[Chopsy]

My story in brief: my H left or a work trip and hasn't come back. It's been five weeks. He won't talk to me but will text re finances. He's in touch with his sister and she thinks he's having a breakdown. He had worked almost every day for the past few years. Money is tight, he's self employed and it's been very hard.

Anyway we've not been having a lot of sex the past year, and I've blamed myself for that. I guess I've turned into LD, and i do get very tired in the evenings. Im so quick to take the blame, since he left I've fallen back into blaming myself for everythng.

Something I read on here today made me rethink that.he is a good listener and supportive of me but he doesn't share feelings very much and admitted his childhood affected him where he can't talk about things like that. He does share some things but alot goes unsaid. I can tell when he's unhappy or thinking about something but he wont tell me. It's like I've just realised maybe it's not all my fault.

Since he left I've been working on myself, I'm back in IC, I'm trying to get out more and meet new people. (I was too reliant on my H) I have given long thought to what part I played in this. I do think I have a tendency to see everything I did wrong and perhaps not the whole picture.

We've always been close and had fun together, and always loved each other. Been married 12 years, very loving and kind o each other but the passion has faded somewhat.

As he won't talk to me, I've sent se few emails outlining what I think went wrong. Last email was a bit pleading. I know, I've to stop doing that.

Any suggestions, thoughts, advice?

 

[Acorn]

I would say stop worrying about blame and fault. It's only going to bring you down, and I doubt it is your fault anyway. You sound like you have done a lot of introspection and have some insight how things could have been improved. So, live your life and send your emails with that outlook!

If he's having a breakdown or crisis of some kind, he may need change in his life. If you are, when you interact, talking about how you see the future being different (as opposed to what happened in the past), he'd more likely see you as part of his solution of change instead of part of the problem.

 

[A Bit Much]

Do you know where exactly he is? Can you go to him?

A face to face meeting may have to happen.

 

[Chopsy]

Acorn, thanks very much. I just needed a bit of perspective. And you're right, I need to look forward it back.

 

[Chopsy]

Do you know where exactly he is? Can you go to him?

A face to face meeting may have to happen.

I don't exactly know we're be is but could probably track him down. I know a face to face is necessary and H said we would have that talk but he doesn't appear ready to do do. My in tuition is to let him be for now. I think he would be upset if I did a detective job on him and showed up.

I thought I knew exactly e erupting about our marriage but now thnk I need to step back from analysis and over thinking about it. Easier said an one however,

 

[A Bit Much]

Well you're in a full blown seperation, and from what I can see it wasn't mutually agreed upon and that's a shame.

It's good you're doing some introspection in his absence, but he's got to face you at some point. He's essentially run away.

 

[DayDream]

My story in brief: my H left or a work trip and hasn't come back. It's been five weeks. He won't talk to me but will text re finances. He's in touch with his sister and she thinks he's having a breakdown. He had worked almost every day for the past few years. Money is tight, he's self employed and it's been very hard.

Anyway we've not been having a lot of sex the past year, and I've blamed myself for that. I guess I've turned into LD, and i do get very tired in the evenings. Im so quick to take the blame, since he left I've fallen back into blaming myself for everythng.

Something I read on here today made me rethink that.he is a good listener and supportive of me but he doesn't share feelings very much and admitted his childhood affected him where he can't talk about things like that. He does share some things but alot goes unsaid. I can tell when he's unhappy or thinking about something but he wont tell me. It's like I've just realised maybe it's not all my fault.

Since he left I've been working on myself, I'm back in IC, I'm trying to get out more and meet new people. (I was too reliant on my H) I have given long thought to what part I played in this. I do think I have a tendency to see everything I did wrong and perhaps not the whole picture.

We've always been close and had fun together, and always loved each other. Been married 12 years, very loving and kind o each other but the passion has faded somewhat.

As he won't talk to me, I've sent se few emails outlining what I think went wrong. Last email was a bit pleading. I know, I've to stop doing that.

Any suggestions, thoughts, advice?

Wow...that's kind of extreme. Leaving and not coming back like that. I wouldn't blame yourself for that. He's a big boy...he can stay home and get help from IC or MC and get past the road blocks that keep him from communicating.

Is there a possibility of someone else?

 

[DayDream]

I don't exactly know we're be is but could probably track him down. I know a face to face is necessary and H said we would have that talk but he doesn't appear ready to do do. My in tuition is to let him be for now. I think he would be upset if I did a detective job on him and showed up.

I thought I knew exactly e erupting about our marriage but now thnk I need to step back from analysis and over thinking about it. Easier said an one however,

What about YOUR feelings and YOUR needs? You think it's totally OK to just abandon fort like that? Just leave on a business trip and not come back? You have rights too in the marriage.

 

[Chopsy]

Wow...that's kind of extreme. Leaving and not coming back like that. I wouldn't blame yourself for that. He's a big boy...he can stay home and get help from IC or MC and get past the road blocks that keep him from communicating.

Is there a possibility of someone else?

I dont think there's anyone else and his sister thinks likewise but who knows?

Thanks for your view, it's a bit of a shock to hear others opinions. Yes it was extreme.

 

[Chopsy]

What about YOUR feelings and YOUR needs? You think it's totally OK to just abandon fort like that? Just leave on a business trip and not come back? You have rights too in the marriage.

Daydream thanks so much. I think my view on this is so narrow and limited, I can't tell you how helpful it is to have your opinion. And yes I do have needs and rights!!

 

[Acorn]

Daydream thanks so much. I think my view on this is so narrow and limited, I can't tell you how helpful it is to have your opinion. And yes I do have needs and rights!!

Chopsy, you mentioned in the original post about some of the things you could have done differently and perhaps done wrong.

What about him and the marriage itself? What behaviors has he had over the years?

 

[Bellavista]

It does sound like he is having a break down. He might have exhausted all of his coping mechanisims & be completely burnt out & unable to face any more pressure.

When you email/text him, try to keep the contact free of begging, pleading & blaming. Just take a couple of deep breathes & re-read anything you send him before hitting send.
If he is going to get his head together, he can't do it while he feels like he is still being pressured.
I know this is hard, you must feel totally gutted by his behaviour. He has not acted well at all, but I imagine he felt he had no choice. Not that I am excusing his behaviour at all.

 

[Chopsy]

Acorn, good question. I have to think on that for a bit.

 

[Chopsy]

Bellavistsa, i think youve hit the nail on the head. I will definitely be more upbeat in future.

I actually had a text last night from him, and not about money. He said he appreciated my kind emails and that he saw a pic of me on Facebook (yes! He has reactivated his FB To check up on me!) from Halloween and he thought i looked good in my costume. (clockwork orange) he said he was working to get himself out of a hole (im pretty sure someone screwed him over financially). I know i shouldnt put so much on one text but its the first communication ive had from him that wasnt about finances. Oh and he said he hoped me and the animals - three cats and two dogs - were happy. Well i must admit it made my day.

 

[costa200]

Some clarification is probably needed. What happened right before he left? What were the goddbyes like? Did you let him leave without a farewell sex episode? Exactly what is the sexual situation like? How many times per week do you guys do it?

Do you work outside home? If not, do you keep your house in shape? Did he demonstrate unsatisfaction with his life? With married life? Does he have female friends? Does he text a particular one a lot? Does he leave on "business" trips a lot? When he returns, is he famished sexually or is he more relaxed about it than when he is home?