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Can you break a pattern that your spouse keeps doing? If I try to talk to mine about something bothering me he gets defensive and gets mad and ends up saying hurtful things to me. Then the next day even tho he didn't apologize but he'll show affection to me that's out of character, like more than usual. And I'll end up reciprocating it, it'll be good for awhile then it happens again. We've had serious talks about this 2 months ago and he said he would try harder. It was the best talk we've ever had and laid all our concerns to each other. So I thought that this time it was gonna stick. But he acted awful last night toward me, long story.. today hes showering me with affection again but in my mind I'm struggling. He told me 3 times today he loves me, I never said it back, I'm still hurt. I've decided I'm going to focus on myself now, and I'm done chasing him, it's time he chases me. That's how I feel, not sure if it's right tho.
 

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Can you break a pattern that your spouse keeps doing? If I try to talk to mine about something bothering me he gets defensive and gets mad and ends up saying hurtful things to me. Then the next day even tho he didn't apologize but he'll show affection to me that's out of character, like more than usual. And I'll end up reciprocating it, it'll be good for awhile then it happens again. We've had serious talks about this 2 months ago and he said he would try harder. It was the best talk we've ever had and laid all our concerns to each other. So I thought that this time it was gonna stick. But he acted awful last night toward me, long story.. today hes showering me with affection again but in my mind I'm struggling. He told me 3 times today he loves me, I never said it back, I'm still hurt. I've decided I'm going to focus on myself now, and I'm done chasing him, it's time he chases me. That's how I feel, not sure if it's right tho.
When he goes off on you, about how long does the verbal bashing last? Is it just a few words, or does he go on for a long time?
 

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When he goes off on you, about how long does the verbal bashing last? Is it just a few words, or does he go on for a long time?
Sometimes he doesn't shut up, and times he says a few things and that's it, it depends if I say anything back. If I try to explain my feelings more he only gets worse.
 

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You cannot change him; you can change you, your reactions. Taking care of yourself is good. If he really wants to change the rewards have to be high enough.

I think y'all need professional counseling, that is, a third party to facilitate a better relationship. If nothing changes, resentment will build. He gets worse to shut you up and it works.
 

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1, Can you break a pattern that your spouse keeps doing?


2, If I try to talk to mine about something bothering me he gets defensive and gets mad and ends up saying hurtful things to me.


3, We've had serious talks about this 2 months ago and he said he would try harder. It was the best talk we've ever had and laid all our concerns to each other.


4, So I thought that this time it was gonna stick. But he acted awful last night toward me, long story.. today hes showering me with affection again but in my mind I'm struggling.



5, He told me 3 times today he loves me, I never said it back, I'm still hurt.


5, I've decided I'm going to focus on myself now, and I'm done chasing him, it's time he chases me. That's how I feel, not sure if it's right tho.
1, No way in the world you can do this, it has to be him that wants to. He doesn't!

2, Why he really does not like you that much, he's selfish and self centered.

3, All that is nothing more than smoke and mirrors, it's his deceptive self perseveration angle.

4, He's psychotic, or just likes to abuse you!

5, The only real way to focus on yourself is to hold him accountable and place new boundaries, but once you do you have to be willing to leave this horrific relationship you call a marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
You cannot change him; you can change you, your reactions. Taking care of yourself is good. If he really wants to change the rewards have to be high enough.

I think y'all need professional counseling, that is, a third party to facilitate a better relationship. If nothing changes, resentment will build. He gets worse to shut you up and it works.
Few months ago I took a good look at myself and it wasn't pretty what I saw. I had to change how I acted toward him. So I started giving him more attention, sitting beside of him, just touching his arm, hand.. talking to him more, laughing with him, joking with him etc. He did start doing the same toward me. I changed my hair, started wearing makeup again (I had skin issues that I finally got cleared up) and I started feeling better about myself. But now I notice if I don't constantly initiate these things he doesn't. So when you say the rewards have to be high, I've been doing all I can to show him I've changed for myself and to better our marriage. My family says I've always been too sensitive.
 

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Sometimes he doesn't shut up, and times he says a few things and that's it, it depends if I say anything back. If I try to explain my feelings more he only gets worse.
The only person you can change is yourself. So that's where you need put your efforts.

I've been through this with a husband who was angry about everything. What I realized is that trying to explain my actions and/or feelings only made his reaction worse. He did not care about my feelings or why I did something. What I started to do was to just walk away when he would start going off on me. As soon as I could tell that he was going to go into an angry verbal attack, I would just tell him to "STOP" and I'd walk away. When things were calm between us, I told him that I was no longer going to engage in this angry outbursts because angry things were said that can never be taken back. I told him that I would tell him to "STOP" and then I would leave... go to another room, go out for a walk, etc to defuse the situation. We could talk later once we had both thought about how to talk nicely. I also told him that it was his responsibility to clam himself down.

After walking away from his angry outbursts a couple of times he started doing something very good. I would grab his bike helmet and go for about an hour bike ride. When he returned, he was in a much better place and could actually talk. Shoot, most of the time, whatever issue he had was no longer an issue.

Some people use yelling at their spouse to release their own frustrations. It's a bad thing to do. You are not his punching bag. (Shoot, get him a punching bag to hang in the garage. Let him go beat that up and leave you out of his emotional garbage dump.)

You have complete control over whether or not you stick around for him to spew his anger at.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
The only person you can change is yourself. So that's where you need put your efforts.

I've been through this with a husband who was angry about everything. What I realized is that trying to explain my actions and/or feelings only made his reaction worse. He did not care about my feelings or why I did something. What I started to do was to just walk away when he would start going off on me. As soon as I could tell that he was going to go into an angry verbal attack, I would just tell him to "STOP" and I'd walk away. When things were calm between us, I told him that I was no longer going to engage in this angry outbursts because angry things were said that can never be taken back. I told him that I would tell him to "STOP" and then I would leave... go to another room, go out for a walk, etc to defuse the situation. We could talk later once we had both thought about how to talk nicely. I also told him that it was his responsibility to clam himself down.

After walking away from his angry outbursts a couple of times he started doing something very good. I would grab his bike helmet and go for about an hour bike ride. When he returned, he was in a much better place and could actually talk. Shoot, most of the time, whatever issue he had was no longer an issue.

Some people use yelling at their spouse to release their own frustrations. It's a bad thing to do. You are not his punching bag. (Shoot, get him a punching bag to hang in the garage. Let him go beat that up and leave you out of his emotional garbage dump.)

You have complete control over whether or not you stick around for him to spew his anger at.
About 3 years ago he went off on me and he wouldn't shut up so I jumped in the car and took a drive to the lake. Walking out to the car he told me something about me leaving make I sure I know what I want if I come back. I was gone for a long time. He never texted me or called me to check on me. When I got back he was watching tv and never said a word to me.
 

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About 3 years ago he went off on me and he wouldn't shut up so I jumped in the car and took a drive to the lake. Walking out to the car he told me something about me leaving make I sure I know what I want if I come back. I was gone for a long time. He never texted me or called me to check on me. When I got back he was watching tv and never said a word to me.
What he does with his angry outbursts are a form of emotional abuse. Look up the term "cycle of abuse". I think you will recognize it.
 

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As a former angry person i can tell you this.
He needs counselling and anger management.
Stop trying to explain.
Tell him STOP and walk away.
Do NOT engage him.
You had better decide where your lines in the sand are, and draw them. He crosses them, he leaves the house. Not you.
Let him cool his jets in a motel for the night.
Trust me, this is abuse.
The best thing to do to a bully is stand up to them. Lock your feelings down and go cold. Protect yourself.
Make it clear that you will not put up with this anymore. And please mean it.
 

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Few months ago I took a good look at myself and it wasn't pretty what I saw. I had to change how I acted toward him. So I started giving him more attention, sitting beside of him, just touching his arm, hand.. talking to him more, laughing with him, joking with him etc. He did start doing the same toward me. I changed my hair, started wearing makeup again (I had skin issues that I finally got cleared up) and I started feeling better about myself. But now I notice if I don't constantly initiate these things he doesn't. So when you say the rewards have to be high, I've been doing all I can to show him I've changed for myself and to better our marriage. My family says I've always been too sensitive.


So you decided to pander to the person who treats you like crap... how’s that working for ya? You reward him for being an ass. He doesn’t initiate these things because he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t give a damn how you feel and doesn’t care about making you happy. He is an abusive narcissist and there isn’t a damn thing you can do to change him. Ever. You can change how you react to the things he does, but do you really want to live your life that way? Do you really want to live your life with someone who acts like this? Someone who expects you to constantly jump through hoops just to keep them happy while doing absolutely nothing in return?

Take it from someone who has been there... get out.




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About 3 years ago he went off on me and he wouldn't shut up so I jumped in the car and took a drive to the lake. Walking out to the car he told me something about me leaving make I sure I know what I want if I come back. I was gone for a long time. He never texted me or called me to check on me. When I got back he was watching tv and never said a word to me.
And let me reinforce what @3Xnocharm has said: He doesn't give a crap about your feelings. Sorry. I'm all for you changing your responses. But as you can see from the ^^above^^ experience, he's only going to "forgive and forget" on his terms. His way or the highway. Stay and be miserable or leave and have a chance at a life without this type of abuse. Seriously.
 
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