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I'm leaning towards cutting him some slack since he was involved with racing when you met. It was something he was into when you met and you knew about the time commitment. He could have been racing this whole time rather than taking that break. However, you have your own needs and the life you wanted when you were 35 isn't necessarily the same you want when you're 50.

I think it's fair to ask him to cut back some days from racing, but I wouldn't ask him to give it up completely. Is it 4 or 5 days a week he's doing it? I could see maybe more like 2 days or occasionally 3. And also if there's an event (like the wedding) which would be typical for you to go as a couple, then he should go with you. You are his wife and you should be his priority. He can still have other interests, but you should feel like you are his #1 interest.
 

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On one level, I could understand that at 50, and he is probably older by a little, the it might be ok to say:

"I love you, I want you to be happy, but at 50, I would like for you to cut back to the bare minimum. I want to have more time with you, and not just at the race track."

Now, he could say no, and there are a lot of other possibilities with divorce being one of them. But to me, I think asking him to cut back, is not so much.

On the other hand, when I was younger, I had an ExW, wife at the time, ask me to stop playing music...

Now of course she is one of my ExW's...
 

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I think this is a situation where compromise would work well. Obviously he loves racing, and it is a good reconnect with his son. However, a balanced approach doesn't involve 4-5 nights and ducking out of family events. I like the idea of a couple of nights a week, maybe 3. Could you use the 4th "night" as a holding spot for a regular date night? That would help the two of you reconnect.

Also, you could find a hobby or activity to do on the nights he is helping his son. For example, my hubby participates in a activity that happens to fall on the same night as most of the open mic nights in our area. He does his club thing (not a nightclub, a hobby club), and I take a friend to whatever open mic. If there's no open mic, sometimes I go with him if he is fishing by himself. Or if there's no fishing, he comes to open mic.

It goes without saying that in a healthy marriage the spouse should come first.

The end

Saying "It's always been this way" does not preclude changing for the better.
 

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On the other hand, when I was younger, I had an ExW, wife at the time, ask me to stop playing music...

Now of course she is one of my ExW's...
That's a BIG NO!
 

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are you really expecting to get an honest answer or portrayal of what really happened? yeah of course she is going to she is going to say she "told him she needed more quality time" or whatever with her husband. and even if she did, what does that mean? Give up racing? or just a few more family gatherings that have nothing to do with racing?

my point is, that we as human beings are so bad a really communicating we cant even hold a conversation anymore. its all viewed from a perspective of "I'm right, you are WRONG" lens.....just like politics where if you are for one thing then the other side is automatically AGAINST it, no matter what. even this place its like there is a war or contest of words when we don't even have all the facts.
Dang, that sounds so cynical. You don't have all the facts either yet you've already written her off as a liar with "are you really expecting to get an honest answer...". All we know is she is a person on an anonymous forum asking for advice. How do we know we get an honest answer or portrayal from anyone on here? If the assumption is everyone is a liar and only capable of considering their own side of the story, then what is the point in answering anyone's questions?

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. Afterall, it's not like if we all say "You are right, he is wrong!" that she gets to declare herself the victor and tell him no more racing. She already said she would never ask him to choose between her and racing. Sounds to me like she is doubting herself and just looking for some insight from those who can be more objective.
 

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It goes without saying that in a healthy marriage the spouse should come first.
And yet, it seems it needs to be said. Again and again for some!

Saying "It's always been this way" does not preclude changing for the better.
Exactly. People change and evolve as they age. If one partner loses his or her enthusiasm for a shared hobby/passion, a smart couple would look for something they BOTH enjoy to replace or at least supplement it. You don't just say "well, 30 years ago you liked it, so screw you."
 

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This is a tough call Kate. I have a neighbor that is dirt track racer and it is a serious commitment as you stated, incredibly time consuming. He is very financially sound so he can fund this thing that he loves doing. Its really a way of life for him and his family. I like that your husband is connecting with his kid and sharing a common love, but at the same time I get your needs and frustration. Have you expressed your concerns to him as you have here? I think you have stated it well to a bunch of internet strangers so maybe you can articulate it to him. It sounds to me that he is not looking to go back racing himself but trying to help jr. get his cars right so he can be competitive and he needs dads help.
 
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