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Yes and yes.

You have two choices - end the marriage or suck it up and deal. I personally wouldn't waste money on counselling. You shouldn't have to go to counselling for your spouse to sleep with you.
Agreed, counseling will NOT fix this.

He needs to get himself together, get a lot stronger and more confident, and move on. If she happens to come around and start enthusiastically ****ing him, MAYBE he could consider working on the marriage (1 in 1 million, but you never know).

Or he could just suck it up as you put it. And live the rest of his life as a sad involuntary celibate, in a sad marriage with a wife who doesn’t respect or desire him.

I think the best choice is pretty ****ing obvious, but that’s OPs call. We see what he has continually chosen thus far…
 

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Who knows what the ex is up to. It doesn’t matter nor should you find out. You have neglected your marriage for at least six years and want to blame your wife for your discontent? Own your feelings. Discuss the situation with your wife honestly. If she doesn’t want sex because you’re “not nice” and you’re “not nice” because she isn’t interested in sex, should you be married?

If you want to create new rules, new boundaries that allow each of you to go outside of your marriage for sex, be honest about it with your wife. Don’t cheat. Have some integrity.

just curious, how do you come off and say that OP has neglected his marriage ? It sounds like to me that his wife has neglected the marriage by being sexless and then gaslighting him. Just because she says 'he's not being nice' Doesn't mean he's 'not being nice'.

Plus just mentioning the possibility here of open marriage is horrible. Those relationships aren't pursued by 95 % of the people and of the 5% who try it, their divorce rates are horrific. This guy doesn't need to be screwing other women. He needs to take steps in order to fix it. He is not alone in sexless marriages but many do fix them and I feel he needs to have a ganeplan. BUT she is responsible for neglecting him sexually too.
Yes, and yes.

Why don’t you consider a divorce? Then you at least have hope of finding a woman who wants sex with you.
Yes this !!!
 

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Agreed, counseling will NOT fix this.

He needs to get himself together, get a lot stronger and more confident, and move on. If she happens to come around and start enthusiastically ****ing him, MAYBE he could consider working on the marriage (1 in 1 million, but you never know).

Or he could just suck it up as you put it. And live the rest of his life as a sad involuntary celibate, in a sad marriage with a wife who doesn’t respect or desire him.

I think the best choice is pretty ****ing obvious, but that’s OPs call. We see what he has continually chosen thus far…
agreed
 

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just curious, how do you come off and say that OP has neglected his marriage ? It sounds like to me that his wife has neglected the marriage by being sexless and then gaslighting him. Just because she says 'he's not being nice' Doesn't mean he's 'not being nice'.

Plus just mentioning the possibility here of open marriage is horrible. Those relationships aren't pursued by 95 % of the people and of the 5% who try it, their divorce rates are horrific. This guy doesn't need to be screwing other women. He needs to take steps in order to fix it. He is not alone in sexless marriages but many do fix them and I feel he needs to have a ganeplan. BUT she is responsible for neglecting him sexually too.
@Casual Observer is correct, the OP has been neglectful and asleep at the wheel. He has allowed this to go on for many years without addressing the issues or holding her or himself accountable for the breakdown of the marriage.

She has never been into him sexually and only had sex for conception to get children out of him.

She got what she wanted out of the marriage and since he has not addressed his discontent with her or the marriage, it is questionable on how neglectful she has been.

In terms of open marriage, that is also a legitimate topic for discussion. She has made clear through word and deed that she does not want a sex life with him. There for he is well within his right to divorce her or if neither he nor she wish to divorce, then he is within his right to seek his needs elsewhere outside of the marriage.

I understand people's urgings for him to try to "fix" this. But read his posts, when he did ask to seek MC, she refused MC and said they could talk to HER PARENTS instead.

So you tell me - is there any hope for marriage that has never had an active sex life and has been completely sexless for 6 years and she would only agree to discuss their marital issues with her parents?

This is a dead end and a done deal.
 

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Discussion Starter · #66 ·
Has your wife told you what it is that you do that makes her not want to have sex with you? What's her viewpoint on this?

Do you have your wife spend time together doing things that you both enjoy, just the two of you? If so what sort of things do you two do and how often do you two do them?
My wife is steadfast in her refusal to discuss her reasons for not having sex. I’ve literally tried talking to her for the last 12 years about it. She has gotten up and left the room. I sent her a letter in the mail to impress upon her the importance of it. She just told me that she loved me but wasn’t willing to discuss it.

my sense is she is well aware she can’t justify her behavior towards me and therefore won’t discuss it. She just said on a few occasions in the past four years that based on my attitude I didn’t deserve sex. She refused to be specific. Will she ever have sex with me again? How could I know that?
 

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We don't know that she has a lack of sex drive. She's made it clear he's not nice enough to her that she wants to make love to him. Seems clear enough to me.
I'd agree with this, BUT he stated later -- she really has NEVER been in to sex.
She AGREED to have sex 2ce on their honeymoon? Ummm, yeah, NO. If at no other time, she should have been banging him until the cows came home.

I think she has a very warped sense of sexuality and what it means to a marriage.
She's probably been told it's only for having kids her entire life, so....
 

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Discussion Starter · #68 ·
Has your wife told you what it is that you do that makes her not want to have sex with you? What's her viewpoint on this?

Do you have your wife spend time together doing things that you both enjoy, just the two of you? If so what sort of things do you two do and how often do you two do them?
We do very few things together. We get along pretty well but I’m not that interested in doing things with her anymore due to building resentment. We do lots of things with our children
 

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My wife is steadfast in her refusal to discuss her reasons for not having sex. I’ve literally tried talking to her for the last 12 years about it. She has gotten up and left the room. I sent her a letter in the mail to impress upon her the importance of it. She just told me that she loved me but wasn’t willing to discuss it.

my sense is she is well aware she can’t justify her behavior towards me and therefore won’t discuss it. She just said on a few occasions in the past four years that based on my attitude I didn’t deserve sex. She refused to be specific. Will she ever have sex with me again? How could I know that?
Well tell her that since she can't discuss your sexual issues, then you need to sit down and discuss divorce.
If she willfully doesn't communicate, YOU can't solve the problem by yourself -- she flat out just doesn't want to.
PLEASE see a lawyer first to determine how things would work out financially, child support/custody, etc.. At least this way you have a plan.
Oh, DO NOT pull the divorce card unless you are completely prepared to follow through.
She will probably try to pull her parents into this at which point you can tell them that she refuses to have marital relations, and refuses to discuss it. A marriage without sex isn't a marriage (unless there are medical issues..).
 

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My wife is steadfast in her refusal to discuss her reasons for not having sex.
Of course, she is.... she will LOSE, and she will LOSE BIG TIME if she tells you the truth. You will dump her like a used Kleenex.

I think she has a very warped sense of sexuality and what it means to a marriage.
And, she has a very self-centered and sinful attitude that she is "entitled" to a marriage in which she TAKES everything and GIVES nothing.

PLEASE see a lawyer first to determine how things would work out financially, child support/custody, etc..
This is good advice.
 

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just curious, how do you come off and say that OP has neglected his marriage ? It sounds like to me that his wife has neglected the marriage by being sexless and then gaslighting him. Just because she says 'he's not being nice' Doesn't mean he's 'not being nice'.

Plus just mentioning the possibility here of open marriage is horrible. Those relationships aren't pursued by 95 % of the people and of the 5% who try it, their divorce rates are horrific. This guy doesn't need to be screwing other women. He needs to take steps in order to fix it. He is not alone in sexless marriages but many do fix them and I feel he needs to have a ganeplan. BUT she is responsible for neglecting him sexually too.
He neglected the marriage because he allowed this to go on so long that he can rationalize having an affair. That part is on him.

I don’t believe in open marriage by the way. I don’t consider that a true marriage. The point was to make him understand that would be the only alternative, since he doesn’t want to divorce her. How would his wife feel about that?
 

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I have wondered if she may be gay. By her upbringing, the worst thing a person can be is gay. The second worst thing is being sexual.
This is why counseling may help. She was taught sex is bad. This isn't about her being attracted to you. She genuinely thinks she shouldn't have urges & she thinks you are warped because you want sex.

what about having sex with a sex worker instead of an affair with an ex? It’s very hard to think my sex life is over. Divorce is out of the question. I literally will die if I don’t have my children. They’re all I have in my life.
Your sex life never got started but it doesn't matter if you pay for sex outside your marriage or get in through an affair. It's still cheating. Marital vows say forsaking ALL others' there are no exceptions for prostitutes.

Divorce is not out of the question. You simply don't want to divorce. You are making a choice to never have sex again because you don't want to leave somebody who has broken her vows to you for years. It's called marital abandonment.


My wife is steadfast in her refusal to discuss her reasons for not having sex. I’ve literally tried talking to her for the last 12 years about it. She has gotten up and left the room. I sent her a letter in the mail to impress upon her the importance of it. She just told me that she loved me but wasn’t willing to discuss it.
I suspect that religion plays a huge role in your wife's screwed up views about sex so go talk to her minister & get that person to give her permission. I am envisioning an intervention type situation where you ambush her with the minister so she can't say no to talking. Her refusal to talk to you s childish & petty. You really need to tell her that if she doesn't talk to you with an eye toward fixing things you will divorce. Getting out of this sham of a marriage is your best option. I get that you don't want to divorce so that makes you are condemned to a life of celibacy. That is your choice but it is a choice. By staying married you are accepting this.
 

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He neglected the marriage because he allowed this to go on so long that he can rationalize having an affair. That part is on him.

I don’t believe in open marriage by the way. I don’t consider that a true marriage. The point was to make him understand that would be the only alternative, since he doesn’t want to divorce her. How would his wife feel about that?
Fair enough, I misread you.

I too am absolutely opposed to open marriage. I too feel it's not a true marriage. Not at all.

Regarding your first point, I see now where you were getting at. Yes, he allowed it to go on too long and he should have fixed it or should have gotten off the pot. Also his thoughts about not only having an affair but also with a woman who is married and with kids is highly disturbing.

To him, if his marriage is a mess, why destroy another family because of you and your wife's own failures.

To me, while it is somewhat common, I think there's more to her withholding sex than 'you're not nice enough to me' or religion. Her refusal to talk speaks volumes but that is a hunch right now.

My advice to him at this point is to not cheat, stop begging for sex and simply lay down the law and say to her that she is not filling her complete role in the marriage by withholding sex without a reason adequate to him and the marriage can't last that way and leave it at that. If she fails to come around, get a D or accept lifelong celibacy.

Thanks for the response
 

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I'd agree with this, BUT he stated later -- she really has NEVER been in to sex.
She AGREED to have sex 2ce on their honeymoon? Ummm, yeah, NO. If at no other time, she should have been banging him until the cows came home.

I think she has a very warped sense of sexuality and what it means to a marriage.
She's probably been told it's only for having kids her entire life, so....
I wonder how the sex life was before marriage ? Did she get married under false pretenses and then go cold or was she this way before marriage and he just accepted it which would be on him
 

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@Casual Observer is correct, the OP has been neglectful and asleep at the wheel. He has allowed this to go on for many years without addressing the issues or holding her or himself accountable for the breakdown of the marriage.

She has never been into him sexually and only had sex for conception to get children out of him.

She got what she wanted out of the marriage and since he has not addressed his discontent with her or the marriage, it is questionable on how neglectful she has been.

In terms of open marriage, that is also a legitimate topic for discussion. She has made clear through word and deed that she does not want a sex life with him. There for he is well within his right to divorce her or if neither he nor she wish to divorce, then he is within his right to seek his needs elsewhere outside of the marriage.

I understand people's urgings for him to try to "fix" this. But read his posts, when he did ask to seek MC, she refused MC and said they could talk to HER PARENTS instead.

So you tell me - is there any hope for marriage that has never had an active sex life and has been completely sexless for 6 years and she would only agree to discuss their marital issues with her parents?

This is a dead end and a done deal.

I agree it's a dead end and that the OP is complicit in being asleep at the wheel.

I would like to know how their relationship was pre-marriage because if she was fine to him sexually back then, he got baited.

I disagree with you about open marriage. I am completely open marriage and it will cause more problems. Especially with another married woman.

Fix it or divorce but don't bring other women into this nightmare.

I do agree with you that it appears unfixable so why beat a dead horse and keep trying.

Personally, there is something up with her that isn't being revealed IMO but it is what it is.
 

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I’m a 45 year old husband married 17 years with 4 children. Sex has always been a problem and my wife has left me sexless (zero) for last six years. My wife is healthy, pretty but has no physical interest in me. I’m confident she hasn’t cheated. I have asked for sex many times but she always says no and claims I’m simply not nice enough to her to make her want to have sex.

We get along ok but not great. I still love her, but doubt she loves me, although she says she does. For obvious reasons I resent her satisfaction with not having sex or any physical intimacy with me. She is very willing to never have sex with me and just raise the kids. Divorce is not being considered.

I recently was contacted by a former girlfriend (from 20 years ago) out of nowhere. She’s married with kids. We were in love for years and had incredible sex together. I literally haven’t thought about her in years and we don’t have any current friends in common. She said she thinks of me fairly often, sometimes dreams about me and just wants to know how I am.
Our talk was personal, nostalgic and we both discussed our lives. I never suggested my marriage has any problems. She said her marriage was ok. Nothing more. She said she’d like to see me with a group of old friends. No mention of spouses. She didn’t flirt with me but was very interested in catching up.

Two questions: 1. Do you think old girlfriend is trying to approach me for an affair or was it just a bit of nostalgia for her? 2. Is it wrong of me to have a sexual relationship with her in light of my wife’s complete and total refusal to have a sexual relationship with me? Is that really cheating?

Any other general thoughts welcome.
Your ex is looking for a parachute and she has selected you. Out of the blue she reaches out to you after 20 years. Her options are few. You can pursue this course but you will trade one disaster for another. Nothing more.

Cheating is cheating regardless the circumstances.

You do not want to divorce. If you take another woman into your bed your wife likely will not give you the choice.
 

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But I do wonder if my wife has abandoned her marital vows to me when she unilaterally brought an end to my sex life.
IF sex is about "marital vows" and your problem is about "your" sex llife THEN and IMO marriage is a fake and also would be sex even if frequent.
A sexless relationship is also a loveless one if not also based in mutual desire.
 
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