[pink pixie]

Hi I am looking for some advice before I am forced to leave my husband for good. We have been friends for over 20 years but have only been together for 3 years. The problem is his temper. He doesnt beat me but has pushed me around pulled my hair shoved his fingers down my throat strangled me..you get the picture. In the past I have retaliated when he has attacked me, even punching him in the face to get him off me. I would like to stress it has only ever been to protect myself and I realized it isnt a solution and I try so hard now just to take the violence and not try and defend myself but it is so so hard as he is a huge man who spends a lot of time working out. Im very scared of him. He also keeps me prisoner in my own home. He has smashed my phone and computer when I have tried to get help and made threats towards anyone, friend or family that has tried to help me.
We recently moved abroad and I am totally dependent on him after a car accident has left me out of work. He works off shore and money isnt an issue for him.
I have left him very recently for a few weeks but I had to come back as I have no support network over here and also I love him so very much. We agreed to give it one more go. We have had a few rows since my return, which was only a few weeks ago. It hasnt become violent because I have refused to argue but this has resulted in me not being able to put my opinion forward and having to do exactly as he demands without question.
Last night he said he wanted his mother to come and stay. In the past he has told his mother of every little row we have had. All his side of the story and believe me nothing is ever his fault in his opinion and I am always to blame. I said I would rather go and stay with friends while she was here. Apart from her obvious dislike for me my husband and his mother row like cat and dog and I just dont want to be around them. But I did say I was happy for her to come and spend time with her son. I lost my mum a few years ago and I think it is so important to cherish your mum while you can. My husband was furious. He started screaming at me at the top of his voice. He says Im insulting him and his family are not good enough for me. He says his mother will die soon and I am stopping him from spending time with her. I refused to become involved and went to bed where I layed shaking for several hours while he continued to shout abuse at me, turning on the bedroom light and shining a torch into my face demanding that I stay and calling me the most horrible names. I didnt utter a word yet he still accused me of putting him and his family down and said I called them names...obviously all in his head as I swear I didnt say one word. Good or bad. He brought up every past row he could think of, most of which were so far from the truth I had trouble working out that he was talking about. He ended several hours l;ater saying now look what you have done. Well done! You have yet again caused another awful row and I have to go back to work for 3 weeks with this in my mind. You are going to lose me my job or get someone else hurt because I cant focus blah blah blah.
I am at my whits end. I dont know what to do. If I cannot find a way to cope with his outburst Im scared that he will hurt me, or worse. If anyone can help with any ideas I would be forever grateful

 

[Dollystanford]

I'm sorry. You shouldn't be trying to find a way to 'cope' with his outbursts. You should be trying to find a way to get as far away from him as possible

You've described a violent, bullying psychopath who has managed to isolate you from anyone who could help you. His behaviour will only get worse - you are in real danger from this man

Do whatever you have to do, but please leave. Now.

 

[EnjoliWoman]

Abusive relationships are not OK and you need to leave him. Your language implies you are in the UK? I wish I knew more about your options over there. Here we have 'battered women's shelters' - do you? It's not glamorous but they are clean and safe and you can usually stay long enough to get your wits about you.

Please pack a bag of necessities and hide it or give it to a friend. Plan the day you are going to leave. Don't chicken out. Tell your friends what he is doing - no shame - be honest. See if a friend or family member will pay for your safe travel and offer you a place to live for a while. Find a job you can do within the limits of your injuries.

There is no coping. You are afraid and he knows it and he's using that to keep you where he wants you. You don't mention children so by all means, leave NOW.

This was my life, only I left with a 4y/o. It is so nice to relax in my own home now - it took a while to get to this point but I SO GLAD I did it. Please, make a plan and follow it.

 

[Chris Taylor]

Try to save some money, buy a one-way ticket home to where you can find support and get away from him.

 

[IrishGirlVA]

Hi I am looking for some advice before I am forced to leave my husband for good. We have been friends for over 20 years but have only been together for 3 years. The problem is his temper. He doesnt beat me but has pushed me around pulled my hair shoved his fingers down my throat strangled me..you get the picture. In the past I have retaliated when he has attacked me, even punching him in the face to get him off me.

This was all I had to read.

Before one or both of you wind up in jail and your lives are ruined forever both of you need some serious, serious anger management. I just hope it doesn't wind up being court ordered before you do something about it. Your relationship will continue to stay toxic and volatile until you both seek the help you need.

I know you are feeling trapped but I don't want this relationship to end for you because you are in a coma or worse. Really? Is he worth dying for?

You need to find support groups in your area for domestic violence. These groups may have funds available at their disposal to get you back to a safe place. Do all you can to get out of this situation!!

 

[Tad]

Wow, you sure have some serious suffering on your hands. Its heart wrenching to read your story. You know its hard to give advice without really fully understanding the whole picture but I agree with others that the kind of behavior your hubby portrays had no place in any worthy relationship.

What you haven't mentioned was, is your husband even aware he has a huge anger management problem? Is he looking for help and ways to work with it? All I can say is that if he is not looking for solutions then both of you are in real trouble. :scratchhead: Usually anger does not get better in itself, it actually works like an addiction.

Here is a good article from Anger Mentor website on how to deal with angry people, wrote it myself.
http://angermentor.com/12-creative-ways-to-deal-with-angry-people-without-strangling-them-to-death

Please remember, anger is HIS problem and even though you love him so much it shouldn't be yours, otherwise its like sharing poison. He needs to hear from you his responses are not adequate for this century. Unless he's some radical Islamist, he needs to learn to cope with his fiery feelings or he will have no happiness in this life, EVER.

Hang in there, hope he seeks some help soon from a local counselor or takes some anger management class. Hope things work out. If anger is the only reason you are considering parting from each other then it can be resolved and SHOULD be resolved because he can't run from himself down the road.

 

[CanadianGuy]

Pink Pixie - You love this guy? Why on earth would you be in love with him. Are you blaming yourself for his outbursts? If you are you need to stop.

Leave this psycho. Now. Get as far away as possible. Leave no trace. Do not call him. He sounds like a stalker.

 

[Jellybeans]

Leave.



********************** | ***************************************** | ***************************************

 

[Ten_year_hubby]

Leave.

Every day women end up dead or seriously injured at the hands of men with anger problems. All of us here love you and above all we don't want you to become a statistic. Please protect yourself by finding another place to live

 

[Juicer]

Leave him. If you need to, call a shelter. Call guy friends.

Your first priority:
Getting the hell away from this guy

Then you can rebuild your life.

 

[fallensoldier]

Wtf?? I didn't even finish your post, just got past "he doesn't beat me, but ..." hair pulling? Strangled? Shoved his fingers down your throat?? Why are you still under his roof???
Please don't tell me it's because you love him ...

You need to run, and I hope you can run fast too :/

 

[Memento]

What is the status on your situation? It sounds like you went through hell. I hope you are alright now!

Hi I am looking for some advice before I am forced to leave my husband for good. We have been friends for over 20 years but have only been together for 3 years. The problem is his temper. He doesnt beat me but has pushed me around pulled my hair shoved his fingers down my throat strangled me..you get the picture. In the past I have retaliated when he has attacked me, even punching him in the face to get him off me. I would like to stress it has only ever been to protect myself and I realized it isnt a solution and I try so hard now just to take the violence and not try and defend myself but it is so so hard as he is a huge man who spends a lot of time working out. Im very scared of him. He also keeps me prisoner in my own home. He has smashed my phone and computer when I have tried to get help and made threats towards anyone, friend or family that has tried to help me.
We recently moved abroad and I am totally dependent on him after a car accident has left me out of work. He works off shore and money isnt an issue for him.
I have left him very recently for a few weeks but I had to come back as I have no support network over here and also I love him so very much. We agreed to give it one more go. We have had a few rows since my return, which was only a few weeks ago. It hasnt become violent because I have refused to argue but this has resulted in me not being able to put my opinion forward and having to do exactly as he demands without question.
Last night he said he wanted his mother to come and stay. In the past he has told his mother of every little row we have had. All his side of the story and believe me nothing is ever his fault in his opinion and I am always to blame. I said I would rather go and stay with friends while she was here. Apart from her obvious dislike for me my husband and his mother row like cat and dog and I just dont want to be around them. But I did say I was happy for her to come and spend time with her son. I lost my mum a few years ago and I think it is so important to cherish your mum while you can. My husband was furious. He started screaming at me at the top of his voice. He says Im insulting him and his family are not good enough for me. He says his mother will die soon and I am stopping him from spending time with her. I refused to become involved and went to bed where I layed shaking for several hours while he continued to shout abuse at me, turning on the bedroom light and shining a torch into my face demanding that I stay and calling me the most horrible names. I didnt utter a word yet he still accused me of putting him and his family down and said I called them names...obviously all in his head as I swear I didnt say one word. Good or bad. He brought up every past row he could think of, most of which were so far from the truth I had trouble working out that he was talking about. He ended several hours l;ater saying now look what you have done. Well done! You have yet again caused another awful row and I have to go back to work for 3 weeks with this in my mind. You are going to lose me my job or get someone else hurt because I cant focus blah blah blah.
I am at my whits end. I dont know what to do. If I cannot find a way to cope with his outburst Im scared that he will hurt me, or worse. If anyone can help with any ideas I would be forever grateful