Am I worried about nothing?

jjwestern said:

Does the fact that I had to snoop and spy to get any of this information offset anything that she's lied about.

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No. She lied and you found out. If you snooped because you had suspicions it is a valid reason. In marriage there is no secrecy or lies. If you were just paranoid for no reason whatsoever and have a history of bugging your girlfriends' cars, homes, computers, etc then it is a problem you need to address within yourself.

OK, I can relate to some of what you wrote about your wife's past. Before we got married we had the talks about our pasts. Now 30 years later I find out hers was substantially different than she represented to me.

The things I have found out about include some details and some generalities. I don't know which of her male friends she did, so I wonder about some of the guys we hung out with and like you what were they thinking. And yes it bothers me some of the stuff I have found out she did. Part of what bothers me is that she refuses to do those things with me, and they are normal things like sex in a car, and others are a little more unrestrained but not even to the level of anal (which I personally have no interest in).

The bottom line is that you are finding out that she is not who you thought she was. She did stuff which might not have been a big problem had you known about it. But you find out now about these things and it shakes the basis of your perception and beliefs about her. So those things bother you more than they might have otherwise, because they emphasize the falsity of what you have believed.

The other part is very important too, and that is the lies. The dishonesty makes it all worse.

Yes I think you should be worried about her dishonesty. There is a pattern here of substantial lies about substantial things. She worries more about protecting herself than respecting you.

As to the guy committing suicide, I hope you both know that he didn't do it because of her or the pictures. He was mentally ill and did a crazy thing. You and your wife have no blame in the matter at all.

It's reasonable for a woman to lie about her past ****tyness to her prospective husband. My view is you do no good whatsoever dragging this information out of her. She is the mother of your children. You chose her. If all of this stuff was so important to you you had every opportunity in the 6 years prior to chidrren to find out everything you needed to know. You didn't do it. You now have kids, who need a family, the past is long over so you should live in the present. You must conquer your insecurity.

Cheating is a very different thing. In your marriage there are two unaddressed issues. 1. What were you not giving her that caused her to cheat. 2. She clearly must have unresolved guilt over both cheating on you and being responsible for someone's death.

My suggestion is counseling to resolve the unaddressed issues.

Hicks said:

It's reasonable for a woman to lie about her past ****tyness to her prospective husband. My view is you do no good whatsoever dragging this information out of her.

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Hicks, I really disagree with your philosophy. I think a woman should voluntarily divulge really important stuff like teen pregnancy, miscarriage, and abortion. It can have a substantial affect on her medical situation and ability to have children in the future. And, it does reflect her accurate history. A man should ask what he wants answers to, and she should honestly answer them. Or she should say she refuses to answer them. She should not lie. Some things he may never think to ask, yet it is important information about who she is and which may affect the marriage.

The prosepective husband has every right to be fully informed. And vice versa, the prosepective wife has every right to be fully informed about her future husband's history.

They can each choose to not ask about things which are not important to them.

Hicks said:

Cheating is a very different thing. In your marriage there are two unaddressed issues. 1. What were you not giving her that caused her to cheat. 2. She clearly must have unresolved guilt over both cheating on you and being responsible for someone's death.

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She alone is responsible for her cheating. Whatever mistakes jjwestern made in the marriage, he in no way "caused her to cheat".

I agree she may have unresolved feelings of guilt. Guilt for cheating is deserved, and they can work to resolve those. Guilt for the guy's death is misplaced and needs to be exorcised. Therapy is the best bet for all of this mess.

Hicks said:

It's reasonable for a woman to lie about her past ****tyness to her prospective husband. My view is you do no good whatsoever dragging this information out of her. She is the mother of your children. You chose her. If all of this stuff was so important to you you had every opportunity in the 6 years prior to chidrren to find out everything you needed to know. You didn't do it. You now have kids, who need a family, the past is long over so you should live in the present. You must conquer your insecurity..

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Maybe its common for a woman to lie about her past, but I don't think it is reasonable. When we go through the decision process as to whether to pursue a relationship, we decide based on what we know about her. At the time, if the OP knew that she had slept with these common friends, but chose to make him believe that she didn't ... well, she'll obviously lie if its convenient. That's a fact that might raise a few red flags. Who cares about the past, I know, but this happened while he was with her. Lettermen might even put it in his top ten list as great ways to humiliate a guy.

In one respect, the OP has conveyed what he fears to be a critical flaw in their relationship. I think he fears that the harsh reality is that trust is probably not something that he should bank on, at a minimum, going forward. He's afraid that he is going to hear exactly what he needs to hear from her to keep things running smoothly. Trust will be something that she doles out on her own terms.

Personally, I think its okay to choose to toss aside the politically correct assumptions that make us feel mature, sophisticated, and accepting. Or at least but them in the proper cubbyhole, and deal with the underlying issue that the OP is needing to explore. There is nothing refined, or sophisticated about trust. Its gained in stark, black and white terms. You have it or you don't, unless you are a paranoid individual. Lay it on the table, but tell her that you want to be able to leave the past in the past. It doesn't have to matter going forward, but trust does matter. Does she consider it appropriate to avoid telling him things that might make him feel ashamed if he knew, while they were together as a couple? Did she assume that the unrevealed medical procedures would have no impact on their ability to have children in the future? Can he trust her not to pursue future emotional and possibly sexual relationships when she uses social media?

And, contrary to popular opinion, cheating doesn't imply a fixed connection to a husband or wife not meeting the needs of a cheater. Its an optional pattern that is sometimes involved. Some people just enjoy the pursuit of new lust. Others just find it easier than working to fix the problems. Marriage is about mutual responsiblity, and not a person's responsibility to keep another from cheating.