[habigh]

Hi everyone,
my wife and have been married for about 2 years and have been dating before. Her instability and losing temper is killing me. I don't like to live like this anymore. She shouts on everything. She cannot work with anyone. She is actually doing PHD. But since I know her from senior year of undergrads, since then she was always unhappy with her supervisors and her teachers. She never accepts the opinion of people. She always create problems with people and asks me to fix it for her. I have always tell her what to do when things go wrong.
Other than that she constatnly get angry with every thing. She expect me to behave perfect. Always do what she wants and agree with whatever she says unless there is something that needs to be fixed.
She probably has bipolar disorder and she knows about it. She started mood stabilizer medication for that recently.
I don't know what to do. I should stay and help her. But don't I deserve some happiness? If things go this way I will go crazy

 

[unbelievable]

At least she understands she has a problem and she's trying to do something about it. If she is bipolar, you're in for a real treat.

 

[ThinkTooMuch]

Time to end the marriage

habigh,

You have my sympathies. I married a woman like your wife, on many days anything could set her off, her anger was white hot, our bed ice cold.

If you think she is bad now, just wait till you have kids and you become the other kid, the useless kid who doesn't do anything right.

For the sake of your life - leave now, divorce her now, don't wait until you feel miserable all the time, have trouble sleeping, don't do your job well. Whatever you do don't have children with her. If you think she's a difficult wife, just imagine her with powerless children.

google
"your state" doit yourself divorce

if you have little or no assets. You'll find forms you can fill out, and instructions.

Decide where you will live, and make the necessary arrangements.

Open a bank account in your name only using your new address, fund it equitably, and get ready to go on with your life.

Don't bother talking about your plans ahead of time, when she is out of the house pack your stuff up and move it. When she comes home tell her you will be filing for divorce as nicely as possible, put the old keys on the table and walk out the door and the start of a potentially better life after you get past guilt and remorse. It won't be easy, but it will soon be a lot better.

Money will be a problem you will have to resolve sooner or later. I'll let others speak to this issue.

Please let us know that you've made the wise choice, my ex wife's BPD got worse with time, got much worse after the birth of our 2nd child.

Mark

 

[greenpearl]

I really hope women can understand this.
"It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife."
"It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful wife."

Women should be like water, soft and smooth. Men like to see women soft and smooth!

You can be very pretty and smart, but if you are angry all the time, very soon life will make your face look ugly. Nobody likes to see a stinky face.

 

[greenpearl]

No matter how much education she has, it doesn't mean she is wise. And people with high education tend to be arrogant. She needs wisdom!!! Medicine can only help her physically, not mentally. She needs wisdom!!! Where can she get it? She has to be humble first. She has to realize she needs it. Then there are many good books in the bookstores!!!

 

[habigh]

Thanks everyone for your help and advice Things have been calm in the recent days. I dont know if i can abondon her in this situation since i think it is not ethical and i dont know if can live with the guilt anyway. Furthermore she cannot take care of herself and her parents are in a different city than where we study. I probably should try to make her understand that you cannot make everyone and everything to work toward your interests. I hope i can tell her that without a big fight and i dont know if she can understand it or realize there is a problem. Any other idea or experience you can share?
Thanks
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[magnoliagal]

I used to be that angry, unstable wife. I have healed but it has taken a long time and I put my husband through hell for 7 years before I took even one step towards changing.

 

[DelinquentGurl]

Has she been diagnosed by a professional or is she diagnosing herself?

If she truly does have BPD or is bi polar you have to understand that she cannot help it. However, she is obviously a smart woman so she should know enough about herself to realize that she needs help. If she needs help but refuses to get it, that is one thing.

Taking medication isn't enough, she needs therapy also. Is that something she is willing to do?
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Mrs.G]

I really hope women can understand this.
"It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife."
"It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful wife."

Women should be like water, soft and smooth. Men like to see women soft and smooth!

You can be very pretty and smart, but if you are angry all the time, very soon life will make your face look ugly. Nobody likes to see a stinky face.

:iagree: I learned from my mother not to be miserable. She is so hard to be around that she is lonely in her old age.

 

[Mrs.G]

At least she understands she has a problem and she's trying to do something about it. If she is bipolar, you're in for a real treat.

I am bipolar and I function quite well, thanks.
Not all of us are the same, just as not all diabetics are the same. It is an illness that can be managed; people go on to lead normal and successful lives despite having this disorder.

 

[Mrs.G]

Stable Bipolars

Has she been diagnosed by a professional or is she diagnosing herself?

If she truly does have BPD or is bi polar you have to understand that she cannot help it. However, she is obviously a smart woman so she should know enough about herself to realize that she needs help. If she needs help but refuses to get it, that is one thing.

Taking medication isn't enough, she needs therapy also. Is that something she is willing to do?
Posted via Mobile Device

I don't buy this "she cannot help it" nonsense. I was once labeled as BPD and after one year of therapy, the clinician told me that I no longer suffered from BPD. I had to want to change and take the necessary steps. I wasn't going to give up and use the illness as an excuse.

Later, I was finally diagnosed correctly as bipolar. I educated myself about my meds, got my husband to read books about this disorder and I also attend therapy. I have recently scored 90 on the GAF scale, which means: Absent or minimal symptoms (e.g., mild anxiety before an exam), good functioning in all areas, interested and involved in a wide range of activities, socially effective, generally satisfied with life, no more than everyday problems or concerns (e.g., an occasional argument with family members). :smthumbup::smthumbup:

Those who struggle with mental illness are not helpless.

 

[magnoliagal]

Re: Stable Bipolars

Those who struggle with mental illness are not helpless.

Amen to this. However many will continue to use it as a reason not to change though.

 

[rogerd]

Re: Time to end the marriage

I think my wife was diagnosed as bi-polar, she's been gone 8 months living in a mental home. Of course everything is my fault so she says. I just wish I could forget her and move on. I filed for divorce and have a case number but she has a legal guardian so I don't know what will happen. After 27 years with her it is hard to let go, especially since I took care of her all those years.

 

[DelinquentGurl]

I don't believe it should be acceptable for people to hide behind their mental illness either.
I think the majority of people in this world have the capability to change their lives. A lot of people are simply too lazy to try.
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[Mrs.G]

I don't believe it should be acceptable for people to hide behind their mental illness either.
I think the majority of people in this world have the capability to change their lives. A lot of people are simply too lazy to try.
Posted via Mobile Device

:iagree::iagree: It took a lot of work, but I knew it had to be done, or else I would end up committed for life. I refused to be institutionalized! :smthumbup:

I left the abusive environment that caused the mental illness. I was broke, but happier than I had been in years. I attended therapy, even when it was emotionally wrenching. I take my meds even though I hate to and I try to be around positive people. I have accepted that I must try to live with my illness, instead of allowing it to control me.

After more than 10 years, I have become adept at seeing signs of decline and dealing with them before they result in a hospital stay. Psych wards are as depressing as any cell block must be. The nurses are often abusive & callous.

 

[johnnylimbo]

Habigh, I will share my story. I hope it helps to inform the decision about your future.

Soon after I met my wife she admitted herself into the hospital for depression. I stayed with her and supported her. Soon after, she was out and we eventually married. My message to her has always been - as long as you continue to get help, I will be there for you. I love her because she accepts me for who I am. After the birth of our second child her depression became much worse. She was unable to continue working. Other events in her life like a miscarriage and the death of a parent have sent her depression into an even deeper hole. A side effect of her medication almost completely removes her desire for sex. When you think about your future ask yourself if you want your wife to be the mother of your children (if you want children). As you can see, after 20 years, I have my own issues to work out and being new to this discussion am also looking for advice and inspiration. Thanks.

 

[Mrs.G]

Too Much Aggravation!

Habigh, I will share my story. I hope it helps to inform the decision about your future.

Soon after I met my wife she admitted herself into the hospital for depression. I stayed with her and supported her. Soon after, she was out and we eventually married. My message to her has always been - as long as you continue to get help, I will be there for you. I love her because she accepts me for who I am. After the birth of our second child her depression became much worse. She was unable to continue working. Other events in her life like a miscarriage and the death of a parent have sent her depression into an even deeper hole. A side effect of her medication almost completely removes her desire for sex. When you think about your future ask yourself if you want your wife to be the mother of your children (if you want children). As you can see, after 20 years, I have my own issues to work out and being new to this discussion am also looking for advice and inspiration. Thanks.

One of the reasons I refuse to have a child, is how difficult pregnancy and the first year of motherhood is for a bipolar woman. I spoke to my doctor about it and the steps would be as follows:

1.Change one of my pills, despite being on a kocktail that works.
2.Visit one of the top three children's hospitals in the entire world EVERY WEEK OF PREGNANCY to see an ob/gyn, psychiatrist and family doctor. It is half an hour away, but who wants to do that every week?? Not this lady!
3. Stay on the psych ward a week after my birth for observation/signs of post partum psychosis.
4. Have a nurse to visit me every day for the first 6 months. I could not be alone with my baby for the first year; they are afraid I could possibly hurt it, as schizo and bipolar mothers are prone to do. If a nurse could not be hired, I would need a female relative who is a mother and is aware of my condition.

Meh. Too much aggravation just to have a child. If I need all of this coddling, I am not mentally capable of being a mother. The stress would put me over the edge for good. Also, I am not comfortable with popping pills while I pregnant. When I was a nanny, I nearly tossed my young charge out of the window. The banshee would not stop crying no matter what I did; she had me in tears! If I felt that crazy just babysitting, I could never handle constant crying while my brain was drowned in hormones.

Your wife is to be commended for having children despite her severe mood issues.

 

[magnoliagal]

Re: Too Much Aggravation!

One of the reasons I refuse to have a child, is how difficult pregnancy and the first year of motherhood is for a bipolar woman.

In hindsight I should not have become a mother given my mental issues. My therapist disagrees and says I've done really well with them. They have also been my biggest catalysts for change. They are the reason I am so driven to rise above my ptsd.

 

[unbelievable]

It's a Disorder, so, by definition, it is going to adversely affect relationships and other major life activities. Mine believes she functions quite well and that her Bipolar is never a problem, too. It's possible to have a functional relationship with someone who suffers from this condition but it won't always be Tea with the Queen.

 

[Mrs.G]

It's a Disorder, so, by definition, it is going to adversely affect relationships and other major life activities. Mine believes she functions quite well and that her Bipolar is never a problem, too. It's possible to have a functional relationship with someone who suffers from this condition but it won't always be Tea with the Queen.

:scratchhead: Are you suggesting that those with bipolar disorder cannot function well? I hope not, because that would be ignorant and uninformed. A person with diabetes has a disorder, but they can take their insulin, eat well, exercise and have some semblance of a normal life. The same goes for someone with bipolar or any other disorder.

Wives who do not have "disorders" aren't always easy to live with either.