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What should she do to "clean up the mess"?
Basically she has to find out how he was offended and then what it takes to meet his grievance.
That's what the phrase, "Turn the other cheek" means. If you caused an offense, then you try and meet the obligations of the other person, if they are being reasonable.
 
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I am in trouble; I have the best family one could wish for. Beautiful kids and a loving wife. However, my anger attacks over an affair she had 31 years ago, before we got married, keeps threatening my marriage. The mistake I made was ignoring the pain and not looking for help and just letting it simmer in the back of my head. We had great 31 years, creating a beautiful family and still being deeply in love, with the small exception that her sex drive never matched mine, especially in the beginning of our marriage, but that's a common complaint in couples.
However recently her ex-lover revealed things of that relation which I never imagined happend especially sexually. My wife, however, left that affair a long time behind and continued living her life with me. She's been as perfect of a wife a man could wish for. I suffer after this from anger attacks combined with a lowered self-esteem, in these attacks I compare my sex life with her old one, which was pure physical and, in my feeling, I always lose, I have been losing for 30 years. I confront her, hurt her and the moment she is hurting, a deep feeling of shame comes over me, by that time it's already too late. I turned her 30 years of dedication and love to trash. How do I lose these childish anger attacks?
I think you need counselling to sort out your thoughts. As you say that she has been a good wife for thirty years and over those thirty years, she has been willing to sacrifice herself for your sake to be a helpmate to help you achieve your goals in life. The counselor may be able to help you get to the core issues and maybe even help you find ways to compensate within your marrige to make up for the loss that you feel about the wife having done things with the OM that she might not have been willing to do with you.
 
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Exactly how does one clean up a mistake from 30 yrs ago? Has she not given her best to him these past 30 years? Has she not been faithful and loving to him? Has she not bore his children, their legacy and raised them with love? People want to bandy about how the omission from the distant past is so horrific. It does hurt yes, but its not what really matters in the grand scheme of life. There is way more in a marriage besides sex and what each does or doesn't due with their partner. It happened, what can be done to change it now?
I know what this feels like. I just went through this with my wife after 38 years of marriage! It hurt like hell what she finally told me. She didn't understand at first, but did figure it out. As I told her, for you it was 38 years, for me it was 10 minutes ago! Also told her I just needed head space to sort this out and her comfort. I did get over it with her support. Why? Because the day she told me, I had the prize! Her. I've had her for 38 years, faithful years and thats the important thing. I threw out my retro jealousy and the pain of feeling I was messed over not knowing because she has been mine so much more in so many ways the OM never came within a fraction of having. Perception is very powerful here as well as empathy, love and comfort.
Her reasons for marrying OP could be for "securing a good provider for her needs" and not much else. Perhaps are co-boyfriend was not interested in marriage at the time (her PLAN A), and she felt that she should move in with OP if he shows commitment (her PLAN B).

Her feelings for OP might have grown during marriage (possible) but OP has learned that his wife was sexually wild and explorative with her co-boyfriend in pre-marital days for like 8 months but not with him as his wife in 30+ years. Poor guy is trying to process this information and wondering that he was more of an ATM machine to her instead of being a man she truly desired. He also did not knew that her relationship with her co-boyfriend lasted 8 months.

OP's anger have its basis. Understandable.
 
Are you seriously saying that your wife`s ex-lover is still in the picture, why?
This I found strange too. I mean ex boyfriends keep showing up in relationships only because the wife/girlfriend want them to be around (orbiters).

He did say he is 100% sure his wife did not cheat on him during the marriage though, but I really find it hard to believe. I mean, this guy is still in the picture 30 freaking years later.
 
I would say this: until we know whether they were exclusive or not, it's all speculation. Saying they were "dating" means nothing if they weren't exclusive.
I’m thinking that being exclusive or not is not a question here. And whether they were or not doesn’t change the deception or the pain extending from that.

They may or may not have had that moment of agreement to be exclusive. My wife and I didn’t

But It seems clear they were exclusive in OP’s mind.

An affair while dating lasting for 8 months?
One would begin to wonder who was the bf and who was the AP.
I can imagine this will be hard for OP to get past.
 
I’m thinking that being exclusive or not is not a question here. And whether they were or not doesn’t change the deception or the pain extending from that.

They may or may not have had that moment of agreement to be exclusive. My wife and I didn’t

But It seems clear they were exclusive in OP’s mind.

An affair while dating lasting for 8 months?
One would begin to wonder who was the bf and who was the AP.
I can imagine this will be hard for OP to get past.
yes, I get it, but we still don't know for sure. We can speculate forever. If they weren't exclusive, it's not cheating. A bit like the other thread... ;)

If the OP can't get over what he considers cheating, then his marriage is pretty much finished.
 
yes, I get it, but we still don't know for sure. We can speculate forever. If they weren't exclusive, it's not cheating. A bit like the other thread... ;)

If the OP can't get over what he considers cheating, then his marriage is pretty much finished.
However, it's vastly different than the other thread. In the other thread, there was sex ONCE, one last time with an ex that happened after one first date with the future husband.

In this case, she met the other guy while dating OP and had sex with him for 8 months, doing sexual things with him she doesn't do with OP.

That's vastly different.
 
However, it's vastly different than the other thread. In the other thread, there was sex ONCE, one last time with an ex that happened after one first date with the future husband.

In this case, she met the other guy while dating OP and had sex with him for 8 months, doing sexual things with him she doesn't do with OP.

That's vastly different.
It's not different if they weren't exclusive. You can date multiple people and not being exclusive with any of them. If they were exclusive, then she cheated on him, for 8 months, which is a long affair.
 
It's not different if they weren't exclusive. You can date multiple people and not being exclusive with any of them. If they were exclusive, then she cheated on him, for 8 months, which is a long affair.
I doubt OP would be upset, if they weren't exclusive.

Anyhow, you can't see the difference between having sex once with an ex after one short date versus meeting and having ongoing sex for 8 months with 2 men simultaneously????
 
I doubt OP would be upset, if they weren't exclusive.

Anyhow, you can't see the difference between having sex once with an ex after one short date versus meeting and having ongoing sex for 8 months with 2 men simultaneously????
I don't see the difference if they weren't exclusive. If you are not exclusive, you can date several people, IMO. I dated a girl once, when I was young. We were not exclusive and she dated several other people. I knew that and I didn't have a problem with it. Didn't last long, mind you... :)
 
This I found strange too. I mean ex boyfriends keep showing up in relationships only because the wife/girlfriend want them to be around (orbiters).

He did say he is 100% sure his wife did not cheat on him during the marriage though, but I really find it hard to believe. I mean, this guy is still in the picture 30 freaking years later.
“Keep showing up”

Read the thread again.
 
Her reasons for marrying OP could be for "securing a good provider for her needs" and not much else. Perhaps are co-boyfriend was not interested in marriage at the time (her PLAN A), and she felt that she should move in with OP if he shows commitment (her PLAN B).

Her feelings for OP might have grown during marriage (possible) but OP has learned that his wife was sexually wild and explorative with her co-boyfriend in pre-marital days for like 8 months but not with him as his wife in 30+ years. Poor guy is trying to process this information and wondering that he was more of an ATM machine to her instead of being a man she truly desired. He also did not knew that her relationship with her co-boyfriend lasted 8 months.

OP's anger have its basis. Understandable.
I dated someone once who said to me "There are guy's that girls have fun with, then there are guy's that girls marry."
She further clarified this statement by saying that I was one of the latter.
She gave me the agency to do what was required.
I put her a** to the curb quickly without additional thought.
The OP was never afforded this knowledge.
That's the rub.
 
I’m not condoning cheating or going outside after establishing exclusiveness but the reality is at that age it happens… a lot because one partner is often more invested than the other and is “exclusive in their mind only.”

I multiple dated and my wife was already dating someone else when we met up (again). Physical levels were different with all of them. I’ve been on both sides of that equation. Some people are just more tuned into each other like that where as maybe more in tune with each other in different ways for the person they married. It’s not a scam, ploy, or evil plot.

The women aren’t going to chime in on these types of threads because they already know this.

If you aren’t the kind of man that produced that kind of response from her ……well….
 
I’m not condoning cheating or going outside after establishing exclusiveness but the reality is at that age it happens… a lot because one partner is often more invested than the other and is “exclusive in their mind only.”

I multiple dated and my wife was already dating someone else when we met up (again). Physical levels were different with all of them. I’ve been on both sides of that equation. Some people are just more tuned into each other like that where as maybe more in tune with each other in different ways for the person they married. It’s not a scam, ploy, or evil plot.

The women aren’t going to chime in on these types of threads because they already know this.

If you aren’t the kind of man that produced that kind of response from her ……well….
What woman wants to tell a man that he placed second or third permanently, butbthat makes him marriageable?

What man would marry if he had that knowledge?
 
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Her reasons for marrying OP could be for "securing a good provider for her needs" and not much else. Perhaps are co-boyfriend was not interested in marriage at the time (her PLAN A), and she felt that she should move in with OP if he shows commitment (her PLAN B).

Her feelings for OP might have grown during marriage (possible) but OP has learned that his wife was sexually wild and explorative with her co-boyfriend in pre-marital days for like 8 months but not with him as his wife in 30+ years. Poor guy is trying to process this information and wondering that he was more of an ATM machine to her instead of being a man she truly desired. He also did not knew that her relationship with her co-boyfriend lasted 8 months.

OP's anger have its basis. Understandable.
What you say has genuine merit, definitely. The same thoughts did enter my mind and I even voiced this. I'm sure he has to process these thoughts of what would have been, could have been. I did. I instead in the end, chose to believe what my wife was giving to me for over half her life was the reality of her feelings for me. I'm sure this is raging through his mind as well. Along with the physical aspects she admitted to with OM. That alone is a firecracker on a cake instead of a candle. There IS no answer here for that, only between them will that be settled. That is a private matter that need not be discussed here.
 
What woman wants to tell a man that he placed second or third permanently, butbthat makes him marriageable?

What man would marry if he had that knowledge?
You are using sex as the one and only barometer for marriage. People generally are a lot more complex than that. Had that been my only barometer I would not have married my wife as I had dated a few girls who were much more sexually aggressive.

According to your standard I need to go tell my wife she is plan D. Is that what you recommend? By my standard my wife is plan A.
 
I don't see the difference if they weren't exclusive. If you are not exclusive, you can date several people, IMO. I dated a girl once, when I was young. We were not exclusive and she dated several other people. I knew that and I didn't have a problem with it. Didn't last long, mind you... :)
Big difference is you and her knew what was going on. Exclusive or not, OP had no clue she was having sex with another man for an 8 month period while they we dating and I presume having sex.
 
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