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Hey guys, I'm glad to be back.

I posted awhile back about how I was moving in my my bf and his 5 year old. I'm 34, my bf is 39.

I moved in with him in late July 2020. And, it all went downhill from there. Since then we've been fighting non-stop. We fight about me being unhappy that we have his son on ALL of our days off which is really tough because we're both nurses and I've been working on a COVID unit which has been really stressful. I want to be able to enjoy my days off but instead, I literally dread them because I know they will revolve around his son, we won't have time together or do anything fun together like go out for drinks/dinner or just be home alone enjoying ourselves.

Our fights have gotten SO bad. All out blow outs on nearly all our days off. I was trying so hard to make myself be okay with dating someone with a kid. It was exhausting forcing myself to be someone I'm not. Like spending all my hours being a square peg trying desperately to fit myself into a round hole. Just. Doesn't. Work.

I know it makes me somewhat of a monster to say the following things but, I really don't like his son. It's to the point where even being around him is equivalent to hearing nails on a chalkboard. His voice, him not listening, him interrupting us just grates on me in such a profound way. I've come to realize I never really wanted to deal with him, I just wanted my bf. But, it doesn't work that way, does it? My bf knows the gist of how I feel yet made no effort to make more time for us in a way that would've given us more of a chance. But then I think, what could he have done? I don't enjoy anything when his son is with us. In fact I'm as miserable as a person can be. I had a thought about a month ago, what if we get married and have a baby and I can't even enjoy my baby and being a first time mom because of his son? I really just want to start from scratch with someone. Plus his ex is really unpleasant and hostile. She has a huge attitude and my bf doesn't really see it. She just has to call every day and and do the pick up and drop offs at our place for the most part. I try to run errands to avoid her but she's always still here when I get back! Ugh.

My bf has some very significant health issues as well. Enlarged liver and spleen, precancerous polyp in his colon, GI ulcers, Crohn's (he's on a steroid for that now), and just all out exhaustion from not sleeping enough. He sleeps 3 to 4 hours a night but won't go see a physician about it because he says he's been this way his whole life. He doesn't take care of himself at all. His body is breaking down. He says, "It hurts all over." nearly every day. I can't remember one day of our relationship when he wasn't tired. He never wants to do anything but sit on the couch and watch movies or play video games with his son within 2 feet of him at all times. I feel like I'm living in a private hell. I want to live! I want to travel and have spontaneous trips away and have dinner/drinks out. And even if we do get coverage for his son, my bf doesn't enjoy being out and we're usually bickering from built up resentments. I have a lot of those at this point. If I'm going to stand a chance at a long happy life with marriage and kids, I can't start off with someone so sick. What if we have a 2 year old and he can't work, or passes away. I don't want my life to be like that.

I've never felt at home here. I feel like I'm just living in my bf and his son's apartment and a premade life I don't fit into. I really have no place at all here. I feel like I came into two people's lives and was just expected to assimilate to their lifestyle and abandon all my comforts, hopes and dreams. I feel so alone.

We had a heart to heart a few nights ago where we agreed it's not going to work. We both cried. It was heartbreaking. It was that night that I left him, in my heart. Since then I've been gone in every way and my physical body is the only thing that has stayed. I know when my relationships end, deep down inside. I know the feeling. The sick, sinking feeling of letting go. And it hasn't stopped since that night.

But at the same time I feel really relieved because I can't wait to be out on my own again, living in a place I actually like, back in my zone. I can't wait to date again when I'm ready and make better choices. I'm so excited for the future but I'm also feeling so so guilty. Besides my bf's health issues and his son he is my dream man. He is the first man to treat me like absolute gold every single day. He is the most kind, patient funny man I've ever met. I will miss him so very much and it will be hard to find another man who treats me as well as he did. He has a heart of gold, not a bad bone in his body. I already miss him so much it hurts. And when he inevitably gets sick, who will be there to take care of him and call his physician for him and make him soup and rub his back? Ugh, feel so sick and guilty. He deserves that. He deserves to be taken care of.

In order to move out I need to pay off quite a few large bills and save up for a security deposit so that will take time. It's killing me to be here when I'm done in my heart yet have to still be here. It's like torture. It really is. Feel like I'm crawling in my skin. Aching and yearning to leave. I left my beautiful house in the country for this...to live in a crappy apartment in a bad area with a kid I don't like, an ex I don't like and no life whatsoever.

Despite our talk, my bf doesn't really know it's over. And I don't feel I need to tell him yet because it will be quite a while until I leave. I just don't want to hurt him and make him uncomfortable when I'm a ways away from leaving. But I'm really distancing myself from him and have been much more quiet than usual so he knows something is up. No more sex either, I don't want to. I'm not a dishonest person so it kills me because I feel like I'm lying to him every day. We work in the same building and he comes down to my unit to see me, he's been doing that a lot more frequently because I think he's trying to hold on.

I have to save up for a new place and moving costs. Believe it or not, RNs don't make a crazy high income where I live. So for now I'm stuck here and I can't tell you how hard that's been. Feel like I'm in purgatory because mentally I'm done but physically I can't leave yet. It's a special kind of torment. Still pay my half of the bills of course.

I just CANNOT believe I'm 34 and want marriage and kids and I'm at the tail end of yet another failed relationship! Oh God. Whyyyyy must this continue to happen time and time again?! Well, I know why I guess. I shouldn't have gotten into this but my bf was so wonderful and I guess I just had to try. Don't we all? I just feel that in my heart I'm to tired for this s**t and just want to settle down and call it a day. Not because I'm desperate for that but because at 34, isn't enough, enough?

So defeated.... just at yet another loss
 

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Don't we all?
Yep. We all do.
Hopium springs eternal.

It was exhausting forcing myself to be someone I'm not.
In the long term, that's what ruins marriages. One partner has to sacrifice too much. Sex, money, child care (especially sacrificial in blended families). At 34, you still have time...... adjust your "picker".... there probably aren't a lot of men at age 34 who don't have kids, but it sounds like this is the highest criterion. Don't pick one with any kids. Don't pick one with "exes", either. Get a younger guy that doesn't have baggage.

If I'm going to stand a chance at a long happy life with marriage and kids, I can't start off with someone so sick. What if we have a 2 year old and he can't work, or passes away. I don't want my life to be like that.
Yep, sick is not the way to go, either. However, I didn't start with "sick", and have survived the deaths of 2 wives and 3 children. Life. Forrest Gump's mom said "death is just a part of life".... and "life is like a box of chocolates"..... you really don't have to start with "sick" in order to get it.

My current wife didn't start with "sick", neither did my SIL, neither did my BIL. But all of them had "sick", two of them survived their spouse's death. My wife will, too.... most likely.......

And when he inevitably gets sick, who will be there to take care of him and call his physician for him and make him soup and rub his back?

I just don't want to hurt him
As an RN, you understand the inevitability. My advice, keep things like you have them. Get out as soon as possible. His health is HIS OWN responsibility, don't make him an albatross.
 

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Thanks so much for this :)

I did build up resentments about the sacrifices I made, significant resentments towards my bf and his son (sad to say) because I feel like I gave up my whole world and everything I enjoyed to be in the relationship. I didn't think it would be that way going into it and I don't blame anyone, I chose to move in. But my bf would tell me, "What sacrifices did you really make? You don't have to do anything for him." And internally I though, "Ummm, how about enjoying my life, my hard earned days off and my partner?"

In the end it was just wayyyy too much baggage to take on. I mean we have him on all our days off. Pretty sure even women who really like kids might have an issue with that because they too still need time with their man. Plus, the ex. Just a huge mess in general, the whole thing.

I did do online dating briefly right before my bf and there were some good quality guys in the age range I was looking for with no kids. Avoiding dating single dads will definitely narrow the dating pool but it's a must for me. I do feel a little better about getting older and not having met my dude yet though. Because at the end of the day it does take time and I have to take my time with it or I'll end up with another failed relationship. Plus I'm so excited to be on my own in a wonderful place again. I'm going to enjoy it :)
 

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I am not sure what you expected to be honest, the child is 5 years old, children need attention and any decent parent will be, well, a decent parent. If you dont want children around then dont date a man with children. The poor kid has already been messed about enough in his short life, to have a woman move in who doesnt like him and resents him and resents the time his own dad spends with him as well as the constant rows, wow, poor little kid.
 

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Despite our talk, my bf doesn't really know it's over. And I don't feel I need to tell him yet because it will be quite a while until I leave. I just don't want to hurt him and make him uncomfortable when I'm a ways away from leaving. But I'm really distancing myself from him and have been much more quiet than usual so he knows something is up. No more sex either, I don't want to. I'm not a dishonest person so it kills me because I feel like I'm lying to him every day. We work in the same building and he comes down to my unit to see me, he's been doing that a lot more frequently because I think he's trying to hold on.
So he has no idea that you're leaving?? Omg you HAVE to tell him! What you're doing is just terrible! He deserves to know.

Nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone with kids, not everyone is cut out to be a step parent, it's not for the faint of heart that's for sure. I too am puzzled as to what exactly you expected when you moved in though? The child is 5 years old.
 

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But my bf would tell me, "What sacrifices did you really make? You don't have to do anything for him."

I feel like I gave up my whole world and everything I enjoyed to be in the relationship.
Now, I encourage you, get out as soon as you can. If your bf does not recognize the sacrifice of your "fresh start" family and of your "just us" time..... he is not a good long-term candidate, no matter how "nice" and "funny" he is. Believe me..... when he gets really sick and you have to take care of them both, with his sense of entitlement ?

You do, indeed, EARN your days off. If you stay where you are, you will get none. NONE.

his ex is really unpleasant and hostile.
Maybe you might understand this as a "red flag".... maybe I can speculate as to "why" she is...... sounds like she "gave up" her "whole world"....no matter the reason, she is going to be a "thorn in the flesh" for another decade and a half until that boy grows up ......

Nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone with kids
Absolutely right.....

Avoiding dating single dads will definitely narrow the dating pool but it's a must for me.
Yep. Must. Drop any who aren't single men, no kids, within 20 minutes of finding out they're not. No exes. Not even if all of them live in Texas.
 

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Thanks so much for this :)

I did build up resentments about the sacrifices I made, significant resentments towards my bf and his son (sad to say) because I feel like I gave up my whole world and everything I enjoyed to be in the relationship. I didn't think it would be that way going into it and I don't blame anyone, I chose to move in. But my bf would tell me, "What sacrifices did you really make? You don't have to do anything for him." And internally I though, "Ummm, how about enjoying my life, my hard earned days off and my partner?"

In the end it was just wayyyy too much baggage to take on. I mean we have him on all our days off. Pretty sure even women who really like kids might have an issue with that because they too still need time with their man. Plus, the ex. Just a huge mess in general, the whole thing.

I did do online dating briefly right before my bf and there were some good quality guys in the age range I was looking for with no kids. Avoiding dating single dads will definitely narrow the dating pool but it's a must for me. I do feel a little better about getting older and not having met my dude yet though. Because at the end of the day it does take time and I have to take my time with it or I'll end up with another failed relationship. Plus I'm so excited to be on my own in a wonderful place again. I'm going to enjoy it :)
Many parents have their children full time, thats what being a parent is.
 

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I think his son is an unfortunate target for your negative feelings toward your bf.

Contrary to your claim he isn’t a dream guy. In fact, he's poor partner material right now. He has a demanding job with a 5 year old and a high conflict ex with which he has poor boundaries. What he needs is a nanny and possibly a nurse as his health issues get worse.

He doesn't need and can't handle a relationship and is a terrible prospect to start a new marriage and family with.

I agree you should get out ASAP. And I would tell him you'll be moving out unless you think he'll go nuts, which it doesn't sound like he will. Let him start to process this too.
 

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Dating and love making is a test and a trial run.

You moved in.
You moved in too soon.
You did the trial-by-fire version of a long term relationship.
You got shot, burned, and are now, bitter.
You tried and failed.
You gave a sickly and hurting man, an abused man, a chance, and HE failed.

Pick yourself up, dust off your stockings, and move out and onward.

Quit being angry and bitter at him. He has it far worse than (a good number) of American men who walk the Earth.

His health issues and work issues, and ex wife issues has broken him. Don't add any more of your destruction.

Yes, he could help (more) of his issues, he doesn't. I suspect a proper diet can turn him around in a few months.

He is likely suffering from depression and could use some medication, there also.
Physically, he mainly has food issues, as I see it.
Mentally, he is beaten down and does not know the extent.

You have both learned from this experience, you both got out alive.
A good thing!

You are a very smart lady, just leave him in peace.



Are Dee-
 
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I have compassion and empathy for you, I really do.

But what in the world would make you move in with a man who has a 5 yo, if you didn't want to have a child in your life period?

The man would obviously want his son in his life and if he didn't would be branded by others as a bad father. You and only you put him in this position.

You owe it to him to tell him you're leaving now that you've decided and look forward to life without him.

If you stay now, only to pay off your bills leveraging his money, time and resources that only makes you a cake eater.

No one is perfect and sometimes we all end up in spots we don't like so truly much empathy for you, take courage and do the right thing.
 

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So this guy, who is facing possibly life ending issues wants to spend as much time with us 5 year old son and your talking about being unhappy because you can’t spontaneously travel? Why did you hook up and then move in with a man with a child if being a step mom is not in the cards for you.

If you would have been a guy posting about not wanting to stay with a single mom and then continue to use her by staying at her place to allow you time to get your ducks ina row or line up another women, and also sexually or financially cutting her off, the responses would be so different.
 

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I didn't think I was going to have an issue with his son when I moved in. I had a goal that we would be a happy family and I would love his son as my own. Otherwise I wouldn't have moved in.

I financially and psychically can't move out right now because there are no adequate rental properties open and I don't have enough money saved. I am picking up extra shifts but let's be real, moving taking time money and planning. It doesn't happen over night and in some cases can take awhile. In the meantime I pay half the bills here and stay out of everyone's hair. Plenty of people have to cohabitate during a break up. It sucks but sometimes you don't have any other choice. Not an uncommon thing to happen.

I really do feel if I told him now, it would only hurt him more. To be forced to have to live with the person who is leaving him. I honestly see no benefit in telling him until a few weeks before I move out. And my benefit I mean, going about this in a way as to hurt him as little as possible.
 

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I didn't think I was going to have an issue with his son when I moved in. I had a goal that we would be a happy family and I would love his son as my own. Otherwise I wouldn't have moved in.

I financially and psychically can't move out right now because there are no adequate rental properties open and I don't have enough money saved. I am picking up extra shifts but let's be real, moving taking time money and planning. It doesn't happen over night and in some cases can take awhile. In the meantime I pay half the bills here and stay out of everyone's hair. Plenty of people have to cohabitate during a break up. It sucks but sometimes you don't have any other choice. Not an uncommon thing to happen.

I really do feel if I told him now, it would only hurt him more. To be forced to have to live with the person who is leaving him. I honestly see no benefit in telling him until a few weeks before I move out. And my benefit I mean, going about this in a way as to hurt him as little as possible.
If you truly want to do the right thing, tell him now.
If you don't tell him now, that really shows poor character. Come on, do the right thing. It will be easier on not just him, but you too.
 

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Plenty of people have to cohabitate during a break up. It sucks but sometimes you don't have any other choice. Not an uncommon thing to happen.
Yes but those people usually know they've broken up, your boyfriend doesn't. What you're doing is despicable. You need to tell him, not doing so is purely for your benefit, not his.
 

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It’s dumb to try to keep someone else warm by setting yourself on fire.

For future reference, don’t get involved with someone that has kids.

There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with getting with someone with kids but it will always involve a greater degree of complexity, limitations and problems to the situation. There is no way that it won’t. It will 100% of the time cause more complexity and trouble in your life for no added benefit to you.
 

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...

I just CANNOT believe I'm 34 and want marriage and kids and I'm at the tail end of yet another failed relationship! Oh God. Whyyyyy must this continue to happen time and time again?! Well, I know why I guess. I shouldn't have gotten into this but my bf was so wonderful and I guess I just had to try. Don't we all? I just feel that in my heart I'm to tired for this s**t and just want to settle down and call it a day. Not because I'm desperate for that but because at 34, isn't enough, enough?

So defeated.... just at yet another loss
Sounds like you figured he'd choose you over his son (or you'd force him to), and it didn't go as planned. Good for him for not doing that. Don't try to make yourself the victim here.

I think the last thing you need is to settle down... honestly, it doesn't sound like you're ready for that. Or at least not for the "having kids" part of it, which requires you to put your own wants and needs behind the wants and needs of your kid(s) for the foreseeable future.
 

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It’s dumb to try to keep someone else warm by setting yourself on fire.

For future reference, don’t get involved with someone that has kids.

There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with getting with someone with kids but it will always involve a greater degree of complexity, limitations and problems to the situation. There is no way that it won’t. It will 100% of the time cause more complexity and trouble in your life for no added benefit to you.
This is all true, but I don't agree with the "no added benefit" part. I know lots of step-parents and step-kids that have great relationships, and willingly remain in eachother's lives even into adulthood... even when their birth parents divorce the step-parent. Some people like raising kids and being around them.

That's neither good nor bad; I'm not making a moral judgment here. It's okay if others don't want to be parents, but they need to be mature enough to acknowledge that, and be up front about it with potential partners.
 

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This is all true, but I don't agree with the "no added benefit" part. I know lots of step-parents and step-kids that have great relationships, and willingly remain in eachother's lives even into adulthood... even when their birth parents divorce the step-parent. Some people like raising kids and being around them.

That's neither good nor bad; I'm not making a moral judgment here. It's okay if others don't want to be parents, but they need to be mature enough to acknowledge that, and be up front about it with potential partners.
There’s no benefit to raising someone else’s children.

Some situations suck less and less troublesome than others and some people have a higher tolerance of kids.

Some step parents and step children even like each other and get along pretty well.

But there’s no added benefit of getting with someone that has kids from a previous relationship vs someone that doesn’t have kids.

there’s no trophy for you at the finish line for raising someone else’s child.
 

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There’s no benefit to raising someone else’s children.

Some situations suck less and less troublesome than others and some people have a higher tolerance of kids.

Some step parents and step children even like each other and get along pretty well.

But there’s no added benefit of getting with someone that has kids from a previous relationship vs someone that doesn’t have kids.

there’s no trophy for you at the finish line for raising someone else’s child.
Some people find the love and affection that comes from parenting a child to be a benefit, or find satisfaction from supporting their partner & that includes supporting their partner's children. Pretty wild, huh?

To use a related but different example, why do people ever adopt children? They obviously feel there's a benefit there. Yet they're raising another person's child.
 

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Some people find the love and affection that comes from parenting a child to be a benefit, or find satisfaction from supporting their partner & that includes supporting their partner's children. Pretty wild, huh?

To use a related but different example, why do people ever adopt children? They obviously feel there's a benefit there. Yet they're raising another person's child.
In adoption they are choosing to adopt a child for the sake of raising a child. Most are already in an established relationship or marriage.

That is different than having a child coming along as part of the package with the partner.

My point is that there is no additional benefit for getting into a relationship with someone that has kids vs someone that doesn’t.
 
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