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An update on a very long journey..........

5K views 45 replies 13 participants last post by  inamessIconfess 
#1 ·
Hi all,
Well I thought it about time I put some sort of an update on the site if for no other reason than to give me an opportunity to share my experience and write down what is happening...

Original thread is here for those interested or who were good enough to post on it...http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/43163-i-dont-know-what-do.html


Time has passed, much has happened....

  • I am still living alone in the marital home
  • My wife and daughter are living in a new place now not too far away.
  • We are still talking about reconciliation on a daily basis
  • I am struggling to trust her.
  • I am struggling with intimacy or even to be attracted to her if I am honest.
  • She is piling on the pressure, it just makes me resist even more!
  • We don't fight any more, things are calmer.
  • OM is out of the picture almost 100% I believe.

In a nut shell this is it.......

If I take her back it might work, I may become more attracted to her again, she has certainly lost weight and seems happier and more stable.

If I take her back I lose all the high ground I have fought so hard for and she will never move out of this house again. If it works out then great.......If it does not however then I will be facing financial hardship if not ruin, as she is not in a position to buy me out.


I hope all you guys are well any way, as always I throw myself at your mercy and I am happy to hear any feedback or advice.

As before I am still in Turmoil, but coping with it quite well, it is just not fair on her to keep this dragging on... :(

Cheers
J
 
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#2 ·
Hi guys,
I went to see a relationship councillor on my own yesterday, she listened a lot and made small amount of comment but perhaps I had higher hopes than were realistic about how I would feel after talking, not really sure it helped at all? :(

Probably going round to see W tonight, I feel another big storm brewing :(

J
 
#3 ·
Yikes. This does not sound like a workable R. How can you commit to a relationship under these circumstances? I commend you for even considering one, I haven't been able to do that. Can you put this on hold any longer? Maybe time will allow you to find the path you should take. Cyber-hugs.
 
#4 ·
Cheers Pluto, "Yikes" is indeed the word, this has been the worst year of my life.

We talked again last night, the usual anger came out at the prospect of rejection, I am used to it now and have no issues telling her exactly how I feel about it.

We discussed the obvious Xmas issues and came to an agreement that she would come and stay back with me for Xmas Eve, Xmas Day and boxing day (we have things planned with the daughter anyway). Two nights of having her living back with me, I hope this tells me all I need to know about whether it will or will not work in the long run.

This may be a mistake I don't know but it is Xmas and good things happen at Xmas...right?

Cheers
J
 
#5 ·
hi ya j.
how are you mate , been a tough old road by the sound of it and l really admire you and wish you lots of good things.
l hope they happen during christmas too , mines not looking too flash right now that's for sure.
my wife who moved out 8 wks ago , with my 11y daughter , just text me and suggested we all have a feast here christmas eve for my daughter. at the house here. l'm still there you see.
i'm very weird on the idea , l have too much anger at her still , not sure if l can fake it for a night with my daughter around.
or how she could expect to come back to our home , our old kitchen , and act like nothings happened.
l'm still getting my head around it and haven't gotten back to her yet.
but you say you guys are gonna take a few vdays , must be hard . but then the om's of the scene and she wants you back so it's a different game l guess. wish i could say the same

j you can take a lot from yourself to be proud of in the way that she's grovelling back - how cool , doesn't mean you have to take her but she is. that's great for you.
and that the tables have turned and your in the drivers seat, glory to ya j , glory to ya. you've earn't it and get the last laugh after all that grief .
j , there's one thing that comes through strongly though about whether or not to take her back, you mightn't like it and this is just me ok so take it with a grain of salt.
but you are asking yourself , your having trouble with the decision and your uneasy about it.
for me , whenever that comes into a big decision , if l go for it
it turns out the wrong move , every time .
even though l still fall for it to this day and have trouble , l do find if l can't make up my mind about something then it pans out to be a big no in the end.
but maybe that's just my pattern as l say but l just feel it should be an easy decision for you , calm and at ease with it.

all the very best anyway and good luck , keep us posted.
 
#6 ·
Cheers Whitehawk, great reply :)

I feel for you bro, really do, I am almost a year at this now which I am sure is not what you want to hear at the 8 week mark, but I am stronger and better able to deal, with every day that passes.

The bit you write at the end about doubts and decisions I completely agree with and deep down I suspect we won't make it; but I have to be able to say hand on heart....I tried my best!

We did go on holiday a month back for 5 days (4 nights in separate rooms) it was ok, challenging, calm but I know she was very disappointed in the way it went. I think she expected me to just cave in and fall back in to bed with her, all is forgiven etc etc....it is not that easy though.

There is still a part of me clinging on to the happily ever after, the holidays, the good times, the life as a family unit for my daughter and for us both too, but that picture is clouded by the reality of living with her infidelity and moreover her dishonesty. :|

All the very best to you anyway

J
 
#8 ·
Hi HappyKaty,

"Force" is a strong word and perhaps I am painting an overly hash picture. I do have genuine love for her, we have been together for 14 years, I am just struggling with intimacy and trust (Big things I know!).

I have asked myself where we would be if we did not have our daughter and I'm not sure, but I suspect that we would be done already. We are forced to still be in regular contact, as a result of contact etc, and that has endured throughout so there has been no real opportunity to walk away really?

Merry Xmas

J
 
#10 ·
Mmm, tricky one...

I haven't given a list as such because that would just open up a can of worms, i.e. "I've done 1, 2 and 3 but you didn't mention 4!"

Basically...... Loyalty, Honesty, Respect & Love

I would like to see her mend some bridges with some of our friends but that is not a major issue I guess.

Why do you ask?

J
 
#13 ·
My ex and I reconciled three times, with no boundaries.

Notice the second word in that first sentence.

It never works if you don't set boundaries.

And, sometimes, even then, it doesn't work.

Before you can attempt R, he HAS to be out of the picture.

You know that, yeah?
 
#14 ·
"Three" times, wow, that must have been very hard :( Can I ask what time scales were involved from start to finish? Roughly?

That is the one thing I absolutely DO know in all of this. That is the reason I have forced her to first move in with her mother and then to move into her own place. All the while I have been watching her very closely and monitoring how much she actually is "Over" him and "Moving on" etc. It is only in the last few weeks I have started to see real evidence that she actually has him out of her system.....

Still being careful though ;)

Cheers
J
 
#15 ·
Three times, in three years.

Basically, it was me trying to put together a puzzle that never would've fit.

Regardless, though, I never demanded stipulations or terms.

That results in a recurrent cycle.

Every. Single. Time.

You must have the written no-contact letter.

You need MC.

You have to be okay with taking back someone that cheated on you.
 
#16 ·
Wow that sounds bad, if I am still going through this s*** in three years I swear I'll lose it!

Dare I say it is different for a girl/woman? I mean are husbands more likely to re-offend than wives? Genuine question.

One thing she has suggested, which I have not yet taken her up on, is that she will sign an agreement that if it does not work out after moving back in, she will move out again and find her own place. I guess that gives some credibility to her desire, that or desperation?!

J
 
#17 · (Edited)
No.

Based on this forum, alone, women are more likely to re-offend.

Don't take an "agreement".

Sweetie, she stepped outside of your marriage.

That is the ultimate fail.

You are better than that.

I know your reasons for staying, but really...

What do you get out of this?
 
#18 ·
"What do I get out of this?" - Good question, and here goes, honestly and straight off the top of my head.....

  • Financial stability
  • Full and complete access to my daughter
  • Some return to normality
  • Years of wondering where she is and what she is doing, most likely.
  • I get to keep my house
  • Family stuff like holidays and Xmas
  • Hopefully a loyal and faithful wife

I do hear you, I guess I just want to be sure before I drop the bomb and who wants to break up at Xmas??

J
 
#19 ·
Katy is absolutely correct. You need to know what your terms for reconciliation are.

You get the above out of it IF it works out. It does not magically work out though. You need to know what you are ok and not ok with happening for a R.

#1 is the posOM has to be absolutely out of the picture. She will need to move stables, if she has to. It does not matter. She can have NO contact at all with him.
 
#23 ·
Katy is absolutely correct. You need to know what your terms for reconciliation are.

You get the above out of it IF it works out. It does not magically work out though. You need to know what you are ok and not ok with happening for a R.

#1 is the posOM has to be absolutely out of the picture. She will need to move stables, if she has to. It does not matter. She can have NO contact at all with him.
:iagree:

posOM = Piece of sh!t Other Man

I was in R for 5 years. I don't want to say it was false, but I know we did not R under the right terms. This was before TAM and any guidance on how to deal with infidelity correctly.

The posOM HAS TO BE OUT OF THE PICTURE COMPLETELY!! She has to move her horses. No contact. Period.

You need to set the boundaries on how you want to R. You make the calls. Not her. She is a cheater and should be grateful that you are even giving her the possibility of getting back together with you. She needs to start doing some heavy lifting in order to try to win back your trust.

Just know, if you do get back together, the marriage as you have known it is OVER. There are going to be new rules, restrictions and you can never trust blindly again. You will always need to "trust but verify".

Are you ready for all of that? But more importantly, will your WW step up to the plate to make R possible for you?

Please listen to the people who have been through similar situations. I wish you luck.
 
#21 ·
PosOM = Piece of "crap" other man.

Inamess,

Take a look at your reasons, again.

Do you need your wife to fulfill those desires?

"Normalcy" is what so many of us hang on to, when, in fact, nothing about are lives are normal.

Especially when infidelity is concerned.

Think about what YOU want and not what makes you feel normal.

From experience, I can tell you, something that appears to be, can be completely deceiving.

By the way, no one wants to "break up" on a holiday, but is there ever a good time?
 
#22 ·
Many times our definition of normal isn't in fact correct, it's rather a "routine". When my wife left I believe that is what took a great deal on me.

For years you are used to seeing that person and talking to that person everyday and in one day it just suddenly stops, not gradually, not over time, just abruptly.


When/if you make a new "routine" for yourself, your definition of "normal" will change as you change it.
 
#25 · (Edited)
God it's so tough , but j hey , I'd just kill to have her grovelling back :D
satisfaction , nice !

I really feel for ya j , sorta glad that one's not being asked of me right now , just wouldn't know what to do.
yeah i dunno , personally I reckon anyone he or she can be just as likely or unlikely . think to it all depends on the why's .
my stuff was pretty clear like that so if that happened with us i think i could read it bc there was one very loud and clear reason . not to say it was f'g justified but that was loud and clear.

i don't think your pushing yourself at all j , god who wouldn't be asking themselves all this stuff and deep down wish it could be different.l reckon we all would especially with a family
l'd kill for it in lots of ways for all the family reasons and for what we were and had .
got a feeling though l'll never get the question , mine is still so strongly of the rails , l don't know her now .
she told me it's not like that at all but it's just that it is the hardest thing she's ever ever done so she has this wall and face built up to cope .
thanks for your support to j , yea not looking forward to the road ahead it's been my worst nightmare but what can ya do when kids are involved. can't believe I was stupid enough to get caught up in this bs.

friend of mine told me they got back together 5 times , gotta be a record :scratchhead: so there ya go we can all feel better cause that one would take some beating hey.
 
#26 ·
Whitehawk,

The 180 is the way. There is no better way to deal with things in my opinion. Nothing seems to be as attractive to a wayward spouse than their other half becoming disinterested and indifferent to their communication. In some ways I wish she had not come back, that way I would have not had to make any difficult choices and would have been able to start really getting on with my life, be careful what you wish for!

vi_bride04

I think she is willing to do pretty much whatever at this point to get back the life she had. That could mean the house, it could mean me, who knows for sure? Also she wants back that life that she was so quick to turn her back on, so clearly for it to work something must change too!


HappyKaty

You are right of course, I am hanging on to what was normality and also avoiding the almost certain s*** storm that will come with absolutely saying no to my WW, (starts singing Taylor Swift song in head...We are never, never, never, getting back together....).
Trust me when I say that I am being very careful and that I am not going to sign off on this R until I am 100% certain it is the right thing for ALL of us. We are talking and spending time together, I WILL NOT BE RUSHED into anything, no matter what form the emotional blackmail takes.
And as for the list of things I get out of R, you are right, I could get them on my own or with another, I do know that I guess. It would be a shame to take the easy way out after what has happened this year, time will tell I guess.......


Well guys, I sincerely hope you all have a great Xmas and really, thanks to all of you, the advice on here is superb and I feel for so many others who have gone through or are going through this sort of stuff, stay strong, life is too short for misery!

All the best :)
J
 
#27 ·
Hi guys,

Hope the Xmas hangovers aren't too heavy :)

WW has just left with my daughter and headed back to her flat after spending 3 nights here.


  • I went ok ish
  • There was no intamacy
  • We talked a lot
  • We argued some
  • I don't think we are much further forward
  • I HAVE to make a decision, it is kiling her being in limbo waiting for me to make a decision.


So what to do?
I simply must make a choice even though I am uncertain which way to turn. I am terrified of making the wrong choice but so much hangs on my actions in these coming days I can't even put it in words.


Decisions, decisions, decisions...................:confused:


All the best
J
 
#28 ·
You don't have to make a decision about sh!t until you are good and ready.

Who cares if she suffering being in limbo? She is the WS, she has no right to say when a decision needs to be made. If she is pressuring you, she is just trying to move past it with as little consequences as possible.

Take as much time as you need with this. Its a huge decision, no matter what you decide.
 
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