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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Having a bad week. I've asked my H to give me details about his EA and he won't. He said, "how will that help you heal"? I explained it would help put my imagination to rest and it would show me he's willing to be honest for once. He claims he wasn't honest because even if he was, I won't ever let this go. I don't know what he's basing this off since he hasn't been forthcoming with info or been honest about anything until I found the proof and confronted him just before Christmas. But even then, he only was truthful about what I had in front of him, he never gave me any more detail than that. I do want our marriage to work and believe me, I don't want this crap in my head anymore. But I don't know how to stop it.

Plus I keep comparing things he does and says to me with things he did and said to her. When I ask him about it, he gets mad. Like how he told her he loved her and missed her all the time but since he's been back home (came back in September), he still hasn't told me he loves me. He was telling her this only after knowing her for a short amount of time. He even married her in this game they played after being with her for 2 months. But in 4 months I don't here him say I love you?? And when he's mad he tells me it's going to take time for him to reconnect with me and fall back in love with me and he can't do that with me questioning him all the time.

And this may be to much information, I really don't want to put it out there but I need to know if it's me just being sensitive. He had phone sex with her every night. She told me this and when I asked him he said yes almost every night. But since he's been back, we are lucky to have sex 2-3 times a week. And there are times when he doesn't finish. It upsets me that I don't pleasure him enough to finish. He tells me it's because he's tired. He wasn't working during the time he was cheating but he works 10hr days now so his libido is low. Really?? I can see if we had sex daily that he doesn't finish but we don't. And she was able to get him off daily, but I can't. So am I just too sensitive??

Sorry if that was TMI. I don't know how else to talk about this.
 

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woogy
Sorry to say "out loud" what you secretly know.
He's not in love with you. There's a reason he came back - but it wasn't because he was remorseful and in love with you.

He is showing no remorse or respect. You need to come to terms with this. As long as he has you "on the defensive" he's in the driver's seat.

Gather your courage and face the facts. You deserve much better than what you have. And, he doesn't deserve you at all.
 

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He claims he wasn't honest because even if he was, I won't ever let this go.
It's not his call. He cheated, he owes you the answers to any questions you ask, no matter how many questions you ask, or how often you repeat them. When I say he "owes" you, what I really mean is that in order for things to work out favorably, he's gotta be accountable for his cheating ways and accept that he must make things right in your eyes, and do whatever it takes.

It's obvious he can't be bothered and that you aren't strong enough to give him that kick to the curb he needs to realize your serious and secure enough to hold your ground. He basically got away with cheating and because his attitude still sucks and he has little to no respect for your feelings the odds are it's going to happen again.

But even then, he only was truthful about what I had in front of him, he never gave me any more detail than that.
He was never completely truthful, and he probably never will be. Because he feels he doesn't have to be. Because he isn't really remorseful, he doesn't respect your feelings and he doesn't believe there will be any consequences for him continuing to treat you poorly.

But I don't know how to stop it.
Hold him accountable for his actions. Tell him that if he doesn't provide the information you require then you're going to divorce him. But don't say it unless you mean it. If you don't mean it then there is literally no hope for you with this man.

But in 4 months I don't here him say I love you?? And when he's mad he tells me it's going to take time for him to reconnect with me and fall back in love with me and he can't do that with me questioning him all the time.
When he's "mad" he says it's going to take time for HIM to fall back in love with YOU? He doesn't deserve to GET MAD. The balance of power is completely screwed up in this relationship. You're metaphorically wiping his A$$ every single day. He cheated and yet there you are ready willing and able to take him back 'whenever he regains his connection with you'. This is completely messed up. You're a doormat, and in his eyes not someone worthy of his love and respect, whether he verbalizes that or not. He's saying it in dozens of other ways.

But since he's been back, we are lucky to have sex 2-3 times a week.
Not sure what you're complaining about there.

And there are times when he doesn't finish.
He's just not all that into you. He wants to be with someone else. Is this really such a big surprise?
 

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I swear, there must be a cheater blame shifitng bible that is secretly sent to WSs when they are caught. If I had a dollar for every self serving "I did this for you because blah blah blah" comment I'd have all of the money in the world.

Fall back in love? When I discovered the EA I still loved my wife. Now, semantically speaking, I wasn't "in love," but I did love her. Fall back in love?
I'm sorry, but he just admitted he doesn't love you.
 

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Having a bad week. I've asked my H to give me details about his EA and he won't. He said, "how will that help you heal"? I explained it would help put my imagination to rest and it would show me he's willing to be honest for once.
You need to develop some self respect.

He cheated. He doesn't get to dictate what you can know or not know about the affair. It is part of your marriage, which BOTH of you have a stake in. If you need to know, he should tell you.

If you accept him cheating on you and then not coming clean about it after you ask for details, then I would say you lack self respect.

One other thing: How do you know the affair is over?

Show him this:

To Whomever,
I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly.

No one wants to be forced to 'look' at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn’t mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn’t he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I’m going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge.

You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you’re carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the 'STUFF' to figure out OUR reality. There isn’t really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don’t have.

Now let’s enter my reality. Let’s both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down.

To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever 'feel' complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are.

When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what’s the difference, it’s not important.

Then later when I’m expected to understand the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it.

You wonder why I can’t just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don’t you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart.

I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together.

It doesn’t come from jealousy, it doesn’t come from spitefulness, and it doesn’t come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn’t it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn’t it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can’t and the reason I can’t is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.
 

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You've probably heard this before, but once they cheat then its over. Rarely, if the cheater really shows remorse, divulges everything, gives you complete access to his phone etc, then things may work out? He isn't showing any remorse & I would no way be having that much sex with him, he is probably still with her as well. My 1st wife cheated, showed no remorse & thankfully divorced me because I would never have trusted her again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Well he said that he does love me but when he gets angry he says stuff he doesn't mean. He actually said i love you to me thisthis morning. I'm wondering of he said it because i told him he hasn't since he came back plus i told him i can't live like this anymore and he needs to move out. I explained if he can't be open and honest, then i will start the divorce proceeding. I will take it day by day and see if he comes clean. If not, I'm done.
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Well he said that he does love me but when he gets angry he says stuff he doesn't mean. He actually said i love you to me thisthis morning. I'm wondering of he said it because i told him he hasn't since he came back plus i told him i can't live like this anymore and he needs to move out. I explained if he can't be open and honest, then i will start the divorce proceeding. I will take it day by day and see if he comes clean. If not, I'm done.
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Woog,
This is manipulation at it's finest.
You threatened, he semi-believed you so he did what he HAD to to appease you. Wait a few days and all will be back to it's frigid *normal*. This game will continue until you do more than talk.

Go see a lawyer and get the ball rolling. Have him served. When he asks "WTF?" tell him you've had enough. You're not a parole officer or a school principal. He needs to own his stuff and be "in" or "out" since he wants to be "out" but still live in your house - you're making the decisions that are in your own best interest.

Let him leave - if that doesn't turn him around - and not just in words - then he was never going to turn around.
 

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It seems like he's just not bothered. When he doesn't want to reveal anything it means that's he's putting the OW first.

Give him an ultimatum. To reveal EVERYTHING or you will divorce him.

Make sure to let everyone know (family etc) about his infidelity.
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Also, I'm beginning to come to my own conclusion that cybersex constitutes a PA in many instances. Since your H was doing this every night with his AP, I think he cheated on you on every level.

I also think the firmer you are in maintaining your self-respect, telling him that you won't accept his lukewarm R, and letting him know that you will divorce him, the better off you will be. (I would file right now if I were in your shoes.)
 

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When he says "how will that help you?"

Tell him, because it will show you that he respects you enough to be open and honest with you.

Tell him, because it refects him not having secrets from you that he shares with her. And him opening up shows him choosing you over his loyalty to her.
 

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Having a bad week. I've asked my H to give me details about his EA and he won't. He said, "how will that help you heal"? I explained it would help put my imagination to rest and it would show me he's willing to be honest for once. He claims he wasn't honest because even if he was, I won't ever let this go. I don't know what he's basing this off since he hasn't been forthcoming with info or been honest about anything until I found the proof and confronted him just before Christmas. But even then, he only was truthful about what I had in front of him, he never gave me any more detail than that. I do want our marriage to work and believe me, I don't want this crap in my head anymore. But I don't know how to stop it.

Plus I keep comparing things he does and says to me with things he did and said to her. When I ask him about it, he gets mad. Like how he told her he loved her and missed her all the time but since he's been back home (came back in September), he still hasn't told me he loves me. He was telling her this only after knowing her for a short amount of time. He even married her in this game they played after being with her for 2 months. But in 4 months I don't here him say I love you?? And when he's mad he tells me it's going to take time for him to reconnect with me and fall back in love with me and he can't do that with me questioning him all the time.

And this may be to much information, I really don't want to put it out there but I need to know if it's me just being sensitive. He had phone sex with her every night. She told me this and when I asked him he said yes almost every night. But since he's been back, we are lucky to have sex 2-3 times a week. And there are times when he doesn't finish. It upsets me that I don't pleasure him enough to finish. He tells me it's because he's tired. He wasn't working during the time he was cheating but he works 10hr days now so his libido is low. Really?? I can see if we had sex daily that he doesn't finish but we don't. And she was able to get him off daily, but I can't. So am I just too sensitive??

Sorry if that was TMI. I don't know how else to talk about this.

It sounds like he is also getting off somewhere else. Maybe hes doing you just to mske it look good. No way he is only having sex two or three times a week and cant get off.
 

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Well he said that he does love me but when he gets angry he says stuff he doesn't mean. He actually said i love you to me thisthis morning. I'm wondering of he said it because i told him he hasn't since he came back plus i told him i can't live like this anymore and he needs to move out. I explained if he can't be open and honest, then i will start the divorce proceeding. I will take it day by day and see if he comes clean. If not, I'm done.
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What does it matter what he SAYS?

First rule of cheaters is that they lie. You can't believe what they say, unless you can verify it independently or it is supported by their actions. LOOK AT HIS ACTIONS, ignore his words.

What does it mean when you say "I will take it day by day and see if he comes clean"? How many days? Five years from now, will you still be taking it day by day and seeing if he comes clean?

Please respect yourself enough not to tolerate someone treating you this way.
 
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