[Casual Observer]

Non-existent. She was a virgin & was brought up to believe sex was bad.

We only know her claims that she was a virgin prior to marriage. OP says she did have a history with guys trying to have hook-ups with her, which she fought off. So she says. Imagine a guilt-ridden person, someone who'd gone secretly against their beliefs and engaged in sex and felt that what they'd been taught was that they'd ruined themselves for marriage because of it. So instead they pretend it never happened, perhaps believing that everything will be fine once married, but instead every sexual act brings back the need to repress what had gone on before. Sex becomes the enemy, something to be avoided at all costs, a reminder of things gone wrong.

We're talking trauma of an extreme nature. It happens. Don't ask me how I know.

 

[oldshirt]

He addresses this in an earlier post.

She would not have sex with him prior to marriage and then was reluctant to have sex on the honeymoon and would mock and ridicule him the next day after sex.

 

[A18S37K14H18]

OP

You are 45 years old.

Why post about this?

You KNOW none of this good. You KNOW you shouldn't talk to her etc.

So your sex life with your wife sucks. Fix it or stay like it is or divorce her.

You are intentionaly choosing to go down the WORST path and you know this.

 

[BlueWoman]

my sense is she is well aware she can’t justify her behavior towards me and therefore won’t discuss it. She just said on a few occasions in the past four years that based on my attitude I didn’t deserve sex. She refused to be specific. Will she ever have sex with me again? How could I know that?

Does your wife really say you don't "deserve" sex? Because that is some serious gaslighting. Whatever her issue is, it's her issue. Making this out as if it were somehow your fault is definitely toxic.

If your wife isn't interested in discussing it, then you can't fix it. It's out of your hands. If you aren't interested in living this way, then go see a lawyer. Or continue living with her in a sexless marriage.

 

[bygone]

Your wife said it wasn't good enough to make her want sex!
Are you sure that your wife is not in a relationship with others? Did you ever check it out?

Many sites have articles of people who had a relationship with their om/ow for 10/20 years or until their om/ow died.

 

[wmn1]

Non-existent. She was a virgin & was brought up to believe sex was bad.

I just wonder why he married her then ? He has to take some responsibility for it.

I think I found his story on Reddit.

Regardless, sick situation

 

[MassDaddy]

I just wonder why he married her then ? He has to take some responsibility for it.

I think I found his story on Reddit.

Regardless, sick situation

My story is not on Reddit. I do take responsibility. I’ve already said that in a prior post. That’s why I have lived with it. I married her because I love her. I didn’t know this would happen. All marriages are a gamble…

 

[bobert]

My story is not on Reddit. I do take responsibility. I’ve already said that in a prior post. That’s why I have lived with it. I married her because I love her. I didn’t know this would happen. All marriages are a gamble…

It's true that you didn't know this would happen, and it's not the case with every marriage that waits until marriage. However, the red flags were coming up as early as your honeymoon. This "marriage" could have ended shortly after it began, and certainly before children entered the picture.

 

[oldshirt]

My story is not on Reddit. I do take responsibility. I’ve already said that in a prior post. That’s why I have lived with it. I married her because I love her. I didn’t know this would happen. All marriages are a gamble…

All marriages are a gamble.

But some things stack the odds in your favor or against you. The fact she would not have sex with you prior to marriage, was reluctant to be intimate with you on your honeymoon, would mock and ridicule you after the few times you did have sex and only wanted to have sex for conception should have been major clues. But yet you continued to plant babies in her and have remained with her for 17 years, 6 of which have been completely sexless.

But that is all water under the bridge and without a time machine, you can't go back and change that.

But tomorrow is a new day,,, You can change the course of your future. Just because you made mistakes in the past does not mean you are condemned to continue with those mistakes.

The one thing that is worse than 17 years of a dead marriage is 17 years and a day.

 

[86857]

What's actually stopping you from divorcing her? Maybe that's a good place to start to sort your head out.

-You love her? Everyone loves her? Well, what you're getting isn't from her isn't love. I don't even know what to call it. What's with the ridiculing you next day? Wow! Dunno how you've put up with that.
-Money? More complicated for sure. But is divorce impossible?

You're tempted to have an A, otherwise you wouldn't be here.
Don't do it, if for no other reason that if she finds out and you divorce, you'll get the worst possible outcome. If you don't divorce, your life will be 100 times worse than it is now, forever. You want to walk into another marriage just for sex? Think of the kids of OW, not her. You gonna do that to them? and their Dad?
You well know all the other reasons you shouldn't.
She's married yet she's putting out the warmies to you. Frankly she ain't a good alternative. I'd stay a million miles away.
Just my thruppence worth.

 

[oldshirt]

It's true that you didn't know this would happen, and it's not the case with every marriage that waits until marriage. However, the red flags were coming up as early as your honeymoon. This "marriage" could have ended shortly after it began, and certainly before children entered the picture.

The religious community has played a big joke on the world in getting people to believe that no one should have any kind of sexual relations prior to marriage, but if they manage to hold out that they will miraculously be blessed with a wonderful sex life after marriage.

To that, the OP was duped to a degree and sold a bad bill of goods by a greater conspiracy. He and countless other chumps.

Going forward I think the big clue on whether someone who is waiting for marriage due to strong religious convictions vs simply being a sexual dud is how comfortable and content are they waiting.

If it doesn't bother them a bit and they are perfectly fine to wait until the marriage and they have no trouble keeping you at arm's length and keep saying to wait until the wedding etc etc etc - they are simply either a sexual dud or they do not have any genuine desire for you.

On the other hand if they are yearning for touch and they making out with passion and their body is burning to melt with you and they are sincerely struggling to hold out until the wedding,,,, and heck there are even people that ascribe to the "Poophole Loophole" ,,,,,, there is at least some hope.

But if they are content to wait, push you away at arm's length at any kind of physical intimacy and are not bothered at all by not having sexual contact - Run Forest Run!!!!!!!

 

[ABHale]

I’m a 45 year old husband married 17 years with 4 children. Sex has always been a problem and my wife has left me sexless (zero) for last six years. My wife is healthy, pretty but has no physical interest in me. I’m confident she hasn’t cheated. I have asked for sex many times but she always says no and claims I’m simply not nice enough to her to make her want to have sex.

We get along ok but not great. I still love her, but doubt she loves me, although she says she does. For obvious reasons I resent her satisfaction with not having sex or any physical intimacy with me. She is very willing to never have sex with me and just raise the kids. Divorce is not being considered.

I recently was contacted by a former girlfriend (from 20 years ago) out of nowhere. She’s married with kids. We were in love for years and had incredible sex together. I literally haven’t thought about her in years and we don’t have any current friends in common. She said she thinks of me fairly often, sometimes dreams about me and just wants to know how I am.
Our talk was personal, nostalgic and we both discussed our lives. I never suggested my marriage has any problems. She said her marriage was ok. Nothing more. She said she’d like to see me with a group of old friends. No mention of spouses. She didn’t flirt with me but was very interested in catching up.

Two questions: 1. Do you think old girlfriend is trying to approach me for an affair or was it just a bit of nostalgia for her? 2. Is it wrong of me to have a sexual relationship with her in light of my wife’s complete and total refusal to have a sexual relationship with me? Is that really cheating?

Any other general thoughts welcome.

The answer to number two is: Yes it is cheating. Just tell your wife if she doesn’t want to have sex with you that you will find it somewhere else. That you are finished being in a sexless marriage.

Sorry but, most stories about a sexless marriage turn to the one refusing sex having or had an affair.

 

[ABHale]

My wife is steadfast in her refusal to discuss her reasons for not having sex. I’ve literally tried talking to her for the last 12 years about it. She has gotten up and left the room. I sent her a letter in the mail to impress upon her the importance of it. She just told me that she loved me but wasn’t willing to discuss it.

my sense is she is well aware she can’t justify her behavior towards me and therefore won’t discuss it. She just said on a few occasions in the past four years that based on my attitude I didn’t deserve sex. She refused to be specific. Will she ever have sex with me again? How could I know that?

She is in love with the guy she is cheating with. She won’t cheat on him by having sex with you.

 

[wmn1]

My story is not on Reddit. I do take responsibility. I’ve already said that in a prior post. That’s why I have lived with it. I married her because I love her. I didn’t know this would happen. All marriages are a gamble…

I apologize, sir. There is a post on Reddit that matches yours. I should not have assumed.

I agree with you that all marriages are a gamble and none are perfect.

I am supportive in every way except cheating, especially with a married woman.

The best move IMO is to divorce and find a single woman who can fulfill your needs.

I do appreciate your loyalty in staying with this situation for so long. She needs to $hit or get off the pot.

My only question is if you were duped, why did you ignore the warning signs ? However, regardless, you have to react in the situation you are in

 

[wmn1]

What's actually stopping you from divorcing her? Maybe that's a good place to start to sort your head out.

-You love her? Everyone loves her? Well, what you're getting isn't from her isn't love. I don't even know what to call it. What's with the ridiculing you next day? Wow! Dunno how you've put up with that.
-Money? More complicated for sure. But is divorce impossible?

You're tempted to have an A, otherwise you wouldn't be here.
Don't do it, if for no other reason that if she finds out and you divorce, you'll get the worst possible outcome. If you don't divorce, your life will be 100 times worse than it is now, forever. You want to walk into another marriage just for sex? Think of the kids of OW, not her. You gonna do that to them? and their Dad?
You well know all the other reasons you shouldn't.
She's married yet she's putting out the warmies to you. Frankly she ain't a good alternative. I'd stay a million miles away.
Just my thruppence worth.

this !!! If she's married, and she's putting herself out there, why considering having an affair at all, especially with a cheater

 

[wmn1]

She is in love with the guy she is cheating with. She won’t cheat on him by having sex with you.

this is often true. Is she using his loyalty and ethical behavior against him by cheating but ensuring he doesn't cheat on her.

I am not saying this is the case but we have seen it here multiple times.

 

[maquiscat]

Two questions: 1. Do you think old girlfriend is trying to approach me for an affair or was it just a bit of nostalgia for her?

You most likely got a rash of people who claimed affair. But these are more likely from those dealing with scars from past cheating, and see anything even close to this as an affair brewing. It could be either one. People can relish the old days and not desire to relive them today.

2. Is it wrong of me to have a sexual relationship with her in light of my wife’s complete and total refusal to have a sexual relationship with me? Is that really cheating?

If you are going to do it behind her back and not tell her, then yes it's cheating. Even if your wife is not providing you sex, you are still in the wrong for going behind her back. Now, you still have several other choices. You can ask for an open marriage, and get your sex on the side. Hell you can even tell her outright that since she will not provide that you will go out and get it, and if she doesn't like it, she can leave. A bit heavy handed, but not cheating per se. Or you can leave and then find someone who will provide. Keep in mind that there are those who would claim that other than the third option is cheating as well. In the end, they are your vows or promises or whatever and only you know (others will claim to know but they weren't there) what they were and how dearly you hold them. Only you can define whether engaging in open honest relationships is cheating or in violation of your vows or not.

 

[maquiscat]

what about having sex with a sex worker instead of an affair with an ex? It’s very hard to think my sex life is over.

Whether it is a sex worker or your ex, my points on your choices still stand. It doesn't matter who it is. To hold it as a secret is wrong and cheating.

Divorce is out of the question. I literally will die if I don’t have my children. They’re all I have in my life.

You're stuck in old world thinking. If you have done nothing wrong with regards to the children, then there is no basis for any court to deny you access to them. It becomes a matter of who has custody for what lengths of period. Many men are getting custody as women are these days. Dual custody is a valid option, especially if you both can manage to live in the same school district. Many people who are divorcing are realizing that they may not have been good spouses, but they can still be good parents and co-parent without being married or living together. Keep this in mind with regards to your children. They can end up suffering more and learning the wrong relationship behaviors from you two remaining married. Do you really want them to grow up to think that a sexless marriage is a valid working one, and copy the kind of marriage you and your wife currently have?

 

[Evinrude58]

We don't know that she has a lack of sex drive. She's made it clear he's not nice enough to her that she wants to make love to him. Seems clear enough to me.

Lol. She refused him sex for 6 months the first year of marriage. If he is such an ass to her, why did she marry him? If he’s such an ass, why did she have 2 kids with him ?

The only thing clear here is that this woman NEVER had any romantic interest in the OP, was strictly marrying him for a sperm donor/walking ATM. And, that the OP has consistently rewarded his shrew with being a good provider while she otherwise ignores him.

OP, your wife has been the same as the day before you married her. Why are you complaining? She never has wanted sex with you! Just accept that or divorce her. There’s not much else you can do.

 

[Peering_Within]

Unpopular opinion perhaps (haven't read all the multitude of replies to this post): I am woman willing to say sex is a NEED. I am fairly sexual and don't get enough from my husband. That's fine--what I do get it great (so Great). That said, if I got none--it would be more difficult. Sex is about reproduction (of course) and really about closeness in marriage. From a religious POV is it a recommitting of the marriage promise. I do think your wife should try to look into endocrine/psychological/etc. causes for her lack of sexual desire. It is unfair to you that she isn't willing to be more giving. It is a spouse's duty to attempt to be there (within reason) for each other. Especially if they expect fidelity--not that you should act on your impulses. That is all kinds of asking for trouble. Ditch the Ex. That's a mess best left alone.