[MassDaddy]

I’m a 45 year old husband married 17 years with 4 children. Sex has always been a problem and my wife has left me sexless (zero) for last six years. My wife is healthy, pretty but has no physical interest in me. I’m confident she hasn’t cheated. I have asked for sex many times but she always says no and claims I’m simply not nice enough to her to make her want to have sex.

We get along ok but not great. I still love her, but doubt she loves me, although she says she does. For obvious reasons I resent her satisfaction with not having sex or any physical intimacy with me. She is very willing to never have sex with me and just raise the kids. Divorce is not being considered.

I recently was contacted by a former girlfriend (from 20 years ago) out of nowhere. She’s married with kids. We were in love for years and had incredible sex together. I literally haven’t thought about her in years and we don’t have any current friends in common. She said she thinks of me fairly often, sometimes dreams about me and just wants to know how I am.
Our talk was personal, nostalgic and we both discussed our lives. I never suggested my marriage has any problems. She said her marriage was ok. Nothing more. She said she’d like to see me with a group of old friends. No mention of spouses. She didn’t flirt with me but was very interested in catching up.

Two questions: 1. Do you think old girlfriend is trying to approach me for an affair or was it just a bit of nostalgia for her? 2. Is it wrong of me to have a sexual relationship with her in light of my wife’s complete and total refusal to have a sexual relationship with me? Is that really cheating?

Any other general thoughts welcome.

 

[Casual Observer]

I’m a 45 year old husband married 17 years with 4 children. Sex has always been a problem and my wife has left me sexless (zero) for last six years. My wife is healthy, pretty but has no physical interest in me. I’m confident she hasn’t cheated. I have asked for sex many times but she always says no and claims I’m simply not nice enough to her to make her want to have sex.

We get along ok but not great. I still love her, but doubt she loves me, although she says she does. For obvious reasons I resent her satisfaction with not having sex or any physical intimacy with me. She is very willing to never have sex with me and just raise the kids. Divorce is not being considered.

I recently was contacted by a former girlfriend (from 20 years ago) out of nowhere. She’s married with kids. We were in love for years and had incredible sex together. I literally haven’t thought about her in years and we don’t have any current friends in common. She said she thinks of me fairly often, sometimes dreams about me and just wants to know how I am.
Our talk was personal, nostalgic and we both discussed our lives. I never suggested my marriage has any problems. She said her marriage was ok. Nothing more. She said she’d like to see me with a group of old friends. No mention of spouses. She didn’t flirt with me but was very interested in catching up.

Two questions: 1. Do you think old girlfriend is trying to approach me for an affair or was it just a bit of nostalgia for her? 2. Is it wrong of me to have a sexual relationship with her in light of my wife’s complete and total refusal to have a sexual relationship with me? Is that really cheating?

Any other general thoughts welcome.

Who knows what the ex is up to. It doesn’t matter nor should you find out. You have neglected your marriage for at least six years and want to blame your wife for your discontent? Own your feelings. Discuss the situation with your wife honestly. If she doesn’t want sex because you’re “not nice” and you’re “not nice” because she isn’t interested in sex, should you be married?

If you want to create new rules, new boundaries that allow each of you to go outside of your marriage for sex, be honest about it with your wife. Don’t cheat. Have some integrity.

 

[Openminded]

Don’t.

 

[Diana7]

Forget the ex, her wanting you to meet up without spouses is a big red flag.
Your wife needs to know that you can't live in a marriage with no physical affection or sex and request that she goes to MC with you. She clearly feels you don't treat her well so that is something you need to address.

 

[Dictum Veritas]

Exes are exes for a reason, keep them out of your life.

 

[RandomDude]

I’m confident she hasn’t cheated.

Uhuh

I have asked for sex many times

🤦‍♂️ Sigh

claims I’m simply not nice enough to her to make her want to have sex.

Hahahha

We get along ok but not great. I still love her, but doubt she loves me, although she says she does. For obvious reasons I resent her satisfaction with not having sex or any physical intimacy with me. She is very willing to never have sex with me and just raise the kids. Divorce is not being considered.

I recently was contacted by a former girlfriend (from 20 years ago) out of nowhere. She’s married with kids. We were in love for years and had incredible sex together. I literally haven’t thought about her in years and we don’t have any current friends in common. She said she thinks of me fairly often, sometimes dreams about me and just wants to know how I am.
Our talk was personal, nostalgic and we both discussed our lives. I never suggested my marriage has any problems. She said her marriage was ok. Nothing more. She said she’d like to see me with a group of old friends. No mention of spouses. She didn’t flirt with me but was very interested in catching up.

Two questions: 1. Do you think old girlfriend is trying to approach me for an affair or was it just a bit of nostalgia for her? 2. Is it wrong of me to have a sexual relationship with her in light of my wife’s complete and total refusal to have a sexual relationship with me? Is that really cheating?

Any other general thoughts welcome.

If you insist in no divorce despite your marriage being dead for six years - just make it official then, as you are already live-in co parents - so open up the marriage.

 

[MattMatt]

This can't go well. Does your wife know the ex? Could this be a set up?

 

[Tested_by_stress]

I would ask your wife to accompany you to councelling and perhaps see her doctor about her lack of sex drive. Your current situation is not good.Add in an old flame and boom........an affair begins.

 

[MattMatt]

I would ask your wife to accompany you to councelling and perhaps see her doctor about her lack of sex drive. Your current situation is not good.Add in an old flame and boom........an affair begins.

Or he gets suckered in to providing his wife evidence for a divorce?

 

[D0nnivain]

My wife is healthy, pretty but has no physical interest in me. I’m confident she hasn’t cheated. I have asked for sex many times but she always says no and claims I’m simply not nice enough to her to make her want to have sex.

We get along ok but not great. I still love her,

* * *

Two questions: 1. Do you think old girlfriend is trying to approach me for an affair or was it just a bit of nostalgia for her? 2. Is it wrong of me to have a sexual relationship with her in light of my wife’s complete and total refusal to have a sexual relationship with me? Is that really cheating?

I have no idea if the EX is reaching out to you for an affair but it doesn't matter. You are unquestionably reaching toward this EX for an affair. Yes it's wrong for you to have an affair. If you want to have sex with others get a divorce, don't cheat.

But here's a better idea. You say you still love your wife. She has told you that you are not nice enough to her for her to be willing to have sex with you. Have you really thought about that? What is it that you are doing to her or not doing to her that makes her this withholding? What efforts have you made to address her needs & be nicer to her on a daily basis so that she wants to have sex with you? Perhaps put more effort into loving your wife then chasing some EX

 

[bobert]

Two questions:

1. Do you think old girlfriend is trying to approach me for an affair or was it just a bit of nostalgia for her?

2. Is it wrong of me to have a sexual relationship with her in light of my wife’s complete and total refusal to have a sexual relationship with me? Is that really cheating?

1. We can speculate until the cows come home but only she knows the reason.

2. Yes, it is wrong for anyone to have a sexual relationship with someone else while married - unless they have an open or poly relationship. So, if you want to stick your **** in someone else then you have two choices: End the marriage, or ask for an open marriage (which will likely cause the former).

You chose to stay in a sexless marriage for this long. If you want to change that then do it the right way.

 

[ccpowerslave]

Is it wrong of me to have a sexual relationship with her in light of my wife’s complete and total refusal to have a sexual relationship with me? Is that really cheating?

Yes, and yes.

Why don’t you consider a divorce? Then you at least have hope of finding a woman who wants sex with you.

 

[oldshirt]

If she has outright rejected you for 6 years straight, then who cares what you do? Does anything really matter?

What if you get caught? What's she going to do - cut you off??? Be mad at you?

She already hates you and has no feelings for you other than resentment and contempt.

Realistically will she even care? Will she even notice or is she so detached from you that she will simply be glad that you aren't around as much and aren't bugging her for sex anymore?

Would she divorce you if she finds out? Would you really care if she did?

Or would she be relieved that you are parking your boner somewhere else and she'll want you to keep paying the bills and rent?

Your marriage is already dead in the water, she already hates you and thinks you're an A-hole. What happens if you cheat and get caught - - she'll think you're more of an A-hole???

I mean what does she care? she doesn't want to touch you anyway and it's not like your going to give her herpes or anything.

And if this is what is need to push one of you over the edge to grow some balls/ovaries and finally get a divorce, then I say go for it.

 

[oldshirt]

Divorce is not being considered.

That's you're main problem right there.

 

[SunCMars]

You wife refuses to have sex with you.
She says you are not nice enough.
This is a serious allegation, is it true?

She does not want a divorce, yet (more or less) says you are a lousy husband.
You do not want a divorce, yet are receiving no intimacy, no sex with her.
I can only assume you are taking care of yourself with your hand.
I can only assume she is taking care of herself with her hand, or has an AP.

Neither of you want to divorce, yet plod miserably along.
Your wife resents you a lot. Again, why?

Why will you not divorce her?
Is it because of the children?

This other woman (obviously) is considering rekindling your former intimate relations.
You probably gave her those vibs that you are interested in her.
Yes, you did.

Cheating will be rewarding until you get caught, and you will.
Two families will be destroyed, (or further ruined).

When you wife finds out you have been cheating, she will divorce you.
And she will now have a REAL reason to resent you.

Why not get the needed divorce out of the way and then date single women and resume sexual intimacy.

And/or, your ex lover can do the same (divorce) and then all is (complicated) but more proper.

 

[oldshirt]

This can't go well. Does your wife know the ex? Could this be a set up?

Or he gets suckered in to providing his wife evidence for a divorce?

While that might make an entertaining Lifetime Network movie, that's a lot of unnecessary work and espionage. He has an american flag by his name so she doesn't need evidence if she wants a divorce, she just needs to fill out the paperwork and pay the fees.

If she's willing to go through that kind of trouble to scheme and scam in order to prove he's the A-hole, then he either falls for the bait, she divorces him and he is a free man that go out and screw whatever he wants and do whatever he wants.

Or he's the good little boy and passes her test so he gets to stay in a dead marriage and continue to be rejected for another 6 years by someone that can't stand him.

 

[oldshirt]

I I have asked for sex many times but she always says no and claims I’m simply not nice enough to her to make her want to have sex.

OK, let's all break this down and talk about this a little more in depth.

Her saying he's nice enough to have sex with him is one of two things -

One is that he is the A-hole and is a drunkard and abusive and neglectful and nasty.

The other is that he is spineless simp that spends his days chasing his tail trying to appease her and make her happy and like Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown every time she has him convinced she'll play nice, he can never seem to appease her enough and she just wants more.

So let's look at what information we have starting with the fact that they haven't had sex in 6 years and she has her heels dug in that she will NOT be entertaining that idea. Would an A-hole go 6 years without sex???

He says he has "asked" for sex many times but she says no. Do A-holes "ask" for sex?

They have been married for 17 years and the sex has never been good. Do A-holes stick around for 17 years with bad sex?

The way he has clung on to hope that this ex wants to bang him, leads me to believe he has not cheated before or has only done so very rarely in the distant past if at all. Would an A-hole have gone 11 years of bad sex and 6 years of no sex without getting some tail elsewhere?

He is questioning whether the ex has an agenda and is questioning whether this would even be cheating or not. Would an A-hole question the morality and would an A-hole even question her motives or not??

And would an A-hole even take the time and effort to write to a marriage and relationship forum about the intentions of an ex contacting him and the ethics of getting with her, or would an A-hole have had her legs over his shoulders within days of her contacting him if that was her intent??????

So when she says he needs to be "nicer", what does she really mean? Does she mean he needs to stop coming home from the bar and pushing her around and quit picking up bar flies for BJs in the parking lot and at least picking up a jug of milk on his way home where there is no food in the house?

Or does it mean he's not picking the blades of grass out of the cracks in the sidewalk the way she wants him to and he doesn't tuck his shoelaces in his shoes the closet the way she showed him time and time again??

 

[ElOtro]

Don’t.

Don’t.

 

[TJW]

Or does it mean he's not picking the blades of grass out of the cracks in the sidewalk the way she wants him to and he doesn't tuck his shoelaces in his shoes the closet the way she showed him time and time again??

It means neither. It is "blame-shifting"....

Sex has always been a problem

Yep. Always has been, always will be. This thing about you "are not nice enough" is complete unadulterated (or, quite possibly, adulterated) horse$hit. The TRUTH is, your wife HAS NEVER been attracted to you sexually. This may have to do with another man to whom she WAS attracted but who didn't meet the "checklist" of being a candidate for marriage, family, responsibility, debts, and bills, and who would enable her to:

She is very willing to never have sex with me and just raise the kids.

Of, course, she is "willing", because that was her complete goal in marrying you.

Is it wrong of me to have a sexual relationship with her in light of my wife’s complete and total refusal to have a sexual relationship with me? Is that really cheating?

Yes, it is wrong, and yes, it is cheating. You promised your wife that you would UNCONDITIONALLY keep yourself "only unto her". Stay there.

Actually, what your wife has done to you is every bit as wrong, every bit as adulterous, every bit as reprehensible, as it would be for you to cheat. She has LIED to you. But, see, it wouldn't have worked very well for her to have come before the JP, Priest, etc., and said "....MassDaddy, I want to have a house and kids. Could you please provide me the money and physical protection, support, maintenance, and be a baby daddy for me ?? I will give you sex enough times to get pregnant......but since I don't want sex with you, I won't continue after MY desires of life are satisfied. From then on, I will leverage the LEGAL SYSTEM to keep you providing.....".

In my mind, her actions qualify you for a divorce, and should qualify you for a 100% FINANCIAL WALK away from her. But, that's only MY mind. In many US states,what your wife has done constitutes abandonment. The finances and kids, however, will be subject to the court's opinion.

I still love her, but doubt she loves me, although she says she does.

For these things I suggest, you begin TODAY, to:
1) you can love her if you want. I have nothing to say about that. However, I hope you stop, because you will be happier when you do.
2) you should completely REJECT ANY DOUBT and ESPOUSE TOTALLY that your wife DOES NOT "love" you;
3) you should completely ignore what your wife says, and trust completely in HER ACTIONS. Your wife is a con artist who is blaming you for something which is ENTIRELY HER FAULT.

 

[*Deidre*]

Don’t let yourself get caught up in this, OP. Your situation with your wife is sad but, that’s not a green light to cheat.

I would not reply anymore to your ex and block her if you must. Cheating will ruin your life, and it will only serve to distance you even more from your wife.

The ex may be just looking to simply stroll down memory lane with you but the more time you invest in talking to her, the less you’ll be invested in your marriage. Hope you choose wisely.