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I know I'm supposed to be supportive and understanding and I have been, for all 3 years of our marriage, but I am beginning to feel resentful about all the tips to wives to be so tender with the male ego and hear NOTHING about how frustrating it is for the woman. I also am beginning to feel resentful towards my husband, who hasn't been willing to see a doctor, counselor, or even talk about the situation.
If anyone can offer some helpful advice OTHER than babying my husband's ego, please, I really need some new ideas on this...
 

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Your poor thing! Your whole marriage!!

What kind of sex life do you have?

I'd support my H...all the way to the doctor/specialist.

I would 'insist' very nicely but firmly this has to be looked into.... but you have to be ready
for him to be defensive and dismissive....stick to your guns.

Be the broken record.
 

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Babying a man's ego is only applicable if they've been emasculated by their controlling, often angry wives.

ED is something completely different. On this you lovingly but firmly say this isn't okay with you and then decide what you're going to do if he continues to do nothing. Not as in a threat or ultimatum just something you do for you because you know you're worth the effort.
 

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Thank you, waiwera and Mavash. I am trying to NOT become that shrew but I don't know what to do besides ask him to participate.
 

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Babying a man's ego is only applicable if they've been emasculated by their controlling, often angry wives.

ED is something completely different. On this you lovingly but firmly say this isn't okay with you and then decide what you're going to do if he continues to do nothing. Not as in a threat or ultimatum just something you do for you because you know you're worth the effort.
Yes to the first paragraph, maybe to the second... if it is physiological no ego stroking, or stroking of anything, will do it - send him to doc. But if it does have to do with confidence, esteem, depression or other psychological factors (even if they stem from physiological issues like low T, poor cardiovascular health etc), showing a desire for him could go a long way in enhancing his performance capabilities.
 

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Thank you, waiwera and Mavash. I am trying to NOT become that shrew but I don't know what to do besides ask him to participate.
Nothing shrewish about wanting/desiring sex and passion within your marriage.

What would he do if you just made an appointment with a doc? Would he go along to it?

You can go the health path if that would help. A mans erection strength is often a sign of cardiovascular health. ED can be a sign of limited blood flow.

Do you have any idea why it might be happening. Is he on meds? Is he over weight? Is he stressed?
 

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Being angry about the ED is hurtful.

But being angry about his refusal to take any action about it is perfectly reasonable.

At least to go see a doctor and find out whether its a physical issue or a psychological one. And get some penis pills to fill the gap.

It's not that hard, and no more humiliating than what he is already going through.
 

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I hear you! My H, due to SSRI's has had ED and zero libido for two years now..during that time he had an EA. So for our R not once have we had sex. He is embarrassed about it and when he went to the dr. in the spring (after 6 months of not being on the SSRI's anymore) and still nothing all the Dr. did was tell him to be patient. Now we are at a year of him being off of the SSRI's and still nothing..what frustrates me is if it was reversed would he be so patient?? Probably not....

I know it is frustrating for him but to not go see a Dr. because you are embarrassed is crazy to me...
 

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I really do appreciate all this input. One barrier that I'm dealing with is that my husband easily jumps to the conclusion that I (or a boss) want to tell him what to do, when it's really a discussion about choices and options. He gets so defensive that it's difficult to keep trying - hence this thread.
 

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On the infrequent occasion that we do hook up, it's always mutual masturbation or oral, and very enjoyable. My husband is on meds for cholesterol and seizures, but says his doc says they wouldn't cause ED. He's only had one brief conversation that I know of with his doctor about the ED, came home with some stanyx, tried it once, didn't work, and now hides it and won't talk about it.
I asked him this morning, on his way out the door, if we could talk about it and he said yes, so I'm hoping...
 

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I guess unless your a man you do not know how it affects them mentally to not be able to perform...however it is worth discussing with a dr.

Good luck to you!
 

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On the infrequent occasion that we do hook up, it's always mutual masturbation or oral, and very enjoyable. My husband is on meds for cholesterol and seizures, but says his doc says they wouldn't cause ED. He's only had one brief conversation that I know of with his doctor about the ED, came home with some stanyx, tried it once, didn't work, and now hides it and won't talk about it.
I asked him this morning, on his way out the door, if we could talk about it and he said yes, so I'm hoping...
Have YOU looked up any of the possible side effects of these medications? Have you looked at forums about them, etc. to see if ANYONE is experiencing ED while on these meds? It really isn't uncommon for a doctor to say "this won't/wouldn't/can't cause a problem"... and lo and behold, it does! If you haven't already, do some research on the meds he is taking. I learned that my husband's meds can, and DO cause low drive and occasionally ED. It's something we have been working on, trying to keep us connected.
 

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From what I've read, neither of his meds are seen to cause ED. Personally, I think it is related more to 30 years of solo sex with porn and no serious relationships until we married (He's 50, I'm 52).
 

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I know I'm supposed to be supportive and understanding and I have been, for all 3 years of our marriage
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I also am beginning to feel resentful towards my husband, who hasn't been willing to see a doctor, counselor, or even talk about the situation
I think you should continue to be supportive rather than negative about his ED. But for cripes sake you have every right to be livid with his refusal to deal with it! His ED is either a psychological issue or a medical issue. He has the obligation to make a real effort to meet all of your needs in the marriage including sex.

Yes his porn is likely the culprit in his ED. It is a well known problem. Is he completely off the porn? If not he needs to be.

The drugs do not cause an erection. The erection is related to chemicals which are activated when he is stimulated. So for men with chemical ED they are stimulated but the chemicals are missing or in low supply so he cannot get or keep a good erection. Viagra, Staxyn, and Cialis provide a chemical for that reaction. He still needs to be stimulated to get hard. Low T can cause the same kind of chemical issues, and by boosting T the ED can be reversed.

In your husband's case the porn is likely mentally preventing him from being stimulated.

I think you should set some kind of a boundary around this. You decide if it is nuclear or if there is some other reward/punishment which might work. But I think he needs to talk to a good urologist and get a good medical workup. You need to discover if he is using porn at all. If so he has to do whatever it takes to get off of it. Finally I think some kind of couples counseling perhaps with a sex therapist might be helpful to set up a good program for him and for you. I bet this is a common problem they deal with.
 

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From what I've read, neither of his meds are seen to cause ED. Personally, I think it is related more to 30 years of solo sex with porn and no serious relationships until we married (He's 50, I'm 52).
Did you two have sex before marriage? If so what was it like? Was there a problem with ED at that time?

Yes, 30 years of solo sex w/porn can lead to this issue. There's a fair amount of info on the internet covering this. You might search on terms like "porn addiction" and "masterbation addiction". What I've read is that it takes 3 or so months of no porn and no masterbation for the ED to start to go away.

Does he still use porn? How much time does he spend on the computer?
 

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Masturbation does not cause ED and I wish people would stop spreading medically incorrect information.

I'm in a similar situation to the OP, but much shorter time span, and we are younger.

It was very difficult to get my husband to see a doctor and I tried to press him gently but firmly for nearly three years before I finally made it clear that I did not want to spend the rest of my life feeling neglected and denied any real passion, that it wasn't what I wanted to see in the future of our marriage. He got the hint, but it's still a struggle to get him to take each subsequent step.

You have to just press on, and stay calm in the face of his defensiveness. He's scared because it's a scary and embarrassing thing for a man to deal with, but don't give up, because if he knows you'll back off, he will happily give up and go back into denial.

My husband rarely masturbates because the ED he's suffering from is making it difficult for him to maintain an erection and to climax. I thought that if he never masturbated, he would find it easier to maintain during sex, but this has not been the case.

We are still not sure whether the issue is more psychological or physiological, but at this point I am trying to stay on top of this without being a nag. And that's all you can do, admit that you're going to have to push him a bit. Just don't give up. And if he doesn't want to give you up, he'll step up.
 

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High cholesterol and low testerone are frequently seen together, along with loss sugar issues.
I don't think this is a mental thing. It sounds physical.
It could be that he only is capable of a certain number of Os in a week and if he's using those on porn then he has nothing left.
Can you describe what happens? Does he just turn you down and say he can't get it up or do you fool around and he has desire but nothing happens? Or does he lose it in the middle of sex?
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High cholesterol and low testerone are frequently seen together, along with loss sugar issues.
I don't think this is a mental thing. It sounds physical.
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This is true. You should try to have him checked.

Low testosterone is actually very unhealthy for men for other reasons, and high cholesterol or high blood pressure, well, I don't think that needs explaining. If nothing else motivates him, I don't think having a thorough checkup to make sure nothing else is wrong is too much to ask.
 

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Masturbation does not cause ED and I wish people would stop spreading medically incorrect information.
Excessive masturbation and porn use may not directly cause ED, but it sure can affect the arousal mechanisms related to sex.
As a man that has been lucky enough to not having experienced the difficulties of ED, I can only imagine the mental anguish that any man must feel when they are unable to "perform" with their wife. The condition itself definitely deserves your full sympathy and support.
HOWEVER, like others have posted, the real issue is his unwillingness to want to do anything about it. This would be a big problem for me. A full medical workup sounds in order including T tests. If you have a pharmacist that you trust, you may want to have a good conversation about his current meds to see if there have ever been any reported side effects such as this. Regardless, I sympathize with your situation. You sound like you have been a wonderful, supportive partner. Now its time for him to make a determination that you two are not going to spend the rest of your marriage like this.
 
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