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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I’m a 45 year old husband married 17 years with 4 children. Sex has always been a problem and my wife has left me sexless (zero) for last six years. My wife is healthy, pretty but has no physical interest in me. I’m confident she hasn’t cheated. I have asked for sex many times but she always says no and claims I’m simply not nice enough to her to make her want to have sex.

We get along ok but not great. I still love her, but doubt she loves me, although she says she does. For obvious reasons I resent her satisfaction with not having sex or any physical intimacy with me. She is very willing to never have sex with me and just raise the kids. Divorce is not being considered.

I recently was contacted by a former girlfriend (from 20 years ago) out of nowhere. She’s married with kids. We were in love for years and had incredible sex together. I literally haven’t thought about her in years and we don’t have any current friends in common. She said she thinks of me fairly often, sometimes dreams about me and just wants to know how I am.
Our talk was personal, nostalgic and we both discussed our lives. I never suggested my marriage has any problems. She said her marriage was ok. Nothing more. She said she’d like to see me with a group of old friends. No mention of spouses. She didn’t flirt with me but was very interested in catching up.

Two questions: 1. Do you think old girlfriend is trying to approach me for an affair or was it just a bit of nostalgia for her? 2. Is it wrong of me to have a sexual relationship with her in light of my wife’s complete and total refusal to have a sexual relationship with me? Is that really cheating?

Any other general thoughts welcome.
 

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Discussion Starter · #22 ·
Answering some questions:

my wife thought marriage would be a little different. She thought she was marrying a guy just like her father- who’s a very good guy. I like him. he’s always good to me and my kids. I’m different than him.

the four kids are little and require hard work. She is a great mother and I’m a good father. She says I could do more around the house. We have argued. Never anything violent just a few unkind words.

we never had sex prior to marriage. She was a bit resistant to sex on honeymoon but she said yes twice. During our first year of marriage she refused to have sex for a six month period. Her reason was that it didn’t feel good - physical problems. She refused to do anything about it (never saw a doctor). she sort a of raised that as a reason not to have sex for a few years on occasion but on other occasions cited other reasons. For a few years we had sex about 5-10 times. She instigated it twice during our marriage when she wanted children

On the few occasions we had sex she’d jokingly make fun of me just a little the next day. She hates any type of foreplay and absolutely refuses to discuss our sex life. in 17 years she’s never been willing to discuss it at length at all .

I suggested marriage counseling but she said we should only talk to her parents about our marriage or a close friend of theirs. I don’t want that.

A good friend of mine describes me as a great father and a good husband - but not great. He describes my wife as an amazing mother but disinterested wife. She’s extremely well liked and always very kind to others. My friend Said I’m an A father, B husband. Says she’s an A+ mom, C/D wife. Everyone we know loves her.

Prior to marriage I had several long term girlfriends. Very healthy relationships with excellent sex. They just weren’t the ones. As I said my wife never had a boyfriend but no premarital intercourse. she had no real dating life. she’d fool around with guys that were interested in her but zero sex. The odd part is guys didn’t ask her on dates. Only hook ups. She has always had many friends and makes them very easily.
 

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Discussion Starter · #38 ·
This is your fault for tolerating this for so long. Sex is an expectation (actually a key foundational pillar) of marriage.

Clearly your wife is either 1. asexual (she’s not, that’s extraordinarily rare), or 2. just not sexually attracted to you.
Either way, it’s unacceptable in a marriage and she has broken your marriage vows.

why have you tolerated this for so long? It’s your responsibility to ensure that your needs are being met in your marriage. It’s your responsibility to decide what your expectations are and what you will and will not accept in your marriage. It’s your responsibility to lead your marriage.

Unfortunately, it seems pretty clear that you’ve been passive and not leading in your marriage. Women despise weak, passive men and almost always treat them poorly.
Your wife is not following your lead, does not respect you, is not attracted to you and won’t **** you. That’s not a marriage dude.

The point is, you need to take control of your disinterested wife/sexless marriage situation and either drastically improve it, or disengage from it and divorce, before worrying about the ex girlfriend.
You have a lot of work to do on yourself and possibly your marriage if you choose to.

You need to take the next six months (at least) and focus on becoming the kind of man who would not tolerate a passionless, sexless marriage and a disinterested wife.
At that point, you’ll be in a much better position to make good decisions, and hopefully have the strength and confidence to change or leave your current situation.

I’ll probably have a lot of people disagreeing with me on this last point but I would keep the ex girlfriend around, but on hold.

Engage with her casually online. Keep it friendly and don’t start an affair with her. That will only make things worse.
Your marriage situation is very bad, and having options (or developing the ability to have options) is actually extremely important for your ability to fix or leave your current situation. Just don’t do anything stupid in the meantime.
I think you make an excellent point that some of this is of my own making. I let it happen. Fundamentally she never changed. She just downshifted from rarely to never agreeing to sex.

I have wondered if she may be gay. By her upbringing, the worst thing a person can be is gay. The second worst thing is being sexual.

what about having sex with a sex worker instead of an affair with an ex? It’s very hard to think my sex life is over. Divorce is out of the question. I literally will die if I don’t have my children. They’re all I have in my life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #40 ·
Are you really asking if it's ok to nail another man's wife?
I suppose I’m wondering if that’s why she resurfaced. Obviously it’s not ok to sleep with a married woman. It’s been 17 years and I’ve never done anything like that. Total fidelity. But I do wonder if my wife has abandoned her marital vows to me when she unilaterally brought an end to my sex life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #66 ·
Has your wife told you what it is that you do that makes her not want to have sex with you? What's her viewpoint on this?

Do you have your wife spend time together doing things that you both enjoy, just the two of you? If so what sort of things do you two do and how often do you two do them?
My wife is steadfast in her refusal to discuss her reasons for not having sex. I’ve literally tried talking to her for the last 12 years about it. She has gotten up and left the room. I sent her a letter in the mail to impress upon her the importance of it. She just told me that she loved me but wasn’t willing to discuss it.

my sense is she is well aware she can’t justify her behavior towards me and therefore won’t discuss it. She just said on a few occasions in the past four years that based on my attitude I didn’t deserve sex. She refused to be specific. Will she ever have sex with me again? How could I know that?
 

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Discussion Starter · #68 ·
Has your wife told you what it is that you do that makes her not want to have sex with you? What's her viewpoint on this?

Do you have your wife spend time together doing things that you both enjoy, just the two of you? If so what sort of things do you two do and how often do you two do them?
We do very few things together. We get along pretty well but I’m not that interested in doing things with her anymore due to building resentment. We do lots of things with our children
 

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Discussion Starter · #87 ·
I just wonder why he married her then ? He has to take some responsibility for it.

I think I found his story on Reddit.

Regardless, sick situation
My story is not on Reddit. I do take responsibility. I’ve already said that in a prior post. That’s why I have lived with it. I married her because I love her. I didn’t know this would happen. All marriages are a gamble…
 

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Discussion Starter · #115 ·
The OP needs to find out why his marriage became dead. he can go have an affair, but the assholery (assuming he is an Ahole, using your words above) will continue and he may get some temporary sex but if he wants a relationship with another person after divorce, he needs to sort our his 'assholery' as other women are unlikely to want to sleep with him either. OP why does your wife say you are not good to her?

I am in the same position, I moved out of the bedroom and have not slept with H for over a year cause he was treating me like ** with his drinking and constant let downs. He has bemoaned the fact but for me enough was enough. Now I am at the point of indifference. He is a weak selfish man who doesn't have the backbone to change, so be it. I wont put up with his walking over my boundaries. Some men treat their wives like ** and think they can do that forever without consequences. I never wanted to lose my marriage, but will no longer be a martyr. Current living arrangements suit me for now. I have thought about cheating, opportunities have been there but will not. He refuses to communicate about anything, so fine with me, we live like passing ships. I am no longer emotionally bonded to him as a result of leaving the bedroom, it hurt like hell initially, all the trauma but now I am free though we still live in the same house. It took a long long time of detaching for me to get to this point and I am happier than I have ever been.
So OP, my advice is to sort yourself out first. Be a man your wife admires and wants to make love to instead of blame shifting and looking for tail elsewhere. It makes you look like a loser and a man of no character. Have you actually talked to your wife about her concerns, are her concerns valid? What steps have you taken to resolve the issues?
Very interesting thoughts. It’s hard to honestly self examine. My wife told me many years ago that at no point in her life has she been interested in sexual intercourse with any person. She never masturbated and is extremely religious. She used to hook up with random men at weddings prior to meeting me but refused sex. She never had a boyfriend before me.

I have endured numerous set backs in my life but she has never comforted me. She told me that I should see a psychotherapist if I need guidance and encourages me to take medications. I have been resentful in recent years. She really doesn’t care.

the one thing I haven’t been able to eliminate is to possibility wife is gay. To a very religious person, homosexuality is worse than being a felon. It’s the ultimate sin. She has never indicated any interest in another woman. I noticed a few women flirt with her over the years. She didn’t reciprocate. But her being gay would literally explain everything.

as for cheating, I’d be more open to the possibility if I didn’t personally experience her complete lack of interest in sex at all times since we first began dating. As odd as it seems. I’d prefer her to be cheating, because it would prove she is capable of se and intimacy.

I think the reason she married me is because she had no options and she wanted family and friends to see she could find a husband.
 
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