'all were."