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I just want to throw this in here...

I reentered the dating world after over 20 years of M. The last 5 of that M had been gearing up to leave, which also involved a lot of thinking about what I wanted (and didn’t want) in a partner. By the time I started dating, I knew exactly what I was looking for.

The chatting portion of OLD weeded out most quickly. There were only a couple of men that I wanted to actually meet IRL.

I met my current hubby almost immediately. We knew very quickly we were right for each other. Do I have regrets that it was too quick or I didn’t have enough time to date around? NONE. Like I said, I knew what I wanted, and I personally am 100% a relationship person. I was serious about what I was doing, I knew I wanted to get remarried, and I was dating for that purpose, not to meet ppl and hook up NSA. Frankly, I was so serious about that I didn’t even talk to the ones that listed “Just dating” or whatever rhe wording was as what they were looking for. I only talked to “Looking for a serious relationship”.

So, I suppose it all boils down to what you want. I see nothing wrong with liking this guy, and not wanting to date multiple people once you have committed to being together at that one month point (or whatever you determine).

Just because someone has been married for 10 years, doesn’t mean they need to go bonkers and bone a bunch of people before they settle down with one. Those were not the type of men I wanted. I wanted one that wanted a serious relationship also. I don’t share men. As they say... “I don’t play well with others” >:)
 

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Sometimes we forget who we got,
Who they are.
Oh, who they are not.
There is so much more in love,
Than black and white.
Keep it loose child,
Gotta keep it tight - Amos Lee



Happy birthday, sweetpea.
Ya know, sometimes a good sleep refreshes perspective.
 
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@Ursula just have fun with it. I made dating a game and didn't take anyone or anything that was said to me seriously, at least not within the first handful of dates.

Here's a story that may make you laugh. When I had my OLD profile up, it specifically said "looking for serious, committed, and monogamous relationship". The first guy I met and dated for more than a couple of dates knew this (I made it pretty damn clear from the get go). Well, he started pushing for sex on date #3 to which I reminded him about my stance. He got kind of pissy and ended the date. He messaged me later than night to tell me he wasn't interested in a serious relationship but would be open to a FWB situation. My response: "that position is currently filled but will be eliminated as soon as I can fill the boyfriend position.
Let me know if you'd like me to add you to the waitlist". Never heard from him again. I laughed.
 

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No, where we're from, you can't sign divorce paper until you've been separated for a year at the very least. Unless you're getting divorced for something like adultery; then it can be expedited.
One of my strictest rules when dating was to avoid separated men like the Black Plague. And I stuck to that rule.

Separated = unfinished business. Don't misunderstand - I'm not one of those fanatics who think you need to remain celibate until a judge declares you legally divorced, just because you're still legally married. At that point, it's in name only so date away. But so much of the time, these separated guys come with SO much baggage and SO much drama. And for a lot of people (both men and women), some of them see separation as a time for them before the axe falls to try to get back with their spouse.

That's why I see separation as unfinished business - enough time hasn't gone by to insure that they're REALLY over that part of their lives and in a healthy enough place to move forward.

Lastly, I've heard too many times about separated men starting new relationships then leaving their new woman in the dust when they went running back to their wives. Unfortunately, you're the REBOUND relationship for him since you're the first one he's dated since his marriage went south. Not a good position to be in.

I would keep my options WIDE open and not put all my eggs in his basket. Nope, I wouldn't.
 

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My always unpopular opinion - LOL

"I’ve been seeing a really fantastic man for about 3 weeks now.. ". How could anyone possibly know that after only 3 weeks and 3 dates ? Even a super sick psycho wife beater child molester could probably hide their true self for that brief of a time.
 

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Whatever legitimate reason he has for not pursuing his divorce now, I wouldn't get too comfortable dating him until he started pursuing it. There is a thread on here started by a female poster who bought a house with a separated man and he stopped completing his divorce.

And of course, there is the agr old example of my mother's friend whose husband never completed their divorce and then died. So the years long mistress got nothing.......
 

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Whatever legitimate reason he has for not pursuing his divorce now, I wouldn't get too comfortable dating him until he started pursuing it. There is a thread on here started by a female poster who bought a house with a separated man and he stopped completing his divorce.

And of course, there is the age old example of my mother's friend whose husband never completed their divorce and then died. So the years long mistress got nothing.......
 

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Discussion Starter #30
Hey there, thanks for the replies and thoughts y'all!
@Diana7, I personally hate multi-dating. I get confused between who’s who and who said what, and have put my foot in my mouth more than once. I’m not OK with someone that I really like dating others. BUT, I don’t want him to settle for me if there’s a better match out there for him. I know from past experience that I’m usually the one who is passed over when there’s more than 1 woman in “competition” for the same man. I really like being around him; it was comfortable right from the get-go. So, I’m going to continue to enjoy that company while it’s there, and see where it goes. If it goes somewhere, great, if not, at least I know that there are decent men out there yet; they’re just hard to find. In the meantime, I’m going to continue to put myself out there and see others, and if he asks, I’ll let him know.
@Deejo, I try not to look at dating as a means to an end, and instead just suss out men to see if they’re worth spending more time getting to know. Often, they’re not, but in very rare cases like this one, they’re definitely worth spending time getting to know. I also understand though that he’s been committed for 10 years, and out of a marriage for only 1 year. So, I understand that he’d want to see others. It’s just disappointing to me because I’ve been through the ringer and I know what’s out there. So, when I find a good man (which is rare), I want to hang on like a pup to a root. However, that’s suffocating. Yes, once sex is involved, I would be cutting off any other contact with anyone else, and would expect him to do the same. We haven’t hit that point yet.
@Lostinthought61, thank-you for the birthday wishes! :) I do like your thoughts on having a conversation with him on Friday. The only thing is that not spending time with each other also means that we aren’t getting to know one another better, which means that there’s not much chance of moving forward with anything, including a friendship. I do understand though, but may give it a little more time before doing this. If we go out a few more times, and he’s still not ready to move in any direction, this is a course of action that I’ll try.
@heartsbeating, thank-you, too, for the birthday wishes! I didn’t get a good night’s sleep, but do have a less depressed perspective this morning.
@wilson, I’m just on eHarmony and Bumble at this time. I get what you’re saying, but there’s just something about this man that makes me feel like he’s being real with me. He’s been the same guy throughout all of the dates, and has told me some personal information that I’m sure most wouldn’t share right away. I learned this info on our first date. He’s also shown me photos of his kids, also on date #1. Most people tend to keep intimate details like that hidden for awhile. I feel like he’s the real deal, and that he’s showing me who he is. He could be lying, yup, but I get the feeling that he’s not. But yes, we both have a very long way to go before we know each other well. I just feel like we’ve gotten a really strong start at this point.
@Spicy, I’m at the point that you describe as well.
@Lila, your story made me laugh, thank-you!
@2&out, I don’t know 100% if he’s the one I want to be with for the long-term. I can’t possibly know that after only 4 dates. But, I do know that this is something worth exploring further. I’m just at the point where he’s really the only man I’m interested in spending time with, and I want to know what makes him tick.
@NextTimeAround, he’s pursuing the divorce, and they have lawyer meetings set up for later this month. I’m also privy to some information regarding this, and the sale of their home, etc. I’m comfortable with where things stand with where he’s at, but would never buy a home with him or anyone else anytime soon. Hell’s no!

Some have talked about the number of dates they’ve been on before finding their Mr. or Miss. Right. Here are my stats: was on Match during Dec 2017 to March 2018 and went on 56 dates with 27 men. I’ve been on Bumble since late August 2018 and eHarmony since October 2018 (currently still on both), and I’ve met probably at least double the amount of men. To be honest, I stopped keeping track because it just became depressing. So, I’ve probably met 90+ men since December 2017, and had 1 really poor relationship out of that which lasted 4 months. Besides this current man, I’ve met 2 other really fantastic men who were contenders: 1 I ended because he was very clingy; 1 he ended because he chose someone else over me due to our differing cultural backgrounds. I’ve met some other really nice men who could be contenders, but they haven’t been interested. I get a lot interested in just sex/FWB/FB though.
 

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Considering how many men you have dated during this journey... perhaps consider a new tactic with him.

When he tells you that he wants to date others, let him know you thought about it, and think the two of you have real potential, and that you are not interested in sharing him. That if he wants to date others, that he should do so, and you will understand...but if he would like to date you, that you want to be exclusive. Present this to him in a way that makes him feel special (sounds like he is) and makes you different from many of the others out there. My H got the date with me because he was going to stop talking to me because he thought I was chatting with other guys and he was SO over all the games and only wanted to be in a committed relationship. That is what made me realize THIS was a man I wanted to meet...

I understand it might be too late with this guy, if you have already told him you are fine with him seeing others, but if it were me, I would recant that if you like him this much, and if it is this hard to meet good connections. Great love stories many times begin with someone being bold.:x

If it’s to late with this one, and you are done with this merry go round, consider being upfront, that you are looking for a serious relationship only right in your dating profile and when you first meet a man. Personally, I think that may help you weed out a lot of these people that are just wanting FWB. What have you got to lose by trying a different tactic (unless you have already done this and found it not to be successful.)

Just my .02. I’m kind of an oddball on my approach with most things though as y’all have probably noticed. I think scenarios through WAY too much.
 

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My always unpopular opinion - LOL

"I’ve been seeing a really fantastic man for about 3 weeks now.. ". How could anyone possibly know that after only 3 weeks and 3 dates ? Even a super sick psycho wife beater child molester could probably hide their true self for that brief of a time.
I knew in less than a week that my now husband was the man for me. We married 9 months later. It can happen.
 

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One of my strictest rules when dating was to avoid separated men like the Black Plague. And I stuck to that rule.

Separated = unfinished business. Don't misunderstand - I'm not one of those fanatics who think you need to remain celibate until a judge declares you legally divorced, just because you're still legally married. At that point, it's in name only so date away. But so much of the time, these separated guys come with SO much baggage and SO much drama. And for a lot of people (both men and women), some of them see separation as a time for them before the axe falls to try to get back with their spouse.

That's why I see separation as unfinished business - enough time hasn't gone by to insure that they're REALLY over that part of their lives and in a healthy enough place to move forward.

Lastly, I've heard too many times about separated men starting new relationships then leaving their new woman in the dust when they went running back to their wives. Unfortunately, you're the REBOUND relationship for him since you're the first one he's dated since his marriage went south. Not a good position to be in.

I would keep my options WIDE open and not put all my eggs in his basket. Nope, I wouldn't.
So you think its ok to have sex with a separated but still married man, but not to date him?

As I see it its surely better to date a divorcing person than to have sex with them.

Oh and BTW its not 'fanatical' to think its wrong to have sex with a still married person. Its still adultery.
 

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OP my advise. Don't use any of the tinder type sites. Choose the better dating sites, never the free ones.
Make it clear that you are not interested in a casual relationship, and state what you DO want very clearly.

I was very clear that I wanted to marry again. I wasn't interested in casual dates or men who would pressure for sex after a few dates.

Maybe it was in a way more straight forward for me, I was only interested in a guy with a strong Christian faith. Mind you that did shrink any available man pool by about 98% in the Uk, but at least they were on the same page as me from the start.
 

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My question for him was whether or not he’s seeing anyone else (he’s not), and did he want to see others since he’s so new to the dating scene. He said that he’s quite happy with me, and that if we’d been seeing each other for a month, he’d be committed. It’ll be a month on April 8th. He asked if I’d be okay if he went out on dates with others. Honestly, I wouldn’t have a choice but to be OK with that. I certainly don’t want him to settle with me if there’s a better match out there for him. But, I can’t help but be upset by this and pretty disappointed. I know we’re only 4 dates in, but he’s the type of person that I’ve been looking and hoping for. He’s quiet, kind, respectful and is very much a gentleman.
Yes you most certainly CAN not be ok with it, and you can express that to him. Nothing wrong with him wanting to multi date at an early stage, nor you for not wanting to, it may just mean that the two of you aren't compatible.

Ok - some tough love here...Honey...wtf??? YOU don't want HIM to settle for you???? :surprise: Wtf is that about?? YOU shouldn't be settling for a man who's waffling on whether he wants to be with you or not!! I'm going to come over there and slap you silly girl! Change your mindset.


@lifeistooshort, I’m open to keeping my options open, and in fact one man that I met a few days before I met this other man, has asked for a date for later this week. I’m not sure if I should mention this to the man that I would like to date though…
Nope. You're not sleeping together, you owe him nothing nor he you. If you want to accept the other date accept it.

That said, I can't multi date either, I've never been able to. What I've never done though is sit around waiting for a man to fill up my time. Go out with friends, plan your weeks ahead of time, be busy and live your best life, don't keep nights and weekends free in case you get a date.
 

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Discussion Starter #37
Ok - some tough love here...Honey...wtf??? YOU don't want HIM to settle for you???? :surprise: Wtf is that about?? YOU shouldn't be settling for a man who's waffling on whether he wants to be with you or not!! I'm going to come over there and slap you silly girl! Change your mindset.
The only thing I meant by that is if I'm not the right person for him, I don't want to be with him. That's what my first marriage was like (we were both very wrong for one another), and I don't want to go through that again. I wasn't trying to put myself down because to be honest, I'm a good person who deserves to find someone similarly good. Whether it's him or not, I don't know.
 

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Discussion Starter #38
@Ursula just have fun with it. I made dating a game and didn't take anyone or anything that was said to me seriously, at least not within the first handful of dates.

Here's a story that may make you laugh. When I had my OLD profile up, it specifically said "looking for serious, committed, and monogamous relationship". The first guy I met and dated for more than a couple of dates knew this (I made it pretty damn clear from the get go). Well, he started pushing for sex on date #3 to which I reminded him about my stance. He got kind of pissy and ended the date. He messaged me later than night to tell me he wasn't interested in a serious relationship but would be open to a FWB situation. My response: "that position is currently filled but will be eliminated as soon as I can fill the boyfriend position. Let me know if you'd like me to add you to the waitlist". Never heard from him again. I laughed.
I got online yesterday and started chatting with a guy who sounded interesting. Online, he was nice, and is apparently wanting a relationship. Once we exchanged numbers though, the sexts started rolling in. I asked him what he was after: relationship or FWB, he said FWB to start, then let it grow... Lila, I used your line! >:)
 
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